Is there any hope for us?

[ChevyGal00]

My boyfriend and I usually get along great. We have the same interests and can talk about anything for hours. This past Wednesday we got into a fight. He was a cosigner for his ex's car. Turns out she doesn't want it anymore, and now he's getting it back. Which means he has another payment. Along with all these "toys" he buys. I want a future with this man--marriage and kids. But, I don't want to be the only one who pays for everything. I don't want him to think he can just buy all these "toys" and not contribute. He told me he doesn't know if we will even work out in the future and that he is sick of me insulting him and getting mad over things all the time. This made me upset and angry, therefore, I dropped off the promise ring he gave me at his apartment with a note saying I can't be the only one contributing towards a future. He saw it after work and told me I basically just ended it by doing that. We have been texting here and there. But I can tell he's still mad at me. I sent him a long text telling him I didn't want this to end and I didn't wanna lose him. He said he's obviously not gone if he's still texting me. Yesterday during the day he asked if I could give him some space to think. I agreed and asked if I could sit down and talk to him. He agreed and we are meeting up tomorrow. Last night he called me by my nickname--out of habit maybe? Or maybe he's missing me? We talked a little and I fell asleep on him. I woke up and texted him telling him I'll leave him be and I'll see him tomorrow. Never responded to that text. I noticed on Facebook, our profiles are still in a relationship. I know he's been on because he's been posting stuff. I asked him the other day why we are still in a relationship on fb, and he stayed quiet and never responded back to it. So, do you think there is any hope? Or have I lost him for good? Any responses are welcome. Thanks! And sorry for the long post. Gee...haha.

[Wiseman2]

Hard to tell if's just a huge fight or you are getting into break-up/make-up style drama. Dropping off the ring with the note sounds quite drastic. See how your meet up goes and if this blows over and you two can talk about your reactions. Until you are married how he spends his money is his business, however if his financial style is reckless to you ...it's something to consider.

He told me he doesn't know if we will even work out in the future and that he is sick of me insulting him and getting mad over things all the time. I texted him telling him I'll leave him be

[SooSad33]

If you two are going to meet up & talk.

 

Maybe something you can discuss is better communication and to consider your 'future'.

Instead of getting angry at him.. he NEEDS to understand what is bothering you. Int his case it's the needles spending on toys? As you call it.

 

So.. he can re-think this spending and look at saving some for a future.. if he wants you in it!

And... for you to drop all & walk away is NOT showing much interest in wanting to 'work this out'.

 

If you're going to act out this way.. is this what YOU want? You want it over now?

If you do.. then stop this break up make up stuff. Both of you maybe need to learn how to sit down and 'communicate' more.. do you agree?

[ChevyGal00]

I understand your point about the whole marriage thing..it just scares me if he's doing this now, what will change in the future?

[ChevyGal00]

And SooSad33, I would love to work it out with him. That's the reason why I brought up the sitting down and talking.

[shessofly]

Sitting down and talking should come before dropping off rings with notes. How did you expect him to react to that move? Consider that maybe there is some truth in his statement (that you insult him and get angry "all the time"). At the very least, even if you can't see it, this is how your behavior/conversation makes him feel. A smart man would not sign up for a lifetime of that.

 

If the car is in his name what choice does he have? Leave the fate of his credit in her hands? I think a rational chat about what to do with the car would be the start rather than blowing up into an argument about how he spends his money. Have you already had a discussion about where the relationship is going or are you just assuming he wants the same things you do? How long have you been together? Are you living together and he is he not pulling his weight? Is he struggling to pay his own bills?

 

"He told me he doesn't know if we will even work out in the future" - it seems he has already been thinking and maybe is not as invested in the relationship as you are?

 

Your comment "it just scares me if he's doing this now, what will change in the future?" He may very well be thinking the same thing about your insults and temper.

 

I would give him some time to clear his head like he asked. My advice: Next time you do speak apologize for being extra (if you haven't done so already) and then work on communicating in a way that is not insulting/demeaning/belittling to him. You may also want to make sure you two are on the same page in terms of where the relationship is going. You want marriage and a future with him. He may not feel the same. If he does feel the same, you have valid concerns, but I must say it sounds like his concerns are valid too. I know I wouldn't want to be around someone who was overly dramatic, temperamental and critical...keep that in mind. Hopefully he will reach out soon and you can come to some sort of conclusion on the matter.

[catfeeder]

To avoid money issues, couples should set up 3 accounts: His, Her and Ours.

 

The Ours account needs input from both of you based on percentage of your salaries and should be budgeted for all shared expenses and investments.

 

Once each contributes their share to the Ours account each month, any leftover money goes into your own accounts to spend or save as you wish.

 

This avoids policing one another on spending, because as long as the Ours account obligation is met every month, whatever else gets spent from your own money isn't an issue.

 

Unless you do this and quit bailing out his extra spending, you'll continue to resent him for spending, and he'll continue to resent you for nagging.

[Hermes]

Yes, and yes again, Cat!

 

"To avoid money issues, couples should set up 3 accounts: His, Her and Ours."

[Sportster2005]

I would bet against you two ever having a fulfilling mature adult long term relationship.

 

I think there is no hope at all. You would rather text and get clues about the relationship through Facebook, than have mature face to face discussions. Neither of you have developed the necessary conflict resolution and communication skills necessary for a healthy relationship.