Break up has left me alone in foreign city

[km2]

Hi,

 

This is my first time posting about here, so apologies for the long email.

 

My boyfriend of two years split up with me over easter. We had always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship, with a lot of pressure being placed on both of us after we had to move in together very quickly and had to make a decision to stay together and move across the world. However, although we had some difficulties, we also had a very clear plan together for what we wanted for the future, including where we would be living, when we would get married & have children etc. He was very much involved in this planning process, and right before we broke up we had filled out the application forms for him to come back to Australia with me on a partnership visa.

 

About a year after we met, we moved together to London (I am from Australia, where we met & he is from the UK) and I could see right away that he hated being there. It had been my idea to move to London, and although he didn't want to, he resented me for the move. He has trouble making new friends and difficulty with self esteem, so found it hard to live somewhere where he knew no one. Once I realised he wasn't going to settle in to London, I tried everything I could to convince him to move, or to make some other changes in our life to make him happier. But he could never tell me what he needed or wanted to feel better (would just say he didn't know), and kept saying he didn't want to 'fail' London by running away.

 

Although I tried to support him the best I could, he would blame me for his depression and feelings of inadequacy, saying I put 'too much pressure' on him to try and take some proactive steps in his life (I just wanted him to be happier, I hated seeing someone I loved in so much pain!). I kept telling him that I would do anything he wanted, go anywhere, try anything to get him out of his depressive slump, but he would just say over and over that it was all too hard, he didn't know what he wanted, that he just wanted to 'float' and 'stagnate'. Sometimes he would get in to a state where he wouldn't talk to me (also refusing to call anyone else), would sit/sleep on the couch and refuse to eat and would barely sleep for a few days. He told me later that during these periods he was seriously contemplating suicide. During these bouts of severe depression, he would tell me that it was too hard to be connected to anyone, that he wanted to run away from everything and get a dead end job and be away from anyone so no one would care about him. It was scary, and I tried to help him the best I could (but he refused professional help).

 

About a week before we split up, we had had an argument (he had betrayed me, not cheating, but close) and I had gone to stay in a hotel for a few days. During this time, he decided that he was going to make changes in his life, go to counselling, that we would move to his hometown to be closer to his family and old friends (what I had wanted to do for almost a year), that he was going to do some study to be able to get a better job, and that while he was doing all this to help himself, he would do anything to prove to me how much he wanted it to work and commit properly to our future.

 

Then two days later, it was all over. He said that he didn't want to 'drag me down' or hold me back, and that it wasn't fair that he was hurting me because he was so depressed, so he was leaving me for my own good, that he loved me too much to keep hurting me. He told me that he needed time to work himself out and that when he had done everything to make himself feel better maybe we could try again, but that our fights were not productive. He always avoided things that might make him feel worse, run away from responsibility. He fought that instinct a lot with me, but in the end it won and he left. I was very shocked as I thought he was more self aware and knew that I always wanted to be by his side through it all.

 

Since then, he has moved across the country and back in with his mother, but we have spoken relatively frequently. He has told me on several occasions that he misses me, still loves me but that he is feeling so depressed that he cannot see a future at all, meaning he can't tell if he wants me in it. We are meeting up in May, which was meant to be to have a conversation about the possibility of us getting back together, but our last few conversations have gotten a little nasty, and I don't hold out much hope of a reconciliation as he seems determined to live in his pit of depression, doing very little to improve his situation. The last conversation he had, he told me it was over and I should move on. That he didn't know if he would ever feel better, and that he didn't like himself when he was with me so he didn't want to do it anymore. It was so different to every other conversation we have had, but all I can do is try and accept it.

 

He has now left me in a foreign city that feels huge and cold and I am incredibly lonely. I don't really have any friends here, and certainly none I feel I can offload to or rely on too heavily get me through this. I am spending a lot of time alone in our empty house (although will move out at the end of May to somewhere hopefully more social). I am really struggling to complete even simple tasks, and have had to take some time off work (even though I don't get paid for sick days). I am feeling incredibly low, and although I have recently started counselling, and am trying to get out and about, it is very hard. I also haven't spoken to him for a few days and am hoping that I can keep that up, although I want to talk to him very badly.

 

I don't know if I should just get a flight home, always wondering 'what if', and having all of my memories of this city be clouded by what has happened, or try to tough it out and make some memories of my own and leave in December (I was going home for a visit for Christmas so will just make it one way). I worry that if I stay, I will spend the whole time wanting to try and get back together with him, but if I leave I am terrified I won't have given it a chance to perhaps change, and might have cut myself off from the man I could be with my whole life? I was so happy with him, despite his depression. We had a connection that I didn't think could ever be severed.

 

I just don't know how to accept what has happened, when his depression has clouded his judgement so much and I can't believe he means what he is saying. I keep thinking that I should've been more patient, tried to support him in other ways, but I don't know what else I could've done. He wouldn't go to counselling and there is only so much one person can do, I know that.

 

If anyone has been in a similar position, how did you get through it? Did you leave and go home? How do you let go when someone is so depressed, and you are so worried about them?

 

Any replies are much appreciated.

[kbbcoop77]

He bailed out on you and moved in with mommy, and has said he doesn't see a future with you. If I were you, I would move back home now and get some family support which will help you tremendously, as will getting some physical space between the two of you. Don't waste any more time on someone who has treated you like this, there's way too many other people out there who will be a better fit.

[Wiseman2]

He left you after an argument. You have already given it a few chances. Get your life back on track, because if he wanted to work things out, he would not have simply left you stranded.

My boyfriend of two years split up with me over easter. We had always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship. About a week before we split up, we had had an argument and I had gone to stay in a hotel for a few days. Then two days later, it was all over. Since then, he has moved across the country and back in with his mother, but we have spoken relatively frequently. I don't know if I should just get a flight home but if I leave I am terrified I won't have given it a chance to perhaps change.

[Hermes]

KM:

 

This jumps out at me:

 

"We had always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship, ..."

 

and

 

"...he would blame me for his depression and feelings of inadequacy, saying I put 'too much pressure' on him to try and take some proactive steps in his life

 

Not a chance KM. Consider yourself lucky he has broken off.

 

It is not your job to be either a therapist or a "fixer" in someone else's life. It is his job, his responsibility to get professional help for his depression. At one point he was going to go for counselling (he needs more than that, he needs therapy) and then again he doesn't want to go for help. Again, not your problem.

 

My advice, do not meet up in May, or any time.

 

I can well imagine you are feeling low, and fed up.

 

I think you are right to return to Australia for Christmas, or go before that if you can, on a one-way ticket.

When the dust settles and this unfortunate episode is well behind you, no reason why you might not wish to visit the U.K. again.

[km2]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I guess I am just one of those people that tries to look after others, and I honestly never minded because he looked after me so well as well (I have anxiety, and he was very supportive and tried to help me the best he could).

 

I am just having a lot of trouble reaching any sort of acceptance. I have been through a big break up before, and I know it will get better but I just can't see how.

 

He was my entire world and one of the few people in my life (and the only person in this country) that understood me. We gave up so much to be together and I can't believe that after all that hard work it's over. I really didn't see this coming, and I didn't think that not speaking to each other would come along so quickly.

 

It has been 3 weeks of being a complete zombie and I just want it to get better.

 

I'm not sure if I will still see him in May, as what he wanted from that initial conversation has changed, but he does need to collect some things and he already has a train ticket booked so we will probably have to see each other at least for that.

 

Any tips for how to stay strong and not contact?

[Wiseman2]

Move back to your hometown asap to your friends, family, etc. Your isolation is due to him and that is why you feel alone there and put him on a pedestal. The sooner you get out of hanging around hoping and waiting the better you will feel. Move asap change your phone, block all social media and look ahead and forward to a new non-tumultuous life.

Any tips for how to stay strong and not contact?

[Hermes]

KM. What Wiseman just said.

 

Cut your losses, get up from the card table and you'll "play" another day.

 

You remark:

 

"he does need to collect some things and he already has a train ticket booked so we will probably have to see each other at least for that."

 

No you won't. Either have someone else there when he has to come collect his stuff, or have the stuff left elsewhere where he can collect it.

[km2]

I think by the time it comes around to that, I will feel strong enough to be able to do that.

 

It's just so hard, it just feels so quick that all of a sudden he's not part of my life anymore.

 

I feel lost. I need to see my school year out (I'm a teacher) and then will plan to head home in the summer I think. It doesn't feel right to be here without him.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. While the problem feels like it's all about the breakup, the larger issue is your social isolation--which began long before the breakup. When we make someone else into our world, that world becomes very small. And dependent.

 

Very few breakups between self-supporting adults need to involve geography. If your choice is between learning to thrive where you are with a base of a decent job, studies, therapy and the means to live on your own versus going home to a family that may permit you to further isolate, I'd consider the breakup my impetus to learn how to thrive regardless of where I opt to live.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from this and build a creative, healthy life for myself--solo.

 

Ex is a depressive with issues far beyond your capacity to help. Not even best therapist in the world can live his life for him or force him to comply with treatment. Attempts to manipulate him back into your life are a waste of your time and focus because codependency will trash YOUR life. I'd trust instead that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday--but someday is not anywhere near now--and higher ground is a place you'll each need to reach on your own.

 

I'd work intensely with a therapist to develop my career, my social life, my physical health and strength and my hidden interests and talents. I'd throw myself into forming new friendships that I can make about listening and giving rather than about venting my own stuff. I'd learn what I've been missing by limiting my focus to a bummer of a BF, and I'd make myself proud.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Wiseman2]

Good plan.

I need to see my school year out (I'm a teacher) and then will plan to head home in the summer I think.

[parrot]

Hi Km2, I am new here and just posted about my breakup. A lot of similarities in that I had relocated (initially for work, but stayed permanently for him) and felt I had to leave after we broke up a few weeks ago. Probably a different scenario as this was a very rural town in the middle of nowhere and I literally had no one. I left immediately and sometimes regret that decision, but I don't think it really would have changed anything in our relationship if I had stayed longer. It definitely would have depressed me a whole lot. Anyway, I wanted to offer my support. I'm also having a really hard time, did not see this coming, and still can't imagine my life with anyone else. I'm here for you if you need to chat/someone to listen. I really do know what you're going through. I hope you feel better soon.