A Recollection of Online Dating (mis)Adventures

[ms201242]

On a totally different note, I had a picture from the most recent wedding we went to printed out and I bought a frame to put it in. I got this for A (I plan on getting one for myself too but am waiting for the professional pictures). When I told him about it, he was excited and said "you're so good to me". That made me smile. I feel appreciated.

[ms201242]

Traffic...the WORST part of living in a huge city. Heading to another concert tonight, if I make it in time

[ms201242]

I have a feeling that what I am about to post is going to make me come across as needy, but I'm going to say it anyway, because it's how I'm feeling.

 

When A and I first started dating, he texted me ALL THE TIME. I know that it's normal for that to kind of taper off as you develop a relationship. It wasn't overbearing or anything, and it didn't bother me at all. We didn't text constantly, but kept a consistent conversation going almost every day. After a couple months or so, the all day conversations stopped, and we developed a routine of communication. Every morning I would get a good morning text, and we'd have a short conversation about our plans for the day. He'd text me again around lunch time and we'd have another short conversation. We'd both go to the gym after work, and then text from about 7:30 - bedtime. Every couple days he would call instead of texting.

 

Now, several months later, things are tapering off even more. I still get a morning text, but sometimes don't even get a response to mine. I usually don't hear from him again until he gets home from the gym after work. I understand he's busy at work, but so am I, and I can find 30 seconds to spare to say hello. I try not to let it bother me because things are great when we are in person, but I hate that it's starting to feel like a different relationship in that respect. When I'm in a relationship with someone, I want that person to be my best friend, my confidant, someone who shares the monotonous boring details of their day with me.

 

Even though from my paragraphs above it sounds like he's doing most of the work, I initiate conversations quite a bit, and I almost always keep the conversation going. He'll give me mostly 1 or 2 word responses and only change his pattern if I don't respond (and even then it takes hours sometimes).

 

This past weekend, I was trying to coordinate plans on both Friday and Saturday. For example, in my last post I was on my way to a concert and was meeting him at the venue since it was in the town he works in. I texted him 3 times to try to figure things out and he didn't bother to respond to any of them for almost 2 hours, as I was starting to get very nervous and anxious about coordinating our meet up because it was a huge concert and I knew the crowds and traffic would be crazy. I didn't want to call him because he was still at the office and I never know who he's working with on particular days. The next day, he had to go into the office for a while but we had plans in the evening that I had to coordinate with my family. Again, I texted him 3 times over the course of 3 hours before I finally got a response. It just felt very inconsiderate. Today, I texted him around lunch time to tell him something important, and never got a response. I still haven't heard from him since this morning. This sort of pattern is happening more and more often as time goes on.

 

Again, I feel sort of whiny, but I just don't know how to approach this. If I do it when I'm heated, I will probably over react. However, if I do it when I'm not upset about it, I won't get my point across effectively, because I don't have it in me to stay mad at someone I love. I just don't. Any advice?

[notalady]

So things are good in person? Be totally honest with yourself about it, is there absolutely no sign of things cooling off or something not feeling right in person?

[notalady]

He may not like chit chatting all day in text, I don't like it myself. It feels like you're texting just for the sake of it and it gets boring. I rather leave it to in person.

 

However if he doesn't respond for hours when you text something important like trying to firm up plans, that's being inconsiderate.

 

And while I'm not a fan of all day chit chat in text, in my past relationships, a change in texting behaviour (from hot to cold) always indicated a cool off in interest.

[Batya33]

I think it's best not to feel mad when you have a point to make - being clear headed and explaining how you did feel, in a calm way, is far more productive IMO.

 

My husband and I have known each other for a total of 13 years. We now text a bit more because we got smartphones, finally, in May! When we were dating long distance our routine was to email back and forth a few times during the day and speak every night on the phone between 30-45 minutes. I don't relate to texting as meaningful communication -sounds like a majority of it is focused on checking in and kind of keeping each other around like a security blanket while you chit chat. I think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Far better to set aside 20-30 minutes a day when you don't see each other to have a conversation about your day or whatever is going on, IMO. I know I'm from a different generation (we are in our late 40s/50) -just sharing a different perspective.

 

If he's not reliably responding to a message that requires a response, yes I think that is inconsiderate.

[ms201242]

I totally agree that texting can be a security blanket, and probably is in my case. The part that I don't like is how we start at a certain level, and then it slowly trickles down to only a small amount of regular, frequent communication. I truly don't think his interest is cooling off, but you can never be too cautious.

 

A's company is in the beginning stages of a HUGE project (we're talking multi billions). A potentially life changing project that could mean big things for both he and his company, and is the whole reason why he is being relocated. He is working long hours (16+ hour days, at least once a week), which explains why he doesn't always text me back when he's at work. The weekend is a different story, but if it happens again I will ask him about it.

 

I ended up sending him a message last night that said "is everything okay? I noticed you didn't respond earlier and you normally do so I just wanted to check on you". I thought that was a pretty laid back way of pointing out that he ignored me but still showing that I'm concerned. He responded immediately and said they had just been incredibly busy all day/night and we ended up having a short conversation. He sent me a sweet text before saying goodnight, which said he hoped I had a great day and that he wanted to hear about it tomorrow (which would be today).

 

This morning, he sent me his usual good morning text and included a kiss face & heart emoji which is cheesy but also sweet. He also checked in on me around lunch time. I don't think he did this to appease me, but to reassure me.

 

I don't expect nor want constant communication every day, but it was nice to get some reassurance from him after a few difficult days. If it gets bad, I will bring it up but try to do it in a way that is not confrontational.

[Batya33]

My husband and I dated long distance for 3 years. We saw each other about every 11 days when we were long distance. As mentioned we spoke once a day at night usually, sometimes twice, and sent a few emails during the day. Checking in was reserved for actual safety issues or if one of us was sick, had a crisis, etc.

 

In that time period I felt insecure/needed reassurance once, for about 6 hours. He was at all day meetings but I thought his schedule was such that he could check in in between -turned out he was in back to back meetings. We'd been dating for about 7 months (and had dated in the past). I remember feeling insecure for part of that time and relieved, when I saw him that night, that all was ok (I didn't say much about it at all).

 

I personally would have found your text too much/overwhelming but each couple is different. If you're feeling that insecure, and that often, at this point then I'd keep an eye on why that is. I felt that way with guys who were hot/cold.

[ms201242]

I can see how my text could have come across as insecure, but like you said every relationship is different, and I think it was fine for our dynamic. I try not to be needy and in general I'm not insecure (we all have our moments lol). I think some of it may be generational differences also. I'm in my late 20's, so the majority of my life has revolved around new age communication styles, social media, Etc. Not necessarily advocating for it, just observing. The root of my message was genuine concern, so I'm not going to dwell on it too much. As always though, I appreciate your thoughts

 

Today we firmed up some plans for the long weekend. We are going to take a mini road trip to a city that's about 4 hours away. He went to college in that city and many of his friends still live there. We are going to stay with a friend of his. I'm excited for him to show me around his old stomping grounds! A few months ago (when we flew across the country for a wedding) I showed him around my college campus which was a lot of fun. It should be a fun time.

 

My dad happens to live in the city we are traveling to, but I'm not going to try to organize a meetup. A just met my grandparents last weekend, and my mom a few weeks before that, so I think that would be too much too fast. We are taking another trip next month, so if the timing is right, maybe I'll introduce him to my dad then.

[Batya33]

Whatever works for you two! My sense was that your main concern was need for reassurance, not for his well-being. Sounds like a fun plan!

[ms201242]

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. We had so much fun!

 

We drove up Saturday morning and met up with some of A's friends for breakfast. Then we headed to the campus where A attended college and he showed me around briefly. He went to one of the largest universities in the country so there was a lot to see. We got tickets to a volleyball game which was super exciting. His friends couldn't/didn't want to go so it was just the two of us. Afterwards we met up with a group of people for a local event. We drove separately, and when the event was over, we all started walking towards the parking garage. A pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to take a walk through a garden type area before we left. I felt like it was quite romantic of him to do that...we held hands and enjoyed the city's skyline and some pretty fountains before leaving and meeting up with his friends again for a drink at a local pub. If I didn't know better and we had been dating longer than we have, that would've been the perfect place for a proposal

 

We spent all day Sunday tailgating with a huge group which was slightly overwhelming but still a good time. A and I snuck out for a few hours and took a longer walk around campus. He showed me his old dorm, apartment, and where a lot of his classes were.

 

Today we slept in and got breakfast before heading home. On the way out of the city he took a detour and we stopped at an area where you can take a short hike up to a beautiful overlook. You can see the majority of the city from the overlook and there's a few other trails that take you to other views. I thought that was sweet of A; he was so excited to show me. We took a few pictures with the skyline behind us.

 

Of all the people we hung out with this weekend, I had only met one of them before, and that was one time a few months ago. However, I felt right at home with everyone. They all treated me kindly, involved me in their conversations, and I felt really comfortable around them.

 

Overall, it was a great time and I feel even closer to A than I did before. When I got home and he left, I downloaded some new music. I came across a song called "in case you didn't know" by Brett Young. When I heard the lyrics I thought of A immediately. I'm a happy girl tonight.

[ms201242]

Kind of excited about the new budget I've been following. I get paid twice a month (on the 15th and last day of the month), but my pay varies because I receive a decent amount of overtime, as well as a monthly bonus that can vary greatly. Some months I'll have tons of disposable income and other months things will be really tight. In the past, I've struggled a lot with adjusting my budget from month to month to avoid living paycheck to paycheck. The sad part is that I earn an impressive salary; some months I just spend it on unnecessary things.

 

So, what I've started doing is withdrawing $300 in cash every paycheck. $300 is just right to get me through 15 days of food, gas, and play money without feeling like I have to "miss out". I can pay for my share of dates, go out for lunch with coworkers, etc but not go overboard with shopping. When my next paycheck rolls around, if I have at least $100 left, I will only withdraw $200 from that paycheck. I also put all change from purchases into a piggy bank. As I gradually accumulate savings in my checking account, I will periodically make large payments to my credit card or student loans. So far it's been a really good system. I could probably go down to $250 or $200 per paycheck, but that will take a little more self control haha.

 

I still contribute 10% of my income to a 401k so I'm saving there too. I'm hoping I can stick to this system and pay some debt off even quicker than I originally planned!

[ms201242]

I forgot to mention that if I work 25 hours of OT per month (a little more than an hour per day), it works out to a little over $600 per month after all deductions. That is going to be my goal so that my bonus and base pay all goes to savings and debt payoff.

[notalady]

I find saving so hard when you want to actually do stuff other than sitting at home and eat out a few days a week. It's all so expensive here. Breakfast costs almost $50 for two, a decent dinner (not take away style) and a couple of drinks each will easily set you back by $100 for two, and I don't think I even pay exactly 50%, I haven't kept track because we take turns but I think it's more like 40%. I don't even shop normally lol... that's still like $500 a fortnight of spending money on top of bills and rent etc.

 

Then we go away some weekends as well so that's one or two nights of accommodation, maybe flight but most of the time it's just driving distance.

 

I do still save about $500 a month, sometimes more, but I'd like to save more. It's hard when you want to maintain a lifestyle lol...

[ms201242]

I totally know what you mean! Even small outings can add up so quickly, but it sounds like you have it a lot worse than I do.

 

Before I started what I'm currently doing, I sat down and wrote down all of my usual expenses. Between breakfast 3-4 times a week at the deli in my office, a tank of gas every 10 days or so, a decent amount for groceries, and a very small amount for personal shopping, I was already up to $1000 per month which just seemed ridiculous. $600 is much more realistic for one person.

 

I live in one of the biggest cities in the country and we are known for our low cost of living. In general I find that it applies, but definitely not with rent prices. I pay over $1000 per month AND I have a roommate who pays the same. Our apartment is nice but is older and smaller than most of the "luxury" apartments in our area. It's crazy!

[notalady]

Everything is in fortnights here, so my rent is $820 a fortnight at the moment and will go up to $860 in a couple of month. It's decent sized but far from CBD from where I work. J lives near the CBD in a small one bed room apartment and that's $800 a fortnight. Definitely everything seem more expensive in my country. Imported products are more expensive than just the exchange rate difference, people sometimes joke its like being taxed for being Australian, because people are willing to pay more.

[ms201242]

Oh wow, I wonder if salaries there are similar to here in the US? I feel your pain!

[notalady]

I'm not sure about the like for like comparison, I think it's quite a bit higher. I know min wage is quite high (a lot higher than the US, therefore no customs of tipping) because of the strong presence of unions.

 

Employers are also required to pay superannuation of 9.5% (some higher, like 12% or more) on top of your salary, which you have control over how to invest, just can't spend it or use it until you retire.

 

Like, higher salary but things are more expensive. Public health care system really good, but higher taxes lol...there's always an offset haha...

[ms201242]

Had a pretty good weekend, can't complain. A and I had dinner with my mom on Friday night. That was her third time meeting him; she just loves him. She handed me her phone at one point so I could read a funny conversation between her and her cousin (who I haven't seen in years). The conversation was about times they had snuck out of their parents house when they were younger, etc. I don't think she intended for me to read the next part of the conversation, because it was about A and myself. My mom said that she could tell how much I care about him, and that she thinks A is "the one" for me. I thought that was incredibly sweet, because she hadn't mentioned that to me; that she thinks that. Thank god A didn't read the conversation with me; that could've been awkward lol.

 

When we got back to my apartment that night, my dog was SO excited to see A. We couldn't stop laughing because she was running to his car crying/barking. I guess she missed him after we were out of town last weekend.

 

Saturday we went to an event that A was interested in that was nearby my apartment. We spent most of the day there, had dinner afterwards, and then spent the rest of the night just napping and watching Netflix. We often joke around and give each other a hard time. At one point on Saturday, I said (jokingly) "I'm sure deep down in you somewhere, you actually like me". His response was "yes, very, very, very deep down I guess". We laughed and then he said "I'm just kidding, believe me, my feelings for you are in there". That made me smile.

 

This morning we had our usual Sunday and made breakfast together before he headed home. All in all, it was a good time.

 

We are going out of town again in 2 weeks (to the same city we went last weekend). One of A's best friends was supposed to go with us, but turns out he is asking his girlfriend to marry him that weekend instead! Even though I've only met them a handful of times, I'm excited for them!

[ms201242]

Kind of a "meh" week so far. It's rained every day this week...makes me want to not leave the house and stay in my PJs all day

[ms201242]

Feeling irritated and stressed about money...I had an eye exam today and spent almost $300, and that doesn't include glasses. Had I bought the glasses I picked out, my total would have been close to $750, and that's WITH TWO INSURANCE POLICIES. I'm blind as a bat, so I don't have much of a choice. I thought I chose the higher vision coverage when I signed up for my current plan but may not have. I feel almost robbed. I remember a few years back I'd only end up paying $50 - $100 a year for contacts and eye exam. I guess my insurance coverage has just changed, because I'm not buying anything I normally don't. Sheesh, I am going to need to pick up a second job just to get a pair of glasses. I've had the same pair for 10 years (I had another pair a few years ago but my brothers dog literally ate them). Like I said above, I have double coverage for the next couple months so I thought for sure I'd pay less out of pocket. Was not prepared for that at all.

[ms201242]

I'm a little disappointed about something A told me this morning, and I need to be called out if I'm just being a diva lol.

 

He told me that in a few months, there is an event across the county that he wants to go to. It happens to be the weekend of our one year anniversary (he didn't point that out, I don't even think he realized it). Then, a few months later, there's 2 other events in a different state that he will be traveling to. One of those is in my favorite city that I love to travel to, which he knows.

 

The reason I'm disappointed is that he didn't say anything or even hint that he might want me to join. He ended the conversation by saying "and that's all the trips I'll be taking next year". I love to travel and he knows that it's my favorite hobby. It sucks that he would potentially spend our anniversary across the country on his own solo vacation, which would also be within weeks of his relocation (and ideally we'd be spending as much time together as possible before he leaves). Then to top it off by saying he doesn't plan to go anywhere else all year. Not only that, but I invited him to go on a trip with me a few months back, and paid for his flight, the hotel, and rental car as a nice gesture since I was the one who invited him. My last point of frustration is that he went on a trip about a month ago and didn't invite me. I didn't say anything or get upset that I didn't go, but I did go through the trouble of taking him to the airport at 4 am and picking him up when he got back at almost 2 in the morning.

 

 

Anyway, if anyone could chime in I would appreciate it.

[notalady]

So you've been together only a few months shy of a year now? I don't know MS, I feel like he's not as invested in this relationship as you, possibly because he's moving away and maybe don't expect the relationship to continue when that happens? Have you already discussed what's going to happen when he moves? I feel like that's the elephant in the room.

 

My boyfriend always invited me to trips with him (unless it's work trip) ever since 4-5 months in and I do the same. Same with all friends gatherings and any type of events or activities. All of which makes me feel included in his life.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he just needs a lot of alone time, who knows, but that's just the feeling I've been getting throughout various posts you wrote about him, not just this one, that he hasn't really integrated you into his life. And I feel like you're holding yourself back and trying not to ask for "too much" (which are actually what I see as just a normal part of a relationship that you are totally entitled to ask for), he's potentially planning a trip away by himself on your anniversary day and didn't even mention anything about it, so essentially he either forgot about it or doesn't really care. All couples I know celebrate their anniversaries, even if it's just pizza night at home, they acknowledge the date and may choose not to do anything big for it, but they all remember it. I don't really believe in the stereotype that men don't remember important dates, I believe in if they value the relationship, they'll try their best to remember it (eg mark it in the calendar).

[Batya33]

I think you teach people how to treat you. He doesn't invite you to go and you pick him up/take him to the airport at all hours of the night? I think couples are entitled to and should take personal space. I don't think that needs to be to the extent of separate vacations unless that's more of an unusual thing - my friend is going to Hawaii with the girls later this year to celebrate her 50th and I know her husband is all for it. That same friend stays in a hotel one night a year by herself to just recharge (they have two teenagers!). But this seems on the more excessive end of things especially since he's telling you about the trips in detail -is he clueless that that is a bit thoughtless?

[ms201242]

Thank you both for your thoughts...My thoughts seem a bit messy and unorganized but I am going to try to articulate a response as best I can lol.

 

I think I do a disservice to A in some of my posts here by pointing out the negative aspects of some conversations and/or actions and not as many positive ones. The reason I've posted some of those things here is because when I tell my close friends about it, they tend to roll their eyes and tell me that I have nothing to worry about, that A adores me, that I am lucky to have such a great relationship, etc. I try not to get family involved with relationship issues because they will always take my side, I won't get an objective opinion, and I don't think it's a great idea to give family a reason to dislike the person you could potentially be with forever. I've had several instances where friends and coworkers have asked why I'm not engaged yet, because they see how A and I interact day to day, and how much we care about each other. So, I guess my point is that he deserves a little more credit than I sometimes give him. That being said, I fully intend to pay closer attention to how he treats certain situations going forward to see if he is as invested as me as I am him. I intend to have conversations with him about certain (sometimes difficult to talk about) topics, such as meeting his family, his move for work, our future, etc. I think Notalady made a good point, and I may just be blind to his actual investment in our relationship, or I could be giving a skewed perspective of him. Either way I need to evaluate carefully.

 

Regarding our conversation about his trips per my last post, I unintentionally left out what was probably an important detail. When I picked him up from the airport from his last trip, he was extremely grateful and wouldn't stop thanking me. He was even bragging about the gesture to his friends the next weekend (in front of me). He also made a comment along the lines of "maybe if you don't hate me this time next year, we can go on the same trip together" (meaning when that event happens again next year). Obviously he said that in a joking manner. Our conversation this weekend didn't include anything about me going, but he could have assumed it was implied because of that comment he made a few weeks back. In general, we include each other in everything we do. We've spent almost every weekend together since we started dating and see each other during the week as often as possible. This coming weekend will be our 5th "trip" together as we are going out of town and staying with a friend of his.

 

The only reason I haven't met his family yet is because they live about 8 hours away and he hardly sees them himself. We've talked about me meeting his family many times though. He's told me at least 3 times that he hopes I get to take a trip with him one of these days so he can show me around his hometown, and he's told me a couple different times that his mom says she "can't wait to meet me". I noticed this weekend he said "WHEN you come home with me I can show you...." in conversation, rather than "IF you come home with me..." as he used to.

 

Last night we had a fun spontaneous date night and drove about 30 minutes to a neighboring town for a few activities. We ended by grabbing a drink at a local bar that has live music on Saturday nights. While we were there, I asked him if he had gotten any updates from work about his relocation. His response was "I don't even know if I'm still going - I've heard rumors that I will be staying at my current office". I was extremely surprised and busted out with "why didn't you tell me!?" and he said that he didn't want to tell me he wasn't going anymore, just for that to get changed again and lead to more disappointment. I understand his thought process, but wish he would have told me so I wouldn't have stressed out about it so much. It also make sense as to why he would plan a trip right before potentially leaving for the relocation (as it may not happen after all).

 

I feel like I've defended him in several ways in this novel of a post I just wrote, but like I said I intend to pay closer attention to certain things/situations/reactions, etc. I don't want to get hurt or be blindsided if things don't work out the way I hope they do. I will also try to do a better job of including all important details if I am complaining about something