How to breakup with my depressed and borderline suicidal girlfriend?

[parker]

So I am 20 years old, and I dated my girlfriend all throuought high school. We have been on and off multiple times throughout the years, but we always found our ways back to each other. We have dated for a total of probably 4+ years, but for the current relationship we are in, we just started dating around 5 months ago. I love her dearly, and I always have. She is very insecure, has lots of self-esteem issues, has a terrible body image. I have always been the one (besides her mom who by the way cares for her and is there for her more than any mother I have seen) to be there for her, listen to her complain about her body, etc. Every issue seems to stem from her body image issues. A little background on me and what I am going thru: I am currently in my second year in college and in a fraternity. I have turned down many girls, skipped many parties, stayed faithful, hung out with her whenever she wants to. But it is starting to feel like a chore and i feel like i do a lot of things for her to avoid conflict so she doesnt get upset with me. I have started to feel more like her caretaker or therapist rather than her boyfriend. It has definately taken a toll on me. On top of all this, I am enrolled in very challenging courses and trying to maintain a good GPA, along with having to be there for my younger brother who is still in high school who has severe anxiety, depression, and is giving my parents a hard time back home. My girlfriend over the past week has fell into a depression that I have never from her before. Everyhing is dull to her, including me. She is an emotional rollar coaster, even mentioning suicide. It devestates me, but I dont know what I can do anymore. I feel like a therapist, more than a boyfriend, even though she says she still loves me and doesnt know what she would do without me. I cannot any longer take the stress of having to worry about my brother and my girlfriend, and it is seriously taking a toll on me. But i have bene with her for pretty much my whole teenage life (16-20) and she means so much to me, but I know I cannot do it anymore. Advice please???

[Ms Darcy]

I would suggest breaking up with her sooner rather than later. In person if you can, or on the phone. But what's cruel is to do the breakup/make up thing over and over again. When you are done, be done and don't get back together.

[Wiseman2]

You're in way over your head. She can't really have a healthy relationship at this point, just support from friends and family and mostly professional help. The negativity of her state of mind will bring you down despite endless reassurances from you. Like a drowning victim, you'll just go down with her. Encourage her to seek help...that's all you can do. You must wean her off slowly while she gets help she needs. No sudden movements.

I have started to feel more like her caretaker or therapist rather than her boyfriend.

[parker]

She is currently starting therapy, is on anti-depressants, and has a family who loves her beyond belief. I most likely will not see her until summer break (June 10thish)....

[melancholy123]

Can you not see her after June 10? Since you will have about 6 weeks not seeing her, perhaps you should just not see her again. She needs professional help and you are out of your league while trying to help her. I agree, best to break it off asap.

[abitbroken]

Maybe you were attracted to this girl because of her similarities to your brother.

 

At any rate, I would talk to her less, and when she calls you to whine or put herself down, redirect her and say you are very busy and suggest that she speaks to her mother about what is bothering her and cut the conversation short. Maybe she will start getting the hint. And maybe before breaking it off, would it be appropriate to give mom a head's up? I normally don't advocate that, but if she is off the deep end and her mom caretakes her in a way, would it be a good move?

 

I don't think you should remain in the relationship. The idea of never seeing her again only works if you stop being a caretaker, too and set a boundary with her on the phone - to wean her off of your support - first.

[parker]

When I go back home in June for the summer I will be only a 6 minute drive from her.

[parker]

I think you are right as the best thing to do is to make sure she is receiving the proper help, making it clear to her that we can't get back together when we break up, and be there for her as a friend if she REALLLYYY needs ot

[ThatwasThen]

Tell her mother that she has mentioned suicide after you break up with her so that she becomes her mother's responsibility and not yours.

You can't fix her and in fact, the longer you try, the odds that she won't get the psychiatric care that she so evidently needs. Hopefully her mother is together enough to get her to a therapist about her thoughts of harming herself. A psychiatrist not a psychologist.

 

Bottom line: You break up with her like you would any girlfriend you no longer want to be with and then you get on with your life with her not in it. Its best you go zero contact so that she's not keeping up hope that you will come back to her. Don't screw around with her head and keep in contact and by telling her platitudes like "maybe in the future we can be together" or anything of the ilk. No demoting her to "just friend" either. That is the cruelest thing you could do to her because it will keep her mired in hope that she will get you back and it will torment her when/if you meet someone else while at college.

 

Do tell her mother of her talk of suicide.

[Ms Darcy]

Don't try to be her friend. She would be trying to get back together and that would only confuse and upset her. Leave her to her family.

[ThatwasThen]

When I go back home in June for the summer I will be only a 6 minute drive from her.

So? Zero contact after you break up with her. You can't expect her to get well while she's in this dysfunctional on and off relating with you.

 

Make the decision and then don't be around to make it hard on her to get over you. On and off again dysfunctional relationship is what you've been in so get yourself away from her and get on with you life as a single in college. Don't try to ingratiate yourself into her life when you're not in college. That's cruel.

[parker]

I know what I have to do going zero contact. The hard part is I care about her so much and I have such a good heart it will be so hard just not knowing how she is doing in her recovery process. I have been with her for pretty much as long as I can remember. The hard part won't be moving on with my life. It'll be leaving her to these issues

[ThatwasThen]

I know what I have to do going zero contact. The hard part is I care about her so much and I have such a good heart it will be so hard just not knowing how she is doing in her recovery process. I have been with her for pretty much as long as I can remember. The hard part won't be moving on with my life. It'll be leaving her to these issues

 

You must leave her to her issues because she's not getting any better with you enabling her to continue to have them. You are not helping her and frankly its rather selfish for you to want to stay in her life while not being committed to her.

 

It is dysfunctional and detrimental to both you and her to stay in this painful on and off relationship in any capacity. If you want out then get really out and don't expect to keep her in your life in a demoted state of just friend. It will be detrimental to her getting over you and it will be bad for you too because you both need to go cold turkey withdrawl from one another in order to get over the addiction of having each other in your lives.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding: Besides you're not "leaving her to these issues" She is seeing a therapist for those. Not only is it not your job to help her with those, you're unqualified to do any good in helping her overcome them so when you accept that, it will be easier for you to not feel guilt or a need to White Knight her. Google "white knight syndrome" and also Codependency because you seem to be having some tendency towards both those things.

 

You are going through life trying to "caretake" people which is the dysfunctional opposite of "caregive' I can give you a link about that if you're interested in reading it.

[Ms Darcy]

I know what I have to do going zero contact. The hard part is I care about her so much and I have such a good heart it will be so hard just not knowing how she is doing in her recovery process. I have been with her for pretty much as long as I can remember. The hard part won't be moving on with my life. It'll be leaving her to these issues

 

If you had a good heart, you would have been breaking up/making up with a troubled person. That really is cruel because you know better.

 

I think men especially need to stop equating being a 'white knight' with being a good person. It's infantilizing the other person.

[parker]

Ok first off don't question if I am a good person or not because you don't know me and that isn't your place. I appreciate your help, but judging what I am based off of a paragraph on a website does not mean you know me or what I am or what I'm not

[parker]

I would really appreciate it if you posted the article. I know that I have to cut off communication, it's a matter of how I go about doing so that I am contemplating

[ThatwasThen]

Ok first off don't question if I am a good person or not because you don't know me and that isn't your place. I appreciate your help, but judging what I am based off of a paragraph on a website does not mean you know me or what I am or what I'm not

No one is saying you're not a good person. What we are saying is that you think your need to caretake people makes you a good person.

 

Walking away from dysfunction and a woman that drags you down is not being a bad person. Unfortunately you think it is because of your tendency to White Knight.

 

Did you google white knight syndrome? I have a feeling you suffer from this because of your upbringing. You are feeling quite responsible to fix what ails your brother too so what is going on within you, Parker that you can't be empathetic without taking on responsibility that is not yours?

[Ms Darcy]

No one is saying you're not a good person. What we are saying is that you think your need to caretake people makes you a good person.

 

Walking away from dysfunction and a woman that drags you down is not being a bad person. Unfortunately you think it is because of your tendency to White Knight.

 

This is exactly right. I didn't say you are NOT a good person. But when you put things in those terms, it makes it seem staying with her is "good" and leaving her is "bad" which is the false dichotomy the "white knight syndrome" creates.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding (again):

But it is starting to feel like a chore and i feel like i do a lot of things for her to avoid conflict so she doesnt get upset with me. I

This is called losing yourself to others. Its a big symptom of codependency and white knight syndrome.

 

Get yourself away from her and when you're at college don't be afraid to use your benefits and see your own therapist to help you get over what being in this dysfunctional relationship with her has done to YOU. Look after yourself and stop worrying about her. That's her family's responsibility now.

[abitbroken]

I know what I have to do going zero contact. The hard part is I care about her so much and I have such a good heart it will be so hard just not knowing how she is doing in her recovery process. I have been with her for pretty much as long as I can remember. The hard part won't be moving on with my life. It'll be leaving her to these issues

 

That is a codependent view. Don't be a martyr. Be "good hearted" to yourself first. There is a difference between someone who is kind hearted (stops for ducklings crossing the road, etc.), and someone who is a doormat that invites others to walk all over them. When in a relationship like that, you don't have anything left to give for yourself. Honestly, in some situations, the KINDEST thing to do for someone is to do something that they won't like for the greater good. If you can cut the tie - the need you have to be a rescuer and enabler, she might very well accept real, professional help, because you are no longer filling that need for her because you are always "there." A boyfriend will listen but not make someone do what they don't want to do or won't make them share what they don't want to share, unlike a therapist. But really - you should be doing it for YOURSELF.

[parker]

Yes, and I agree that I fit many of those characteristics and that it applies to me. But just knowing doesn't change how I am

[parker]

I do recognize the issues it has caused me. Although I don't think I need professional help, I do have a lot to work on mentally after this relationship

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, and I agree that I fit many of those characteristics and that it applies to me. But just knowing doesn't change how I am

 

Therapy will help you with changing who you are because if you don't change who you are, you will find yourself gong through life being attracted to women who are severely issued (as this current one is) and you will be in dysfunctional relationships. How was your parents relationship?

 

Reading up on codependency and ways to overcome will also help you to have the personal boundaries in place to look after yourself instead of losing yourself in other like you have been doing with her.

[abitbroken]

Yes, and I agree that I fit many of those characteristics and that it applies to me. But just knowing doesn't change how I am

 

Recognizing it is the first step towards change.

 

Therapy will help you with changing who you are because if you don't change who you are, you will find yourself gong through life being attracted to women who are severely issued (as this current one is) and you will be in dysfunctional relationships. How was your parents relationship?

 

Reading up on codependency and ways to overcome will also help you to have the personal boundaries in place to look after yourself instead of losing yourself in other like you have been doing with her.

 

Agree with this

 

There are many support groups and 12 steps for codependents, including faith-based and non-faith-based programs. Something to look into for you. And there are several good books on boundaries.