Venting I guess... I miss having sex.

[Cynder]

So... I don't know if there is any real advice that can be given here. But I'm sure people here can at least relate and maybe share their experiences in this situation.

 

Ten weeks ago my boyfriend of four ears, who I am still madly in love with (though sometimes I wonder why) asked me for time apart. Ok... he has been saying he wants to get back together someday and all that. But I am not going to just sit here and wait on him forever.

 

And... I am so horny. I work in a male dominated field (I'm a Quality Inspector in an automotive plant.) My company is about 85% male. And most of the guys at work I never found attractive. But lately I have started even finding them attractive. I would never go there with a co worker though. Too much gossip and crap.

 

I also own my own business. I'm an artist who does commissions and I also work at festivals and stuff. This weekend I am working at a huge festival. It is the biggest undertaking I have taken on so far. There will be tons of people there. Festivals are a great place to get laid. And considering my taste and what I find attractive, and knowing the kind of people who attend this festival, I know there will be a lot of people I find appealing there.

 

I am conflicted. I have my needs... but I also don't want to do anything stupid. I know it will just mean emotional hell afterwords.

 

My breakup pretty much killed what little self esteem I had. I have been told all my life how ugly I am. My dad made it a point to tell me as a little kid all the time what an ugly little girl I was. He always referred to my sister and the pretty one. He told me once that he would have to keep a shotgun ready for when my sister starts dating, but would never have to worry about that with me because no one would want to date me.

 

I was also sexually abused for seven years by my step father. That certainly didn't help. Ex husband did nothing but put me down all the time. My recent ex told me all the time how beautiful I was and was always telling me I looked nice, etc. I know that a man doesn't have to say it for it to be true. But when someone has just been dumped it's expected to feel unattractive for a while afterwords I guess.

 

I miss sex, but I also miss all the other intimate things that come with it, like cuddling, kissing, etc. I am horny and really want to get laid. But at the same time I feel awful for thinking that way when I am still in love with my ex. I think how bad I would feel if I knew he was going out trying to get laid. (Which he might be, but I seriously doubt it considering his current work circumstances.) And when we were still together he pretty much stopped being interested in sex the minute he went on Zoloft.

 

On impulse I actually bought a box of condoms to take with me this weekend... just in case. At least I know if the opportunity presents itself and I can't resist temptation, I will have protection.

[DoF]

We always want things we can't have - human trait

 

You need to heal and recover after your last relationship so for now just focus on pleasing yourself. There is plenty of toys available for just about every need you have.

 

And when you are ready and start dating, don't rush in and stay away from early intimacy.

 

Sorry

[janut1]

I understand what you are saying and I say go for it if you can do it without attachment. But if not, I wouldn't recommend it. You do need to heal and get to the place of indifference with you latest relationship. I know by your other posts that you are not letting go and still hoping for him to return which will obviously impede your healing efforts.

 

I say HAVE FUN as long as its just that.

[mustlovedogs]

I can totally relate to this! I'm in the same boat...

 

So, my advice... Take it with a grain of salt lol.

 

Don't get intimate just because you're horny. It could wreak emotional havoc. It could be awesome. Who knows. Why not spend some money and get a nice vibrator? It'll help tide you over at least

 

And I'm sorry that you feel so unattractive reading that just breaks my heart. I had terribly low self esteem for basically my whole life and about a year and a half ago I decided I was tired of it. I made conscious efforts to be kinder to myself. Write encouraging notes on your mirror in Expo. Like "Good morning beautiful!" Or something like that. Stand naked in front of a mirror and tell yourself, every day, 5 good things about yourself. Go buy some cute underwear and new clothes. Get your hair cut. It all sounds so vain and small and stupid, but it works.

 

And my last piece of weirdly specific advice... I've been taking pole dancing classes for almost two years now. They are AMAZING. My studio at least is incredibly supportive. I'm plus sized and most of the other patrons are stereotypically hot. But they are so encouraging of me! Never once have I been teased for being plus sized. In fact, I get told all the time how hot/sexy I am. Plus, it's an excellent work out and you get killer muscle tone. It's just a very pro-"Girl Power" environment. It has helped me incredibly. You should look in to it.

[Cynder]

We always want things we can't have - human trait

 

You need to heal and recover after your last relationship so for now just focus on pleasing yourself. There is plenty of toys available for just about every need you have.

 

And when you are ready and start dating, don't rush in and stay away from early intimacy.

 

Sorry

 

I have plenty of toys. I'm a kinky girl. Some of them my ex even bought me. Yes, any toy can get me off. But it's just a piece of plastic. It's about more than just getting off at this point.

[TMifune]

Self-control is a virtue.

[reinventmyself]

I understand missing the intimacy. It isn't so much about the act of sex but it's about being held and physical contact and all the other good things that come with it.

You are also in the process of detaching from it, so be patient with yourself.

 

I have found that (after you've healed some) in between relationships sex stops crossing your mind as often.

But once you start having it again, it's all you can think of! I have think it's the high you get from it, especially if it's new.

 

I am concerned that you are a little too vulnerable at the moment to engage in casual sex.

It might not be the best idea.

Flirt. . have fun.

Take care of business by your self in the meantime

[Cynder]

I understand what you are saying and I say go for it if you can do it without attachment. But if not, I wouldn't recommend it. You do need to heal and get to the place of indifference with you latest relationship. I know by your other posts that you are not letting go and still hoping for him to return which will obviously impede your healing efforts.

 

I say HAVE FUN as long as its just that.

 

I feel like I am starting to let go... but I am nowhere near indifference yet. I wish I was. I am starting to let go for my own good, and not because I don't love him anymore. I still love him. But I am getting to the point where I am not as willing to take the emotional torture of holding on anymore.

[Cynder]

I can totally relate to this! I'm in the same boat...

 

So, my advice... Take it with a grain of salt lol.

 

Don't get intimate just because you're horny. It could wreak emotional havoc. It could be awesome. Who knows. Why not spend some money and get a nice vibrator? It'll help tide you over at least

 

And I'm sorry that you feel so unattractive reading that just breaks my heart. I had terribly low self esteem for basically my whole life and about a year and a half ago I decided I was tired of it. I made conscious efforts to be kinder to myself. Write encouraging notes on your mirror in Expo. Like "Good morning beautiful!" Or something like that. Stand naked in front of a mirror and tell yourself, every day, 5 good things about yourself. Go buy some cute underwear and new clothes. Get your hair cut. It all sounds so vain and small and stupid, but it works.

 

And my last piece of weirdly specific advice... I've been taking pole dancing classes for almost two years now. They are AMAZING. My studio at least is incredibly supportive. I'm plus sized and most of the other patrons are stereotypically hot. But they are so encouraging of me! Never once have I been teased for being plus sized. In fact, I get told all the time how hot/sexy I am. Plus, it's an excellent work out and you get killer muscle tone. It's just a very pro-"Girl Power" environment. It has helped me incredibly. You should look in to it.

 

Lol... I have like 5 vibrators, all different shapes and sizes, all designed for different purposes. I have one that is even really top of the line.

 

I just got my hair professionally trimmed and colored. And I have lost almost 20 ibs since my break up. I am plus sized too.

 

I would love to take a pole dancing class. It's something I looked into a few years ago. But there is nothing like that available in my area, and I can't get a driver's license due to a congenital medical condition. So, driving an hour away to take a class isn't an option. I have been running every night after work though. That helps me feel better.

[Cynder]

I understand what you are saying and I say go for it if you can do it without attachment. But if not, I wouldn't recommend it. You do need to heal and get to the place of indifference with you latest relationship. I know by your other posts that you are not letting go and still hoping for him to return which will obviously impede your healing efforts.

 

I say HAVE FUN as long as its just that.

 

The ideal situation would be if I could find someone who is going through the same things. Like someone who just got dumped and feels bad about themsef... and we both agree to just do this to make each other feel better.

 

I am staying at a hotel. I'm sure other festival people will be staying at the hotel too. At night in the hotel bar there will probably be a lot of drinking going on... never know. I might end up in a conversation with someone who really is going through the same thing. And conveniently enough we are in a hotel, lol.

[Cynder]

I understand missing the intimacy. It isn't so much about the act of sex but it's about being held and physical contact and all the other good things that come with it.

You are also in the process of detaching from it, so be patient with yourself.

 

I have found that (after you've healed some) in between relationships sex stops crossing your mind as often.

But once you start having it again, it's all you can think of! I have think it's the high you get from it, especially if it's new.

 

I am concerned that you are a little too vulnerable at the moment to engage in casual sex.

It might not be the best idea.

Flirt. . have fun.

Take care of business by your self in the meantime

 

 

Yea... it is really more about the intimacy. In the last few months of my relationship when my ex was on Zoloft, we didn't have sex. And even though I missed it, I didn't really mind as much because we still cuddled, held hands, kissed, hugged, etc.

 

And I know what you mean about not missing it when you aren't having it. My ex husband and I didn't have sex hardly at all. And after a while I just didn't think about it.

[Clinton]

The ideal situation would be if I could find someone who is going through the same things. Like someone who just got dumped and feels bad about themsef... and we both agree to just do this to make each other feel better.

 

I am staying at a hotel. I'm sure other festival people will be staying at the hotel too. At night in the hotel bar there will probably be a lot of drinking going on... never know. I might end up in a conversation with someone who really is going through the same thing. And conveniently enough we are in a hotel, lol.

 

Thing is, people who're grieving the end of a relationship tend to form emotional attachments to mask their pain. And then things get messy. I'd advise proceeding with caution.

[reinventmyself]

Yea... it is really more about the intimacy. In the last few months of my relationship when my ex was on Zoloft, we didn't have sex. And even though I missed it, I didn't really mind as much because we still cuddled, held hands, kissed, hugged, etc.

 

And I know what you mean about not missing it when you aren't having it. My ex husband and I didn't have sex hardly at all. And after a while I just didn't think about it.

I also wanted to add, I read previously that this festival was an opportunity to meet up with the ex and now that that's off the table I'd be careful about what exactly is motivating you to think you need to do this.

Just something to think about. I don't think the timing is a coincidence.

[Cynder]

I also wanted to add, I read previously that this festival was an opportunity to meet up with the ex and now that that's off the table I'd be careful about what exactly is motivating you to think you need to do this.

Just something to think about. I don't think the timing is a coincidence.

 

Yea... I am conflicted there too. I was looking forward to meeting up with my ex. And when we decided not to it was a mutual decision. I was both relieved and sad.

 

When we broke up he kept reassuring me over and over again that we were going to be friends and that this isn't goodbye forever. Now I'm starting to think he was just full of it.

[DoF]

2 big questions:

 

Does "sex without feelings" sound appealing to you and do you value it? To me it's worthless and quite unappealing.

 

And then there is the question that you probably can't really answer, as we are not really in control of our feelings.

 

Can you have sex without attachment or feelings?

 

I would still recommend healing/recovery and staying completely away from opposite sex.

[NightLily]

It is a good sign you experience any arousal at all. My libido totally left the building a month ago.

[TMifune]

It is a good sign you experience any arousal at all. My libido totally left the building a month ago.

 

Oh no! It's out there wandering around all on it's own!

[boltnrun]

Would you feel horribly guilty afterward? Like you betrayed your ex?

 

Now, I personally don't think you "owe" him fidelity. He's the one who decided to take off and leave you to move HIS stuff into your new house and didn't even lift a finger to help. Among many other things. So, I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you.

 

But, I think it's a little soon. Maybe you're trying to fill the space that was created when you two decided not to see one another. But still...would you really find comfort in the arms of a stranger?

[Miss Firecracker]

I would just do what comes naturally, Cynder. You owe this man nothing.