Being Treated as an Option...?

[Ccottom]

It has been an on and off relationship for 8 months now. On and off because she will see something she deems as "suspicious". Fabricate a whole scenario in her head that involves me cheating and wanting other girls. I.e. going for a Christmas meal with 8 friends and 1 of their girlfriends equals i am clearly going out clubbing with all these girls.

 

Anyway, her trust in me has been shattered and she is just waiting for me to 'be unloyal again', it was shattered from the time that i text a girl asking where everyone was, that when interrogated i said it was a friends gf and i was asking where all my friends were. When in fact it was a girl my friend was dating for the past 4 months and i was asking where all my friends were because they had no mobile signal. Those kind of lies, saying it is a gf when it is just someone theyre dating is unforgivable see. With that she told everyone who would listen, family, friends, colleagues that i was in clubs texting loads of girls asking where they were so i could get with them.

 

 

But back to this situation. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me because of all the unloyal things i done in the past. Such as when i was caught liking a girls photo on facebook before i had ever even heard of my gf. Or getting with a girl in a club when i was 18 (7 years ago) and she put bikini photos on facebook that i clearly looked at. Or liking a post about the opening of a club night back home where all my friends went to because a girl i know went too, which is clearly me trying to beg for her attention.

 

She asked me what i wanted. I told her straight up that i want to be with her. She told me that she doesn't know what she wants. So as i pointed out to her, She has two options, me or not me, and she has to make a choice about me, a decision. That would make me just an option to her, one of many options. A decision like choosing a supermarket. The fact that she doesnt know what she wants, shows i am replaceable by the option of no me. She said that i am "her soulmate" but she doesnt know if she wants me. I told her that a soulmate is somebody that you want to be with no matter what, that you wouldnt need to make a decision on because you know that they are your one and the option is them, them and them. If she thought i was a soulmate she wouldnt hesitate.

 

She asked what i wanted and i told her straight, her. Why should i stand in a queue patiently for her to decide if she wants me or not? Why should i spend my life knowing that i jumped at a choice for her and she hesitated because to her i was nothing but an option. I told her that i deserve to be with a girl that will treat me as a priority and want nothing more than to be with me and would give anything to be with me.

 

Well, me telling her that has lead to a full blown argument where i have told her that i want every and any other girl out there and in 2 weeks i will be with the next girl and that shows how much i dont care about her so why should she care about me when i want someone else and i see her as so replaceable. I clearly never cared or wanted her if she is so replaceable. What? Reaplaceable by the girl that actually would give anything to be with me as opposed to a girl that sees me as an option?

 

So now i am sat here defending myself while she attacks me and twists it onto me, i feel like i have done something horrible and are trying to comfort her feelings.

 

Who is in the wrong, me or her?

[Ccottom]

The message that i sent to her:

 

"Let me break this whole situation down for you because you seem to have such a massive issue unerstanding from any point other than you being right.

 

You asked me what i wanted, repeatedly i told you that i wanted you. There was no other choice to make, there was you, you and you. That is called somebody being a priority.

 

When it came to what you wanted you hesitated, for weeks, you have kept me at arms length saying you dont know what you want.

 

There is a choice you are making right now, if you want me or not. The fact you dont know shows that i am not first choice.

 

You have placed me as nothing but an option that you have to decide between. The fact there are other options shows that i am replaceable to you.

 

Why would i spend my life with somebody that i saw no other options with, i just wanted them while knowing that they wanted other things and decided between me or them?

 

You have shown me that i am replaceable to you, i am an option to you, and i am no more disposable to you as a choice between chicken or salad for tea tonight. After i jumped at the chance to tell you i wanted you.

 

Last time i dropped you aswell, it was due to the choice you made, you made it into an option of me or not me and you chose not me. If i am just an option to you then i make your decision easier and remove myself from the equation because i deserve to be a priority.

 

That does not mean that i am going to run into the arms of another girl, that doesnt mean i want anybody else. That means that what i deserve is to be treated as more than an option and i would rather be alone than be an option.

 

You claim that i am a soulmate, the one. That is a lie. Because if i was that then you would not put me in the position of being an option, you would have jumped at the chance of being with me and not made your "soulmate" an option."

 

Her reply:

 

" I read it thanks you dont need to harass me with your wrong opinions. Why its gone on so long i have no idea.

Lifes too short to cry over boys who don't care.

You have yet again shown that you dont care and i cant be bothered to agnoise over someone who doesnt give a anymore.

You saw me as a fleeting phase so now that phase is over."

[Krankor]

You're both in the wrong.

 

She's wrong for being possessive and controlling and being hot and cold with you, and you're wrong for putting up with it. How long are you going to let her treat you this way? How long are you going to stand there hoping she'll choose to be with you after she leaves you and justifies her choice with some wild accusation that has no basis in reality? Do you really want to spend your life not even able to acknowledge the existence of another female for fear that she'll leave you again? Do you want to spend your life jumping through hoops and bending over backwards to "prove" that you want to be with her?

 

This woman has problems that you can't help her with. Trust me, nothing you can say or do will be good enough for her. She also has seen that she can kick you around and that you'll keep coming back for more like some little lovesick puppy. She doesn't respect you anymore, but that's fine. Stop caring what she thinks, respect yourself, and kick her to the curb.

[Ccottom]

Thankyou, at least i know that i am not wrong about the situation and like i have felt for a long time, i was wrong to let her treat me like this. The lack of respect she shows me, the way she talks to me, the way she will accuse me and fabricate stories and demand that i apologise and manipulate me into feeling bad is so disrespectful and when i tell her the way she behaved is awful she will twist it and make me apologise.

 

The only thing i have the issue with though is her walking away right now thinking that i am in the wrong and she was right all along. And that is what makes it hard for me, because i want to prove her wrong that i was the one that cared and she was awful. But i have walked away and she convinced herself i was an awful person and that she is better off without me.

[Silverbirch]

She's already shown you a lot of times that only her opinion is of value. She will drive you crazy and destroy your self-esteem I. Time. Please don't go back to her.

[Krankor]

Thankyou, at least i know that i am not wrong about the situation and like i have felt for a long time, i was wrong to let her treat me like this. The lack of respect she shows me, the way she talks to me, the way she will accuse me and fabricate stories and demand that i apologise and manipulate me into feeling bad is so disrespectful and when i tell her the way she behaved is awful she will twist it and make me apologise.

 

The only thing i have the issue with though is her walking away right now thinking that i am in the wrong and she was right all along. And that is what makes it hard for me, because i want to prove her wrong that i was the one that cared and she was awful. But i have walked away and she convinced herself i was an awful person and that she is better off without me.

 

I have an ex a lot like her. I know what you mean; it's tough when someone has been so unreasonable because you really want her to at least see your side of things. But that's just not going to happen, so you're best option is to just let it go and let her keep being miserable thinking she's right about everything. Once you don't have to deal with her anymore it won't be such a big deal.

[The Red Ocelot]

"It has been an on and off relationship for 8 months now. On and off because she will see something she deems as "suspicious". Fabricate a whole scenario in her head that involves me cheating and wanting other girls. I.e. going for a Christmas meal with 8 friends and 1 of their girlfriends equals i am clearly going out clubbing with all these girls." At this point you can wright her off. It seams that she is ether very insecure about herself because of things happening to her in the past. she would have massive trust issues. if that is the case, she should talk to someone (like me) who may be able to help her deal with them. on the other hand, she may just be looking for an excuse to get rid of you. You should not have done that thing in the end, "i have told her that i want every and any other girl out there and in 2 weeks i will be with the next girl and that shows how much i dont care about her so why should she care about me when i want someone else and i see her as so replaceable. I clearly never cared or wanted her if she is so replaceable." This would just escalate her insecurity and give her more resons to attack you. I would recomend taking a break from the relationship. if she does want you, maybe i can help with why she is acting the way she is. if she goes and gets another date within a few weeks, well there is your answer. know that if you do choose that you want to give her a chance if she gets over the insecurity issues, it may be a while. if you find that you do not want to keep waiting, that is reasonable but let her know that.

 

Also, you should not care about how she thinks about you. in any case, she would have come up with something bad to tell herself and her friends. its not like she hasent before. you have better things to do then try to prove a point to some one who wont listen and wont understand. and in this case probably doesnt want to understand

[Ms Darcy]

You're both in the wrong.

 

She's wrong for being possessive and controlling and being hot and cold with you, and you're wrong for putting up with it. How long are you going to let her treat you this way?

 

I think this is perfect. A different day a different thread on the same subject.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sound like you are exclusive or in a stable relationship. You treat her as "an option" and she does the same.

She doesn't know if she wants to be with me because of all the unloyal things i done in the past.

[bulletproof]

Please get yourself some help. Your insistence on continuing this relationship is really troubling.

Every thread ends with, "Who is wrong?" Why is it so important to you to stay in something dysfunctional but be "right"?

[greta96]

Why do you keep posting the same thing over and over again, when you have no intention of listening to any of the advice you have been getting? You've been told a thousand times that the woman is crazy and you need to forget about her, and yet every week you come back with more of the same.

[boltnrun]

The OP posts the Drama of the Week, then doesn't return to the thread. He just posts a new Drama of the Week the following week.

 

I think we have another attention-seeker.

 

But hey, being with that woman would make almost anyone want to engage with sane people once in a while.

[ThatwasThen]

She asked me what i wanted. I told her straight up that i want to be with her.

Can I ask you why that is? She is insanely jealous or more accurately just insane.

 

I wouldn't doubt if your friends are starting to hide on you so that they don't have to see her or hear you complain about her yet do nothing to get yourself unattached to her.

 

So: Why DO you stay with someone who is clearly abusing you. Please don't say because you love her because Love is never enough to keep us happy within a relationship. Keep in mind, before you answer, that we tend to attract people that are slightly above or slightly below our own mental health. Which level are you at?

 

I don't think you are a troll, I just think you have your own set of issues and you are only slightly above her level of mental healthiness. Google codependency and educate yourself. This isn't a relationship based on love but rather dysfunctional addiction to the status quo.

[notalady]

Thankyou, at least i know that i am not wrong about the situation and like i have felt for a long time, i was wrong to let her treat me like this. The lack of respect she shows me, the way she talks to me, the way she will accuse me and fabricate stories and demand that i apologise and manipulate me into feeling bad is so disrespectful and when i tell her the way she behaved is awful she will twist it and make me apologise.

 

The only thing i have the issue with though is her walking away right now thinking that i am in the wrong and she was right all along. And that is what makes it hard for me, because i want to prove her wrong that i was the one that cared and she was awful. But i have walked away and she convinced herself i was an awful person and that she is better off without me.

 

Looks like the entire purpose of this thread is OP wants to prove he's right and she's wrong then continue happily being in a miserable relationship. Everyone says his gf is awful. Mission accomplished.

[FlashEng1]

Thankyou, at least i know that i am not wrong about the situation and like i have felt for a long time, i was wrong to let her treat me like this. The lack of respect she shows me, the way she talks to me, the way she will accuse me and fabricate stories and demand that i apologise and manipulate me into feeling bad is so disrespectful and when i tell her the way she behaved is awful she will twist it and make me apologise.

 

The only thing i have the issue with though is her walking away right now thinking that i am in the wrong and she was right all along. And that is what makes it hard for me, because i want to prove her wrong that i was the one that cared and she was awful. But i have walked away and she convinced herself i was an awful person and that she is better off without me.

 

Hmm, yes. Assuming you aren't trolling us, and genuinely want the advice, you're still wrong on two additional fronts, aside for being wrong for staying in the relationship.

 

You're wrong to give her the option, and then throw a fit when she either a- doesn't choose the option you wanted her to choose, or b- takes her time even choosing an option... Newsflash, people *always* have an option. Even when married that option is called Divorce. So find a way to get over yourself real fast in thinking that just because someone says you're their soulmate, that they won't have normal human emotions or situations come into their lives that challenges your relationship. It happens.

 

You're also wrong to sit here and continue manipulating her as well... You guys are both manipulative. You are trying your absolute hardest to get her to see your point of view and agree it's right. She doesn't have to! And when that happens, agree to disagree and move on. As well, let her walk away already! And let her believe whatever she wishes. If she believes you're the worse, most manipulative man in your city, let her!! Anyone she comes across with that story will only believe her to be the crazy one if they know you and know you're far from whatever fabrication she's making up. Continue to allow your actions speak for itself.

 

What you have an issue with is far on the emotional side of things, and quite frankly must be handled by you, and you alone (perhaps with the assistance of a counselor/therapist). Let her think WHATEVER. Your entire relationship seems to be off of her losing trust in you (no matter the cause, real or not), and you now having to constantly prove yourself again. Prove yourself to yourself and walk out of this relationship. The sooner you get away from such an annoying headache of a situation, the sooner you will thank yourself when you do run into your real soulmate, because it's not her.

[Ccottom]

I have stayed with this girl for a couple of reasons

 

- Maintain the status quo, with my work I have no set abode. I go all over the country and live in work, never long enough to settle down and make friends, go out or meet new girls. All my friends are 200 miles away, so meeting a girl through them results in a girl 200 miles away.

 

- Every argument always ends with me having to bite the bullet and apologise because she has manipulated it enough to make me feel like i am the one in the wrong. Often i feel in the wrong because i brought up something that upset me that led to the argument.

 

- Because we live so close, she travels as well, we have plans for every weekend. If we don't go forward with those plans then I am stuck sitting on my own in my work room (no internet, phone or TV), and i have that every day at work anyway (only computer access in the office).

 

- I am a major dreamer of what ifs. What if we did sort it out, what if she did settle down, what if i am what she wanted.

 

- I also have a big fear about "what if i dont find somebody good". As i get older, all my friends are settling down long term, all the girls that are still single are either too young, or have been around with a lot of guys. I don't like that. And drug use which is a major thing for me (seeing so many friends pass). It is like the given thing now, for everybody to be on coke or e or mdma now. I cant recall speaking to anybody who doesnt get involved in it and I worry that i will never find someone in the future that isnt a drug addict etc, even trying it in the past once is a major put off for me.

[FlashEng1]

I have stayed with this girl for a couple of reasons

 

- Maintain the status quo, with my work I have no set abode. I go all over the country and live in work, never long enough to settle down and make friends, go out or meet new girls. All my friends are 200 miles away, so meeting a girl through them results in a girl 200 miles away.

 

- Every argument always ends with me having to bite the bullet and apologise because she has manipulated it enough to make me feel like i am the one in the wrong. Often i feel in the wrong because i brought up something that upset me that led to the argument.

 

- Because we live so close, she travels as well, we have plans for every weekend. If we don't go forward with those plans then I am stuck sitting on my own in my work room (no internet, phone or TV), and i have that every day at work anyway (only computer access in the office).

 

- I am a major dreamer of what ifs. What if we did sort it out, what if she did settle down, what if i am what she wanted.

 

- I also have a big fear about "what if i dont find somebody good". As i get older, all my friends are settling down long term, all the girls that are still single are either too young, or have been around with a lot of guys. I don't like that. And drug use which is a major thing for me (seeing so many friends pass). It is like the given thing now, for everybody to be on coke or e or mdma now. I cant recall speaking to anybody who doesnt get involved in it and I worry that i will never find someone in the future that isnt a drug addict etc, even trying it in the past once is a major put off for me.

 

Wow... for someone who travels all over Europe you fear that you won't find a woman who could give everything you'd want and imagine in a relationship? There's over 750 million people in Europe alone, and you're also afraid you're going to meet someone who has either slept around a lot, or is a borderline drug addict?

 

That's some pretty wild thinking there. As a major dreamer of what ifs, what if you find someone you actually love? All of the reasons listed, though we can be with anyone we want for whatever reason, are very superficial. None of which are built off of any foundation of "I love her for this" or "We've been together through that." Or "She supports me in my..." Rather; to maintain the status quo, she manipulated you into staying, the convenience of having a travel partner, "what if" she does really like you (shocked right now), and all the good girls are either too young, too promiscuous, or too caught up in drugs..

 

Yeah, you're trolling us :surprise: ...... right?

[bulletproof]

The time you spend with her and the time you spend analyzing her could easily be used to meet someone else. Everything you listed is an excuse. Plenty of people travel for their jobs and don't stay in unhealthy situations. You don't have to stay in your work room, you are likely welcome to leave it at any time.

[boltnrun]

I'm kind of beginning to understand her point of view a little bit.

 

Maybe she's figured out you're only with her because you can't find anyone else.

 

Maybe she's figured out that you don't love her, you're just using her so you don't have to be "alone".

[ThatwasThen]

I have stayed with this girl for a couple of reasons

 

- Maintain the status quo, with my work I have no set abode. I go all over the country and live in work, never long enough to settle down and make friends, go out or meet new girls. All my friends are 200 miles away, so meeting a girl through them results in a girl 200 miles away.

 

- Every argument always ends with me having to bite the bullet and apologise because she has manipulated it enough to make me feel like i am the one in the wrong. Often i feel in the wrong because i brought up something that upset me that led to the argument.

 

- Because we live so close, she travels as well, we have plans for every weekend. If we don't go forward with those plans then I am stuck sitting on my own in my work room (no internet, phone or TV), and i have that every day at work anyway (only computer access in the office).

 

- I am a major dreamer of what ifs. What if we did sort it out, what if she did settle down, what if i am what she wanted.

 

- I also have a big fear about "what if i dont find somebody good". As i get older, all my friends are settling down long term, all the girls that are still single are either too young, or have been around with a lot of guys. I don't like that. And drug use which is a major thing for me (seeing so many friends pass). It is like the given thing now, for everybody to be on coke or e or mdma now. I cant recall speaking to anybody who doesnt get involved in it and I worry that i will never find someone in the future that isnt a drug addict etc, even trying it in the past once is a major put off for me.

CCottom: Did you have a rough upbringing?

 

I really must advise you to get yourself to therapy with a good counselor who is familiar with codependency. I suggest you google the term and read everything you can about it if you don't know what it is that YOU suffer from.