What should I do about this dark secret??

[Kaileen]

I have had two abortions. Before you start judging, hear me out.. The first abortion I was 16 years old, in a very abusive relationship, and clearly young with my life nowhere near being on track.. It was difficult but I had to make a decision and the one's who knew also convinced me abortion was the right choice. I finally got away from this terrible relationship. I had been battling minor depression and mentally beating myself up about the decision with the first abortion because of the guilt. Two years later, I got involved with someone older, out of vulnerability for him being there for me through certain situations, the first time I allowed him to have sex with me was the stupidest decision. I was drunk, depressed, underaged, and he was just older and he felt that he loved me somehow even though I did not feel the same. He took advantage of this and he told me he tried to get me pregnant on purpose. I was then convinced it was a great idea to keep it because I am a bad person if I get a second abortion he told me... Weeks later, I had enough of my parents and everyone putting me down and realized I had not yet finished school, and on top of that, I felt I did not deserve to have a child after having the first abortion.. So I took the easy way out and had another abortion. Because thats what I had always done as a young girl, ran away from all my problems.. Now that I am older, years have passed. I have a strong mind, body, and spirit connection with myself. Ive learned I do still deserve to be blessed with children and I have forgiven myself for all my mistakes growing up. I am now 8 months in a relationship with the greatest person I have ever met. We have such a strong connection, friendship, and bond. He knows everything about me so far, except the abortions. I believe a lot of my emotional and mental state have to do with these two situations that occurred in my life. Although, he wouldn't judge me negatively, I don't know if I should bring this up to him because I dont want him to view me differently or anything. We both believe our relationship is amazing and very serious. Should I tell him or should I hold back because he might "use it against me" in arguments, like my friend told me he might. (Even though she doesnt know him or the way he is because I dont believe he would hurt anyone like that)... What should I do?? Please no harsh judgement, or atleast keep it to yourselves. Thanks and bess you all.

[Hollyj]

No judgment here!

 

I had three. I do not regret having them, but wish I had been more responsible. In many ways.

 

I really think that you need to give yourself a break. You did what was best for you at the time, and were no where near being ready to raise a child.

 

I think that you should feel comfortable sharing your past with this man. If he cannot handle it, then he is not right one for you.

 

The first time someone ever used that against me in an argument, would be the last.

 

Good luck!!!!!

[Wiseman2]

You were not with him during this time and your sexual history is your business. This trend of true confessions is sometimes ill advised. People have a right to privacy when it has no impact on the partner whatsoever.

I am now 8 months in a relationship with the greatest person I have ever met.He knows everything about me so far, except the abortions.

[Illinoiskid18]

Let him know about them. Seriously. It's already been 8 months

[Illinoiskid18]

You were not with him during this time and your sexual history is your business. This trend of true confessions is sometimes ill advised. People have a right to privacy when it has no impact on the partner whatsoever.

 

This is not just "sexual history." It's about abortions..... She could have already had two kids. This is something she should share with her partner

[Hollyj]

This is not just "sexual history." It's about abortions..... She could have already had two kids. This is something she should share with her partner

 

And there shouldn't be shame.

[Illinoiskid18]

And there shouldn't be shame.

There shouldn't be shame I agree. This is still something that should be told to one's partner though, it's too big of a thing

[j.man]

While I agree it's technically none of his business, this isn't something you want leaking later into the relationship only for it to be a deal breaker for him. If you were the only one with knowledge of it, it'd be another story. I think you made a responsible decision both times, so believe me, I'm not judging. But it's better to find out sooner than later whether your current boyfriend would be the type to judge adversely.

[Kaileen]

Alright, wow.. I really appreciate ALL the feedback. This is my first time posting on this site (any site at that) and I really think this was a huge help! Thanks all of you, even if the opinions were all different. I needed that.

[Enn]

There shouldn't be shame I agree. This is still something that should be told to one's partner though, it's too big of a thing

 

It's only too big of a thing if she feels it's too big of a thing.

[Illinoiskid18]

It's only too big of a thing if she feels it's too big of a thing.

 

A relationship is mutual... Also this is something that could effect her partner if he had the knowledge.

[greta96]

Why on earth would anyone judge you? A child is a huge responsibility, and it's not like you can return it if the going gets tough. You felt you were nowhere near ready to be a mother and didn't have the means to care for a child as it should be cared for, so you did the best thing you could have done, given the situation. Anyone who judges you is absolutely not worth paying attention to!

I'm not sure whether I would tell my partner about it, for the simple fact that I don't see why he would need to know. Unless the abortions affected your ability to have kids, which doesn't sound like it's the case here, I don't see why you should bring it up. By the same token, bringing it up shouldn't change anything between you two, because what happened then has zero impact on your lives now. Unless he is one of those fierce believers in that nonsense that "abortion is the worst sin ever" and the likes, he shouldn't care one way or another.

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you want to tell him, tell him. If not, don't.

[ThatwasThen]

^ Agree!

 

Personally, I don't think it's any of his business. The only reason he would ever find out is if you tried to have his baby and you couldn't have anymore due to the abortions... which is probably a good reason why you should tell him just in case that sad thought comes to be.

 

As far as I'm concerned there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did except for the fact you didn't get yourself the morning after pill so that the little swimmers couldn't latch on. Did they even have the morning after pill then?

 

I will give you some unsolicited advise though.... Please don't get pregnant again until you've both discussed it, you've been at least living together or married for a few years and its a mutually anticipated event.

 

Good luck... if you tell him, let us know how he reacts to the news.

[Billie28]

Hi,

 

I think you should tell him. Not because he needs it deserve to know but because it will help you in your own self healing. You have come to realise and accept that your decisions were right for you at the time, however I think the guilt of holding it secret is eating away at you.

 

But, bear in mind that it is a topic that is very controversial and his views may strongly oppose yours.

Or he could be very understanding.

 

It could make or break the relationship.

 

Be prepared for both outcomes.

[Seraphim]

I think it will only matter if it affects your life with him specifically.

[appies]

I have been in your boyfriend's situation. My current girlfriend chose to not keep a child in her previous relationship. Although I can't tell you how your boyfriend will react, I think most people understand that its not an easy choice, and not to judge. I was a bit surprised, but when I was given the information it didn't change how I felt.

 

I think you will feel a huge weight lifted once you tell him.

[sexypink]

I had one, and I'm glad I told my husband. It all came up when I was getting care for our babies together. Drs do need to know for future pregnancies. If you're not comfortable telling him, he shouldn't be present if you guys have a baby together for the history exam and the records after the baby's birth.

 

As for guilt, that's totally up to you on how to handle it. For me, I believe in God, so it's just between he and I. He forgave me...I know he did, but I believe I will still someday be able to raise the child in heaven. Just my thing.

 

Your thing is totally private between you and your beliefs ❤️❤️❤️

[Itchy]

I don't think having an abortion is wrong, I believe in the right of the individual to make their own decisions. I do think people would be far happier if they left the past in the past and stopped dragging it up and making it as important as the present. Would I want to know about a woman's past? No, I don't really care about my own past, never mind anyone else's, I don't even talk about my own past, it's buried in the archives of history and that's where it'll stay. If you feel like it's something which you need to discuss then by all means tell him, but if you don't feel like you need to tell him then I'd leave it in the past.

[pinkprincess]

I don't think having an abortion is wrong, I believe in the right of the individual to make their own decisions. I do think people would be far happier if they left the past in the past and stopped dragging it up and making it as important as the present. Would I want to know about a woman's past? No, I don't really care about my own past, never mind anyone else's, I don't even talk about my own past, it's buried in the archives of history and that's where it'll stay. If you feel like it's something which you need to discuss then by all means tell him, but if you don't feel like you need to tell him then I'd leave it in the past.

 

I think that she should only disclose if she feels that this may have an effect on her mental health in the future. For example if you were to get pregnant again it may bring up a series of emotions that you feel you had dealt with. Then her partner would have a greater understanding and would be in a more shied position to help her through that stage. If you truly feel

You have

Mentally recovered from this time in your life then I don't see what the need to share is. Either way this should have no effect on the way your partner feels towards you and if it does maybe you have not chose the right partner for you X

[john45]

the way you wrote, it sounds like you'd regret not telling him.

 

I'd suggest telling him - if he loves all of you, that includes things from your past, and that even if he might not totally accept the idea of abortions he can still fully accept you and the decisions you made. I'd hope he would respect you and the fact that you tried to do the best things overall at the time.

 

No-one is Mary-Poppins-perfect all the time! Good luck!

[Itchy]

I think that she should only disclose if she feels that this may have an effect on her mental health in the future. For example if you were to get pregnant again it may bring up a series of emotions that you feel you had dealt with. Then her partner would have a greater understanding and would be in a more shied position to help her through that stage. If you truly feel

You have

Mentally recovered from this time in your life then I don't see what the need to share is. Either way this should have no effect on the way your partner feels towards you and if it does maybe you have not chose the right partner for you X

 

I couldn't agree more with you, fantastic points raised.

[catfeeder]

I would not tell anyone, in the same manner I would not discuss any other aspect of my prior sexual history beyond a clean STD test. Period.