Am i unhappy or just settled?

[littleoldme]

Hi,

 

I have been with my partner for 9 years. We got together when i was only 18 with a big 30 year age gap. Yes i know most peoples opinions on that but we fell head over heels and have been extremely happy. Most of the time. The problem is i don't think i am any more. I had a mental breakdown last year which OH was wonderful through but now i don't seem to have the same love and faith in our relationship. I am finding issues with the tinest little things and feel like i'm constantly walking on eggshells. If i go out with girlfriends, which isn't often my plans have to stay exactly the same, cannot be late back, cannot change our minds and go somewhere else or he gets paranoid that i'm up to something. Once a week my best friend and i meet for a drink and a gossip, same day same place but i need to to be back at the same time for dinner, any later and there is a row but just sometimes with my girlfriends we lose track of time but there's hell to pay if we do!! When i do get back he asks me what we talked about, who we talked to etc and if i'm vague with my answers (we are girls and discuss girl things!!) then he gets suspicious and thinks i'm hiding something and being secretive. It's not though, sometimes what girls discuss is just between them!

 

My sister wants me and her kids to go on holiday and i want to go so badly but separate holidays are definitely not allowed! I broached the subject and he said no, once it's allowed once it'll be happening all the time. I had to go on a one night conference for work and he made me feel so massively guilty! I even had to face time him at bedtime and show him around the hotel room! Even after doing that, i got 20 questions when i got home the next day and he still didn't really believe me.

 

I am so frustrated with spending every evening just sitting watching telly. I know it's immature but i don't feel like i've ever been 'young' going out getting drunk, making stupid mistakes etc and i do feel slightly like i've missed out! I've been settled in a sort of marriage right from the beginning with him. I constantly feel like i'm a lying, cheating, sneaky person but i've done nothing to warrant it! I have had guys my age flirt with me and ask me out etc but i've always shot them down. I couldn't even tell my OH that someone had asked me out, he would go mental even though it's not my fault! On the flipside, he is the biggest flirt going and flirts constantly, even in front of me! Double standards lol. I love him, i really do but he's very possessive and if i leave him i know he'll do something stupid, he says he can't live without me. He tells me all the time that i haven't a clue how to survive without him because he does the money and rent and important stuff and i do think he's right! We have had a great life with amazing holidays and some fantastic memories so i don't think i'm actually unhappy, just a bit suffocated! I don't honestly know what i want anymore, i just want to live! To be able to do what i want without feeling guilty or having the obligatory argument!

 

To be fair, i do see his side of each argument. Because of the age gap he is so paranoid i'm going to leave him for someone my own age even though he is the one flirting with and being alone in houses with single women due to his job! I feel like an awful person for causing him the pain i do just because i'm being selfish and wanting to do stuff without him.

 

So i guess my question is, do you think i'm really unhappy or is this just life? Are we a married couple without the marriage?

[Batya33]

I think you need to look at what benefits you get from this arrangement so you can see why you're not motivated to leave. For example, do you benefit from the comfort and security? Do you see his controlling ways as kind of masculine (and was that a turn on for you at some point?). Take the "but I love him' out of the equation and consider -do you like him? Like hanging out with him?

 

Also why would you tell a partner that another man came on to you/asked you out? Why would that be information that you need to share -wouldn't that just needlessly hurt the other person since it wasn't your fault?

 

Again, look at how you benefit from this arrangement which if you are very honest with yourself will give you insight as to why you just don't leave.

 

I don't think what you describe is like a healthy marriage or relationship. I am almost 50, married, and our interaction/dynamic has nothing in common with what you describe. I do make a lot of sacrifices because I have a young child and a husband who frequently travels. I could get a sitter and go out if I wanted to but I think it's best for my child that I be there when my husband is away. I make those sacrifices joyfully and it is worth the benefits of having a marriage/child/family.

 

When I started dating my husband 10 years ago I was also dating a guy who was starting to act insecure/controlling. I ended that in 6 weeks after talking to him about it after 3 weeks. It did not feel "settled" just annoying and controlling. But, I felt independent and reasonably confident so that I didn't need to be controlled nor did I benefit from it. I share my story to see if that helps you get perspective.

[littleoldme]

Thanks for replying so quickly, if i'm honest the benefit is security. I have somewhere to live and a job but not much more beyond that. The controlling is not a turn on in any way shape or form, never has been but also hasn't been present throughout the relationship. It's only been like that for the last 4 or 5 years. I'm a horrible person because the honest answer to your question is that i prefer hanging out with my friends. I like him as a person but there's no excitement anymore. He can be a wonderful man!

The problem is i cannot leave, he is right that i probably can't cope on my own and i couldn't bear the guilt if he did something like he says he will because he says his life is pointless without me. I don't have children or anything to consider but i care too much about him to put my happiness first and ruin his life.

[greta96]

You are living in a virtual prison, with a man who is nearing 60, and who is bossing your around and controlling your every move, expecting you to live the life of a 60 year old while being still in your 20's. Of course you are not happy, not many people out there would be.

You two are at completely different stages in life, like, polar opposites. And not the kind of 'opposites' that are said to attract.

He has established himself as a father figure for you, and has drilled it in your mind that you can't "make it" without him just to keep you within the perimeters of his virtual prison. The truth is, you can and will make it, and your life will be eons better once you make the break. All the barriers you have in your mind right now are not real, they are just ideas that he has put in your head, to protect himself and his possession (you).

 

The first red flag was when a 48 year old hit on and started a relationship with an 18 year old. Of course there was no way you could have seen it as such at the time, but you're starting to see it now.

 

You say you have a job and a place to live, if you end this. So then, what's really stopping you? The mental blockage that he has instilled in you? Try to go beyond that, because there is no real danger in ending this unhealthy relationship. A 60 year old knows better than kill himself over the end of a relationship - and if he doesn't, then that right there should tell you something is really off about him. You can't stay at his beck and call forever (or until he passes of old age) just so he doesn't kill himself. Call someone in his family, or the cops, if he has noone, tell them he is suicidal and then take your belongings and go. That's all you can do for him. The rest is up to him, and none of your concern.

 

This man has been sucking the youth out of you. You only live once, you won't have a second chance at life, and you have wasted some of the best, most precious years on this individual. You are still young, so do what you need to do to break free and at least enjoy some of the youth you have left. Nobody is worth you not enjoying your own life and not doing the things you want to do. Besides, should you ever want a family, a child, he is not going to be able to give you one, or be there for you to see him/her mature.

 

You know what you have to do. Now all you need to do is silence the fears he has put in your mind, and tell yourself "I can do it". There's no reason why you can't succeed, and the freedom you'll feel afterwards, once you're on your own and able to do everything you want, whenever you want, will feel amazing. You really don't know what you're missing out of, because he never gave you the chance to live it. What a sick, selfish man!

[littleoldme]

What's stopping me is that i do love him still, he is a really lovely man underneath it all and when everything is going right. There was a bit more to us getting together, it wasn't a case of hitting on etc, we fell for each other over a few months. I can't honestly say i regret ever getting with him as we have made some amazing memories but i think you are right about us wanting different things now. I've changed as a person and he hasn't, what worked before doesn't work now.

I know pretty much everything you've said is 100% right though, it's making that final decision that i don't think i am strong enough to do.

[greta96]

What's stopping me is that i do love him still, he is a really lovely man underneath it all and when everything is going right. There was a bit more to us getting together, it wasn't a case of hitting on etc, we fell for each other over a few months. I can't honestly say i regret ever getting with him as we have made some amazing memories but i think you are right about us wanting different things now. I've changed as a person and he hasn't, what worked before doesn't work now.

I know pretty much everything you've said is 100% right though, it's making that final decision that i don't think i am strong enough to do.

 

Is there any way you can enlist the help of your parents, or a good friend? You will definitely need some support and help. Have you tried talking to your mom about what's going on? Would they be willing to help you?

[Batya33]

Thanks for replying so quickly, if i'm honest the benefit is security. I have somewhere to live and a job but not much more beyond that. The controlling is not a turn on in any way shape or form, never has been but also hasn't been present throughout the relationship. It's only been like that for the last 4 or 5 years. I'm a horrible person because the honest answer to your question is that i prefer hanging out with my friends. I like him as a person but there's no excitement anymore. He can be a wonderful man!

The problem is i cannot leave, he is right that i probably can't cope on my own and i couldn't bear the guilt if he did something like he says he will because he says his life is pointless without me. I don't have children or anything to consider but i care too much about him to put my happiness first and ruin his life.

 

Please don't use the excuse of caring too much about him. Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who is excited to be with him?

 

And yes, baby steps to living independently including job skills, education, etc. Maybe try volunteering in an environment you might be interested in working in. For example. Move out on your own ASAP and if you decide to date him, you still can if he wants to keep dating you.

 

Loving someone is separate from whether you are compatible in a long term relationship.

[Hermes]

LOM.

 

"The problem is i cannot leave, he is right that i probably can't cope on my own and i couldn't bear the guilt if he did something like he says he will because he says his life is pointless without me. I don't have children or anything to consider but i care too much about him to put my happiness first and ruin his life."

 

Re-read that! This man sure has done a good brainwashing number on you.

 

Your happiness IS first, or more accurately your sanity and well-being come first in this case.

 

There can be nothing worse IMO than living in this prison, under the authority of an ultra-controlling warden. That's what it is.

 

He will survive without you, and you without him.

[Clio]

Hi,

 

We got together when i was only 18 with a big 30 year age gap.

 

feel like i'm constantly walking on eggshells.

 

cannot be late back, cannot change our minds and go somewhere else or he gets paranoid that i'm up to something.

 

i need to to be back at the same time for dinner, any later and there is a row but just sometimes with my girlfriends we lose track of time but there's hell to pay if we do!!

 

I had to go on a one night conference for work and he made me feel so massively guilty!

 

On the flipside, he is the biggest flirt going and flirts constantly, even in front of me!

 

He tells me all the time that i haven't a clue how to survive without him because he does the money and rent and important stuff

 

So i guess my question is, do you think i'm really unhappy or is this just life? Are we a married couple without the marriage?

 

 

No, this is not "just life". And this is definitely NOT what a happy relationship looks like. He is insecure and controlling to the point of emotionally abusing and blackmailing you. He took advantage of your immaturity back when you were 18 and now you are both paying the price. He sure put his happiness first all this time... You are seriously going to regret it if you don't break up this little "arrangement" you two have. He takes care of you (the money and rent and important stuff ) and you get to avoid being an adult for the time being. That's akin to grooming you to stay dependent on him for the rest of your life. Well guess what! There is a price to pay for you too in a few years time. Wasted years. No marriage. No kids. And the very real possibility of becoming a caretaker/nurse from the prime age of forty onward.

 

Don't worry about him. He knows full well how to protect his interests... Why do you think that he hasn't married you all this time?? If he really loved you, you would be married with children by now. You were and are a submissive trophy. And a handy caretaker/nurse in a few years time... If you are happy to spend your forties, fifties, sixties being a nurse to a controlling old man, by all means proceed...

[melancholy123]

You have a father/daughter relationship with this man and it's unhealthy. I doubt you really "love" him as you've never been thru the typical young person's journey of having different relationships, seeing what works and what doesnt. I think he's a control freak because you are young and he isn't and he's afraid you will leave him for someone else.

 

So what if he gives you a home? It's a virtual prison and you aren't happy. Who would be? I honestly think you need to break away from him and live your life on your own terms. If he threatens to harm himself if you leave, that's his BS way of keeping you stuck to him. Play on your fears. It's all crap. Time to move on.

[Lucia Amman]

I was 19 and my ex was 21 years older. We stayed together for eight years and then I ended it. I've had some bad years (depression) while we were together. But I learned how to be happy again. After I finally was really happy with myself and who I became I realized my SO wasn't compatible anymore with me. The age gap surely was one thing that stood in the way to be honest. I've always loved older men and admired them. I loved my ex for being older and much more mature than most guys from my age. But guess what? We turn older too. The men I adored back then (and now) are practically my age now. Breaking up with my ex was very difficult, I still loved him on some levels. I adored him for coping with my drama, taking care of me etc. and sure our relationship wasn't all that bad either. But you need to be honest at one point, do you really love each other still or is it convenience?

 

I broke up with my ex because I still loved him. But I realized it wasn't enough for having a healthy relationship. My ex even said he understood why I wanted to break up but that once I turned older I would understand why our relationship was great. What I asked from me was setting aside my life to experience because he already had experienced it and had that advantage in wisdom. I knew on the other hand that it wasn't fair towards me and wasn't fair towards him either to stay in a loveless relationship. Our love wasn't enough anymore. We're having so many fights and didn't enjoy doing stuff with each other anymore. For example, even our vacations where a big reflections of our age/experience gap. He already had seen some countries and I hadn't. I really wanted to go to Norway (I live in the Netherlands) and he refused to go because he already had seen it. Going alone wasn't an option back then. Anyways it was a very clear sign on how he was holding me back in so many aspects in my young life. It was completely frustrating. Even our music taste weren't in sync leading to never playing some music in our household when we both were at home.

 

I know it seems all little events, but I can honestly say I felt so relieved once I pulled the plug. I'm so much more happier without him. He held me down and little just to fit in this life of a 50 year old. I think your SO is doing the same. It isn't out of bad will. It's just how life is.

 

I'm now happily together with a guy who is only three years older than me and we have so much more in common. And yes, not everything is about age. I realize that very well. But it is only in hindsight that we can clearly see how things were holding us back. The life phase of a 30 year old is just very different than from someone in their 50's or 60's even if you desperately are trying to stay young... You've experienced other things, another age of when you formed most of your ideas and morals (normally during your teenage years) and then more. My boyfriend who grew up with the same discussions and dramas in the news has a very different outlook on feminism and equal rights than my ex has for example.

 

Anyways. I think you get the point. I'm not saying that such an age gap will always be a bad idea. But it does comes with its own set of challenges.

[Iggy5129]

The problem is i cannot leave, he is right that i probably can't cope on my own and i couldn't bear the guilt if he did something like he says he will because he says his life is pointless without me. I don't have children or anything to consider but i care too much about him to put my happiness first and ruin his life.

 

This is called VERBAL ABUSE. He is controlling and abusive. You're an adult woman who seems pretty intelligent. I think you can figure out how to pay bills and get your own food. Do you work? Have you gone to college? If you can work and go to college you can figure out how to send a check to your landlord and go online to pay a bill (you're online here trying to figure out what to do so i see you are perfectly able to operate a computer). Do you really believe this man that you are incapable of something so simple?? Do you see how silly that is??

 

He is very controlling and verbally abuses you. On top of that you don't even enjoy his company. Leave him and whatever he chooses to do after that is HIS decision. You do not make him hurt himself if you leave. He chooses to do that. Is his happiness really more important than yours?

 

It sounds like you got into this relationship when you were young and naive. You've grown up and realized this isn't the relationship for you.

[Cope]

Hi,

...have been extremely happy...i don't think i am any more.

I had a mental breakdown

I am finding issues

i'm constantly walking on eggshells.

my plans have to stay exactly the same, cannot be late back, cannot change our minds and go somewhere else or he gets paranoid that i'm up to something.

i need to to be back at the same time for dinner

there's hell to pay if we do!!

 

i want to go so badly but separate holidays are definitely not allowed!

he made me feel so massively guilty!

he still didn't really believe me.

 

I am so frustrated

i do feel slightly like i've missed out!

I've been settled

I constantly feel like i'm a lying, cheating, sneaky person

i just want to live! To be able to do what i want without feeling guilty

You are not happy.

[Wiseman2]

Since you want to stay together just address this aspect. Reassure him and then explain that you need a balance of being with him and seeing friends, family,etc. Do you work?

a bit suffocated!