Am I being played?

[Hopesick]

have been married to my husband for over 16 years. He went to a work conference in January and met a woman with whom he experienced a strong mutual connection. They began communicating often about work related matters and her son's behavioral issues following her divorce, which are similar to issues my husband experienced as a child. He initially hid this friendship from me because he did not think I would understand, and because they were confused about their feelings and the connection they have. They ultimately decided it is not romantic, but believe they are platonic soulmates and need to maintain a close friendship for some unknown reason. It took them a lot of talking to figure this out. I do not understand why. When I saw a picture of her on his phone as I glanced over his shoulder and then questioned him on it, he was very defensive, but told me who she was, what was going on, and how confused he is by it. I was extremely upset, both because he hid it from me, and because I am still suspicious that it is an emotional affair. He constantly tells me he loves me, is committed to me, and that he has no romantic interest in this woman, but feels a strong need to have this friendship. He also said that he feels we have lost our connection. I asked him to go to counseling with me. In the past he has been against counseling, so I was sure he would refuse, but he agreed. Counseling has not been easy and I am struggling to trust him over this. He told her about it, and she suggested he pray about it and go to counseling. She is divorced and has said she wished her husband would have gone with her. She reached out to me by email to assure me that there is nothing between them but a close genuine friendship. I still cannot accept that. Complicating matters, this weekend he had another work conference spanning a weekend in her city. He asked me to accompany him and wanted me to meet her, but due to my work schedule, I was unable. I asked him not to see her, but he insisted on spending his free parts of the day yesterday and today with her, both alone and with her children present. In advance of this trip, she again reached out to me by email to assure me that there is nothing going on. Part of their time spent included attending her church, as she is quite religious and they had talked about their religion. My husband has a standing rule that he will never refuse an invitation to church from any of his friends. He has attended church services with other friends in the past. He says he cannot explain why he feels so close to this person, but that he has prayed about it, and gets a feeling they should remain friends even though he knows how much it upsets me. She wants to meet me and he wants us to be friends. I just can't seem to accept this friendship. I want to give him an ultimatum, but he will never respond well to that. What should I do?

[annie24]

what a load of bull crap. Sorry. Maybe he needs to talk to his pastor about why this friendship with this woman comes before his WIFE. I think you two should head to marriage counseling. Him spending time with her is playing with fire.

[melancholy123]

I agree, this is indeed playing with fire and asking for trouble. If he needs a connection with someone, it should be with you. Counselling may help if he puts in the effort.

[Hollyj]

This has disrespect and deceit written all over it!

 

I agree with Annie: he is putting her above you. This is not acceptable!

[Andrina]

Yes, emotional affairs do happen when a couple has lost their emotional connection. I can't believe the counselor hasn't told him that the friendship needs to end. The counseling isn't going to help your marriage if he continues this close friendship. People in exclusive relationships need to put up boundaries to prevent this from happening. Of course I have small-talk chats with men at work, but I would never choose one to look forward to seeing and stop by his desk every day. I wouldn't go to lunch with him unless it was a one time deal where it was convenient but would never make a habit of it. I wouldn't treat one guy any differently than any other co-worker. I expect the same behavior from my husband.

 

He and I discussed rules at the beginning of our relationship and we were on the same page. Even if my husband had a best female friend who was like a sister and the ugliest woman on the planet, I wouldn't accept this. There is a different dynamic with close female/male friendships. I want to be the ONLY important female in his life except for his mother, daughter and sister.

 

Bring this up with the counselor. Print him an article on emotional affairs and how it affects a marriage and read it together. What has he done to reestablish the emotional connection with you? Did your counselor give you two any homework?

 

In your shoes, yes, I'd give him an ultimatum and let him know you've gone to see a divorce lawyer so you can be prepared if he fails to make things right. Maybe this will wake him up, since for now, it seems like you're staying and that he can have his cake and eat it too. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[Lester]

First things first:

"She reached out to me by email to assure me..."

- Inclusion is a common cheater ploy, that nullifies your intentions to save the marriage! It can also be dangerous.

Email her back and say these exact words only once. "Stay away from me and my husband. Never again contact me, otherwise I will call the police on you."

 

 

Hopesick, when it comes to cheating..., there's absolutely nothing new under the sun.

It is at minimum an emotional affair. More appeasement by you guarantees it will be, if not already, an physical affair.

 

 

Here at ena we have heard (your) the following statements repeated thousands of of times:

"he was very defensive"

"and that he has no romantic interest in this woman,"

" that he has no romantic interest in this woman, but feels a strong need to have this friendship."

"He also said that he feels we have lost our connection."

"Part of their time spent included attending her church,"

"they should remain friends even though he knows how much it upsets me."

- There all cheater lies!

 

 

What to do:

"I want to give him an ultimatum, but he will never respond well to that. What should I do?"

- You must give him the ultimatum and stop caring about what he thinks/wants. (Time is running out)

- Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Buy the book at a friends/family's house. Never let him see it.)

- Don't use devices/computers he uses!

- Come back for more help.

 

 

PS, For more and more timely responses, please use paragraphs.

[shessofly]

How ridiculous and disrespectful on both their parts. He is putting his relationship with her ahead of your feelings and that is unacceptable. He hid that relationship because he knew it was wrong. That was a check in his own conscience warning him not to go there. I would advise you go to counseling, but also see if he will speak to your pastor about this situation. Perhaps someone he respects can help him see the light. He is playing with fire. I believe he knows this is wrong, but is trying to justify it by bathing it in prayer. As a married man who says he is so religious, he should know that he is out of order with this "friendship" that he just can't give up. I am sorry he is dismissing your feelings. I don't know how to handle this situation, but some sort of line needs to be drawn where you say enough is enough. This is absolute rubbish, and I wouldn't be corresponding with her in any way, shape or form. Just knowing that she is making this man's wife uncomfortable should be enough for her to take a step back, if she has any respect for your marriage. She should take her son's behavioral issues to her own therapist. She's way out of line but ultimately it is his responsibility to put an end to it.

[dave_1966]

Lester is absolutely correct when he says 'Inclusion is a common cheater ploy, that nullifies your intentions to save the marriage! It can also be dangerous'

 

I agree that this other woman needs to be under no illusion that if she contacts you again IN ANY WAY that it will be considered harassment (or similar) and Police will be contacted. She has no place in your life, and justs wants to p1ss on your back and tell you it's raining. Don't fall for it, and give your husband an ultimatum which you should be prepared to follow through with.

 

So, yes, at the very least she's playing you.

[msbrunette]

I agree with the others, sounds like bull to me.

Even if they were friends - okay cool np - but if it bothers you - it bothers you and as your husband he needs to fix the situation.

Theres nothing complicated about this really, youre his wife, this friendship bothers you, he needs to end it.

If he doesnt or comes up with excuses then you know that he is attached to her and you should be worried.

IMO he is doing his best to have the best of both worlds.

Don't be fooled, at this point I would sit him down and make him understand, this is not arguing matter, she needs to go or you will.

Simple.

People get married for a reason, for a longtime partner, you're his mate and he married you for a reason.

You're both suppose to keep each other happy, this doesnt make you happy, he needs to fix it.

 

Good luck