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She wants to take a step back for "right now"


MovieGuy18

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Hey everyone, it has been a long time since I have posted on this forum, but it here it goes.

 

About three months ago, a new girl started working at my job and her and I began to talk a lot and get to know one another to the point of getting together outside of work. We hung out alone, with friends and so forth.

 

After sometime, we talked, and she said she just got out of a long term relationship and is looking for a FWB thing right now. Even though I am looking for an actual relationship, seeing as my last long term one ended a year ago, but regardless of that, I liked her enough to agree and see where things go.

 

Things were great for a while, we still went out of dates together (yes, they were actually referred to and treated as dates), spent quiet nights together, I met her parents, and she has met some of my family (My family likes her and hers like me) and obviously, had sex quite a lot. Everything was fair, we split the cost of things, unless I insisted on paying, nothing seemed wrong at all (I didn't and don't feel like I am being used).

 

Two weeks ago though, we made very last minute plans to go to Toronto for a few days for the Pride weekend that happened there. She had never been before and so I thought it would be a nice thing for her and I to do together. We both got the time off work and went. All and all, it was a fun trip. We got to see all kinds of things, bought stuff, tried new things, and it was great to just get away from the hometown for a while with a girl I felt really strongly about.

 

On our last night there, I wanted to take her out to a fancy restaurant and confess to her that I feel like I am ready for the next step and I wanted to ask her how she felt as well.

 

Now, here is where the problem comes in. I already knew she had a form of anxiety and depression, stemming from things in her past, and while I knew that sometimes she would pocket items while out, I had no idea she would try to steal while we were out on our trip together.

 

We ended up going to a store to get a few supplies and after I had paid for my stuff and we were walking out, a security guard was telling us to come back inside because something had been stolen. To make a long story short, she had to pay a fine, and has to return back to Toronto for a court hearing that will likely be thrown out, and to get her finger prints done.

 

I was pretty upset about this that night, and I had to go back to the hotel alone. When she got back, I didn't lecture her or anything like that. I was just disappointed that what happened, happened, that she did it behind my back and that I also couldn't tell her how I felt. I feel bad now because I feel like I should have been more reassuring to her, but she insists I have nothing to apologize for.

 

We went out late that night and got drinks and some food from a not at all fancy restaurant, but regardless, they night got better and we ended up having sex that night.

 

Everything seemed okay the next morning, got lunch, coffee and walked around a bit before we headed back to our hometown. I spent some time with her at her place and then gave her a hug and kiss and left.

 

The next 4 days after that, she seemed down and not really up for plans with me. We would make plans, just for her not to message me back till way later and we would just end up talking on the phone, or we would make plans and she would flip flop until she just said that she wants some time alone, and I gave her that time. She also told me she had gotten her period, but I knew it was more than that...

 

I got together with her eventually and everything seemed more or less fine, but I could just pick up that something was wrong. She wouldn't tell me, till three days ago.

 

She insists that I did nothing wrong and that it is just her and how she is feeling right now, and that she thinks she needs a friend right now more than anything and that she can't do a relationship, sexual or otherwise right now. I told her how I felt and that I'd like to be her bf at some point (I feel like this was a mistake to bring up), but I understand how she feels and that I care and want to be someone she can talk to and depend on.

 

Simply put, she feels that she can't give me what I want right now but still wants to see me and spend time with me. She also said that she feels very close to me. We still basically act the same with each other so far, aside from the fact that we haven't kissed and I haven't/she hasn't spent the night together. We still are touchy and flirt and joke around as before, but still.

 

Has anyone else been through a situation like this? I know that it is likely because of her depression and what happened on our trip that has caused her to feel how she does (as it likely effects her schooling too because she will now have a record), but I can't help but internalize this somehow. Any advice on the matter would be helpful. I really like her a lot and since my last relationship, she is the only one I feel like I have a real connection with and would like some kind of future with.

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Unfortunately she's right about being too messed up for a relationship, even fwb. "She got arrested for shop-lifting and we had great sex and everything seemed fine the next morning"? Kind of interesting chain of events.

 

I don't know if being arrested for shop-lifting is the usual weekend get away little blip in the trip. Sorry to say you seem in denial of some bigger issues because you like her and the sex is good.

I knew that sometimes she would pocket items while out, I had no idea she would try to steal while we were out on our trip together. a security guard was telling us to come back inside because something had been stolen. To make a long story short, she had to pay a fine, and has to return back to Toronto for a court hearing better. we ended up having sex that night.
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No, I know a lot of her past. A lot of it involving unhealthy relationships, drug use and the death of a family member that not only effected her, but her whole family back when it happened, and even now.

 

Thing is, I know everyone has baggage and sometimes, people have shady pasts, but I trust her and I feel like she has been open with me and that I can't just push her away because of things that happened in her past. Obviously, what happened on the trip left me a bit shocked, but at the same time, I feel like it is unfair for her to kind of push me away because of something I had no part in.

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So, more or less you think that I should just forget about her?

 

So far, I feel like the thing I should be doing is showing her support and still treat her exactly how I did before, but give her more space and time for herself. Obviously, I didn't ask her how long she might feel that she needs to figure herself out because, it's not always possible to determine that.

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It's up to you if you want to be her friend right now or not. She seems to have a lot of issues to sort out.

 

I think if I really care about her and feel how I said, that I should be around for her. That being said, I obviously can't wait around forever for her to decide on if she feels ready to be back where we were (FWB) or to take that next step.

 

In your own opinion, how long do you think would be respectable enough to wait for her?

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There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start. Are you really willing to get a potential criminal record and/or lose your job over someone you've known a lousy three months in?

 

You do know if she told them all you were aware of it and encouraged her or she tossed you under the bus, or maybe just having a hot-headed security guard decide it, that you could have been criminally charged too, right?

 

All I can tell you is to back away fast and stay away. This girl has major troubles, will likely get fired sooner or later for stealing on the job, has a very good likelihood of stealing from you, and in all probability has no self-control or real care of not getting you into legal trouble.

 

All I can you to do is run and don't look back before you have something on your own record. You should have ripped her face off for stealing behind your back and nearly getting her involved then never talked to her again.

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We ended up going to a store to get a few supplies and after I had paid for my stuff and we were walking out, a security guard was telling us to come back inside because something had been stolen. To make a long story short, she had to pay a fine, and has to return back to Toronto for a court hearing that will likely be thrown out, and to get her finger prints done.

 

I just wanted to point that you grossly glossed over this serious incident and then went on the apologizing and placating her?

She's got some issues and you are way too easy to accommodate to them and apologize for nothing.

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There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start. Are you really willing to get a potential criminal record and/or lose your job over someone you've known a lousy three months in?

 

You do know if she told them all you were aware of it and encouraged her or she tossed you under the bus, or maybe just having a hot-headed security guard decide it, that you could have been criminally charged too, right?

 

All I can tell you is to back away fast and stay away. This girl has major troubles, will likely get fired sooner or later for stealing on the job, has a very good likelihood of stealing from you, and in all probability has no self-control or real care of not getting you into legal trouble.

 

All I can you to do is run and don't look back before you have something on your own record. You should have ripped her face off for stealing behind your back and nearly getting her involved then never talked to her again.

 

She hasn't stolen on the job. She has stolen outside of work, and honestly, what she took that got her in trouble, was worth $20.

 

She also told the security guard a few times that it was her she wanted, and not me. She made sure that I would get let go, and I was let go of without charges.

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We ended up going to a store to get a few supplies and after I had paid for my stuff and we were walking out, a security guard was telling us to come back inside because something had been stolen. To make a long story short, she had to pay a fine, and has to return back to Toronto for a court hearing that will likely be thrown out, and to get her finger prints done.

 

I just wanted to point that you grossly glossed over this serious incident and then went on the apologizing and placating her?

She's got some issues and you are way too easy to accommodate to them and apologize for nothing.

 

The only thing that I apologized to her for was that if I had made her feel like I was angry with her and if I put more pressure on her because I was quiet and appeared/acted very disappointed in her. I know that is something that I shouldn't apologize for, but this was the first big thing that happened that made me question things and I am a pretty laid back guy, so I am willing to let go of this one thing honestly.

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I guess I just internalize her actions of wanting to take a step back because I feel as though I am being like "punished" in some way for something that I both had no clue would happen and had no part in. It just sucks that our nice weekend away turned into a stressful time for both of us and now because of that, we have to take a step back for an unprecedented amount of time. Seems a bit unfair to me.

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I guess I just internalize her actions of wanting to take a step back because I feel as though I am being like "punished" in some way for something that I both had no clue would happen and had no part in. It just sucks that our nice weekend away turned into a stressful time for both of us and now because of that, we have to take a step back for an unprecedented amount of time. Seems a bit unfair to me.
I know that is something that I shouldn't apologize for, but this was the first big thing that happened that made me question things and I am a pretty laid back guy, so I am willing to let go of this one thing honestly.

 

This is the moment where you should have gotten angry. Angry and disappointed in her poor judgment and angry that she risked putting you in the middle and angry that she ruined a perfectly good vacation only to go home and pout and distance herself.

Instead you are wondering what you did wrong.

and honestly, what she took that got her in trouble, was worth $20. - and here again, you minimize her actions. It doesn't matter it if was $2000. It doesn't make it any less wrong.

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Sorry this sounds like a bad night. Google shop lifting. None of the reasons are good, especially shoplifting insignificant/useless things for lack of impulse control. That's consistent with her drug history and 'jumping in relationships'.

 

She sounds like a hot mess who almost got you arrested..

I was let go of without charges.
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So you think someone only stealing $20 somewhere is no big deal? Wow, I'm sorry. No, that makes it even worse. She didn't need to steal, she isn't on the street living out of her car desperate for food. Stealing just for the sake of stealing and risking a criminal record along with all of the other lack of impulse control issues she has makes this all even worse.

 

I'm afraid this one of those lessons you're going to have to learn for yourself though. You seem dead set on ignoring serious red flags, I've been there, honestly you're probably just going to have to end up getting burned really badly on this one to find out why you don't overlook such things.

 

I wish you luck, you are so going to need it. And I say that as someone who once hung out with people like this and nearly ended up dead because of it. Such people bring trouble down on you simply by your being in their vicinity and their lack of ethics and values and carelessness, but that's just something you'll have to learn yourself.

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Forgot to mention that she has also told me that she usually jumps to relationships without taking time for herself first.

 

What do you care? I mean, that's all fine with you as long as she's with you, right?

 

Look, buddy. You seem a bit clueless. She's getting arrested and you're sort of not really getting that it's not wise to be in a relationship with her. Sounds like you are lonely more than anything.

 

Let her go. And make your romantic world more than just your workplace.

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After sometime, we talked, and she said she just got out of a long term relationship and is looking for a FWB thing right now. Even though I am looking for an actual relationship, seeing as my last long term one ended a year ago, but regardless of that, I liked her enough to agree and see where things go.

 

If someone tells you that they're only looking for a particular type of setup, then respect their wishes. You agreed to this arrangement, so don't force the issue by trying to turn it into a relationship.

 

It is up to her to bring up changing the arrangement, not you. As MD has noted, this isn't the time to get into a relationship. If you decide to stay with her, then you need to delve deeper into her "kleptomaniac" type personality. This could be a serious mental issue, and it's not your job to fix it.

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I don't even know where to start. If you insist on being her "friend," don't be surprised if someday you are charged as an accomplice because you are aware that she steals and if she gets in your car afterwards, even though you were not aware that she was intending to steal, you would find yourself in deep trouble yourself.

 

The sex must be mindblowingly awesome for you to put up with this. I would completely shut her out and only relate to her when you have to for work purposes. Her line of "never spending enough time between relationships" may be true or maybe a line to make you feel sorry for her/blame her actions on something.

 

You have not dated her enough to know every lurid detail about her past, in fact - you weren't dating her. Somethings should be revealed more over time. And its a big red flag if someone dumps on you that quickly.

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She hasn't stolen on the job. She has stolen outside of work, and honestly, what she took that got her in trouble, was worth $20.

 

Would you still make excuses for her if she were to steal from you or your family? Stealing is stealing, the amount is irrelevant.

 

Either way, I would reconsider this relationship as it's likely there is more on the horizon.

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I feel like I need to specify things a bit more.

 

She told me about her past in stealing before, but I had no idea that she was still doing this, so when she did it, I was honestly surprised. That night, she said she is done with that and can't take the risks anymore and how sorry she was to get me involved. During the time of when she was distancing herself, one of the things she said when I first spoke to her was that she "needs to get her together."

 

I see all of the signs of concern that everyone is saying and frankly, I am doing my best to just let go of what happened until I see something else that is a cause for concern (which is kind of difficult right now all things considered), but I know that I can't wait around forever for her to decide on things with me either. Thanks for the advice everyone

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I feel like I need to specify things a bit more.

 

She told me about her past in stealing before, but I had no idea that she was still doing this, so when she did it, I was honestly surprised. That night, she said she is done with that and can't take the risks anymore and how sorry she was to get me involved. During the time of when she was distancing herself, one of the things she said when I first spoke to her was that she "needs to get her together."

 

I see all of the signs of concern that everyone is saying and frankly, I am doing my best to just let go of what happened until I see something else that is a cause for concern (which is kind of difficult right now all things considered), but I know that I can't wait around forever for her to decide on things with me either. Thanks for the advice everyone

 

When someone tells you a major dealbreaker that they did in the past, you are to stay on high alert to be watchful.

 

As far as not waiting for her, Then don't wait forever. Decide for YOU what you want. And go with it. If you don't want a relationship with a petty criminal, then don't continue with FWB and distance yourself as a friend. What is up with all the waiting for someone to decide how they feel - figure out how you feel. let her take years to figure it out by herself on her own.

 

This is not a "let it go" until something else happens. This is a major character flaw and a moral flaw. It is no longer kleptomania when it involves a retail establishment. It is shoplifting. And will lead to more. I am going to bet its not something she did years ago and doesn't do anymore, its just the first time she has been caught in awhile. It is time to pull the plug on this.

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