My Family Has Driven Me Nuts Via Their Hurtful Behavior and I am at My Wits End

[Flitzy99]

I am 22 years old. I live separately from my immediate family, with my fiancé whom I have been with for almost four years now. He works in general production, I am a homemaker. We are planning on getting married, likely within a couple of months/toward the end of the Summer, and are also planning to start a family within the next year or so. I express this in writing, and on the surface, it sounds like a fairly nice life. In reality, my life is in a constant state of upset because my family drives me nuts.

I will be the first to tell anyone I am in no fine state when it comes to them, solely on the grounds that they're a bit more than fairly dysfunctional. "All families are", atleast according to my mom, but I don't feel this should be a norm, atleast not to the extent my family has taken it. (Sorry for the pre-rant, this has just been bothering me since practically the time I exited the womb).

The accumulation of this, combined with my literal yearning for a positive relationship with literally any one person in my family has garnered me a reputation for "bucking the system" as my aunt liked to call it at one time, as well as a reputation within my family as, simply put, a bad kid, and to be honest, that assessment, (which despite starting with her, came to be shared by the majority of my immediate family), has really hurt me through the years, and continues to do so today, because despite the constant drama at every turn in my childhood, I view myself as someone with their head on relatively straight. Anyway, onto the main scoop.

I am an only child. For a fair amount of people, this would equate the assumption that I was atleast someone's pride and joy. Not true. My oldest COUSIN who was born 5 years before me, TO MY AUNT AND UNCLE , filled that slot per ALL of my immediate family. Growing up in someone's shadow is never a good time. Not only that, but my nana is a current drinker and (former?) alcoholic, who treated my mom and my aunt, well, like a constant drinker treats their small children. My mom grew up to be control freak, and my aunt, atleast when it comes to my mom, has abandonment/ protectiveness-related control issues, which have irreparably dented my relationship with my mom, due to her constant need to defend my mom with everything she has, at the tiniest, most insignificant guffaw, and frankly, almost never mind her own business when it comes to my relationship with my mom at literally any cost.

Constantly having someone in your face when you are young, and throughout your life as well, telling you things like, "You are the reason your mom has cancer.", and "You need to learn that my kids are your equals!", (what?), after a game of hide and seek at a young age left my hand smashed in a door to the point of almost being broken, or, more recently, circa high school, pouring out the food and water for my dog I was in charge of watching while my mom was away for business, then promptly accusing me of ANIMAL ABUSE, and my mom just enjoying the fact that although I truly did not deserve punishment for ANY of the drama this crazy person took it upon themselves to create, she wasn't the one giving out the royal decree, and viewed herself as in the clear.

As you can likely glean, now that I am an adult and living on my own, I only speak to my aunt at family events, and briefly, at that. However, the issue that has brought me here, and brought me to the point of finally realizing I likely won't choose a relationship with my family much longer if this misfortune continues, is not the fact that no one has expressed any interest in my engagement or pending marriage, (I've just had to learn to get over that one), but my nana calling me up, in the Memorial day weekend, to remind me she has a goodie bag to give me the next time she sees me, I finally get it from her, and not only is it comprised largely of basic necessity items, which I found to be quite insulting, (and have every time in the past this has occurred), BUT THIS TIME, ALSO CONTAINS USED COSMETICS, which I'm almost 99% sure came directly from her, not from her work, due to the fact the woman's entire spiel for the giving of the stuff is that she works at CVS...she knows what packaged lipliner and full bottles of nail polish look like.

I'm truly fed up with the behavior I liken to a knee jerk reaction from really all of my family -it's not just my nana who thinks things like this are okay- on the grounds they honestly believe my fiancé and I are for lack of a better word, poorly, because he doesn't work as an ad exec for Proctor and Gamble, and I am not a rising doctoral student, ( alâ, special star cousin and her husband).

When I mentioned this recently to my mom, her reaction was that I am in the wrong because it doesn't matter how a 'gesture' comes off as long as it gets carried out, but if this is what the rest of my life is going to continue to be if I don't crack a few eggs, which in my family is a huge no-no, I truly feel I will end up going literally crazy. It has gotten to the point that I have told my fiancé if he ever comes across an opportunity with business to move even as far as out of state, not to ask me beyond the resonable question asking stage, and just say yes, because if all that isn't enough, we live less than 30 minutes away from the majority of the people mentioned.

 

I apologize for this being as long and rant-y as it is, I've just been looking for an outlet to express my experience with my family for some time now and finally stumbled upon this site. Thankyou to anyone who actually took or takes the time to read this. Any feedback is both highly welcomed and appreciated.

 

Ps: Once I initially posted this, I realized the tags attached are not the ones I typed in, so I'm assuming this post is tagged by key words within itself. Just wanted to clear that up incase anyone was like "Hey, um, this isn't about moms and jobs".

[dearJas]

Im not sure what's wrong with your family, something is definitely wrong though. All you can do is continue to make an effort but I wouldn't take whatever they say or do to heart. If this is what your nana's gifts are like every year, just stop collecting them or trash them. You don't need to prove yourself to your family and the minute you put your foot down they will either be forced to respect you or lose you. Your an adult now and if they don't see you as one there's a real problem there.

 

Family is family and we can't replace them that's why it's good to try and make it work, go to your family events- you don't have to stay for ages especially if your fiance's family is more accommodating, show your face and take your leave. Don't forget that in getting married your going to have a new family (your fiances) hopefully they are delightful and you can have the family you've always wanted with them. But don't give up on yours, just know where to draw the line. If they don't care about your wedding it doesn't matter as your not getting married for them but for yourself.

[catfeeder]

You're living on your own. That gives you the privilege of moving your focus away from attempts to 'win' the hearts and minds of family, and just live your life. It entitles you to find productive interests that fill the gap where childhood chaos occupied your mind, and it allows you to let go of the child mentality as you adopt the maturity that equalizes your role with family.

 

We all need to reconcile a shift in our role from the child to the equal, even while that shift eventually moves us into the role of the caretakers of those who raised us. Along with that shift, new things about the weaknesses and limitations of our parents become apparent, and we can either view them through a lens of compassion or one that holds tight to the frustrations of entitlement.

 

Nobody had a perfect parent, and none of us were perfect children. To this day, well into my 50's, I'm known as 'the late one' despite being on time for the last 20-something years while my step brother, the prodigal son, receives cheers and applause for showing up AT ALL.

 

Uhm...I roll with it. I applaud, too, and I laugh with SB over the leftover labels we continue to wear as the baddies of the bunch.

 

The more mature you become, the less relevant other's thoughts and behaviors 'need' to be for you, and the more harmony you'll adopt with your ability to deflect and find amusement in the remnants of old stuff. The more absorbed you remain with attention-seeking and control over family--or anyone else--the more miserable you will make yourself, unnecessarily.

 

It's a decision.

[Flitzy99]

My fiancé's family has their quirks but they're nothing like my family. His mom has a similar background within her own family as I do with mine, so I've sortof connected with her through the years. With the nana gifts in the past, I've just let things go because I feel I have better things to do with my time than make waves, but yeah, this most recent go-round was the last straw. As for the proving thing, that's just how it's always been and it's something I know likely won't change, but it does hurt to have in the back of my head "HEY THIS IS HOW YOUR FAMILY IS". If I had it my way, I would cut ties completely, and not just temporarily like I've done in the past, but even putting focus on that is honestly draining as hell. I'm hoping my fiancé is offered a better job soon so that we can have more of a means to realize OUR collective familial dream, and hopefully, eventually get the Hell out of dodge...I just cant believe this is the kind of family I was born into half the time, but I do appreciate the feedback.

[Flitzy99]

Hi, CatFeeder.

I appreciate your insight although your stated punctuality issue is truly within a far more benign realm than my own. I have cut ties in the past, but as unfortunately this group of people is my family, (atleast when things have involved my mom, which are things I'm not really willing to get into here), I've bitten the bullet and pushed my own feelings aside for the sake of, what else, family.

I am truly hoping the insight on "You're in the wrong, let nana do her thing.", which I received as recently as last night, is the absolute wakeup call to leave things where they are for good and either only make presence when necessary or, an option that seems the most appealing, not at all, and finally be done with this, truly sticking to the choice of living without the drama.

Thanks for your response.

[Seraphim]

As dysfunctional as some families are try not to idolize your partner's family . I came out of dysfunction palooza and thought I found a wonderful family to marry into . Yeah , right. Their fruit basket was a little deeper than I thought and stuff has dribbled out over the past 27 years that made me happy for my own family .

 

In short make a family with your partner.

[Billie28]

Quit the childish thoughts and blame game.

 

Why are you so dependant on others?

You could live in a different country if you want to yet depending on your fiancé to help that happen?

 

It's time to grow up!

[Flitzy99]

Being in the relationship I've been in with him for almost 4 years now, I've gotten to know his family quite well. Believe me, they have their issues, but on the whole are a lot more comfortable to be around and I have a bond with them I truly treasure. I appreciate the feedback. Thankyou, Victoria66.

Also, Billie Whatever, your comment has been reported as it is both unsupportive and unnecessary, as well as the fact you likely did not read my entry in full. Thanks and have a great day. Please do not contact this thread again.

[Seraphim]

Being in the relationship I've been in with him for almost 4 years now, I've gotten to know his family quite well. Believe me, they have their issues, but on the whole are a lot more comfortable to be around and I have a bond with them I truly treasure. I appreciate the feedback. Thankyou, Victoria66.

Also, Billie Whatever, your comment has been reported as it is both unsupportive and unnecessary, as well as the fact you likely did not read my entry in full. Thanks and have a great day. Please do not contact this thread again.

 

Only a moderator can tell someone not to post. Just an FYI.

[Flitzy99]

Oh well. Hopefully whoever it was got the memo, and since I reported their input I'm hoping it gets dealt with accordingly. I'm not putting too much stock in trolling/keyboard warrioring as I started this thread mainly to vent and just get my frustration out, but thankyou for letting me know.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, an alcoholic parent can wreak devastation for generations after them. Your Mum and Aunt are playing off a script that was set up for them in childhood (like your own) and will probably never escape it. Unless your Mum and Aunt havesome kind of break through and therapy, you are very, very unlikely to get the relationship with them that you desire. It's not your fault, but it's also not something you can control. It might be healthier for you to get some space from your family, and work with a councellor to make sure that when you do finally have a child that you don't revert back to these patterns. Knowing you don't want them for you kids, and actually being able to not do it to your kids aren't always one and the same.

[Flitzy99]

Since childhood I have thankfully somehow known the difference between that behavior and what is normal, and because of my ability to figure out what I don't want to be as an adult, based on all I've seen within that environment, I don't want to sound cocky, but I truly feel I will be a far superior adult in my someday children's lives than were the adults in mine. They've basically shown me what not to do or be, and when it comes to having children my forefront thought has always been "be who you needed when you were younger".

As for your insight on the effects of having a parent who grew up in a substance abuse household, the aftermath of all that definitely affected my childhood more than I'm sometimes comfortable to admit, and once I am married and on better health insurance I do indeed plan on seeking out a trustworthy therapist.

Thankyou for your input. I really value and appreciate what all you've had to say.

[Iggy5129]

Quit the childish thoughts and blame game.

 

Why are you so dependant on others?

You could live in a different country if you want to yet depending on your fiancé to help that happen?

 

It's time to grow up!

 

This isn't trolling. It's a valid point. You've been with your BF as a "homemaker" since you were 18. You don't have a job and seems you never have. It gives the impression that you are clinging on him to save you from your family. What do you do as a "homemaker" who doesn't have kids? Clean and sit around watching TV all day? Is this what you plan to do from the age of 18 until you die? Do you see why someone would be concerned here??

 

This may or may not be true. But being dependent on a man for your very survival at such a young age is quite frankly foolish. Who knows what will happen 10 years down the road. You may end up a single mother with no source of income and no work experience or education to fall back on. You're truly stunting your growth and not planning very smartly for the future.

 

As far as your family I would just walk away forever. Doesn't really seem worth the effort.

 

You can't just tell people giving you cold hard truth to go away. Just like a man can't come and save you from the cold hard truth of the world. There will come a time when you will have to face it alone.

[qwaspolk82]

You don't have to be around your family if you don't want to. I disagree with the comment you can't replace your family - yes you can. Blood doesn't mean anything. At all. Ask anyone who has been abused or neglected and gone on to be adopted or moved on from that.

 

If you are dependent on your fiancé that is a bad thing. You need to be able to take care of yourself in case something happens and you guys break up.

 

Your family does sound dysfunctional and all families have quirks but they are not all dysfunctional. Your grandma is still an alcoholic. She might be recovering but once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Same with addicts. I thought my family was messed up and it is but solely because our mom screwed up our childhoods with her affair and running off crap. Otherwise, when I look back, my dad and my brothers and my extended family are all pretty normal compared to my ex's family. I thought his family was great. I was super close to his twin sisters. His parents. One of his sisters told me I was her best friend above her twin and like a sister and all this. We haven't hardly talked in a year because I told off her piece of crap husband after he broke her phone in an argument and is just a raging jerk. His mom has always been nutty but she went off the deep end. I realize my family - pretty sane. Pretty normal. Us kids just have issues because of our mom.

 

If your family is that bad, just stop talking to them. You are 22 you don't have to associate with them if you don't want to.

 

Also - just because you don't like what someone says doesn't mean it's trolling or offensive. They were just rather blunt is all.

[Seraphim]

I agree getting an education and work experience is invaluable. Single income house holds are few these days because it is very hard. You can make it work if you are very frugal but you need a back up plan.

[Flitzy99]

In response to Iggy: I realize I didn't go into much detail about my life now aside from that small snippet, but to clear that up, I chose to leave my job about a year ago to take care of my home because it was what I wanted to do, as well as the fact that the level of income per our home more than allowed it. I have always had the ability to work outside the home, and when it comes down to it, if I ever was in a situation where the worst was to come, or we needed the extra income, or I was however unfortunately from whatever point on after, all alone, I know how to go out and find work, be it even in the form of a less than comfortable job, (ie: retail), and make my own money. I am also not uneducated in the least.

And since what I do all day came up, it's fairly simple: I do what needs done around my home, be that errands or run of the mill housework. I don't sit on my butt and do nothing. That would be ridiculous and uncalled for and would likely lead to a huge rift in my relationship.

I also never stated that I looked to my fiancé to save me in any way. He and I didn't move in together until well after our relationship had been established in seriousness and we knew that we wanted a life together. That takes major commitment and doesn't happen overnight. I also don't appreciate the insinuation or assumption that his money is what motivates our togetherness, but seeing as you don't know me and your only point of reference to any parts of my personal non-family-trainwreck related life is what you read, it's truly not worth hashing and rehashing on my end because everybody everywhere has the right to their little something to say, but that doesn't make it correct.

Lastly to speak to the "cold hard truth" bit, I personally found zero truth or constructivism in that statement and have since made it known. Thanks for the input. Have a great day.

[Seraphim]

You can also relay information to help your thread but without the chip on the shoulder. It takes two to tango, right? We are not your family but strangers you posed your life to. You can be insulted or get something out of it.

[Flitzy99]

In response to everyone else: I truly do appreciate the genuine concern. No chip, I just didn't agree with the delivery and found the comment on the whole to be unnecessarily grating. That being said, as scary as it was, it's nice to know that I put myself out there per expression of personal situation and got back atleast a fair amount of encouraging, and/or insightful feedback. It's really made a difference to know that I'm not alone and that there are other people who either know what that kind of family life is like, or were even just willing to hear my inner thoughts on the matter. This has overall been such a positive experience and even though this is something I've struggled to understand for the majority of my life, I'm glad I sounded off on it here.

[Seraphim]

There are many many here who have had very hard childhoods including myself we do understand . Some are a lot older too so have much life experience to draw from. We just want it to turn out as best as possible for you.

[Flitzy99]

You do not know how much I appreciate that. It really means a lot that there are people I've never even met who can identify with my experience/s or at the very least be supportive of my journey to better myself and hopefully in the future get a real handle on healing.

[Billie28]

Being in the relationship I've been in with him for almost 4 years now, I've gotten to know his family quite well. Believe me, they have their issues, but on the whole are a lot more comfortable to be around and I have a bond with them I truly treasure. I appreciate the feedback. Thankyou, Victoria66.

Also, Billie Whatever, your comment has been reported as it is both unsupportive and unnecessary, as well as the fact you likely did not read my entry in full. Thanks and have a great day. Please do not contact this thread again.

 

The moderators thought my comment was fair since I have not received any notification from them.

 

You have simply highlighted my point. You need to stop the blame game.

You seem to have a sense of entitlement.

 

You get offended by comments from your aunt and gifts from your nana.

You get offended at my comment.

 

Just because you get offended , that does not mean the other person intended to offend.

 

If anything, you are acting like a spoilt child not one that suffered.

 

Now, you call yourself a homemaker. And defend your "title".

It's lacking ambition and lacking foresight.

All the things it seems to take you 8 hrs a day to do, you will need to do in one hour when children come along.

You would be far better off working and saving now so that when you do have children you can afford the necessities then, perhaps afford childcare so you can work part time etc.

Or at the very least have something on your resume to fall back on should you need to work if your partner ever couldn't or you split up.

 

Or, rely on your nanas used cosmetics when times get tough.

 

A forum such as this one, is to give unbiased objective opinions and advice.

You don't have to like what you read or take the advice.

I suggest in future you think about what each and everyone's responses are.

I took time out to reply.

I didn't elaborate because really I didn't think it was necessary at the time but clearly I needed to in your case.

 

There are trolls and there are enablers. Neither are of benefit to anyone posting an issue. I am neither.

[Flitzy99]

In response to Billie: I came here to vent. My execution was sloppy because I was already upset when I started writing. To that end, my bad. Given those facts, the next time you want to know something's context, just ask. The assumption that I am with my significant other for any reason other than that I love him is/was upsetting to say the least, but given that I was already in wavy confidence due to having thought enough about all that to get on the internet and spill to a neutral environment, the smart thing, in hindsight would have been to let it go and not acknowledge it or any other comments I felt were negative since that's not even why I came here in the first place. However, yes, your and similar comments set me off, and I will admit that in full.

Given, however, that the few comments, (your initial coment included), I felt were not helpful were the ones I responded in full-throttle to, I'm sorry but what it comes down to is that we do not see eye to eye, not that I'm entitled because you didn't like the way I reacted to what you felt you had to say, or that my feelings were hurt by receiving items as a 'gift' that would likely otherwise have ended up in the trash, etc.

My family life was not ideal. That's not up for debate. The way I have most recently been treated by my family, whether or not by your standard that has been displayed properly, has proven taxing. That's not up for debate.

Adult behavior contributes by and large to the scenario and experience of an unhappy home, and actions are what lead to reactions. That is not up for debate.

I appreciate your input, even though as the person who actually lives my life, I disagree with the majority of what you've had to say, if not all of it entirely. You, and the few others who responded in the way you did, even being members on this website is proof that whatever it may be, you're all here for a reason, too.

Sorry you and I just aren't meshing on this, but thank you, either way, for having taken time out of your day to add to this thread.