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About HadaraNight

  • Birthday 07/06/1991

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  1. @reinventmyself: Thanks; I know I have to follow my own path. I wish I knew a way to leave this country ASAP. If only I could get a job overseas or a scholarship...
  2. Hahaha! No worries! Actually this post really made my day!! Thanks!
  3. @DanZee: thank you. You are right but yeah, I don't know how I let these things get to my head. I'll move out, I'll do whatever it takes to move out.
  4. @tattoobunnie: I know, I know I have to do it. I just don't want him to commit suicide or I won't be able to take all the blame... I don't want to be 40 living with him... I don't... @reinventmyself: You are right. I am trying to come up with a good excuse to leave home; I'm also looking for options outside of my city. Something like... "I have a job at the capital so I need to move" or "I just found a job/study to undergo at a foreign country so I am leaving for a while (and I stay for longer)". @Wiseman2: In my culture there is a conception parents have: they raise children so that, when they are old, children take care of them "and pay for everything" they've worked to raise them on the first place. There is the conception too that women don't need to leave their parents' house until they marry a man. I am very sure he is trying to force me to stay with him until he dies. He even told one person he was planning on getting sick on purpose so that my siblings and I were forced to take care of him. My country is one very sexist place, I hate it but it is hard to find a way to leave the country. I've been trying for 3 years to leave with a scholarship, saving up money so that I can pay a study or something to later establish myself somewhere else, because truly, it is very unbearable to live here. My country is El Salvador, in Central America, in fact, one of the "deadliest" countries in the world for a woman... nobody respects a woman here. To men, we are all stupid and are only worthy as long as we serve them.
  5. So to be honest, I'm tired, I'm tired of being the one to blame all the time. I'm sick of this stupid family and their stupid expectations! All they want is someone to blame their s*** on! And they chose me! Now my aunt blames me; my sister blames me; my brother blames me; my father blames me because I am not too good of a daughter. Why? Because he says I don't love him enough! Just what the h*** does he want?! I've been serving him since my mother died! I've listened to him whenever he has wanted to! I have stood his stupid family members even when I detested them!! I've taken care of my younger siblings since my mother died! I've become like a substitute wife for him and now what?! He goes around telling everyone in the family I don't love him enough?! That all his "soooo precious" money went into waste on me, on all these years he had to take care of me and pay for my education, because now "I" don't love him enough?! Just what the h***!! Just what does he want me to do?! To kiss his f***** feet?! He doesn't even let me talk! He doesn't like me to talk! He never listens to me or my feelings; he doesn't care how I feel! All he wants to hear is "everything is fine" "I love you", like I am a robot giving love because "it is my obligation to do so!" He was always working away from home! He was always having sex with other women! He would come home drunk! I stood all that! I did! I only lowered my head and silenced. Now he says I don't love him enough and that he "wasted" so much money on me?! Now my aunt hates me because he left crying to her telling her I am a bad daughter?! Ughhh! If he was going to be like this, why did he have children to begin with?! He should have had abandoned me! If he was going to see me as nothing else but a burden, then why even bother?! It is unfair and I am sick to be told I am the one who is "not good enough". He's never been any "kind" with me. All I hear from him is how amazing he is; how he is so much better than me; how much I owe him; how stupid I am because I am a woman and how I have the obligation to serve him because I am a woman! How much I wish I had been born a man!!! I hate being a woman!! And then what does he do? When I try to approach him to have a talk. He only rises the TV's volume or looks at his facebook like "I don't care what you say". Then what the...?! What does he want?! If I stay home, I'm a burden. I f I made an intent to leave, he says he will attempt suicide. Just what does he want?! He wants me to change myself, but f*** he won't change his sexist mind!!! He wants me to love him when he tells me I am stupid for being a woman; he wants me to love him even when he forces me to cook for him, serve him, wash the dishes for him, pretend that I am fine all the time so that he feels relaxed when he gets home... because he is too old to change. He can't nor will change his mind about women. News in my country is that now husbands are murdering their wives, what does my dad think about that? That's great! Kill them all!! That's what he said. If life was going to be like this, I'd rather have never been born... they should have had an abortion. I'm sick of this! But I've made my decision. I'm leaving home without telling him and I will pay every single f***** penny he spent in my education with my job! That's what I'll do!! So we are even!! And I am never ever ever getting married or having kids, after all they are but a burden! After all, I am but an investment. Nothing but a emotionless pawn who repeats "I love you" , "I love you", "I love you", "I love you..."
  6. I understand you well; my father is sexist as well. However, there is no way to make them change the way they think so what the others have said is true, you should just let him say whatever he wants, trust me, I've been doing it with my dad for my entire life. Don't let it get to your head, I know it's hard to ignore because is your dad, but you know? It doesn't matter. You don't need his recognition. Just keep with your life and when you are able to leave home, do, and find a better place to be at. Let me tell you one thing. There is something very funny about these sexist men. They say all these things but they can't stand a day without being "served" by a woman. They soooo crave women's love! They criticize women all the time, but they can't live without them.
  7. First, thank you, everyone, for your answers. To answer some questions, my father is in his 60's and yes, I do serve him. It is not like I can enjoy a meal with him. We never talk at dinner. He sits in front of the TV and waits for me to give him food. He is "machista". He only wants a woman to serve him and listen to him whenever he wants. He orders me around and refuses to let me say anything about the "rules" at his house. He still has a job, a very tough job he has refused to quit because he says he has to make money for me and my siblings even when I have told him I already make money with my job and that he doesn't have to work that hard anymore. He doesn't let me help him in anything because, of course, he earns so much more than what I do due to his experience. @RedDress: Well, in my country, it is rare for parents to be taken to nursing homes. So if I were to stay, it would be until he would die (or until I get married which is very unprovable since I am not lucky in love). I do agree with all of you. He won't be able to move on or find another woman to love if I don't leave the house. I just don't want to keep being a burden to him, that is all, but also I don't want him to make a stupid decision after I leave... If he were to kill himself because of me, I would not stand it anymore; I would break. A friend of mine committed suicide just a few weeks ago and I'm still having a hard time trying not to blame myself for what happened. Now this strikes. I feel I am going to go crazy! I can't take this anymore... too much pressure...
  8. Hi, everyone, how have you been? Well, I am sorry if I keep bothering you with my many questions, but I truly need some help with this one. So, after many people had already suggested me (online and RL), I decided to finally make the step and rent a house to go living by my own. I've saved some money just in case and I have looked for the cheapest and yet best place I could find to finally do it. I am all ready to finally go living by my own even if it is at the same city (because I can't afford to go anywhere else). I have a stable job at the University, it gives me enough money to hang around and I also have another source of income plus some other things I am about to start in order to guarantee even more income for me. I am already 26 and I can take care of myself just fine. I once traveled to Europe for a month, all by myself, and I did well (I mean, I left for a foreign country all by myself and lived by myself, so no deal!) I feel like I have everything under control except for one thing: now my father doesn't want me to leave. He says my decision is stupid; that I should stay at his house until he dies or I get married; he even told me that he felt like I hated him and that he was going to commit suicide since he bothered me so much! He is very conservative. And I somehow understand he doesn't want me to leave because he may feel lonely. My mother died six years ago and since then, I've been the one to cook for him and serve him, even to the extent of turning away meetings with friends for him. I've tried to do the best I could to keep him happy; my aunts and grandma had also been checking on me and supervising if I've been properly taking care of him. I know I've been wrong to do that; I should have never done something like that because now he depends too much on me, but I can't keep living like this anymore. A friend once told me that I have to leave him because it is my fault he can't move on and find another person to love. I can't stop feeling guilty about it, but now he won't even let me leave so it is always wrong! I can't keep living like this; it is driving me crazy. Right now I am so stressed, my head spins and my neck hurts so bad I can barely move it. I am so confused right now; I really need to leave and start living my own life, but I don't want him to do something stupid because of my decision. It really feels like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to make things right, I always ended up ing up everything... I sometimes wished I was never born.
  9. Hi! @LHGirl Thank you so much for your advice! :) I am currently searching for a new job and new study opportunities away from home. You are right about it, I need to get out of this environment... I will do my best to find a new job/study and go away from home. Again, thank you for everything.
  10. I understand. Actually, I should be the one to apologize for being so rude. I am sorry. I'm 26.
  11. Um...why? Is my age important for this? I know that at my age, I should already be living by my own, but again, can't find a decent job to do so...
  12. Yeah, already did it on Facebook... I keep trying to get a better job... I have applied so many times and yet nothing. As soon as I get a better job, I am moving out of my dad's house.
  13. Well, it is because I don't want problems with her. She's daddy's favorite and will also turn my brother against me if she feels offended by anything I say or do. She always tricks my dad and brother to do everything she wants; I usually don't agree with her, that's when the problems arise. I have to be careful with saying too many things in front of her or she may use my own words or likes against me whenever we are with other people or family. I know about Facebook, don't think you can do that on Instagram...
  14. I always had my suspicions about it, but now I can say it is real. The fact is that I can't understand why my sister hates everything I love or like. For example, let's say, I like a TV show, she will say she dislikes it, no matter if we both started liking it on the first place. The trigger is when I say (or show) I truly like something. She doesn't let me talk about it, she says she dislikes it (even though she used to love it) and will only talk about it when she wants to convince me into doing something for her or when she wants to prove me wrong. What I've been doing so far is not talking about what I like, and trying not to show any emotions when I approach something I like. It seems she truly enjoys my silence because now she can talk about the things she likes and have everyone telling her how awesome they are. It keeps things at ease, but geez, it is getting on my nerves! It is complicated, I can't show even in the slightless that I like something or it can be used against me... I can't even do fan art or anything creative related to what I like because she will notice and use it against me. She follows me on every social media so I can't hide my art from her so I have to stick to doing various things so she doesn't find out what I truly like... I don't understand why she is like this, I mean, she has everything she has always wanted: she has a good job, a good income, lots of friends who really care about her, while I am the total opposite: have a horrible job, no RL friends, no money... and she still gets bothered when I am commissioned to do a painting for a very low price and she does not?? I am confused... I am not blaming my sister for what she is doing, I am just trying to understand why this is happening. Has something like this happened to you? Btw, Happy New Year everyone :)
  15. @lostandhurt Hello, thank you so much for answering. I am sorry I didn't reply sooner. Well, I did as you told me, I reached two of my closest friends and I was sincere about myself... Now I am in such a mess... because I opened up, they did as well... and now everything is completely out of hands; we had many discussions just a few weeks ago... But I am not blaming you, maybe I just chose the wrong people to open up; I thought they were my closest friends, never though they were silently trying to date me (reason why they wanted to know some more and were so caring and understanding at the beginning... Now they are demanding and they are using whatever I told them against me...). Maybe I contradict myself in my posts, that us true because that's how I am. I can be very confident at times and at some activities like, for example, when I a, teaching my students. But when it is about showing my art to others, I get insecure, abs more when it is about talking about my problems because usually people will take advantage of that and use it to bother me later... I like the idea of the anonymous, I may give that a try... thanks Guess I am just plain unlucky when it comes to making friends. Or I simply suck at it, always messing it up, talking too much or too little, I don't know. But thanks for everything. @Hollyj Thank you for your advice. I will try...
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