Always the dumpee never the dumper? What do I do wrong?

[Sarahjb]

I've recently got my heartbroken for the 3rd time now and it has been a huge blow to my self esteem. I seem to be really unlucky in love. I just can't help but feel like I do something wrong. My last relationship the guy was head over heels for me and then out of nowhere he just lost feelings there was no fight no drama no warning. This is going to sound really arrogant but I'm a very attractive girl. Everywhere I go I turn heads and get compliments. My friends always joke about how they don't like going out with me because the spotlight is always on me. Getting men or getting attention is not any trouble for me it's keeping them. I'm fully aware that there's more to relationships than looks but it always seemed like we had a great connection aswell. I'm not clingy, I'm very loyal and caring. I'm not saying I'm perfect but who is? The pattern seems to go like they chase me for so long (usually guys I put in the friendzone) then I give them a chance and everything is going great then they get bored. The thing that really annoys me is I'm always so careful, I avoid the player type, the sweet talkers and the bad boys. I always go for the nice guy type and still end up getting hurt. I could get much more attractive guys butility I give the more average looking ones a chance. I always go for personality. I try to play things as safe as possible and I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of attracting men that just like me for my looks. Now I'm too scared to give anyone a chance ever again. For once I would just like to have someone be afraid of losing me.

[Wolfshook]

When you chase for too long and then you manage to make a catch then you just dont feel too excited.

 

How long did those relationships last?

[Wiseman2]

Try to avoid mini-relationships. It doesn't matter who you are or they are, these relationships are all about thrills, the thrill of the chase (for both of you) the thrill of new sex etc. However they burn out time on these is usually a few months. So this isn't about your looks, it's about not allowing things to progress in a paced way.

it's keeping them.The pattern seems to go like they chase me for so long then I give them a chance and everything is going great then they get bored.

[mustlovedogs]

If someone chases you for too long, they will develop an idealized version of you in their head that you will inevitably fall short of. They shouldn't have to chase you for that long - it puts you up on a pedestal. If you like the guy, go out with him earlier in the chase.

[RainyCoast]

what do you mean you put nice but unattractive guys in the friendzone? am i interpreting this correctly? you keep them close and pining for you for ages, then you grace them by agreeing to be in a relationship with them, and then they're over you first thing when they experience you up close, poof, just like that?

 

maybe they feel somewhat...tricked? unappreciated?

 

oh boy this thread could derail something catastrophic.

[Clinton]

Well, the common denominator here is you. There's something about you they don't like. I say this not to be mean but you come across as a tiny bit full of your self. The whole I'm great looking and I could do so much better in the looks department but I give the average ones a chance. That's a bit condescending.

 

Might be time to look in the mirror and do a thorough self examination.

[browneyedgirl36]

I had this problem for awhile. What I realized at some point was that, like you, I had a pattern: A guy would like me. He seemed nice enough, but I wasn't really sure about him -- maybe I didn't feel as attracted to him as I thought I should, maybe he was a bit too full-on with his feelings right away, when he barely knew me, etc. -- but something told me I should give him a chance, and so I did, but as SOON as I did, he'd back off, become less interested, suddenly decide he *couldn't* be in a relationship right then or that he "just wanted to be friends for now," etc. Well, by that time, I was already feeling attached -- or my ego was, anyway -- and it was devastating to me. What I realized, after awhile, is that I was dating guys I really wasn't that into (and who were more into the IDEA of having a relationship than they were into me specifically, hence they dumped me when they thought they had "caught" me), but when they dumped me, it hurt because it triggered some old stuff from my past about rejection, not feeling "good enough," etc.

 

 

The thing is, I am in a relationship currently with what could definitely be termed a "nice guy," but because I AM into him, and was from the very beginning, I didn't have to convince myself to "give him a chance." And, since he really liked me from the beginning (rather than just liking the idea of a girlfriend and a relationship), there was no "chasing," "catching," and then "backing off." My point is, BOTH people have to be into the other person rather early on -- the relationship needs to be as balanced as possible -- not lopsided with one person chasing and the other being "caught" -- from the beginning.

[RainyCoast]

yup. baiting and bonding are two entirely different manouvers.

 

one is done to be caught, affirmed as a "prize", idealized. then, narcissus is both the prime mover and the barrier for love.

 

the other is done to meet a romantic interest halfway- which is what we do when we are in fact interested in that person, and not the subconscious perception that our worth just shot up- proved by their long a chase.

 

i agree with browneyed entirely. and it sounds like you have buried an idea of your value as manifested only with reference to man. if you believed you were worthy, you would go for the guys you wanted, not "lower-rank" orbiters who want you, while you're lukewarm about them (but not their admiration).

 

it sounds brutal, which i didn't intend. i honestly believe your bottled up idea of yourself as undeserving is your answer.

[Sarahjb]

I'm not full of myself I'm confident. I don't go around thinking I'm better than everyone. I'm just saying yeah I can have my pick of men, you can say I'm full of myself but I'm just being honest. Instead of being shallow going for the great looking successful guys I go for more important things like personality. How is that bad? This is a place where you are supposed you should be able to talk honestly and speak your mind without getting judged.

[browneyedgirl36]

yup. baiting and bonding are two entirely different manouvers.

 

one is done to be caught, affirmed as a "prize", idealized. then, narcissus is both the prime mover and the barrier for love.

 

the other is done to meet a romantic interest halfway- which is what we do when we are in fact interested in that person, and not the subconscious perception that our worth just shot up- proved by their long a chase.

 

i agree with browneyed entirely. and it sounds like you have buried an idea of your value as manifested only with reference to man. if you believed you were worthy, you would go for the guys you wanted, not "lower-rank" orbiters who want you, while you're lukewarm about them (but not their admiration).

 

it sounds brutal, which i didn't intend. i honestly believe your bottled up idea of yourself as undeserving is your answer.

 

I don't think this is brutal at all -- it actually describes how I used to be VERY accurately, and the reason I was is that I let guys "choose" me rather than finding guys with whom the choice was reciprocal. It had to do more with how I viewed myself than it did with the actual guys. I was taking a very passive role; the chasing felt good, and then when it stopped, I was devastated because it "proved" how "unworthy" I was. Definitely a pattern I can see VERY clearly in hindsight.

[Clinton]

I'm not full of myself I'm confident. I don't go around thinking I'm better than everyone. I'm just saying yeah I can have my pick of men, you can say I'm full of myself but I'm just being honest. Instead of being shallow going for the great looking successful guys I go for more important things like personality. How is that bad? This is a place where you are supposed you should be able to talk honestly and speak your mind without getting judged.

 

You wanted my honest opinion you got it. Don't shoot the messenger just because you don't like it.

 

I think your response says a lot about who you are.

[Sarahjb]

Try to avoid mini-relationships. It doesn't matter who you are or they are, these relationships are all about thrills, the thrill of the chase (for both of you) the thrill of new sex etc. However they burn out time on these is usually a few months. So this isn't about your looks, it's about not allowing things to progress in a paced way.

 

How do I try to avoid them?

[Sarahjb]

You wanted my honest opinion you got it. Don't shoot the messenger just because you don't like it.

 

I think your response says a lot about who you are.

 

You couldn't possibly know who I am from one paragraph on here. That's ridiculous

[fitgirl]

Sarahjb, I don't really think you're full of yourself. I can tell you are confident and seem to value yourself. I hope you value the other qualities that you bring to the table. I would look back at these relationships and ask yourself how much effort you put into them. Did you value the men? Did you just receive the attention and not reciprocate? Would have you have done anything different if they were incredibly attractive?

[RainyCoast]

that is my stand on it too, browneyed. i don't see it as an indication of shallowness or conceit. i think it's a subconscious attempt at compensating for a perceived lack. it usually goes way back in the personal history before we could choose how we perceive ourselves, so i don't see facing it as a matter of guilt, but liberation. i know the usual reaction is the projection of the poster thinking we are saying they're bad. i feel bad about that because i personally struggle with ridiculous self-punishing beliefs and swear i don't feel like a bad person when gathering the courage to bring them to life. i feel like an unburdened person. that was what i wanted to for her in this matter. anyway, hoping op can gather that in. i can't convey my tone here.

[Sarahjb]

If someone chases you for too long, they will develop an idealized version of you in their head that you will inevitably fall short of. They shouldn't have to chase you for that long - it puts you up on a pedestal. If you like the guy, go out with him earlier in the chase.

 

It's not that I make them chase me it just takes me longer to develop feelings for people. Maybe I'm not that into them at the start but the more I get to know them the more I like them. They just come on strong straight away

[Clinton]

You couldn't possibly know who I am from one paragraph on here. That's ridiculous

 

All we can go by on here is what you type.

 

You seem have a chip on your shoulder and a rather high opinion of yourself.

 

That probably comes across in your relationships and may be part of the problem.

[Knot2loud]

I like the fact that you go for the "nice guy." I get tired of these dip-ship, oyster brained morons who play the girl, get laid, dump them and leave behind a girl that has issues of trust, jealousy and a baby. That's not saying much for the girl either...

 

Keep trying, don't give up... There's a lot of nice guys out there who would be more than happy to care for you and would never want to lose you.

[fitgirl]

It's not that I make them chase me it just takes me longer to develop feelings for people. Maybe I'm not that into them at the start but the more I get to know them the more I like them. They just come on strong straight away

 

Them coming on strong too fast might be the problem. They feel the need to give it all and that means they're lacking confidence. Probably the confidence needed to keep a relationship with an attractive girl. Maybe next time, go for the guy who treats you well but doesn't try to smother you with attention. The one who wants your heart.

[Sarahjb]

what do you mean you put nice but unattractive guys in the friendzone? am i interpreting this correctly? you keep them close and pining for you for ages, then you grace them by agreeing to be in a relationship with them, and then they're over you first thing when they experience you up close, poof, just like that?

 

maybe they feel somewhat...tricked? unappreciated?

 

oh boy this thread could derail something catastrophic.

 

No. That's completely wrong i dont go out on some mission to make them pine for me for ages. They come on strong straight away and at first I'm not sure but when I get to know them I fall for them. I never said unattractive either.

[Sarahjb]

All we can go by on here is what you type.

 

You seem have a chip on your shoulder and a rather high opinion of yourself.

 

That probably comes across in your relationships and may be part of the problem.

 

I just don't understand why you think I've such a high opinion of myself I actually don't. I'm shy, friendly and treat everyone with respect. I get on with everybody nobody has ever told me I'm full of myself. So do you think I'm full of myself because I said I get a lot of attention off guys? That's just the truth though.... I do and I know looks aren't aren't everything and there's obviously some other problem here if I had such a high opinion of myself I wouldn't be on here asking this.

[Sarahjb]

Sarahjb, I don't really think you're full of yourself. I can tell you are confident and seem to value yourself. I hope you value the other qualities that you bring to the table. I would look back at these relationships and ask yourself how much effort you put into them. Did you value the men? Did you just receive the attention and not reciprocate? Would have you have done anything different if they were incredibly attractive?

 

Thank you! People on here are some quick to judge and jump down your troath without even trying to understand the situation

[lostandhurt]

I have a few questions:

 

Do they dump you after you have been intimate with them?

 

Why aren't you sure about them at first but later change your mind?

 

Is it possible you aren't as good at picking players as you think?

 

How old are you? How old are the guys you usually date?

 

 

There is nothing wrong with being confident and know you are pretty. I am average or a little better and I have let down more than a few gorgeous women. Sometimes when you get to know someone better it just doesn't work.

 

Lost

[winniethepooh]

My last relationship the guy was head over heels for me and then out of nowhere he just lost feelings there was no fight no drama no warning.

Feelings don't get lost just like that out of nowhere. What changed?

 

I'm not saying I'm perfect but who is?

No one. What are your imperfections?

 

The pattern seems to go like they chase me for so long (usually guys I put in the friendzone) then I give them a chance and everything is going great then they get bored.

Why do they get bored?

 

Why do you put them in the friendzone first? And if you do, why do you change your mind and give them a chance?

 

I always go for the nice guy type and still end up getting hurt.

Something doesn't compute here. Maybe they aren't the nice guys you think they are. Or maybe there's something about you they don't like, but it isn't obvious at first what it is.

 

I could get much more attractive guys butility I give the more average looking ones a chance.

That sounds patronizing, like you're doing them a favor by going out with them. In reality, of course attractive women do get more attention from men, but anyone is going to get turned off by having a relationship with someone if they think that someone is doing them a favor by going out with them.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging what you have that makes you more attractive, whether it's fame, looks, fitness, wealth, being in a band, intelligence, wit, charm, personality, etc ... but try to find a way to balance the relationship, not ways to make your partner feel inferior.

 

I'm tired of attracting men that just like me for my looks.

Some of the men you attract just like you for your looks. Some men will like your looks but are interested in your personality also. At first it's hard to know the difference. Perhaps think about the men you know, men you've dated, men you've met, and see if you can figure out which ones just wanted you for your looks vs which ones were interested in you as a person.

 

Now I'm too scared to give anyone a chance ever again. For once I would just like to have someone be afraid of losing me.

Again you sound patronizing, as though you're some sort of prize to be awarded. Well in some ways that's not your fault, society and history puts attractive women on pedestals as prizes to be won or bought.

 

Another perspective might be that you got dumped by men who *were* afraid of losing you so dumped you first before they lost you. Which sounds lame I know but people sometimes think in strange ways. If you have a lot of male friends, then your bfs might be insecure about that.

 

Have any of the men you've known criticised you for any reason?

 

Are you sure the men you've been with aren't players? Not necessarily bad boy types but some men (and women) can be deceptively manipulative in terms of getting what they want. How long have the 3 relationships lasted and was there a similar pattern to how they went?

[mustlovedogs]

Sarah - you came online asking for opinions and got them. Your reaction indicates to me that the only answers you'll accept are:

- their loss! They screwed up dumping you

- it's them, not you

- nothing you're doing is wrong

 

Etc etc etc...

 

So, what answer do you want? Why post if you aren't open to opinions?