Partner says they won't miss you while on trip, how bad is that?

[Mfic99]

Based on this, I hate to go down the middle but I think it's a combination of her being a bit blunt and you being a bit sensitive.

 

With the food--no, she didn't need to tell you it was overcooked. It was an unsolicited comment. She could have just smiled and said "thanks hon." But, then, she's not a dinner guest; she's your wife. You two should be past the cordial stage by now. I'm with Ms Darcy on this one; I don't think it was a big deal. It was just a comment about the food; not about your worth as a human being. But I wasn't there, so I didn't hear the tone in which she stated that.

 

I do believe that your wife probably says things that she really doesn't have to sometimes--your original concern about "I probably won't miss you" being a prime example. I don't know that she's intentionally trying to hurt your feelings so much as she just believes in being completely honest and if honesty ends up hurting your feelings, that's just an unfortunate side effect.

 

You have a wife who's a bit blunt, so it probably behooves you to work on getting a thicker skin and a sense of humor. If she says "The food is overcooked" come back with something like "Uh oh...you're right. Don't tell the people who award the Michelin stars or they may knock me down to three!" Or "Excuse me? This is called Cajun style--I'm trying out a new thing." Think light-hearted banter, not sarcasm. Learn to laugh her off. If she's not intentionally being mean--just honest--she'll probably appreciate your not taking everything so personally, and if she is intentionally taking little jabs at you'll, she'll see that she isn't getting to you. Either way, you'll feel better.

 

This is excellent advice!! I am going to do that. I am very witty, I used to do stand up and improv, that's the main thing she likes, so this will work great! Thank you

[Usa1ah]

Hey man, if your wife is always saying things to cuff you down then you have problems. If it just happens every now and then, ok go with it and joke around with it. Like someone else said, we are not there and do not hear the way or tone in which it is said.

 

Has this been the case your entire marriage or did the remarks start after her affair?

 

Also, have you checked phone records to see if she was talking to any of her friends during her trip with her mom?

 

Sorry, I would not blow off what was said before she left and when you called her. I know it would have crushed my wife if I had done that to her. If my wife had done this to me, I would have had her bags packed when she got back and said you needs to spend more time with your mom.

 

I don't see any excuse for what she said.

 

Later man.

[Mfic99]

Hey man, if your wife is always saying things to cuff you down then you have problems. If it just happens every now and then, ok go with it and joke around with it. Like someone else said, we are not there and do not hear the way or tone in which it is said.

 

Has this been the case your entire marriage or did the remarks start after her affair?

 

Also, have you checked phone records to see if she was talking to any of her friends during her trip with her mom?

 

Sorry, I would not blow off what was said before she left and when you called her. I know it would have crushed my wife if I had done that to her. If my wife had done this to me, I would have had her bags packed when she got back and said you needs to spend more time with your mom.

 

I don't see any excuse for what she said.

 

Later man.

 

She's been like that since day one. I have not checked her phone. I do not believe in violating her privacy. If she seems secretive that's one thing, but I do not see those signs. I recognize the difference. I believe in having privacy in a marriage but not secrecy so I won't look at her phone, just like I won't let her see mine.

[notalady]

Here's an example:

 

I made dinner tonight. I timed it for when she would be home and she was a few minutes late. Serving it up and she says, it's over cooked. I said well you don't have to point it out. She says I just wanted to let you know. I said well that's not something that really needs to be said. And the only difference is that you left out the you over cooked it. Same message.

 

This is a shining example

 

I laughed at this because it's something I would've said a few years back, as I'm quite blunt as well, and sometimes saying things without thinking twice. I get that what she said comes across as ungrateful and unappreciative.

 

Having dated a guy who was quite sensitive (easily offended), I became more aware of the impact of my words on people close to me. So I've learned to be more diplomatic, even with closed ones. Especially with closed ones.

 

So instead of "this is overcooked", I would've probably said nothing if it's a one off, or if it's a frequent occurrence, I would've said "honey I love your cooking, but do you mind just cooking it for a bit less next time? I like the meat a bit more tender."

 

But, she is who she is. Krankor's suggestions are great, I'd start doing that and grow thicker skin haha..

[Ms Darcy]

She's been like that since day one.

 

I think people need to remember she is who she is. Like Krankor said, the most you can do is reframe the way you receive the information. But you aren't going to change her or her bluntness.

 

And the biggest piece to remember. You chose her. You chose her as a date, girlfriend, wife, and you chose to stay after she cheated. So he is getting something out of this relationship that isn't expressed here or else he wouldn't have been with her for more than a decade.

 

It all comes back to the fact that you always have the option to be single. Especially since ya'll don't have kids. I'm not saying you should stay or go. I'm saying every time, every minute you are with this person as you remember that you choose to be with her then it can hopefully empower you.

[Hermes]

Krankor.

 

Being outspoken is one thing, being unkind entirely another.

 

One can "laugh off" one, two or three times, but when this is the "normal" communication method someone (in this case a spouse) uses.

 

It becomes VERY tiring having to field lightheartedly or otherwise remarks of this kind.

 

However, maybe that's just me. I wouldn't stand for that person more than a week at most! In a work situation or client situation you might have to put up with the person for half an hour or an hour, but ALL the time. I so dislike snotty people....

 

And, what is wrong with being cordial with one's spouse!!!

[Mfic99]

I think people need to remember she is who she is. Like Krankor said, the most you can do is reframe the way you receive the information. But you aren't going to change her or her bluntness.

 

And the biggest piece to remember. You chose her. You chose her as a date, girlfriend, wife, and you chose to stay after she cheated. So he is getting something out of this relationship that isn't expressed here or else he wouldn't have been with her for more than a decade.

 

It all comes back to the fact that you always have the option to be single. Especially since ya'll don't have kids. I'm not saying you should stay or go. I'm saying every time, every minute you are with this person as you remember that you choose to be with her then it can hopefully empower you.

 

Another good one to think about Darcy. What am I getting out of it?? I need to ask myself that. Never will be kids. I had a vestectomy day after honeymoon. And 13 years September.

[Mfic99]

I laughed at this because it's something I would've said a few years back, as I'm quite blunt as well, and sometimes saying things without thinking twice. I get that what she said comes across as ungrateful and unappreciative.

 

Having dated a guy who was quite sensitive (easily offended), I became more aware of the impact of my words on people close to me. So I've learned to be more diplomatic, even with closed ones. Especially with closed ones.

 

So instead of "this is overcooked", I would've probably said nothing if it's a one off, or if it's a frequent occurrence, I would've said "honey I love your cooking, but do you mind just cooking it for a bit less next time? I like the meat a bit more tender."

 

But, she is who she is. Krankor's suggestions are great, I'd start doing that and grow thicker skin haha..

 

I need to pay Krankor his fee. I used his Michelin stars last night. I went over great. She started joking back and we did that back and forth for a minute. I thought in my head, going that route took away any sting, and having a thicker skin is def helping. She looked at me before bed and said, hey I don't use the right terms, I come off harsh, I don't mean too, I appreciate you understanding that, like you did tonight, and if I really had something hurtful to say I would just say it. I said sometimes it's very hard to know the difference, she said I agree, I'll work on changing that, but just think of what it's about. She said I love your cooking, it's amazing so I was just letting you know it got overlooked, not meant as an insult. She said you may not have noticed, I said well I'm glad you did, I might have lost that greatest home chef magazine cover

[Ms Darcy]

I need to pay Krankor his fee. I used his Michelin stars last night. I went over great. She started joking back and we did that back and forth for a minute. I thought in my head, going that route took away any sting, and having a thicker skin is def helping. She looked at me before bed and said, hey I don't use the right terms, I come off harsh, I don't mean too, I appreciate you understanding that, like you did tonight, and if I really had something hurtful to say I would just say it. I said sometimes it's very hard to know the difference, she said I agree, I'll work on changing that, but just think of what it's about. She said I love your cooking, it's amazing so I was just letting you know it got overlooked, not meant as an insult. She said you may not have noticed, I said well I'm glad you did, I might have lost that greatest home chef magazine cover

 

My husband and I laugh all the time. Laughter is healing and happiness.

[Krankor]

Krankor.

 

Being outspoken is one thing, being unkind entirely another.

 

One can "laugh off" one, two or three times, but when this is the "normal" communication method someone (in this case a spouse) uses.

 

It becomes VERY tiring having to field lightheartedly or otherwise remarks of this kind.

 

However, maybe that's just me. I wouldn't stand for that person more than a week at most! In a work situation or client situation you might have to put up with the person for half an hour or an hour, but ALL the time. I so dislike snotty people....

 

And, what is wrong with being cordial with one's spouse!!!

 

Well, the dictionary defines "cordial" as "warm and friendly." In that regard, absolutely nothing is wrong with being cordial with one's spouse. However, I usually hear the word in regards to how one treats a stranger or a casual acquaintance in a polite manner, or how one acts with an ex who has shared custody of the kids. That's all I meant; probably not the best word choice on my part.

 

If OP were to ever decide "That's it. This woman has made one too many snide/unkind remarks to me. I'm out of here" then that would be his choice and probably a valid one. However, as Ms Darcy points out, OP is choosing to stay with this woman despite her bluntness. As such, he can handle her remarks in a number of ways. Take her remark about the food being overcooked, for instance:

 

"Please don't criticize my cooking. I did my best."

 

"Hey, don't like it? Cook your own damn meals then."

 

"Yeah, well, maybe if you could get home when you say you're going to I wouldn't have to hold your food in the oven for you."

 

"You're so ungrateful. What's wrong with you?"

 

"I cook better for women who don't cheat on me."

 

"I'm sorry honey. I'll try harder next time."

 

"What did you say, woman? You better watch your mouth."

 

All of those either make him look weak or supplicating, or make him the bad guy, or are argumentative and likely to start a fight. From the sound of things, he's tried the "I don't like what you just said" approach and it hasn't really worked. By deflecting her comments with humor, he's really actually teaching himself not to let her comments bother him. It's not just grinning and bearing it. I think she's just blunt by nature and doesn't really mean any harm--for the most part, anyway. However, it's possible that she is being snide and taking swipes on purpose and likes to "rattle his cage" as you put it. If that's true, then it's also a good way to show her that she isn't getting to him.

[Krankor]

I need to pay Krankor his fee. I used his Michelin stars last night. I went over great. She started joking back and we did that back and forth for a minute. I thought in my head, going that route took away any sting, and having a thicker skin is def helping. She looked at me before bed and said, hey I don't use the right terms, I come off harsh, I don't mean too, I appreciate you understanding that, like you did tonight, and if I really had something hurtful to say I would just say it. I said sometimes it's very hard to know the difference, she said I agree, I'll work on changing that, but just think of what it's about. She said I love your cooking, it's amazing so I was just letting you know it got overlooked, not meant as an insult. She said you may not have noticed, I said well I'm glad you did, I might have lost that greatest home chef magazine cover

 

Good, I'm really glad to hear that it worked for you. It will help your interactions and also help you to learn not to let her remarks bother you.

[Hermes]

OK Krankor.

 

I noted that he is staying with his spouse, "for better or for worse" as the saying goes. It is indeed up to him and depends on what is in it for him.

 

I like people to be straightforward. I don't like so-called "bluntness", which is merely a guise for "I don't care what I say, whether it hurts or not". . The OP's wife wouldn't last 10 minutes with me LOL.

But, she is not my wife, she is the OP's.......

[Wiseman2]

Agree..it seems the wife is a bull in a china shop...and he's the china

[Hermes]

Wiseman, you got the wrong gender of that animal LMAO

[Ms Darcy]

Wiseman, you got the wrong gender of that animal LMAO

 

You guys are hilarious!

[Ms Darcy]

Well, the dictionary defines "cordial" as "warm and friendly." In that regard, absolutely nothing is wrong with being cordial with one's spouse. However, I usually hear the word in regards to how one treats a stranger or a casual acquaintance in a polite manner, or how one acts with an ex who has shared custody of the kids. That's all I meant; probably not the best word choice on my part.

 

If OP were to ever decide "That's it. This woman has made one too many snide/unkind remarks to me. I'm out of here" then that would be his choice and probably a valid one. However, as Ms Darcy points out, OP is choosing to stay with this woman despite her bluntness. As such, he can handle her remarks in a number of ways. Take her remark about the food being overcooked, for instance:

 

"Please don't criticize my cooking. I did my best."

 

"Hey, don't like it? Cook your own damn meals then."

 

"Yeah, well, maybe if you could get home when you say you're going to I wouldn't have to hold your food in the oven for you."

 

"You're so ungrateful. What's wrong with you?"

 

"I cook better for women who don't cheat on me."

 

"I'm sorry honey. I'll try harder next time."

 

"What did you say, woman? You better watch your mouth."

 

All of those either make him look weak or supplicating, or make him the bad guy, or are argumentative and likely to start a fight. From the sound of things, he's tried the "I don't like what you just said" approach and it hasn't really worked. By deflecting her comments with humor, he's really actually teaching himself not to let her comments bother him. It's not just grinning and bearing it. I think she's just blunt by nature and doesn't really mean any harm--for the most part, anyway. However, it's possible that she is being snide and taking swipes on purpose and likes to "rattle his cage" as you put it. If that's true, then it's also a good way to show her that she isn't getting to him.

 

Lol - you are trying to get him in trouble.

 

I should say that when I overcooked something for my husband and he said that it was overcooked (before he stopped eating meat), I said: "Well, when I serve you your dog tomorrow night, I'll make sure the meat it tender." And we laughed about it.

 

You can bite back a little, but don't bring up the cheating! You'll be in big trouble!

[Mfic99]

Hermes and wiseman you two are funny lmao. I like all the points of view. From Hermes side to Krankor. It gives me perspective. But leads me to very good self reflections. Why do I stay? I know there is a more compatable person out there. Matter of fact a woman I work with has expressed that we would be perfect together and she is well aware of the issues with the wife. So I know I can find someone else. Why am I going thru this? I haven't found an answer for that. I guess I'm trying to understand her and thinking she'll compromise. I'm trying Kroncors method, if that doesn't work then I'll probably have to leave the marriage. At the same time I don't think building a tough skin will hurt if I do leave and find someone else. It can only help. I also have insecurities with her, that I know I won't have with someone new. So the choice of can I overcome this? Can she compromise? Are where I'm at now. Me trying to understand her through the advice of you guys is helping me greatly and I must break the current cycle I am in to grow.

[Mfic99]

Well, the dictionary defines "cordial" as "warm and friendly." In that regard, absolutely nothing is wrong with being cordial with one's spouse. However, I usually hear the word in regards to how one treats a stranger or a casual acquaintance in a polite manner, or how one acts with an ex who has shared custody of the kids. That's all I meant; probably not the best word choice on my part.

 

If OP were to ever decide "That's it. This woman has made one too many snide/unkind remarks to me. I'm out of here" then that would be his choice and probably a valid one. However, as Ms Darcy points out, OP is choosing to stay with this woman despite her bluntness. As such, he can handle her remarks in a number of ways. Take her remark about the food being overcooked, for instance:

 

"Please don't criticize my cooking. I did my best."

 

"Hey, don't like it? Cook your own damn meals then."

 

"Yeah, well, maybe if you could get home when you say you're going to I wouldn't have to hold your food in the oven for you."

 

"You're so ungrateful. What's wrong with you?"

 

"I cook better for women who don't cheat on me."

 

"I'm sorry honey. I'll try harder next time."

 

"What did you say, woman? You better watch your mouth."

 

All of those either make him look weak or supplicating, or make him the bad guy, or are argumentative and likely to start a fight. From the sound of things, he's tried the "I don't like what you just said" approach and it hasn't really worked. By deflecting her comments with humor, he's really actually teaching himself not to let her comments bother him. It's not just grinning and bearing it. I think she's just blunt by nature and doesn't really mean any harm--for the most part, anyway. However, it's possible that she is being snide and taking swipes on purpose and likes to "rattle his cage" as you put it. If that's true, then it's also a good way to show her that she isn't getting to him.

 

I agree. I take away the power of her words. And it's a tough one to know wether she is being Snyde or not. And taking shots, as in the past she obv did have intent to do that and maybe that has stuck with me. I'm going to work everyday at being stronger, it can only help

[Usa1ah]

Hey man, life is to short not to be happy.

 

This is why I do not believe in R after a spouse cheats. You have lost the reason for marrying them. They betrayed the trust and sanctity of the marriage. But when you have IC telling people that cheating will improve your marriage then telling the BS to get over it, what else would you expect.

 

Mfic99 you need to do what is best for you. You have bent over backwards for your wife and she is still putting you through hell at times. Stop the cycle.

[Mfic99]

This happened last night. Please share your view. She turned in the air in the middle of the night. It was getting to cold for me so out of respect I went to the other bedroom and slept on the air mattress. I did this for her so she could sleep at the sacrifice for myself. I ended up going back in around 2am. This morning I'm leaving for work and she says she got up and turned the air off last night but didn't come get me to go back to bed. Now I feel very disrespected because of this. I only went to the other room because of the air and she turns it off and doesn't even come get me. Thoughts please

[Hermes]

I don't know what to say Mfic.

 

In the first instance it might be considerate to ask when turning on the air-con "I hope it isn't too cold for you", and keep the temp to an acceptable level.

 

That said it is evident she didn't miss you much from the bed. Maybe she never heard you go to the other room, or didn't care one way or the other.

 

As always, Mfic, communication is the key.

[Usa1ah]

Is this the first time you have gone to the other room when she has turned the air on?

 

If not and she knows you leave when it is turned on. Then she can use it to get you out of the room when she wants to.

 

She actually told you she turned it back off when you got ready for work?

 

You know what I thing, file for separation and go from there. If she is willing to change to make your life better and happier like you try to do for her then great. If not divorce and find someone you can be happy with.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe she has hot flashes who knows? What makes you believe she's turning on the AC for any other reason than she was too warm? I think playing the martyr/victim in every single interaction will drive you both nuts.

She turned in the air in the middle of the night. It was getting to cold for me at the sacrifice for myself.

[crowleysgirl]

This is very strange behavior to have towards someone you love and care about. Seems to me like she has seriously lost interest and you should try to talk about and suggest counseling. If she is dismissive, I would take that as she isn't even interested in preserving the relationship anymore.

[TakeTwo]

Just throwing out there. What is she merely didn't want to wake you up? I am personally having problems to fall asleep. And if I did, waking me up would put me back into the struggle to get some sleep.

 

But I would have asked her directly (no accusations) why she did what she did.