Questioning moving in, and going forward

[Guitarguy_82]

A few coincidences have presented themselves, and I'm a bit stuck in what to do next.

 

The question of me moving in with GF has come up again. This also happens to be the 2 month mark before I need to decide if I am going to resign my lease at my current apartment. This also happens to be a point in time in my career where things have shifted in my job role (outside my control) and I'm currently unsure about my job stability.

 

 

Regarding the job, in short, my role is being moved from what I'm doing now (a very boring, pointless "coordinator" job) to a testing role (which in theory will be a lot more busy work, but also possibly a new skill to slap on the resume). I don't know when it will start, or if it is permanent, or what will happen after. I've been with this company for 4 years, and have been doing the coordination role for about 3. I'm actively looking around for new work.

 

As for the living situation, the discussion about the apartment probably wasn't helped by the fact that I was somewhat hinting at the GF that we could perhaps move in together. I think she took this to mean that I was definitely considering it, which I can't blame her for. She has been looking for her own apartment as well recently, to get out of her current situation where she lives with her family about 45 minutes away from me.

 

On my end of the living situation, I've been in this apartment for almost 2 years, and I'm still trying to settle in. I still have boxes and totes from previous moves that I am trying to sort out and organize appropriately. I'm not exactly keen on boxing everything up all over again and moving yet again (I've moved apartments about 4 times in the last 6 years). I have suggested she might be able to move in with me, although its a 1 bedroom and kind of small for 2 people.

 

As the relationship goes, long story short, she is wanting to move the relationship forward. I have hesitation and doubts. Not only about her but about where I'm at as well. She and I have been together for about 2 years, had some big ups and downs, lots of bickering and fighting lately, but also some good moments. I've started seeing a therapist (who is great and who I am seeing tomorrow as well) who really helps me sort my thinking out, and who has mentioned I might not be ready for this relationship to go forward (based on a few things).

 

As for GF, we've had a few big fights lately and I think one might even say the relationship has run its course. I don't know if she's the one, even though she is probably the best girlfriend I've had so far. I love her very much and we've both grown significantly together. I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. She is my best friend for all intents and purposes.

 

She is smart, funny, caring, gets along with my family, makes me think and see things differently. She challenges me. All of those things I love about her and I think she excels at. That being said, (and this is the part of my argument that I really hit a wall with) physically I don't know if she and I are a great match. We had a great sex life at the beginning (during the honeymoon phase) and once we said our "I love you's", it went sharply downhill. I don't know if maybe I was blinded by her amazing other qualities, but physically I just don't know if I can sit there with a straight face and say that I'm even attracted to her anymore.

 

And it's not like I'm some incredible person, I'm average at best, but here's my question: Shouldn't we want to be with someone that has great qualities, and a great personality, and also is someone we can say "Yes, I am attracted to you". I'm not asking for someone who is going to stop traffic, but isn't there a problem when I can't even tell myself that I want to be with her anymore?

 

It makes me sound very superficial, and I hate that that's where my thinking leads me. She truly is a great person and I know that we have our fights and the sex life has significantly dropped off, but can't there be a balance between what I want physically and what I want from a non-physical standpoint?

 

(by the way, I've described this problem in previous posts, and perhaps the fact that I'm asking again may be an indicator that indeed I am not ready for this going forward).

 

I know nobody is perfect. I'm not asking for perfect. I know that a relationship is give and take, and compromise, and that love grows over time. I also know that beauty fades. Again, I'm not asking for a model...just the right person for me.

 

Is it bad that I like (most) everything else about her, except the physical aspects?

 

Is it my own fault for going along with it for 2 years when I probably should have done something about it earlier?

 

Should we consider moving in together? Should I try and stay solo in my apartment and explain that I'm just not ready? Is it all a matter of coincidence and it is making it harder than it needs to be? I'm planning on asking my therapist about this more tomorrow when I see him, among a few of the other points I've touched on here.

 

I love this girl, but it shouldn't be this hard to make a decision, right? My gut says hold your horses, but I feel the pressure to either move forward or face losing her.

 

She asked me last night if we are going to live together, and I flat out said "I don't know". She immediately teared up and started to think the worst. I reassured her that just because I haven't made my decision, and that there's other things coincidentally happening which may influence my decision, does not mean that I don't love her or want to move forward with her.

 

I just feel very stuck.

[Clinton]

End it. You really aren't in love with her. Like maybe, love definitely not. Not after everything you've just typed. Life together is hard enough without starting offwith such incredibly low expectations.

 

So suck it up and pull the trigger. Let her find someone who appreciates her.

 

And you can begin your search for someone you are an actual match with.

[Wiseman2]

If you are this unsure...moving in together is probably not the best bet. In fact if it's just become convenient and complacent, you may need to stop stringing her along if you are really not feeling it.

The question of me moving in with GF has come up again. As the relationship goes, long story short, she is wanting to move the relationship forward. I have hesitation and doubts. She and I have been together for about 2 years, had some big ups and downs, lots of bickering and fighting lately. I think one might even say the relationship has run its course. isn't there a problem when I can't even tell myself that I want to be with her anymore?

[Ms Darcy]

I'm confused about the attraction issue. Did she gain weight? What happened between the beginning and now?

[reinventmyself]

While a lot of your questions don't really have a clear answer or at least one that I can answer for you, the question about whether or not to move in is very clear.

Do not move in together until you have sorted the other things out first.

No doubt you are concerned about telling her, after all you did allude to her moving in.

It will be difficult, but necessary and be prepared for the other things that will likely spill out as well.

I can only imagine you feel some anxiety addressing one thing because it will likely lead to another.

Face them and sort things out.