A Recollection of Online Dating (mis)Adventures

[Batya33]

Something doesn't make sense here -he's felt it for awhile, he knows you're really into him -wanting to meet his family, all of that, but then he chooses not to celebrate your birthday with you, then knows he messed up and does the flowers - was he expecting you to notice what the balloon said and ask him? Seems like a lot of indirectness/inconsistencies going on here. Maybe you have a part in this too - giving him a pass too much of the time or being indirect in how you express yourself (like pouting and having him figure out why, etc). I think it's a sign that you two have to be a lot more direct with each other - what a waste of time when you could be having even more fun. And not "try" -do it -because that's the beauty of being direct -it's simply done -fewer words than indirect/passive - and there are many opportunities to practice in a week if not in a day.

[ms201242]

Yes, he said it. He celebrated my birthday with me - we went out to dinner & drinks and stayed out all night. The original reason for me being upset was that there was really nothing separating that night from any other night, other than spending a bit more money and hearing "happy birthday". Once he realized what I was upset about and why, he fixed it. In all fairness, at that point I still hadn't told him I love him either, even though i've felt it for months now. We all move at our own pace and even if I did give him a pass one too many times (which I probably did), I was also being indirect with him.

 

Now for more recent news I just got back home from spending 5 days with his family. I could not have asked for the week to go any better than it did. His family welcomed me with open arms, and his niece didn't leave my side for more than 10 minutes the entire week. I offered to help where I could, did work around the house with A, and got the grand tour of where he grew up. We slept in his childhood room which almost felt like something out of a movie. It's still set up the way he had it when he was growing up. I exchanged phone numbers with his sister and hope to keep in contact with her as well.

 

Even though I love him and couldn't ask for a better relationship, meeting his family was sort of the cherry on top of the cake for me. I needed to spend time with them just to make 1000% sure that he is right for me. Family is very important to me and I spend a lot of time with my own family. The way he interacted with them was just....perfect. He sort of runs the household when he's there, buying groceries, working on the house and cars, making sure his niece goes to bed on time and doesn't eat too many sweets, etc. I really liked seeing that.

 

On Thanksgiving, he pulled me aside while everyone was cooking and getting ready and told me that he is thankful for me and that he was really glad I was there. I thought that was sweet of him. We won't be spending Christmas together, but we will spend New Years together. I asked him what he wants to do, and he told me that we can do whatever I want to do. I'll probably do some research to find out where we can watch fireworks. I'm not big on going somewhere super crowded, like a bar on New Years.

 

This week should be pretty busy...I'd like to stay on top of everything at work and have a stress free end of the year!

[Batya33]

That is wonderful that you and his family enjoyed each other's company and that you got to see that side of him!

[ms201242]

I forgot to include a short story about something funny that A did this week. On Friday, we woke up early to drive out to some land that his family owns. It needed to be cleaned up so we borrowed his dad's truck and brought some guns along to get some target practice in. I got the disposable ear plugs out of the truck, which come in several different colors. I got 4 out (two for A and two for me), and mismatched the colors. We each had one orange and one purple ear plug. When I handed him his 2, he said "Orange and purple? You know how I get anxiety when I don't match". He was semi-joking, but he does have a bit of OCD and likes things to match, and be neat and orderly all the time.

 

He put them down on the bed of the truck while he got the first gun ready, and ended up sitting on them unintentionally. When he got up, they were completely flat and he couldn't use them. He threw them in the truck and went to get a new pair. I said "Now you won't match me anymore!" also kind of joking and just being silly. A few minutes later, when he walked back over to me from the truck, he had his ear plugs. One was orange and one was purple - he had dug around in the package to find 2 more like the ones I had originally picked out for him It wasn't a huge gesture, but I thought it was cute that he was going along with my silliness and keeping the mood light.

[Batya33]

That's cute! Hope I'm not out of turn but when I would meet and stay with the family I'd follow up with a written thank you note - sounds like you want to make a good impression so hope my suggestion is ok.

[ms201242]

I love that idea! A is going back without me in 3 weeks for Christmas, and I was already thinking of sending a small gift for his mom, grandma, and sister. A handwritten note for his mom and grandma would be perfect to go with it

[ms201242]

Last night, out of nowhere, A sent me a text saying "I am so lucky to have you in my life". I thought that was really sweet and asked him what made him say that. He said he "just wanted to say it". Then he told me he had just gotten off the phone with his family and everyone had asked about me and my dog, and told him to tell me hello. That was a nice feeling also.

 

I bought new Christmas decorations yesterday so I'm excited to put them up tonight!

[ms201242]

Work has been slow lately; I haven't had any overtime at all. Really stinks when it comes to my budget. Hopefully it picks up again soon. My company does raises in April and I'm hoping for a decent one...that would be much needed and appreciated.

 

This weekend should be fun. A's holiday party for work is Friday and mine is Saturday. I've met at least a dozen of his coworkers but he's never met any of mine so it'll be uncharted territory haha. I think it'll go well though.

[ms201242]

This weekend was a lot of fun! A and I went to his company's holiday party on Friday. It was at a 5 star restaurant, and his company had rented out the entire place for the night. This was easily a $50,000 party. The meal was fantastic, everyone got gifts that were valued around $150 at the end of the night, and other prizes worth upwards of $5,000 were raffled off. It was fun to dress up and meet dozens of his coworkers who he tells me about but I had never met. There was probably close to 300 people in attendance, if not more.

 

Most of the introductions were quick and simple; A did the introducing, we shook hands, and continued to make our way through the room. However, when we got to the table where his department was sitting, everyone was so incredibly nice, and at least 4 people said that they had heard lots of good things about me, etc. Someone even came up to me and told me that she just wanted to tell me I looked beautiful. I thought that was nice of her to go out of her way. Overall, it was a great time and I am very grateful to have been able to go as A's date.

 

Last night we went to my company party. It was much more relaxed as my company is very small, but it was a fun time nonetheless. A fit in very well with my coworkers, and I'm looking forward to hearing their opinions on Monday. Hehe.

 

This morning, A and I were talking about our Christmas gifts to each other, and he told me that my "surprise" will be coming after christmas, and that I will have to go with him to pick it up. I have no idea what it could be, but I'm really looking forward to it!!

[ms201242]

Had a decent Christmas weekend. I spent Christmas Eve at my aunt's new home. It's a gorgeous house that was just built this year and is decorated beautifully. However, something just felt off. My aunt got married to her husband (who is the father of her 18 & 21 year old children) exactly a year ago. While their children were growing up, he was a totally absentee, good for nothing father who never once paid child support or took time to see his kids. In fact, my aunt was married to someone else for the majority of those years, and her kids actually called (and still do call) him dad rather than their biological dad. The kids didn't see their "real" dad for years at a time. When he found out that my aunt and her ex-husband had decided on an amicable divorce, he sort of swooped in and convinced my aunt that he had totally changed and regretted all his past mistakes, and they got married within 2 months. Now, my aunt and I are only 10 years apart in age and have always been very close. We'd spend every holiday together, make short weekend trips, and text all the time. This entire weekend just felt so different. My aunt hardly spoke to me. Her husband walked around being arrogant and "showing off" his big new house. When it was time to go to sleep he stayed up with the TV on a very loud volume until 4 AM, not bothering to turn it down when I nicely asked after trying to fall asleep for 2 hours. I just felt very unwelcome and probably will choose not to spend holidays there very often.

 

I spent Christmas day with my dad's family and A. Now that was a good time. We ate, played games, watched TV, ate some more, played outside, etc. A finally got to meet a few members of that side of my family and they just adored him. We spent several hours there, and then A and myself headed home, since we hadn't seen each other in about 10 days. We spent the rest of the evening talking about how our weeks had been and I let him open the gift I bought him, which I am pretty sure he loved. Today we went and picked up the gift he ordered for me. I loved it! For the sake of being anonymous, i won't post details here, but it was something I desperately needed and just hadn't wanted to spend the money on as it is fairly costly (anywhere from $150-$250).

[ms201242]

I had my annual gyno exam a little over a week ago, and ever since I've been having super sharp pains in my lower pelvic area. They are becoming more and more frequent. At first, I had the pain only once or twice a day. Now, it's about once every hour. Also, I noticed that it most often happens when I'm sitting or lying down, and then stand up. As soon as I am standing the pain begins like clockwork. Lasts about 30 seconds and then it's gone. The pain almost feels like a UTI, but I don't have the frequent urge to pee or any other symptoms. Nothing burns. It also feels like period cramps, but my period isn't due for another week. I usually don't experience cramps or pain until I actually start my period. I guess if this doesn't go away within the next couple days I'll be making another trip to the doctor. My actual doctor is out of the country for the next 3 weeks so I'm not sure what the office will suggest.

[Batya33]

As far as the pelvic pain, is their blood/discharge/spotting involved? Is your period due in about two weeks? I had that years ago -turned out to be in my case uterine polyps (benign, no big deal, removed in a simple procedure). In my 30s I stopped spotting mid-cycle but still felt when I was ovulating. I would get it checked out but I think waiting is ok as long as no heavy bleeding or more significant pain than you are describing (not a doctor! just went through something like this). Hope you feel better.

[ms201242]

No bleeding or spotting whatsoever...not even a little bit. The good news is that today's pain was nothing compared to yesterday, so that's a step in the right direction!

[ms201242]

Over the last month I think I've received so many pieces of intense news, and I think it's time I finally put it all down on "paper" and clear my thoughts. I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable than usual after all this so please be kind...this post may be a bit long also so I apologize in advance.

 

In my last post I mentioned the gyno exam that I had recently been to, in early December. What I didn't include in my post is that my doctor told me that my ovaries are quite small for my age and that I could have trouble getting pregnant in the future due to a smaller than ideal quantity of eggs remaining. No testing was done that day as there was really no need to at this point, outside of my own curiosity. It was sort of understood from her comments that if, when I get to the family planning stage of life, I have trouble getting pregnant, I would need to look further into this. This news was so hard to hear. I absolutely love kids and one of the things I look forward to most in life is having a family. I'd love to have 2 or 3 kids, although I'd be okay with only having 1 of my own, and adopting another (adoption has also always been a dream of mine).

 

After the gyno appointment that day I had several things/errands planned, but instead I went home and cried. I had taken the day off work so I was home alone. I felt so incredibly disappointed and depressed, even though I knew in the back of my mind that it was nothing more than an observation by my doctor, and nothing official. When I saw A later that day, I couldn't even tell him without crying. I was so afraid that this would be a deal breaker for him. He was so sweet; he gave me a huge hug and told me that it wasn't even a factor for him and that everything would be okay.

 

Then, shortly after I made my last post, I received a call from the same doctor telling me that my lab results came back abnormal and that I have HPV. I immediately started shaking and couldn't even think straight. I try to be as careful as I can with my sexual health and so this was also really hard to hear. I've had the vaccination and my lab results last year were totally normal (I can still access those results online), which means I more than likely contracted this in the last year. I've been with A for almost that entire year, although there were a few others I slept with shortly before meeting him. I don't recall not using a condom with any of those men, but it can be transmitted even with the use of a condom, and because men cannot be tested for HPV, I have no way of knowing who gave it to me. I have a colposcopy scheduled for the end of this month. I did a decent amount of research and I am thinking that anything that comes up should be manageable since it was caught so young and I do make an effort to have yearly exams, etc, but it is still hard to hear.

 

Now for the kicker...referencing my last post again, I have been experiencing pelvic pain since mid December. As I said above, it felt almost like a mix between a UTi and period cramps, but no bleeding or frequent urination or burning. My period wasn't late and after I received the call about the HPV I thought maybe the pain was related to that. Well, fast forward a week and...no period. I took not one, not two, but three pregnancy tests and they were all immediately positive. Again, I was in shock for the 3rd time in just a few short weeks. I don't recall missing any pills last month, although admittedly I probably didn't always take them at the exact same time. I had and still have NO other symptoms other than this pelvic pain. I immediately started experiencing a mix of joy, horror, excitement, terror, etc. I was horrified of telling A and what his response might be.

 

I asked him to come over just a couple days later, and told him what I had found out. He was probably more shocked than I was. He hardly had words at all, although he did tell me that this wouldn't break our relationship, that we would work through it together, and that he knew it wasn't my fault. I started crying and he wiped the tears from my face and told me not to cry. Then he started talking about how neither of us is ready, that it's too soon, etc., all of which I already knew. I asked if he wanted me to get an abortion, and he said that he knew it's a lot to ask of me, but that yes, he did want an abortion. It caught me a bit off guard but at the same time I was half expecting that kind of response. He stayed with me that night and was very sweet.

 

Over the next couple days, things were 200% normal. In fact, we hardly talked about the situation at all, other than him agreeing to pay for at least half of the procedure and taking off work to go with me. However, as the days went on and I was constantly looking things up about pregnancy, etc., abortion sounded like it would be more difficult every hour. I suspect that I am right around 5 weeks.

 

A few days ago, A asked if I had picked a clinic out or made an appointment. I told him that I did find one that seems safe, but that I couldn't go through with making the appointment until he can tell me without a doubt that this is what he wants and that he's not taking the easy way out. I also told him that we should each take a week to really think about this and what our lives would look like if we chose not to abort. He told me that he would support whatever decision I make and be there with me every step of the way, and that when his niece was born 4 years ago it brought his family closer together & he wondered if this baby would do the same. But, he also said that even in a weeks time he will more than likely not change his mind, and still prefer the abortion. I also told him that I am truly afraid that if I do go through with the abortion, that I would grow to unintentionally resent him for making that choice. When I said that, he seemed to have a sharp reaction, and I could tell in that moment, my statement made him think.

 

I'm so torn. I keep telling myself that it took me over a week to realize I didn't truly want an abortion. For the first 6 days of that week, that's what I DID want. It took time to really process it, and A hasn't had as much time as I have. We will talk again in just a few days and I really hope he has changed his mind. I know it's technically my choice, but this is a choice I would prefer to make together. I would hate myself for having this baby if he truly didn't want it. I haven't told any one else other than 2 good friends, neither of whom have provided a strong opinion one way or the other.

 

For the sake of finally ending this post, here are a few bullet points of what it might look like if I go through with the pregnancy that I have been thinking about:

-Move in together in ~6 months when our leases end (we both pay a ridiculous amount of rent so we would be saving)

-I get 8 weeks paid maternity leave at 100% pay for the majority of that time and 80% of the remainder

-My company offers many flexible options, and I have several coworkers who have children and work from home full time. I would try to arrange a similar situation with my boss and avoid paying expensive child care

-If I did need to go into the office part time, we could afford child care for a few days a week, and my mom & grandparents also live within 30 minutes and have several days off per week

[notalady]

Wow that was a roller coaster ride to read! I was about to write so sorry to hear about your potential fertility issues, then read that you're pregnant! Unsure if I should say congratulations, but definitely take your time to make the right decision, don't rush into doing anything. Would you regret it if you have an abortion? Would you regret it if you HYPOTHETICALLY have trouble getting pregnant in the future when time is right (knowing now that you may have issues)? And alternatively, would you regret keeping the baby if you guys don't work out?

 

Seems like you already have a plan in place, in case if you want to keep the baby. I suggest you also have a plan just for you, without A, in case things don't work out with him.

 

I can only imagine it's an extremely hard decision, and yes it would be ideal if you both want to keep the baby (it sounds to me like you're leaning towards keeping..), but ultimately, you have to make a decision that you likely won't regret.

 

As for HPV, since you've had the vaccination, it's probably not type 16 and 18 (the main cancer causing strains), does the test tell you which strain it is/is not? Honestly, HPV is so common, I wouldn't worry about it, majority of cases resolve by itself. Is the abnormalities low grade or moderate or high? If it's low, it will almost definitely resolve on its own without intervention. Would be good to find out how it affects your pregnancy, if you decide to keep it that is.

 

Also, BIG HUGS FOR YOU!

[Batya33]

Second what NAL wrote -reluctant to give input on how you should proceed since what I would do is crystal clear -and, completely irrelevant!

[ms201242]

Ahh thank you both. I think the worst part is that I haven't talked to anyone in my family about any of this stuff, and I think that would help. Just trying to choose who I talk to carefully to minimize judgement and steering towards certain outcomes.

 

Notalady - the doctor didn't tell me much over the phone in regards to the strain of HPV or other details (I am assuming I will get that info in person or when the biopsy is complete), but the lab results I have access to online do say "high risk".

 

As far as the potential regret surrounding an abortion and potentially not having children in the future - it would devastate me which is part of the reason the decision is so hard for me. You are correct in that I am leaning towards keeping it.

 

Batya - I am curious. Even if it is irrelevant, what would you do in this situation?

 

And lastly, thanks to you both for the feedback and Internet hugs

[Batya33]

It's irrelevant because I never had sex with anyone except one man who would have wanted me to have an abortion and I never had sex with anyone who I couldn't see marrying and having a family with. With the exception -I stupidly agreed that I would abort if that happened -very stupid because had that happened I don't think I could have gone through with it. Fortunately it all was fine and we only dated 5 months.

 

So 110% I would have kept the baby but irrelevant because while the timing might have been off it would not have been a true accident. I always used birth control unless we both wanted to try or at least see if I'd get pregnant.

 

Do I understand right that he wants a child, just not right now?

[ms201242]

Ahh, I see. I can absolutely see myself having a family with A, the hard part is knowing he feels differently /right now/ albeit almost understandably.

 

To answer your question, yes, he does want at least one child. I think I forgot to mention this in my post last night, but the day he found out he told me that I'm the person he wants this to happen with, just not right now. I was really glad to hear that from him.

[ms201242]

I am in my late 20's and he is in his early 30's. This isn't a high school or teenage "oops" and I feel like we should take responsibility, not take the easy way out. While it might put pressure on our relationship, we love each other and I do believe we can make it work.

[notalady]

Can you remind me how long have you been together? I forgot.

 

Age wise, I think you're definitely both at an age where having a child wouldn't be considered too young. How is he financially and career wise?

[Batya33]

Ahh, I see. I can absolutely see myself having a family with A, the hard part is knowing he feels differently /right now/ albeit almost understandably.

 

To answer your question, yes, he does want at least one child. I think I forgot to mention this in my post last night, but the day he found out he told me that I'm the person he wants this to happen with, just not right now. I was really glad to hear that from him.

 

So what is bad about the timing at this point where he would want you to abort when you are on the fence about it? He was having sex with you with only one form of birth control, right? A good form, of course, but I know when I didn't want to get pregnant (well, meaning I needed the extra protection) we used pill plus condom. I don't think this relationship will survive if you have an abortion - on the other hand I'd hate to see someone have a baby outside of a loving, involved, two parent family and if he's going to be all resentful "bad timing" etc that's not in the best interests of the child either.

 

I feel like I should throw out there that there is also adoption if you would feel better about not aborting.

[ms201242]

Can you remind me how long have you been together?

 

It will be a year in just a few weeks.

 

Age wise, I think you're definitely both at an age where having a child wouldn't be considered too young. How is he financially and career wise?

 

He is doing great financially. He's an engineer who went to a prestigious university and has worked for the same company for 5+ years. While I don't know specific amounts, I know he contributes quite a bit to his 401k. He has no student loans or car loans. In my opinion, his worst financial habit is that he has several hobbies related to collecting things, which can get quite expensive. I've seen him spend over $1500 in one day on collectors items. And honestly, I think that is part of what he is afraid to "give up" if we have this baby.

 

So what is bad about the timing at this point where he would want you to abort when you are on the fence about it?

 

He is a very logical thinker by nature, and in his mind, we aren't doing things in the "right" order. Even though he's not religious, he still wants things to happen a certain way - date for an extended period of time, get engaged and plan a small wedding over the course of a year or so, then get married, then buy a house, THEN start thinking about children. If we did things that way he'd be close to 35 by the time we had our first kid. This is just observation on my part, but I think some of it also might have to do with the fact that between both of us, we are friends with probably a dozen married couples who are all close to our age, and only ONE of those couples has a child, which was just born not even 6 months ago.

 

and if he's going to be all resentful

 

I guess I should point out that he's assured me he's not going anywhere no matter what I choose, just that it's not the outcome he'd prefer. I told him that there was a possibility I'D be resentful if we went through with the abortion - not the other way around. Even though our desired outcomes differ, he's been as supportive as I can expect him to be.

 

I've seen him around his niece, and he loves that little girl. He goes above and beyond for her because due to certain factors with her own parents, she doesn't have much. I'd like to think that if we keep this baby he will be a wonderful dad, and will become excited as soon as the hard part of telling our families, bosses, etc., is over. He's coming over tonight so we will most certainly talk about the situation and I will send an update soon.

[notalady]

In terms of the order of things happening, I personally prefer something like that too. And dating for one year IS quite soon to have a child. So if you weren't already pregnant, it of course makes sense to wait. But since you are already pregnant, and you both are financially secure and age appropriate, and one year isn't too short (many choose to be engaged by 1 year, and married by 1.5 to 2 years), the order of things happening perhaps should go lower down on the priority list when considering whether to keep the baby.

[Batya33]

Right order? So then I guess having sex before marriage and risking pregnancy (which you do, every single time) is not exempt from his "right order" analysis. And why does "right order" include a year planning a small wedding (6.5 weeks in my case) and why in the world must you have a house before having a child? When our son was born we lived in my 600 sq foot apartment for the first 3 months. We live in an apartment now and have not bought a house yet. Son is almost 8. Honestly, if he is that hung up on "right order" down to those specific details be really careful about having a child with him. Most children wreak havoc on order, routine, etc -even the best behaved kids -kids get sick, have tantrums that can ruin or really affect what was planned, kids mean rescheduling all the time especially with activities involving other kids, etc. I absolutely agree it's best to be married first -this from a woman who tried to conceive before being officially engaged - but if you're going to have sex, you risk pregnancy and that might throw a wrench into his order of things. It's just about life and creating a life.

 

Having read all you wrote, if I were you I would not abort as long as he will be an involved father and you two would still get married ,etc. If you think he's going to leave you and not be an involved father I would personally go for adoption over abortion (again, very personal decision) if at all possible.