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I think about killing myself a lot but don't think I'm depressed.


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Hi, new here so I hope im not breaking any rules or anything.

I've been depressed since I was 11 years old. Ever since my druggy dad started verbally abusing my family and cheating on my mom....I remember skipping out on school and staying home to just sleep all day and cutting my wrists whenever I was awake. I remember being 13 and every other night sneaking into the medicine cabinet to swallow half a bottle of pills...only to throw it up a couple hours later. My hands would sometimes turn orange, which i new was jaundice, and being happy that I was dying. No one knew, they just thought I was sick. I remember being 16 and swallowing the whole bottle of my sister old medicine, throwing up all night, and waking up to me having serotonin syndrome. I know what my depression is like. It is suffocating, consuming and crippling. This time is so much different.

I now think about ways to kill myself so easily its just become a part of my personality. When I'm driving in the car i think about how I could just swerve off the road, or unbuckle and throw myself out the car and off the bridge. I think about hanging myself or stabbing a knife through my wrist. But I dont feel depressed...I feel so normal, more so than i have in a long time, but these thoughts have been plaguing my mind more and more. i just want to die. No rhyme or reason, i just want to die.

Can anyone relate? Anyone have any advice?

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How old are you now? I sometimes think medication and therapy dont do much to help. You need someone who cares in your life and fun in your life? Is there a big brothers big sisters program you can become part of? Learn a fun hobby or meetup group where you can make friends? Get a job so you can have freedom and move out on your own? Smash your medicine cabinet so you never overtake anything. Join a gym, spend time outside go hiking or biking!

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I'm sorry to hear all of this. I think it would be best to have therapy rather then anti depressants. I went on anti depressants once and was so dizzy I had to get off them. You get hooked on them and the doctors only increase the dosage each time you go if you haven't made progress. Go to therapy talk to someone also try relaxing techniques or meditation to get you mind off it. You can usually download these darts of apps on your phone. Your not the only one who has had those thoughts it can be a pretty weird feeling as you ask yourself 'why am I thinking this' and the more you try to push it away it creeps back in. Like other people have mentioned do something you enjoy get involved in an activity. Also a big one get it the gym or do some form of exercise it is great for you mentally and physically

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You don't have to feel depressed to have suicidal ideation.

Bipolar disorder has the highest risk of suicide at 15-20%, followed by schizophrenia (10-15%) , borderline personality disorder (10-15%), and unipolar depression (5-10%) The presence of anxiety or substance abuse further increases the risk of suicide. Borderline personality disorder has the highest risk for attempted suicide (70-80%). Those with bipolar disorder are most likely to succeed in their attempts at suicide.

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