Always the dumpee never the dumper? What do I do wrong?

[Clinton]

I just don't understand why you think I've such a high opinion of myself I actually don't. I'm shy, friendly and treat everyone with respect. I get on with everybody nobody has ever told me I'm full of myself. So do you think I'm full of myself because I said I get a lot of attention off guys? That's just the truth though.... I do and I know looks aren't aren't everything and there's obviously some other problem here if I had such a high opinion of myself I wouldn't be on here asking this.

 

As I said, I can only go by what you type and offer my opinion.

 

I'm a guy. And my experience is hot chicks really have to f it up for a so called average guy to dump them.

 

But none of us are qualified professionals so take our opinions for what they are worth

[Sarahjb]

I have a few questions:

 

Do they dump you after you have been intimate with them?

 

Why aren't you sure about them at first but later change your mind?

 

Is it possible you aren't as good at picking players as you think?

 

How old are you? How old are the guys you usually date?

 

 

There is nothing wrong with being confident and know you are pretty. I am average or a little better and I have let down more than a few gorgeous women. Sometimes when you get to know someone better it just doesn't work.

 

Lost

 

Well I was intimate with them but they didn't just leave afterwards.

 

For me it takes me a long time to have an emotionally bond with something and things like looks don't matter to me. For example I wouldn't be attracted to someone unless I really knew them properly. Even if they were really good looking on the outside. But I feel like looks are much more important to guys. Which is why I probably attract the shallow type who chase me for my looks? But maybe I can't live up to they're expectations in the end. My last boyfriend said I was the most caring and sweet girl he's ever met. He obviously doesn't think I'm some full of myself with a chip on my shoulder the wayear people have made me out on here.

 

And yeah its completely possible that I'm not as good at picking them as I think. One of my boyfriends turned out to be an who left me because he wanted to sleep around but then begged me to take him back. We broke up two years ago and even now he says he can't get over me but I feel nothing for him.

 

I'm 21 and they have all been in their 20'sale to.

[Sarahjb]

Sorry if some of words are coming out wrong. I'm on my phone and have auto correct and it doesn't help 5 hat I'm typing fast

[lostandhurt]

Sarah,

 

I read this about your last bf I am guessing.

 

He was a nice guy he treated everyone with respect. We never had any fights and we always got on great. The last two weeks of our relationship I neglected him. I didn't pay any attention to him because I was taking on so many hours at work and was stressed out. This made me grumpy and short with him... when he would call I'd say it's not a good time I was tired ect.

 

Do you think you treat your bf's as good as they treat you? Reading your words about the way you treated him for 2 weeks makes it look like you expected him to simply wait until you felt like making him a priority in your life. Intentional or not how would you feel if a guy did that to you? Making an effort no matter how little time you have is a big deal. Remember how you felt when he helped your family and took your brother to the movies? Now look how that would feel if you did all that and then he basically ignored you for 2 weeks.

 

You and these guys are very young and have no idea what you really want in life or who yet but these kinds of experiences can help you figure out what you DO NOT want in your life that is for sure.

 

There is an interesting thing about humans. When we have all kinds of choices we tend to treat things with less loving care. If we only have lets say one really nice pair of shoes we will take very good care of them but if we have a closet full of shoes then they are less valuable in our eyes. Try and be brutally honest with yourself privately and see what you can admit to yourself.

 

The good news is that you are young and have plenty of time to find your way. Maybe even no date for a while.

 

Lost

[Sarahjb]

Feelings don't get lost just like that out of nowhere. What changed?

The only thing I can thing of us the fact I work a lot. 13 hour shifts. This is somthing that bothered my ex because he could only see me once or twice a week. Also I wouldn't have a lot of time to talk mid week ..when I come in from work he would want to stay on the phone for ages but I would cut him short because I was tired I guess he felt he wasn't getting enough attention he said it was always good when we were together.

 

 

No one. What are your imperfections? Well my biggest imperfection was that I can be moody but that's because I have a very emotionally and physically draining job with long 13 hour shifts (I'm a nurse). When I come home from work I can be stressed and not in the mood for people

 

Why do they get bored?

I don't know ?

Why do you put them in the friendzone first? And if you do, why do you change your mind and give them a chance? I don't have some plan going to put them in the friendzone. I just have to really get to know someone before I have feelings for them. They grow on me.

 

 

Something doesn't compute here. Maybe they aren't the nice guys you think they are. Or maybe there's something about you they don't like, but it isn't obvious at first what it is.

Maybe you're right maybe they aren't that's what scares me the most because people can put on a good front.

 

 

That sounds patronizing, like you're doing them a favor by going out with them. In reality, of course attractive women do get more attention from men, but anyone is going to get turned off by having a relationship with someone if they think that someone is doing them a favor by going out with them.

I never made anyone feel like that. I would never say those things out loud. People think things to themselves all the time but don't actually say them out loud because obviously I have a conscious and would never put someone down or hurt there feelings. I'm just sharing my honest thoughts with a bunch of strangers.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging what you have that makes you more attractive, whether it's fame, looks, fitness, wealth, being in a band, intelligence, wit, charm, personality, etc ... but try to find a way to balance the relationship, not ways to make your partner feel inferior.

It's funny you say that because I'm only saying what my ex boyfriend told me this is actually a message my ex sent me after the break up word for word.

 

"Sarah I hate to hurt you because you really don't deserve it. My mom was really mad at me when she found out I broke up with you. She said you're sweetheart and it made me feel worst because I know its true. You are the most caring person I know and it's nothing you did wrong honest. I don't know why I feel the way i do. I'm probably going to regret this and I know I'll never find anyone bettet than you looks personality ect I don't want you to feel like you're not good enough I still really care about you. I'm a home body and you like excitement. You deserve someone who can give you that. Someone will be able to look after you better than I can" does he sound like someone who felt inferior?

 

Some of the men you attract just like you for your looks. Some men will like your looks but are interested in your personality also. At first it's hard to know the difference. Perhaps think about the men you know, men you've dated, men you've met, and see if you can figure out which ones just wanted you for your looks vs which ones were interested in you as a person.

 

 

Again you sound patronizing, as though you're some sort of prize to be awarded. Well in some ways that's not your fault, society and history puts attractive women on pedestals as prizes to be won or bought.

Yeah well that's how they make me feel. It's funny you say that because my ex put a picture of me and him on instagram and captioned the picture "girl like a trophy " lol

 

Another perspective might be that you got dumped by men who *were* afraid of losing you so dumped you first before they lost you. Which sounds lame I know but people sometimes think in strange ways. If you have a lot of male friends, then your bfs might be insecure about that. Well that would be a nice way to look at it rather than they just can't stand you haha

 

Have any of the men you've known criticised you for any reason? Well yeah for stupid stuff like being untidy or petty things like that (mood swings )

 

Are you sure the men you've been with aren't players? Not necessarily bad boy types but some men (and women) can be deceptively manipulative in terms of getting what they want. How long have the 3 relationships lasted and was there a similar pattern to how they went?

That could be true how is anyone to know anymore

[Clinton]

In all my years I've never seen a relationship where it was all one persons fault that it ended outside of violence or drug use. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. So you've had a part to play here. Your challenge is discovering what that is.

 

So you have to take a good hard look at yourself. If you don't want to do that, well this may just keep happening. None of us can really tell from what you've said whats wrong, we can only guess. But something is. It's up to you to determine that.

[Sarahjb]

I just want to clear things up by no means do I think I'm doing someone a favour by being with them I would never say things like i have in my question out loud to people I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings or put anyone down I would never do that but we all have thoughts and things we don't say out loud. I'm just sharing my thoughts openlying to strangers on the Internet who aren't going to take it personal. And a lot of what I've said on here is actually things my ex boyfriend said to me in a message after he broke up with me. This is word for word what he said.

"Sarah I really hate that I hurt you because you don't deserve it. My mom was annoyed at me for breaking up with you. She said I was making a mistake because you're sweetheart and it upset me because I know she's right. You're the most caring person I know and I'm never going to find anyone better than you looks wise, personality ect I don't want you to feel like you weren't good enough. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing I woke up today feeling like an idiot and I know I'll probably regret this. But a part of me gets down and has doubt a and I don't understand why. I've been feeling like this for 2 weeks now and I keep thinking the feeling will go away but it doesn't. It's nothing you did wrong i promise. Someone else can look after you better than I can"

[Sarahjb]

That could be true how is anyone to know anymore

 

In all my years I've never seen a relationship where it was all one persons fault that it ended outside of violence or drug use. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. So you've had a part to play here. Your challenge is discovering what that is.

 

So you have to take a good hard look at yourself. If you don't want to do that, well this may just keep happening. None of us can really tell from what you've said whats wrong, we can only guess. But something is. It's up to you to determine that.

 

I never said I didn't think of did anything wrong inumber fact I blamed everything on myself. I work 13 hour shifts in a demanding job. Emotionally and physically draining (I'm a nurse) I wouldn't see him enough. I'd stay over at his once a week and I wouldn't talk to him a lot mid week just because I was busy and somtimes he would be demanding attention and it would annoy me because I really couldn't give him it when I get in from work I can be moody and go to bed straight away and shut out the world. He said everything was always great when we were together but it bothered him that he didn't see me enough but he still insisted it's nothing I did

[Sarahjb]

I disagree Clinton I don't think relationships always end because it's someone's fault. Things done work out between people all the time it doesn't mean it was anybody a fault it could be incompatibly, two people wanting different things in life, different beliefs ect. I don't think it's about who's at fault and I never tried to blame the fault on anybody eithet

[Jibralta]

How long are these relationships, on average? Maybe you're moving to fast, too soon.

[DancingFool]

I think you need to take a step back. You are really really young and you are talking about only 3 guys. That's such a small sample, that it's completely negligible. I mean you are supposed to go out, date and try out all kinds of people so that once you have a few years and some life and dating experience under your belt, you actually recognize the right mate when you meet him AND know how to make it work because you've had all those learning experiences along the way, aka practice relationships.

 

So far, you have one guy who was actually a man wh#re....so that kind of negates your claim that you recognize players. You clearly don't. The other guy simply didn't feel the necessary emotional connection or whatever connection, which is kind of neither here nor there and means nothing much. The third, if I understand correctly, was a really bad match because you have a demanding job and he was attached at the hip type. Again, neither here nor there and I think the only failure on your part is recognizing that these guys were never right for you in the first place.

 

Basically, I think before you start asking what's wrong with you, you simply need to chill out and actually date more and don't expect relationships in your early/just barely 20's to actually last. They don't and they aren't supposed to. They are supposed to be learning steps.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest it doesn't matter what this one guy's epitaph for the end of the relationship was, lot's of people sugar coat break-ups because they don't want to hurt anyone. What matters is timing, pacing and playing fair. It's not about some glowing break-up exit review, it's about how you conduct yourself and if long term is really for you anyway.

ex boyfriend said to me in a message after he broke up with me. This is word for word what he said. "Sarah I really hate that I hurt you because you don't deserve it. My mom was annoyed at me for breaking up with you. She said I was making a mistake because you're sweetheart and it upset me because I know she's right. You're the most caring person I know and I'm never going to find anyone better than you looks wise, personality ect I don't want you to feel like you weren't good enough. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing I woke up today feeling like an idiot and I know I'll probably regret this. But a part of me gets down and has doubt a and I don't understand why. I've been feeling like this for 2 weeks now and I keep thinking the feeling will go away but it doesn't. It's nothing you did wrong i promise. Someone else can look after you better than I can"

[Clarisse]

"Sarah I hate to hurt you because you really don't deserve it. My mom was really mad at me when she found out I broke up with you. She said you're sweetheart and it made me feel worst because I know its true. You are the most caring person I know and it's nothing you did wrong honest. I don't know why I feel the way i do. I'm probably going to regret this and I know I'll never find anyone bettet than you looks personality ect I don't want you to feel like you're not good enough I still really care about you. I'm a home body and you like excitement. You deserve someone who can give you that. Someone will be able to look after you better than I can" does he sound like someone who felt inferior?

 

Based on that message, he didn't think you were compatible. That spells it out pretty clearly. He likes to stay home, you like excitement. Lack of compatibility is a pretty common reason for a break-up. You're still young. It can take a few years of experience and maturity to understand what makes a good partner. You simply weren't right for each other. It happens.

[winniethepooh]

Basically, I think before you start asking what's wrong with you, you simply need to chill out and actually date more and don't expect relationships in your early/just barely 20's to actually last. They don't and they aren't supposed to. They are supposed to be learning steps.

I don't think so. My parents started a relationship in their early 20s and it lasted, and despite (or because of) rocky patches it is still lasting. I am as sure as I can be about anything that death will do them part.

 

For many, or most, people, relationships don't last, and we hopefully learn from them, until we have one that lasts. That's different from saying it's supposed to be like that. In any aspect of life we fail until we succeed, but we are supposed to be trying to succeed every time, not supposed to be failing.

 

That could be true how is anyone to know anymore

We do the best we can with the information we have. When we fail we do our best to learn why we fail and try not to repeat any mistakes we made.

 

This is word for word what he said.

"Sarah I really hate that I hurt you because you don't deserve it. My mom was annoyed at me for breaking up with you. She said I was making a mistake because you're sweetheart and it upset me because I know she's right. You're the most caring person I know and I'm never going to find anyone better than you looks wise, personality ect I don't want you to feel like you weren't good enough. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing I woke up today feeling like an idiot and I know I'll probably regret this. But a part of me gets down and has doubt a and I don't understand why. I've been feeling like this for 2 weeks now and I keep thinking the feeling will go away but it doesn't. It's nothing you did wrong i promise. Someone else can look after you better than I can"

I have recently been on the receiving end of a similar sentiment (omit the attractive and sweetheart qualities, I don't have them). It is infuriating to hear someone say they think they are making a mistake but they're going to go ahead and make it anyway. And nothing you (or anyone else) say or do will make them reconsider.

 

It means they are more stupid than they know, or they are lying about something and trying not to hurt your feelings.

 

So we go back to the previous statement of yours I quoted. Try and figure out first of all whether he's lying or not, and then what there was in his words and actions early on that you missed but indicated his stupidity or deception. I am still learning there are many many small things people say or do early on in a relationship which tell you a great deal about them.