My grandma pretends she is sick to get attention?

[HadaraNight]

So it all began four years ago when my mother (her daughter) died. My grandma began saying she was feeling dizzy and that she had problems walking and eating in the morning. She went to many doctors and they all said the same, that she had nothing, physically.

 

Some time later she fell in her house and broke her pelvis (the right side of it) so she underwent surgery. It was very painful indeed but after a year, she began walking slowly with the aid of a cane, she was recovering really well. But then, there came my uncle and, in front of her, began claiming that she was having a slow recovery because I (her granddaughter) was not visiting her too often (I was visiting her every two weeks and she had a person to take care of her in her house everyday, excepting for one Sunday which was the day I would visit her) and so, my grandma who saw me as my mother's substitute, began demanding more attention for me. I had a job in which I even worked the Saturdays so it was really hard for me to find time to visit her besides Sundays and also, it happened that every time I would visit her, she would only be upset about how I had to visit her even more often...once, I decided to start visiting her once a week and even prepared dinner for her and my grandpa one night...they ended up asking me to stay with them every day and serve them, of course I refused.

 

But the fact is that years kept passing and suddenly, all my grandma spoke of was her pain and her illnesses; she's got to the point where she even claims she has pain on the opposite side of her operation! (And claiming it was her operation that hurt!) She has undergone many exams and Rx and there's nothing wrong with her or her operation; but she claims to be that bad and that ill, that she even pees and poops on herself! And she makes you clean all that and practically lift her to a wheelchair! Now she's in a wheelchair when some years ago she was already walking fine!

 

As there seems to be nothing in her medical exams and the fact that she gets even sicker every time you visit her, I've come to the hypothesis that maybe she's faking it just to have her children around her doing everything for her. If she's watching TV, she can be more than half an hour without any pain but if you speak to her, she starts crying in pain.

 

The problem with this is that my uncle is like trying to find culprits all along and he has included me just for being my "mother's substitute" as the eldest female child of my mother (there are many of my family members who don't even call me by my name but my mother's!) Right now, because I didn't want to get involved, he treats me coldly and so does my grandma who this Saturday I went to see her, acted as if she didn't recognized me, angry because I don't visit her...but if I visit her, I have to turn into a nurse for her just because she's pretending to have a terminal illness when she has nothing!

 

The fact is that my grandma's condition is ruining my uncle's house, his family is already having problems with him because the say he spends more time and money on his mother than on his daughters; it is also ruining the relationship between my uncle and his sister, my aunt who lives in the U.S as the fight all the time to find the culprit and it is also involving me all the time as when both don't know what to do, they resource to me, trying to make me responsible for everything and to assume the charge to take care of my grandma! I really don't know what to do anymore... The only thing I though of was getting the help of a psychologist... But I truly don't know what to do anymore...this situation is ruining my family and is trapping me as they all want me to take care of my grandparents until they die... But I want to go traveling and work on the projects I have in mind; I want to live my life!

 

So I know this is so messed up but anything you could say, I would really appreciate it...

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like the family is hoping everyone will take turns helping take care of her.

she had a person to take care of her in her house everyday

[HadaraNight]

It sounds like the family is hoping everyone will take turns helping take care of her.

 

That would be nice but actually it seems as if everyone is just trying to run away and leave everything to another one.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like she needs psychiatric help and I mean that in a serious sense. Does her doctor know that she is making things up to this extreme? Is it possible that all the medications she is on are causing some or all of her problems? The side effects can be horrendous.

 

Anyway, it sounds like instead of getting more involved, you need to slowly back away and just stay firm to what you will do and that's it. A bit of distance and being cooler is not a bad thing is this situation. Other than that, just being more firm about what topics of conversation and behavior you'll tolerate and what you won't. When my own grandma gets carried away with death dying and diseases, I will nicely, but firmly tell her I don't want to hear about it for the 100th time, change topic or I'm out. Well I put it nicely but that's the gist of it. It works and she will change topics, in fact she hasn't gone on on that topic for a long time now and it's actually fun to be around her and chit chat about life at large, her past, whatever. Well, still takes a mountain of patience but ..... Think boundaries and just because someone is old, doesn't mean that there are no boundaries. They are still necessary for your well being and theirs too.

[Wiseman2]

Taking care of an elderly demanding person is work. Especially for your uncle who's got most of the brunt of it. And he is paying for full time care almost every day.

 

It's not for you to second guess her doctors/diagnoses, level of pain,etc.. Either help out with the family problems when you can or don't and stick it to everyone else to deal with.

That would be nice but actually it seems as if everyone is just trying to run away and leave everything to another one.

[lam123]

Such cases make me know that similar things happen everywhere. I know of many cases like this one that you describe here. That makes fighting members of the family in the way you describe.

Currently we are dealing with a problem with my mother-in-law. All members of the family seem to try to detached from responsibility over it.

[HadaraNight]

@DancingFool: Thanks for your advice... maybe it is really a good idea to pay a visit to the psychologist. No, she's not taking medications. The medics only say the problem is that she is refusing to move her muscles, not only the leg she says she has problem with but even her arms (on which she has no problem at all) and that is causing her muscles to sore.

I haven't tried telling her that we don't like to hear about her "illness" because I truly don't know how to... I mean, all she talks about is her illness; how she peed or pooped on herself and if she talks about her past, it is always about my mother and how much she misses her.

 

@Wiseman2: Thank you so much for your advice. It is true, I feel bad for my uncle.

And yeah, I know I should not second guess any doctor so that is why I feel like we need to see a psychologist or something... because every doctor we've taken her so far always says the same: that she has nothing! And that what she needs to do is to move her arms and legs some more but she refuses to do so... she doesn't have any kind of arthritis even and she's fine even in diabetes exams... we don't know what to do anymore as we don't know what's wrong... That's why I thought maybe it could be something on her mind? It could be depression?

 

@Iam123: Oh my! It is indeed so complicated!

[ParisPaulette]

It's impossible to tell what the situation is with Grandma BUT you need to hold firm to your boundaries. Your grandparents are getting full-time help and so what you do is state, "This is the time I can give/what I can do/anything else no." And you stick to that. I'm sorry, but you need to put your boundaries firmly in place and no, it is not your sole job to take care of them. If your uncle chooses to cater to their every whim that is actually his problem and/or his choice.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here. I am taking care of my elderly mother who has Alzheimer's largely because a) she's broke and can't afford anything else, except the crappiest of nursing homes which I just won't do and b) I am the closest relative to where she lives. I also work from home, so I can and do choose to take care of her.

 

Even so I have had to draw very firm boundaries with her about what I will and won't do, to insist she follow the rules of my household, and to not let other family and my mother's friends tell me what I should or should not do. Believe me they have all tried and the short time I decided to drive my mother to everyone who demanded they had to see her right then and there I ended up broke and exhausted. Yet when I asked for people to come to us they didn't have time or resources to do so. I finally put a stop to it and said I'd bring her to X, Y and Z after they came to us at A, B and C. Some people did so, others refuse, don't care. I am a danger to her if I"m falling asleep at the wheel, because I stayed up all night to be a client deadline then drove two hours to take her to see a relative who then demands she buy them things. (A whole other kettle of fish in and of itself.)

 

So I've had to get ruthless and you will too IF you really want both your own life and to make sure your elderly grandmother is taken care of. So no, you draw your boundaries. You remain calm. You do not get involved in the fray. You maintain, "This is what I can do and they have help. And this is all I am going to do." And then you do that and that's what you do.

 

I know that's easier said than done, but you need to learn to put boundaries in place with other people anyways and family is as good a place to start as any. It is guilt-inducing and it will make you wonder, "Should I just roll over and give up everything to make these people happy?" BUT it's not fair to you AND rewarding bad behaviors only begets more bad behaviors.

 

As cruel as it sounds you have to establish boundaries for yourself first. Personally I think no one is doing Grams any favors by rushing to give her sympathy and rewarding her bad behaviors, but that's just me. You need to understand the elderly often become much more childlike, particularly if there are mental health issues. More than once I've pointed out to relatives if they are not happy with the care I am able to provide to her they are more than welcome to take care of her themselves.

 

A few times of that, not me being angry, but simply calm and matter-of-fact was all it took to get the message across. It's gotten very quiet and very smooth with everyone since then. Do what you can, insist she follow doctor's orders and state that to her and to your relatives, if you don't want a confrontation then be that "Gee, I'd love to come right now, but I have this work thing and just can't get free," then ignore the complaints with a "As soon as I can, Grandma." If you don't want a confrontation then just be oh so sorry and cheerful, but still do what you need to do for yourself and don't get pulled into it.

 

Do what you can, don't put your own life on hold, remind others gently one way or another that it does no one any good to have all of you over there 24/7 jumping every time your grandmother snaps her fingers.

 

If it helps maybe go take some classes on how to help care for the elderly or being a caretaker. My local hospital and my local senior citizen's group both provide these and it has been wonderful to just be able to talk to others, exchange ideas, find out we're all kind of in the same soup. That can help as well. I'm sorry I don't have more suggestions to offer you, but that's what has worked for me.

[Wiseman2]

Stop playing doctor, she has doctors for that. If you stopped doing that it would be a lot less stressful take everything at face value and just keep her company or whatever you're supposed to do. The more combative you are about this the more combative she will be.

we don't know what to do anymore as we don't know what's wrong... That's why I thought maybe it could be something on her mind? It could be depression?

[DancingFool]

No doubt she does miss her daughter. It seems that her grief over the loss of her child is what really started this ball rolling. She may actually be in dire need of grief counseling that is long overdue or she may also be depressed. Either way, it may be good for her to get some kind of evaluation and help that way. Whether psychiatric or just psychological or both. I'm sure no parents really expect to bury their child. Kind of the other around and it does sound like she took it hard and is not over it by any stretch of imagination and her age might be adding to the problem in terms of behavior.

[becomingkate]

You don't say how old she is, but bone breaks are devastating to seniors. Many times, the break (and subsequent healing ) causes dementia.

Part of dementia is losing the ability to control toileting. It can also cause anxiety which messes with blood pressure which cause dizziness and falls. Memory is effected.

I think that your grandma is still feeling a lot of pain stemming from your mother's death as well - honestly, if one of my children were to die I'd lose my mind!

I think she needs extra attention and love. Can you try to see her at least once a week? Even if you just stop by with a treat, a book, or some flowers. If you can't visit, can you mail her some care packages? Something that says you're thinking about her (slippers, tea)

It would help.

Good luck!

[Heather Dawn]

My grandmother died about 5-6 years ago, but before she did she was in somewhat declining health for a couple of years.

 

EVERY time something happened with her where she needed medical attention or admittance to a hospital, my grandfather would suddenly "fall" or become "ill," thus diving the attention between him and my grandmother. It never failed.

 

Elderly people can certainly be manipulative.

[boltnrun]

I went through something similar with my mother.

 

She would "fall" if I made plans to go out somewhere, for example. Also, I had a newborn and if I was busy changing diapers or feeding him, she'd yell for me as I walked by and if I told her I'd be there in a minute (hello, newborn!!), she'd cry and say no one loves her and that everyone would be happy if she just died. Part of the deal of her living with me, my husband and our baby was that she'd watch him while I worked (he was about a year old at the time), but she would wake me up a couple of mornings per week saying she didn't feel well enough to watch him. I was forced to quit my brand new job because how could I be relied upon when I was having to call in twice a week because my mom said she couldn't watch the baby? She pulled many dramatic scenes, demanding to be taken to the ER because her "legs hurt". She had accidents on the bedroom floor and claimed she couldn't help it, but if I took her out somewhere she did just fine. She wanted to use our bathroom even though she had her own bathroom, and wore my clothes, pretended to be me when she made phone calls, and called our son by my older brother's name (in an attempt, I believe, to relive the years when she herself was a young mother). She would holler and moan loudly for someone to "please, please help" her all night long, disrupting my husband's sleep so that he was exhausted for work every day, although nothing was wrong except she wanted someone to sit with her all night long so she didn't feel "alone".

 

And I had relatives who criticized me and accused me of not loving my mother because they didn't understand the situation. Finally, when she had gotten upset with me because I didn't leap to leave work when she called not wanting to be "alone", she got my cousin to come get her and she stayed with my cousin and her family for a few weeks. My cousin ended up calling me apologizing for being harsh because she had been now been exposed to the manipulative things my mother did.

 

I feel sad because my mother needed professional help but since she was unemployed she had no access to the psychological help she needed. She did do a two-week stay in a facility but she came home the same way she'd left. She's no longer living and I feel bad that the end of her life was so miserable...but it was very, very difficult indeed to deal with.

 

So, I've walked that mile in your shoes and I understand. I wish I had an answer, but unless your grandmother has access to mental health care I'm not sure that she will just suddenly get better.

[Heather Dawn]

I went through something similar with my mother.

 

She would "fall" if I made plans to go out somewhere, for example. Also, I had a newborn and if I was busy changing diapers or feeding him, she'd yell for me as I walked by and if I told her I'd be there in a minute (hello, newborn!!), she'd cry and say no one loves her and that everyone would be happy if she just died. Part of the deal of her living with me, my husband and our baby was that she'd watch him while I worked (he was about a year old at the time), but she would wake me up a couple of mornings per week saying she didn't feel well enough to watch him. I was forced to quit my brand new job because how could I be relied upon when I was having to call in twice a week because my mom said she couldn't watch the baby? She pulled many dramatic scenes, demanding to be taken to the ER because her "legs hurt". She had accidents on the bedroom floor and claimed she couldn't help it, but if I took her out somewhere she did just fine. She wanted to use our bathroom even though she had her own bathroom, and wore my clothes, pretended to be me when she made phone calls, and called our son by my older brother's name (in an attempt, I believe, to relive the years when she herself was a young mother). She would holler and moan loudly for someone to "please, please help" her all night long, disrupting my husband's sleep so that he was exhausted for work every day, although nothing was wrong except she wanted someone to sit with her all night long so she didn't feel "alone".

 

And I had relatives who criticized me and accused me of not loving my mother because they didn't understand the situation. Finally, when she had gotten upset with me because I didn't leap to leave work when she called not wanting to be "alone", she got my cousin to come get her and she stayed with my cousin and her family for a few weeks. My cousin ended up calling me apologizing for being harsh because she had been now been exposed to the manipulative things my mother did.

 

I feel sad because my mother needed professional help but since she was unemployed she had no access to the psychological help she needed. She did do a two-week stay in a facility but she came home the same way she'd left. She's no longer living and I feel bad that the end of her life was so miserable...but it was very, very difficult indeed to deal with.

 

So, I've walked that mile in your shoes and I understand. I wish I had an answer, but unless your grandmother has access to mental health care I'm not sure that she will just suddenly get better.

 

Holy moly, what a nightmare!

[HadaraNight]

Everyone, thank you so much for your advice and suggestions. I will try to get my grandma to psychological help. It is not that well developed in my country (and not that well accepted) so it will be quite hard to convince my family that she needs it. But I will try...

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences... they really helped me see the problem from different perspectives

[christs227]

Try to walk her outside of your home and meet some old people in a retirement community where they can have their own activities with their fellow age. I know she will slowly forget your mom when she had other attentions aside from your home.

[journeynow]

You are not to blame for her feeling poorly. However, even though her doctors cannot find a diagnosis for what ails her, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is faking it. Some things are hard to diagnose, and pain can come and go, and even travel to different parts of the body, and still be very real. It's very hard to watch a family member age.

 

You can have your boundaries, and have compassion. She may be manipulative, or maybe not, and is not coping well with her body (and perhaps her mind) declining.