A Recollection of Online Dating (mis)Adventures

[notalady]

It's an awesome feeling - to look forward to seeing where you go!

[ms201242]

It sure is! Geez this week has been BUSY! I spent 16 hours away from home today and I am beat. To say I am looking forward to Friday is an understatement. Speaking of which, I am going out of town this weekend and will only get to spend a few hours with A before leaving. We usually spend the whole weekend together so although it's kind of a bummer, it'll be nice to miss him for a few days. It's so important to maintain friendships and familial relationships while dating someone and to not focus on that person 100% of the time, so that is exactly what each of us is doing this weekend, but separately. I will miss our usual lazy weekend, but we already have plans for the next 4(!) weekends in a row so maybe it'll be good to spend some time apart before then

[ms201242]

Feeling down today. Just one of those days I guess. Been feeling this for most of this week. Not sure if it's because I haven't had any time to myself or what. Long story, I had to skip my birth control for a week and that's probably causing my hormones to be all out of whack. I start back up tomorrow so hopefully this feeling fades soon.

[ms201242]

Feeling a little bit better now that I've been back on my pills for a few days. I had an incredibly busy weekend out of town and that kept my mind from wandering, which is good. Anyway, back to my original purpose...

 

Date 5: Harry

 

(Harry is mentioned several posts above as "H")

 

Oh boy, not even sure where to begin with this one. I still remember the first message I received from Harry. It said "Hey ms201242, you're a cutie!". I still remember opening the message at work before heading to lunch with a coworker and thinking that I was glad he messaged me as I thought he would be a good match when I came across his profile. For the next few days, Harry and I talked quite a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. The conversation flowed easily and was lighthearted. The first time he called me I was walking my dog but answered any ways. I remember he said "when we meet, you can show me a picture of your dog". The first thought that came to mind was "I didn't realize we were meeting" LOL.

 

Our first date was about a week later - we went to a baseball game. We had great seats; the tickets couldn't have been less than $100 each. I remember getting out of my car where we met, and he was leaning against a tree in his jersey. He was tall and handsome. The date was fun, even though there were a few times where we ran out of things to say. The baseball game was a good distraction from that, though. I learned that he owned his own home (he lived about 45 minutes to an hour from where I lived), had a fairly small family, and had ended a serious relationship less than a year before we met. He and his ex had lived together in his house, but they had a rocky relationship and his family did not like her at all. She didn't work and he had been putting her through school for over a year at the time they broke up.

 

Our second date was just a few days later at a local pizza place. I was incredibly nervous, but had a good time. He worked shift work, so after our second date, I believe a week or so went by before we had our third date on his side of town. I was able to see his home and we went to a local attraction for dinner and drinks. I expected him to invite me to stay over since at this point we had been talking for weeks and seen each other 3 times, but he did not.

[ms201242]

Over the next several weeks, Harry and I continued to see each other and soon disabled our online dating accounts. He told me on our first date that when he started seeing someone, he didn't like to continue pursuing other options. That made me feel very comfortable with him; I appreciated it and did the same. Looking back, there were times where I felt uneasy in our relationship. He wouldn't respond to texts or call me for a day or two at a time, but I justified it by considering his work schedule. He switched from working days to nights twice a week, and that had to have been rough on his sleep schedule. It also prevented us from spending a lot of time together on the weekends, so most of the time we would meet for a few hours at a time, a couple times a week.

 

At the same time, Harry was good about calling most of the time, and he referred to me as his girlfriend, so I tried not to be bothered about some of the inconsistencies we had. In retrospect I should have considered some of these things red flags, but hey, you live and you learn. By 3 months into our relationship, he had met the majority of my family, yet I had met only his brother and nephew. No friends, not his mom, no one. It was still early into the relationship so it didn't bother me too much, but he obviously had reservations about us and I should have recognized that he wasn't reciprocating what I was giving him.

 

4 months into our relationship we had a conversation about how it would be fun to take a weekend trip out of town. Before we knew it, we had planned a full on vacation 3 states away. I was incredibly excited because at this point we still hadn't slept together and I figured the trip would be a good milestone to take things to the next level. Heck, we had just started staying the night with each other at that point.

 

I felt like the trip went really well. He downloaded movies for us to watch on the plane and we snuggled together for the 3 hour flight there. We spent the next 5 days exploring the city and having a good time. We did end up sleeping together, but he had issues towards the end, if you catch my drift. Of course that leads a girl to believe she's doing something wrong, but he told me later that night that he hadn't been with anyone since his ex, and that it was more emotional for him than he thought it would be. Besides that, I had a wonderful time. Little did I know that it was just the start of our break up.

[ms201242]

When we flew home on Sunday night, we drove back to Harry's house (I had left my car there so I needed to go back either way). I expected to stay the night since it was almost midnight by the time we made it back, and we both had the next day off work. However, he made a comment about having a safe drive home so I took the hint and left, but it really hurt my feelings. The next weekend was Thanksgiving and we were both traveling to our own families for the holiday. A few days later I found out he had also taken on a few extra shifts at work after the holiday. Long story short, when all was said and done, we'd have to wait 2 weeks before seeing each other after our trip.

 

I stayed patient during those two weeks, and we talked on the phone most nights. I remember he made a comment about feeling like our relationship was really strong and that we could make it through any obstacle that came our way. Specifically, he had received a call from his ex, who apparently wanted to gather the rest of her things from his home. Apparently, she moved out in a rush and didn't take several boxes with her. Harry said that contact from her had been throwing him off because he didn't expect it.

 

Finally, at the end of the two weeks, we both had a free night, and he invited me over for dinner. It was so nice seeing him. We had dinner and then did a little shopping before going back to his place for the night. We put on a movie and things had just started heating up (for only the 2nd time in our relationship, mind you), when his phone started ringing. He ignored it of course, but couldn't get back into the mood. We went back to watching the movie, but sure enough, his phone rang again a few minutes later. He jolted up and told me I needed to leave. It was his ex calling, and he was "afraid she would just show up at his house and get violent with me". I gathered my things and left, confused and sad and worried. It was after midnight, but my mom lived just a few minutes away, so I went to her house for the night and explained what had happened. I decided to stay the next day at her house, in case he wanted to talk things over. He called me in the evening and told me that he couldn't be with me if his ex was still affecting him in that way. We talked for about an hour, and that was the last I ever heard from him, to this very day.

[ms201242]

Date 6: Jay

 

It only took me a few weeks to get over Harry, himself. It took me much longer to get over the feeling of being rejected and unwanted (or at least being less wanted than someone else), but it took me months to realize how much I was hurting. When I started online dating, I had been single for about a year, so Harry was my first taste of that feeling again (by the time he and I started dating it had been almost 2 years since my last real relationship).

 

Because I thought I was over it so quickly, I was back online within a few weeks. In hindsight I see that this wasn't my brightest idea ever. Almost immediately I received a message from a handsome guy named Jay. He was shorter than me, but had a good job and other qualities that I appreciated. His responses were the length of novels, and I assumed he had to have been interested to write so much and ask so many questions. I was volunteering one night after work when he asked if I would be up for spontaneously grabbing a drink. I said sure, and we met up at a cool bar downtown.

 

My initial impression was that he was much cuter in person than his pictures. He dressed nice and had such a friendly aura. We stayed for a couple hours, ending the night with a goodbye hug but no kiss. We each paid separately, which I was totally fine with.

 

He texted me before I even made it home to tell me he had a good time, and we planned a second date for later that week at a local taco place. This time he paid for the both of us so it felt more like a date. I had a good time, getting to know each other even more. When we said goodbye, we hugged again, but no kiss. Things felt very platonic by the end of the date.

 

We texted a bit over the next few things, but slowly fell out of touch. No harm, no foul. Next!

[ms201242]

Tomorrow, "A" may meet my brother and a few good friends that I haven't had the opportunity of introducing yet. I'm a little nervous but feel that it'll go well. Things have been good this week, but very calm. Next weekend we are taking a short road trip (3-4 hours) and staying the weekend in another city. I'm nervous for that as well!

 

So many things have been going right for me lately....it's been a long while since I've felt this good. Life is good.

[ms201242]

Had a fantastic, lazy weekend with A. Friday night we cooked dinner together and ate while watching a movie. Saturday we got to spend some time with my friends mentioned in my last post. My brother didn't show up, but the day couldn't have gone better. We hung out for 4-5 hours as a group and everyone was very inviting towards him, which I was thankful for. Not that my friends aren't usually nice, but it's always nerve wracking to introduce a significant other. Sunday we took a spontaneous mini road trip to a town a little over an hour away and explored a few places. We got to sleep in every day and just plain relax. I was sad to say goodbye today...already looking forward to next weekend with him.

[ms201242]

Date 7: Mike

 

After Jay, I chose not to meet anyone for a couple months. This was at the beginning of 2015, so just over a year ago. In March of 2015, I began talking to Mike. I don't really remember much of the beginnings of our conversation, but based on his pictures, he was by far the most attractive person who had ever contacted me. He was very persistent in asking me out but I was extremely nervous to meet him, presumably because I thought he was WAY out of my league. I eventually agreed to meet him for drinks, but he switched it to a coffee date just a couple hours before. It was pouring down rain that evening and he was late. When he showed up, I had to keep myself from laughing out loud because he was wearing orange skinny jeans with a purple shirt. However, he made them look damn good so I looked past it. We stayed for a couple hours without running out of things to talk about; I was having a good time. So, when he asked if I would like to join him at his place for a movie afterwards, I said yes. I was fully aware that he intended to sleep with me, but since my ex and I were not exactly sexually active, it had been the better part of a year since I'd had quality action.

 

I expected not to hear from Mike ever again, but a few days later he texted to ask if he could see me again. Very long story short, Mike and I found ourselves in a faux relationship that developed over the course of the next year. It started out with us seeing each other once every couple weeks and evolved into something much more. We began talking every day, seeing each other 3-4 times a week, and neither of us was seeing anyone else. However, we weren't committed to each other and didn't dare refer to each other as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". We didn't meet each others friends, but we cooked for each other, spent most weekends together, talked for hours on end, etc.

 

At first, I had no romantic feelings for Mike. He was incredibly attractive and our chemistry was out of this world. But, I just had this gut feeling that we were incompatible in the long run. Of course, as time went on, I did develop feelings for him. But, keep in mind, this happened over the course of an entire year. Throughout that year, I tried seeing other people but no one really caught my interest, so I continued things with Mike. For perspective's sake, it's now 15 months later, and I STILL hear from Mike every few days, even though he is aware I am happily dating A.

 

When I did begin dating A, I told Mike about it before I even met A. I told him that I had a date planned with someone who was very promising, and that I couldn't continue to see him. Also for perspective, as I mentioned above, I saw other people but never once did I feel it was important to tell Mike. This just reinforces the validity of my relationship with A, for me. Anyway, Mike did not take it well when I told him i couldn't see him anymore. If he knew I was on a date with A, it would drive him crazy. He would text me, send me pictures, etc - anything to distract me from A. He began asking me weekly if my new relationship had failed, and admitted that he felt that he and I had something unique and special and that he missed me.

 

Even to me, this sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but it's kind of difficult for me to articulate what I had with Mike. I wanted him, but I didn't want him. He wanted me, but he also didn't want me. I agreed to meet with him for closure about 3 months ago. We talked things over, and I cried on the drive home. It hurt to say goodbye, but I knew I had to do it, and I haven't looked back since.

[ms201242]

Aaron and I just got home from our first "out of town" weekend together (not the wedding mentioned a few pages prior to this; he found out that an event he was interested in was coming to a town in a state next to ours, so we went on a semi-spontaneous road trip). All in all, I had a great time. I wasn't too interested in the event, but it was nice to spend time together, and it was also fun to see him so excited over some of the things we saw. We didn't have a single disagreement all weekend (which means we must travel well together [so far]).

 

I am not sure how many others feel this way or get this way in relationships, but every now and then I will come up with things in my head that I am unhappy about. I don't do it intentionally, it is completely bratty, and I have no reason to feel this way at all. It happens over COMPLETELY trivial things. For example, this morning I was feeling grumpy because I really wanted Aaron to put his arm around me while we were cuddling in bed because most of the time I am the one doing the cuddling. There are few things I enjoy more than someone I love (or really like) wrapping their body around me while we slowly wake up. I understand how ridiculous this is. He can't read my mind. I should be feeling thankful that he even enjoys cuddling, because a lot of my ex boyfriends did not. It is the definition of nit picking and I have no good reason for it. Plus, simply asking him to put his arm around me would solve this without me needing to feel "hurt". I obviously didn't bring it up. Later, as we were walking into a restaurant for lunch, he held the door open for me after I tried to open it for him first. I had this "awww" moment, because I realized that he goes out of his way to do small things for me all the time. Everywhere we go, he opens and holds the door for me. If we are walking down the street, most of the time he will grab my hand and hold it while we walk. He includes me in almost all of his work functions. If we cook dinner, he will clear the table after we eat while I put up the leftovers. If we are at a restaurant and he gets up to get a refill of his drink, he refills mine too. The lesson here is that if you are ever feeling like your SO isn't doing some small act exactly how YOU want it, think about all the things they do RIGHT that you might not always notice.

 

When we said our usual Sunday night goodbye, he told me that he had a great weekend and thanked me for being a fun travel partner. I feel so incredibly lucky right now.

[ms201242]

So incredibly bummed right now. I posted an individual thread about this last night, so I won't go into too much detail here, but A and I just found out that he may be relocated by his company. Our relationship is still so new that it's impossible to know if we will be able to sustain a long distance relationship. I don't even know if he's even willing to try, or if he'll want to take a break while he's gone. Once the details are hammered out, I'm sure we'll have a pretty heavy conversation to figure things out, but I can't help but fear the worst. My gut tells me that things will work out for us, but I know the fear won't be going away anytime soon.

 

The good part is that although it's long term (over a year but likely less than 2 years), it's temporary, and he already told me he plans on coming back to the city where we both live now when the assignment is complete. I would think that having a "light at the end of the tunnel" would make a huge impact on the LDR, making it more likely that we'd make it through. I had a good friend whose SO was relocated for work, but it was a permanent assignment. She stayed in one city, while he stayed in the other, 2000 miles away. Neither would agree to move to where the other was and obviously it ended about a year later. To me, that's just silly. There's no end result, no common goal.

 

Just when life starts to become too good to be true, something always comes along to knock you right back down

[notalady]

Oh that's a bummer! It'd be hard to maintain a LDR when you're still so new.

[ms201242]

Made it back from our cross country trip and had a really good time. I couldn't have asked for a better date to bring with me. We make a really good team if I do say so myself.

 

I've been reading and watching videos about the events in Orlando. Some of them have had interesting viewpoints, such as one account where the reporter commented on how the victims phones continuously rang as family members called to make sure they were okay. That's just haunting.

[ms201242]

Date 8: Jon

 

This was one of those situations where the guy came on waaayyyy too strong, and I got my hopes up waaayyyy too high, admittedly naively. Jon first messaged me last summer, right before things with Mike got semi-serious. I really didn't want to stay stagnant with my FWB relationship with Mike; I was honestly looking for a real relationship at this point. It had been 6 months since my breakup and I felt healed.

 

Jon and I messaged constantly for 2-3 weeks. Obviously I now know that this is not a great tactic. He began calling me at night and we would talk for 2-3 hours at a time. We really got to know each other as well as you can before meeting in person. My main issue with Jon was that he wasn't aggressive enough in trying to meet me. He would suggest that it would be fun to get together, but there was no follow through. Every time we attempted to make plans, something always seemed to come up. One night I was out with a few friends for drinks, and it turned out that Jon and I were both free afterwards. We met up for a drink, and before I knew it we were back at my place, sleeping together. I was just one bad judgement call after another with this guy. When we met, I wasn't blown away by him, but I didn't not like him. However, after that night, it was radio silence. He texted me about a week later but seemed disinterested compared to how he was before we hooked up. Oddly enough, I still talk to him every now and then. We developed an odd friendship, and I even went to a baseball game with him and some of his family members not too long ago.

 

At the end of the day, it just wasn't meant to be.

[ms201242]

I absolutely love how A goes out of his way to do things for me sometimes. I'm not talking about anything extravagant, but things that take thoughtfulness and effort. Without giving too much detail, I have a situation at home right now that I can manage by myself, but is extremely difficult. I explained it to A and he immediately said he would come over to help me. He spent a few hours here tonight and we had a good time as always. He lives 30 (more with traffic) minutes away, so I thought it was nice of him to offer, especially since he's been driving to me far more often than I drive to him lately.

 

Even though I'll see him tomorrow per our usual weekend plans, I was glad to spend some extra time with him. I don't recall if I mentioned this, but we found out it will be at least 6 months before he relocates. I am thrilled to be able to make the best of a bad situation. If we are still together at that point in time, it will have been almost a full year, and we will be much more stable in terms of beginning a long distance relationship (albeit fairly temporarily). I could be imagining it, but it seems like ever since we found out that he will be leaving, we've spent a lot more time together than usual. I'm talking 4-5 days a week rather than 2-3. I'm definitely making a conscious effort not to take this time for granted

[ms201242]

Well, it seems I spoke too soon, because something came up unexpectedly this weekend so we won't get to spend much time together. I'm bummed, but I have to say it is nice getting to roam around with no pants and watch whatever I want!

[ms201242]

As much as I hate to admit it, I was pretty upset when he told me at the last minute today that he had to cancel our plans. My first reaction what that it was kind of inconsiderate of him to wait until the end of the day to tell me, and also felt that he was blowing me off. I can admit that I don't take disappointment well, and that's something I need to work on.

 

The more I thought about it, I realized that it truly wasn't his fault (although he could have handled it better) and that he was just trying to do the best he could to keep everyone happy. I could have easily gotten upset with him but chose to not fight that battle. Looking forward to next weekend instead!

[notalady]

What was the unexpected thing that came up?

[ms201242]

A friend was coming up for the weekend and he expected the friend to be staying with someone else, but that changed. He ended up needing to let the friend stay with him and entertain him for the weekend.

[notalady]

Are you guys not at the stage of meeting friends yet or..?

[notalady]

Just to add that I would've been disappointed too, not just at the cancellation but the fact that I didn't get an alternative option - invite to hang out with him and his friend (and of course it's up to you if you accept, but at least it's an option).

[ms201242]

No, we've both met the majority of each other's friends, and I've met this particular friend a couple different times. We will actually all be hanging out today for a little while. Where the "problem" comes from is that A and I live about 30 minutes from each other, so we usually spend the entire weekend together to avoid a lot of back and forth driving. Because that was our plan, I didn't make any other plans for this weekend. When he told me at the last minute, I was stuck with no plans, sitting at home on a Friday night. He's never done this to me before and I get that it's not 100% his fault, I just feel very much like an afterthought with the way he handled it. I'm kind of struggling between being a pushover and being a nag, so any input is appreciated. Sometimes when you're upset about something, it's hard to really see the big picture and handle it correctly.

[notalady]

Ok now I see. I think I would just let this go and if it happens again (cancellation of plans, unless it's an emergency or urgent work situation), I would be talking to him about it.

[ms201242]

Thank you, notalady. I think you are absolutely right