Partner says they won't miss you while on trip, how bad is that?

[Hermes]

Once AGAIN and this is the hub of the matter:

 

"she said I won't miss you, but I might think about you."

 

It isn't about feeling secure or not while apart, or anything else, it is IMO about what she SAID on leaving.

And it is rude, if nothing else, to not let one's spouse know, if only ONCE a day (no one is saying a text every two seconds!!) how one is.

 

Listen Mfic.

 

It may be best to say nothing about it on her return, and as they say, "test the water". Let it slide for now. I understand perfectly how you feel, and I can see you are supportive.

 

You see when someone (in this case a spouse) says something like that, I am wondering about what is it they are NOT saying.....

[Mfic99]

Once AGAIN and this is the hub of the matter:

 

"she said I won't miss you, but I might think about you."

 

It isn't about feeling secure or not while apart, or anything else, it is IMO about what she SAID on leaving.

And it is rude, if nothing else, to not let one's spouse know, if only ONCE a day (no one is saying a text every two seconds!!) how one is.

 

Listen Mfic.

 

It may be best to say nothing about it on her return, and as they say, "test the water". Let it slide for now. I understand perfectly how you feel, and I can see you are supportive.

 

You see when someone (in this case a spouse) says something like that, I am wondering about what is it they are NOT saying.....

 

Exactly!! I agree

[Hermes]

Yes, Mfic. Time will tell......

[lilypadgirl]

Last two days will be in Canada, so she can contact there. Not on the cruise, which I'm not concerned about, but the days in Canada she most certainly could.

 

Wait, I think I just realized something. So she's currently on the cruise, where there may not be connectivity. She may not be able to check in with you. Plus she's not yet in Canada on land? You don't know yet whether she will check in with you as soon as she gets connection because that's in the future and you're already intending on jumping down her throat over a misuse of words during an intensely emotionally stressful time in her life?

 

Do you want to be right? Or do you want a relationship?

[Mfic99]

Honestly that sounds like you are criticizing her during probably what is one of the most stressful and distressing times in her life. It's making it about you again. The way you phrased it is all about how she worried you, not that you are worried about her. You know what I mean?

 

Plus conjecturing again, not knowing more about her, she may not have known what she said was negative. Again, I'm basing this on my past actions (again right or wrong), when I was emotionally distraught and couldn't admit I needed someone. I may not be able to say I love you or I miss you, but I would try to mitigate that by saying something I could do, which is I could think about someone. So in her mind she may be trying to find a way to protect her emotions while giving you something. So, again if this is the only instance, cut her some slack. Or else you'll risk pushing her further away. What she needs now is understanding and compassion. Not judgment. We'd all love it if we can act perfectly all the time, but we aren't perfect.

 

If you must say something, I would just say: I support you and I'm here for you. I care about you and your safety and worry about you when I don't hear from you for this long. Next time just check in and let me know you're okay, okay? I love you.

 

Thank you!! I get it now. I have to work on not holding her to every word, I do realize I do that, and that may not have been her intent at all. She also has always been bad at saying things, that come across different then what she intended, and doesn't think about what to say and just blurts out things. That being said I will say exactly what you suggest, and who knows maybe she will say hey I thought of you while taking this picture, or that there were phone issues and she tried to contact. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'll wait to see what she says and I won't say anything first.

[Hermes]

Lily, the OP didn't say anything of the kind, or was he contemplating "jumping down her throat".

 

 

" and you're already intending on jumping down her throat over a misuse of words during an intensely emotionally stressful time in her life?

"

 

It was not a misuse of words, and from where I am looking it seemed to have been intended to wound.

 

I've been in intensely emotionally stressful times in my life, very, but I certainly would not come out with something like that to my spouse. In fact it would be better to say nothing......

[lilypadgirl]

Thank you!! I get it now. I have to work on not holding her to every word, I do realize I do that, and that may not have been her intent at all. She also has always been bad at saying things, that come across different then what she intended, and doesn't think about what to say and just blurts out things. That being said I will say exactly what you suggest, and who knows maybe she will say hey I thought of you while taking this picture, or that there were phone issues and she tried to contact. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'll wait to see what she says and I won't say anything first.

 

Yes, just relax and cut her some slack. I hope she does check in when she can. But remember right now this is about her and her mom.

[Hermes]

You can say that, Mfic!.

 

"She also has always been bad at saying things, that come across different then what she intended, and doesn't think about what to say and just blurts out things."

 

If that is what she is like all the time, then I'd just say nothing at all.

[lilypadgirl]

It was not a misuse of words, and from where I am looking it seemed to have been intended to wound.

 

We don't know what she intended. She's not here to give her side of things.

 

I'm glad that you have been able to keep your cool and maintain good communication during distressful times. I, sad to admit, have not been as successful, yet without intention to harm. So just as you give an example where that is possible, I'm also giving an example where that is not possible without assuming that there are bad intentions. But what is obvious is that this is a highly distressing time for OP's wife, so let's assume with compassion.

[Mfic99]

Wait, I think I just realized something. So she's currently on the cruise, where there may not be connectivity. She may not be able to check in with you. Plus she's not yet in Canada on land? You don't know yet whether she will check in with you as soon as she gets connection because that's in the future and you're already intending on jumping down her throat over a misuse of words during an intensely emotionally stressful time in her life?

 

Do you want to be right? Or do you want a relationship?

 

Good point! I totally see what your saying. I'm basing things on what she said before she left. Maybe her intent was to let me know don't be upset if she doesn't reach out, although I think she could have said that instead.

 

Yes she's in Seattle now, one of the ports, that's why I'm surprised she hasn't said anything, that's why I made the thread. Since she hasn't it has me thinking about what she said right before she left, combined with no contact, has me thinking. then sea tommorrow and fri sat Canada, I pick up airport Sunday.

[Hermes]

I give up. LOL.

[Mfic99]

We don't know what she intended. She's not here to give her side of things.

 

I'm glad that you have been able to keep your cool and maintain good communication during distressful times. I, sad to admit, have not been as successful, yet without intention to harm. So just as you give an example where that is possible, I'm also giving an example where that is not possible without assuming that there are bad intentions. But what is obvious is that this is a highly distressing time for OP's wife, so let's assume with compassion.

 

Agreed. And of course our past history of her being wishy washy has me in that mind frame, but your right. I will not say anything. If I say anything at all I will say what you suggested earlier.

[DoF]

This should be a TRIGGER for you OP.

 

It should tell you that perhaps you haven't been working hard enough at your relationship......which would make sense, there is not much for your wife to miss.

 

When she gets back, face to face and ask her why she said she wouldn't miss you. Chances are, you will get the answer same as above.

 

Remember, relationships are HARD HARD work. Maybe you are in a comfort zone and idling......which to me is the DANGER zone.

 

 

[DoF]

Agreed. And of course our past history of her being wishy washy has me in that mind frame, but your right. I will not say anything. If I say anything at all I will say what you suggested earlier.

 

What was the CORE issue of her infidelity? Why did she cheat?

 

Was this ever addressed?

 

Personally, I think you made a mistake by accepting and sticking around such person.......but that's just me.

[Hermes]

Here we go

 

"She will make comments saying " your not getting sex tonight" or " I won't be letting the kitty get pet"

 

Just does it in a very mean way. Words do sting, and she could say things In a way that doesn't sting. She knows that, we talked about it, and she generally just blurts things out without thinking of the end result

[Mfic99]

This should be a TRIGGER for you OP.

 

It should tell you that perhaps you haven't been working hard enough at your relationship......which would make sense, there is not much for your wife to miss.

 

When she gets back, face to face and ask her why she said she wouldn't miss you. Chances are, you will get the answer same as above.

 

Remember, relationships are HARD HARD work. Maybe you are in a comfort zone and idling......which to me is the DANGER zone.

 

 

 

 

Are you saying my relationship is over? And that's why she said it?

[Hermes]

WE cannot second guess, Mfic. But as time goes on I am sure things will become clearer. I have read your other threads, or a few, in the past.......

You mentioned "wishy-washy" at some point, and well, that just isn't good enough.

[Mfic99]

What was the CORE issue of her infidelity? Why did she cheat?

 

Was this ever addressed?

 

Personally, I think you made a mistake by accepting and sticking around such person.......but that's just me.

 

Yes it was addressed and worked over a period of years. She was not happy at the core. We've worked all that out a long time ago

[Mfic99]

Here we go

 

"She will make comments saying " your not getting sex tonight" or " I won't be letting the kitty get pet"

 

Just does it in a very mean way. Words do sting, and she could say things In a way that doesn't sting. She knows that, we talked about it, and she generally just blurts things out without thinking of the end result

 

In therapy found that she admitted to being molested by her fathers best friend. We worked all that out and this is the first time in years, that she has said anything that I took bad. I will say the I won't miss you and not thinking comments take me right back to this time

[Hermes]

 

 

Read the great MHowe's replies to the OP in this thread.

[Mfic99]

 

Read the great MHowe's replies to the OP in this thread.

 

Astounding but she did make the changes. She did get help. And we have been having sex 3-4 times a week for the last few months. Says she is happier then ever and that things are great. She does make an effort and I see that.

[Mfic99]

I am having a hard time letting go of what she said

[IAmFCA]

Focusing narrowly on the "miss you" comment.

 

There was a time when this is something I would have said. I understood "missing someone" as an act of negative thoughts, like whining. I do not whine. I will not miss you, I will not go away on a trip I choose to take, and then pine for you while I am gone. No. I will be present in the moment of my trip. I will appreciate you, I will appreciate how much I would enjoy sharing this moment with you, I will think how nice it would be for you and me to have a similar time alone with one another. This trip, this trip is for the company I am with, and so that is what I will also appreciate.

 

In the sense of pining and whining that you are not with me, no, I will not do that.

 

Do I miss you always? Sometimes while at work, and my mind wanders? Of course. In the sense that I could often be with you when I am not. That is how life works. Further, I suspect if I had you with me as often as I wish I did, that I would no longer be as satisfied with myself.

 

So, yes, I miss you. And I want to miss you. It is a good thing.

 

Am I unhappy and crying over our separation? No. I am having the time of my life.

 

 

---

 

I have written this to help show how "I miss you" is an imprecise phrase, one that means different things to different people.

 

Don't over think it.

 

If you insist on getting stuck on this phrase, ask yourself this: Why are you damaging your relationship by doubting her affection for you? Why are you choosing to think in a destructive pattern? Stop it. YOU are doing this TO YOURSELF.

[Mfic99]

Focusing narrowly on the "miss you" comment.

 

There was a time when this is something I would have said. I understood "missing someone" as an act of negative thoughts, like whining. I do not whine. I will not miss you, I will not go away on a trip I choose to take, and then pine for you while I am gone. No. I will be present in the moment of my trip. I will appreciate you, I will appreciate how much I would enjoy sharing this moment with you, I will think how nice it would be for you and me to have a similar time alone with one another. This trip, this trip is for the company I am with, and so that is what I will also appreciate.

 

In the sense of pining and whining that you are not with me, no, I will not do that.

 

Do I miss you always? Sometimes while at work, and my mind wanders? Of course. In the sense that I could often be with you when I am not. That is how life works. Further, I suspect if I had you with me as often as I wish I did, that I would no longer be as satisfied with myself.

 

So, yes, I miss you. And I want to miss you. It is a good thing.

 

Am I unhappy and crying over our separation? No. I am having the time of my life.

 

 

---

 

I have written this to help show how "I miss you" is an imprecise phrase, one that means different things to different people.

 

Don't over think it.

 

If you insist on getting stuck on this phrase, ask yourself this: Why are you damaging your relationship by doubting her affection for you? Why are you choosing to think in a destructive pattern? Stop it. YOU are doing this TO YOURSELF.

 

Thank you. I did not think of it in that way. Now I can see it differently.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you. I did not think of it in that way. Now I can see it differently.

 

You're welcome. Good for you for pushing yourself to find your way out of negative self talk. I find that has been the key to many of the good things that have remained in my own life, so I see this as an essential act that you have just done. Good on ya.