A Recollection of Online Dating (mis)Adventures

[Batya33]

Of course there are positives- there often are. I would not focus in the least on what others say about you or their opinions on how you interact- bad or good. Too biased and far too irrelevant. i say that even though you are getting input here -I am referring more to biased family and friends. What I find is that the person who is most at peace with his/her relationship asks for very little input from others and his/her response to "how's it going?" is most often a brief "fine!". Not shouting from the rooftops how perfect things are and not complaining/analyzing/asking for input on a regular basis but simply "fine!". Many types of doubts are perfectly ok and normal. If they're fairly easy to resolve, are on the periphery of your radar or off your radar quickly, fine. If they stick around, permeate your thoughts, etc - then it's something to take a much closer look at.

 

As far as A being appreciative of your picking him up -those are nice words. Focus more on the feet, what he does, and less on the lips -what he says/gushes/etc.

[notalady]

Of course there are positives- there often are. I would not focus in the least on what others say about you or their opinions on how you interact- bad or good. Too biased and far too irrelevant. i say that even though you are getting input here -I am referring more to biased family and friends. What I find is that the person who is most at peace with his/her relationship asks for very little input from others and his/her response to "how's it going?" is most often a brief "fine!". Not shouting from the rooftops how perfect things are and not complaining/analyzing/asking for input on a regular basis but simply "fine!". Many types of doubts are perfectly ok and normal. If they're fairly easy to resolve, are on the periphery of your radar or off your radar quickly, fine. If they stick around, permeate your thoughts, etc - then it's something to take a much closer look at.

 

As far as A being appreciative of your picking him up -those are nice words. Focus more on the feet, what he does, and less on the lips -what he says/gushes/etc.

 

Completely agree with everything batya said, especially the fact that when a person is at peace with his/her relationship, they rarely feel the need to ask for input from family and friends. I've found that I often wanted friends and sometimes family opinions on past relationships because I was unsure about certain behaviour of the other person and sought validation, when in hindsight, I already saw the issues, just didn't want to admit to myself. Whereas with current boyfriend, I never felt like I needed anyone's input or for family and friends to tell me how my relationship is going (eg you're overreacting, he adores you etc), because I know exactly how it's going.

 

Fleeting doubts about various things is normal, but I think a few of your posts have pointed to a level of insecurity you feel in this relationship. This could be because you're just an insecure person or could be that the relationship itself is indeed insecure and you are right to feel that way. Only you know which is which. What I've learned over time though, is that I don't feel insecure for no reason and that I should trust my instincts if it tells me something doesn't feel right even if I can't quite explain it yet, even if it feel like a bit of an "overreaction" to the part of me that wants to explain it away as nothing.

[ms201242]

I do rarely ask for input from people I know in real life, and when people ask how our relationship is, I tell them we're doing great (because I truly feel that we are). Usually nothing more, usually nothing less. More often, I post my reactions and feelings towards certain things here, but that doesn't always mean it warrants a conversation on whether or not we are "okay". I think it's only human to sometimes have an initial reaction to a specific event, only to calmly and logically react differently once you've had time to process it.

 

I have my moments of insecurity, but I think most people do. I was single for over a year before I started dating A, and during that year I focused on becoming a stronger, more self sufficient person. My last relationship was the polar opposite of my current relationship - I was desperately insecure and probably should have sought out the help of a therapist. When we broke up and I was so heartbroken, I promised myself I would never depend on a person the way I depended on my ex. I've grown tremendously, even if it's not 100% apparent here.

 

I also wanted to mention that any time I've ever gotten slightly upset or irritated or disappointed, A is quick to realize that and will make an effort to talk things through. I appreciate that so much. He doesn't run from what could be a fight (we've really never even gotten to the point of fighting), but instead communicates with me and we come to a solution rather than an argument.

 

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect. He's not perfect. But I'm giving my best effort for this relationship and so far it's paid off. That's one of the good things about keeping this journal - I can always go back and read about our happy and not-so-happy moments if I wanted to. Maybe I'll notice a trend if one exists at some point. Only time will tell.

 

All of that being said, we had another great weekend out of town. I am just getting home, and can't wait to jump into bed. We drove to a town that is a few hours away on Friday morning and went to a convention where we got to meet some really neat artists. Afterwards we met up with a friend of his for dinner and then turned in for the night.

 

Saturday we hung out with another friend of A's and then spent the afternoon/evening with my dad, sister, and stepmom. Although that was the first time A met that part of my family, I wasn't worried at all. The day went very smoothly; there were no awkward silences and my family welcomed him as nicely as I could have asked for.

 

Today we went to the convention again before heading back home. When we got back into town I hung out at A's apartment for a couple hours before heading home. He "officially" asked me to come home with him for Thanksgiving. We had previously talked about it sort of in passing but hadn't made any concrete plans. I was really happy to get that invitation since he's already met most of my family. I am not nervous yet, but I am sure as we get closer to the holidays that will change!

 

So, in 5 weeks we have another weekend trip planned, and then 3 and a half weeks after that I will travel to meet his family with him. Then, a few weeks after that we are hoping to plan a road trip to a neighboring state, just to have a mini vacation and explore the city (rather than our usual trips which involve meeting up with friends and going to specific events). Sounds like we will have a busy end of the year!

[notalady]

It's great that he's taking you home to meet his family for thanksgiving. Sounds like you guys go on plenty of trips. But it would certainly bother me if my boyfriend plans an away trip on our anniversary day without inviting me. I'm glad you made so much progress from your last relationship, and please don't think that our comments are trying to take away from that, to be honest we don't know what you were like before versus now and in real life versus your posts, that's the limitation of online journals. I think it's great that you've worked on yourself since the last relationship.

 

But I do think you should start communicating your thoughts and feelings on things like the anniversary to him rather than keeping it in and trying to convince yourself why it's not a big deal. I think you should be able to feel safe enough in a relationship to talk about things that had upset you (after you've calmed down of course) especially it is for a good reason.

[Batya33]

I would avoid "everyone has their moments of insecurity" and "nobody's perfect". Stay true to your personal standards and if you are troubled then sure you can question whether your standards are realistic but avoid the broad "well everyone ....." because that quickly leads to rationalizing if it isn't already.

 

Sounds like you had a great weekend and that you're looking forward to meeting his parents.

That's great when you feel you've grown/evolved.

[ms201242]

Oh I'm definitely going to say something about the trip he is planning during our anniversary lol. That's something that still bothers me, I'm just not going to worry about it until the planning actually begins because 1) he may not go after all and 2) he may have assumed that I'm automatically going which is why he didn't say anything in the first place. But yes I will definitely be voicing my opinion on that when the time is right.

 

Batya, I like what you said regarding rationalization, I think you have a good point that I will have to keep in mind.

[ms201242]

Well, this weekend was definitely a roller coaster of emotions, that's for sure. A had a work event on Friday evening, so he didn't come over as early as he normally does. I was sort of thankful for this, because it gave me some free time to catch up on laundry, cleaning, etc. Although he doesn't mind, I don't like to do those sorts of things while he's here spending time with me. I got my chores done, and cooked dinner for A and myself, and we spent the night relaxing and watching Netflix. There was a moment, when he first walked inside, and I was cooking in the kitchen and he was saying hi to my dog and playing with her after giving me a hello kiss, that I just felt overjoyed. I've wanted THIS for so long now. It was one of those moments where you just feel so thankful.

 

We woke up fairly early Saturday morning and took my dog on a long walk through the park next to where i live. The weather is finally starting to cool down so it was nice outside. We spent the afternoon checking out a few exhibits i was interested in seeing at a local museum, and walked through a new park that was on the same block afterwards. While we were walking through the park, we started talking about how we would like to visit a few National parks one day. Then, A said something along the lines of "there's a National park nearby where I'm going on my next trip. Would you be interested in going on the trip with me?" That's the trip that he was planning that falls on our anniversary weekend. I was so glad that he asked me. I still don't think he realizes that it's THAT weekend, since it's still several months away. Either way, I was thrilled.

 

Today, we slept in and cooked breakfast together when we woke up. We didn't do much during the day, but his company gave us tickets to a sports game this evening so we left my apartment in the late afternoon to go to that. The game was a lot of fun...our team won and I was able to meet several of his coworkers who I hadn't had the chance to meet yet. However, for some reason, my mind kept wandering to unhappy places while we were there. I don't know what started it, and I don't know why I was feeling this way, but I just became kind of distant. A could tell something was wrong, and I kept saying I didn't want to talk about it there.

 

When we left, he asked me again, and I told him that I was afraid that I might be "giving" more than I'm "getting". Call it insecure...call it what you will, but I knew I needed to communicate with him so I did my best I could at that moment. He instantly changed his demeanor, his tone, everything. He grabbed my hand and was just so incredibly sweet. He told me that he loves being with me, he loves everything about our relationship, that this is the best relationship he's ever had, etc. He said that the last person he dated that met his family was in high school (I'm meeting them next month). He said that he "didn't want to get ahead of ourselves", but that he can see us having a long future with kids, etc and that we are "going places". He apologized, and then agreed that he would work on being more vocal with feelings, emotions, etc.

 

Even though it surprised even me that we had that conversation sort of out of nowhere, I think it needed to be had and i'm happy with the outcome. Now to see if those words turn into actions.

[notalady]

Great to hear things were good this weekend and the talk went well.

 

My relationship talks often come out unplanned too, just because you spend so much time sitting on the thoughts and planning what you would say / how to have the conversation that it just ends up coming out at a random moment that you didn't plan. It's all good though.

 

You know it's ok to just playfully say "funny you invite me to the trip, you realise it will be our anniversary right?" And he might surprise you by saying he already knew that. Or maybe he forgot and you've reminded him, no big deal.

[Batya33]

So it does sound like a good weekend. When that feeling seemed to come over you, why did you act on it in the way you did? It sounds like in part you wanted A to draw it out of you, to see if he noticed the change and you wanted to see if he cared enough to say something about it. Of course talking about it at an event isn't the best timing -you're right- but knowing that -why not put on a game face (pun intended) so that he didn't have to resort to pulling teeth/worrying? I mean, for his benefit, so he could enjoy the game and so that when you did choose to share it would be at a good time for both of you. For example, if he was about to go on a really important interview for his dream job and all of a sudden you felt distant -would you act distant or would you make sure to be present with him and supportive so that he wouldn't be distracted for his interview? Hope that's a good example.

 

I'm glad you did tell him how you feel and you are right -now he knows, now he can act on it.

[ms201242]

You know it's ok to just playfully say "funny you invite me to the trip, you realise it will be our anniversary right?"

 

Ahh, yes. I just figured I would wait a bit before saying anything, since it's still several months away.

 

When that feeling seemed to come over you, why did you act on it in the way you did?

 

Honestly, part of me felt very childish, but at the same time, it just came over me and I couldn't help it. I did put my game face on for everyone else and acted completely normal when speaking with his coworkers and friends. It would have been totally inappropriate for me to show those emotions. The only reason he was "pulling teeth" to get me to talk is because I was afraid I'd get upset and start crying or something once I started talking about it. I am one of those people who tends to build up emotions before actually talking about them, which often results in situations like this one

[ms201242]

Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend. This past week was incredibly busy; I worked close to 60 hours and barely had time to sleep and eat.

 

Friday night A had a concert planned with a friend of his, so i spent the evening with a friend I hadn't seen in close to a year. We had a good time; she just had a baby so I was able to meet him and catch up with my friend. He came over afterwards but we went to sleep right after he got here. Yesterday we actually spent the day with my mom since she was in the area. We got some food and saw a movie, and then A and I went to a couple stores to shop around.

 

Today was a little more eventful. We had tickets to a concert that we had been planning to go to since the beginning of the summer. We went out for dinner before the show, and started talking about technology & how the older generation can sometimes be slow with computers, etc. Then he jokingly said something along the lines of "that will be me and you when we get older. I'll be showing you something and you'll get angry that I am so slow". Even though it was just a simple statement in passing, I thought it was sweet of him to talk about "us" so far in the future.

 

Then, at the concert, the last song the band played was a sort of slower song about how someone is their "only one". I had been standing in front of him during the show since he is much taller than me, but we were each in our own space. When the band started playing this song, he pulled me close to him and put his hand on my shoulder. I reached up and touched his hand and he grabbed mine and held it for the entire song. I know it's nothing but a small gesture, but it made me smile for the rest of the night. Heres to hoping the next 4 days go by quickly!!

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're enjoying the future talk. If there is a habit or aspect of your personality that leads to frustrating or unpleasant situations, my suggestion is don't try to rationalize it as "it's just who I am" - let your potentially long term relationship motivate you to make changes -it's a slow process and it's a focused process but it's worth it IMO and feels very rewarding each time you don't give into the prior bad habit, etc.

 

Also if you believe you hold things in and then have an outburst, you also can choose many other alternatives except the outburst -taking space, exercising, sharing quietly "right now is not a good time for me to share this with you" and explain to him in advance "if I seem quiet and concerned, please don't pressure me to talk just then". Of course you can't be a Debbie Downer either -keep on that game face and remind yourself you're doing it to be a giving person - so that you don't subject others to your current tendency to hold things back and then have an outburst (and that "tendency" can change too over time).

 

I share this because I've been there done that in my relationship and as a parent. "Done" - not total success but work in progress.

[ms201242]

I've been really good about keeping up with my workout routine this week, and I am EXHAUSTED. Not to mention sore. I will be taking a rest day tomorrow because it currently hurts too much to move a few inches at a time. Ouch.

[Batya33]

I've been really good about keeping up with my workout routine this week, and I am EXHAUSTED. Not to mention sore. I will be taking a rest day tomorrow because it currently hurts too much to move a few inches at a time. Ouch.

 

How about switching to cardio and doing a power walk - that might work out the soreness and still give you exercise benefits

[ms201242]

I do cardio more often than weights or other types of exercise. I attempted to switch it up one day which is what caused the soreness

 

I've been so incredibly busy the last couple weeks. Working 12 hour days 5 days a week, and went out of town the past two weekends. Over the past couple weeks A and I went to a state fair, an amusement park, a convention, and hung out with friends he hadn't seen since before we started dating. This weekend was my first time meeting 3 of his friends, and it went well. I got along with all of them, and we stayed overnight in the guest bedroom of one of their homes this weekend. I felt very comfortable around that particular friend, which was a good sign since A is pretty close with her.

 

The next 3 weeks should be fairly tame. My birthday is next week, but I don't have any crazy plans. Maybe just dinner with A, family, and friends. After that the next big "event" I have is Thanksgiving.

 

I've booked my trip to fly to meet A's family for the first time. I'll be staying with him at his parents house for 5 days and 4 nights. To be honest I'm not worried or nervous whatsoever. I've never so much as spoken to them on the phone before, but his mom and grandparents are always telling him to tell me "hello" and ask how I am doing, which I think is nice. I've also never been to that part of the states before, so I'm excited to explore a new area and see where A grew up. His parents have lived in the same house since before he was born, so I think it will be really neat to see his childhood home. My own parents divorced when I was 4 and we moved every 1-2 years when I was growing up. I went to 6 different schools before I graduated. I've never had what felt like a true hometown or a childhood home.

 

I was a little concerned on how the logistics would work out once I'm there - I didn't know if I would be expected to sleep on the couch or in a guest bed, but this weekend A answered my question before I even asked. He said his family is traditional but would not mind whatsoever if I stayed in his bedroom with him. If the vibe is weird I may offer to sleep on the couch any way. His family is mostly made up of women (no brothers and minimal uncles/male cousins) and I really just want to be respectful.

 

I'm hoping that work will slow down over the next few weeks and I'll be able to post more often...we shall see! Here's to a good week.

[Batya33]

Sounds like you have a lot of fun stuff/new adventures going on! Are you meeting them on Thanksgiving?

[ms201242]

Yes, I am. I'll arrive the day before Thanksgiving

[ms201242]

Really struggling to figure out how to process how I am feeling after this weekend, and how to address it.

 

My birthday was this past Friday. I honestly did not want any big celebration or gifts, and told A not to worry about buying a gift. About 2 weeks ago he asked what I wanted to do to celebrate, and I told him that I would be happy if he just planned dinner for us. We talked about it at least 3 times over the course of the last 2 weeks. He joked about not knowing what to get me and told me that he was trying to decide between jewelry or something practical, etc. Each time I maintained that he didn't need to get me a gift and that I'd be happy with him just planning a date night for us.

 

Well, Friday came around and my coworkers took me out for lunch to one of the places I knew A was thinking of taking me. I sent him a text, letting him know in case that was the place he ended up deciding on. He responded by saying that his coworkers were having a birthday celebration of their own that night, and they invited us to join in. I thought that would be fun, so I agreed to go, thinking that we would have dinner by ourselves first (as we had been planning for weeks), and then meet everyone.

 

After work, I got ready and drove to A's place. As I was on my way, he texted asking if I wanted him to "throw something together so we wouldn't go hungry while out". I responded by saying "I thought we were going somewhere to eat?". When I got to his place, I expected a "happy birthday" and would have loved a kind gesture like flowers. Instead, he just said hello and asked if I wanted to go to a local burger place. I was disappointed and told him that when someone asks you to plan a dinner for their birthday you should never pick a place with a drive-thru.

 

We quickly got something to eat and met up with friends. I truly had a good time once we were out, and enjoyed the night meeting new people. However, the next morning I couldn't help but feel incredibly let down. A did not make the SLIGHTEST effort to make me feel special or to go out of his way to do ANYTHING for me. I am not mad that he didn't get me a gift. After all, I told him not to. I'm mad because someone's birthday is the one day a year that you should make them feel special, and he did not even try. He didn't plan anything. Hell, he didn't even tell me Happy Birthday in person until I pointed it out. Both my roommate and my boss did more for me than he did. Even my ex boyfriend took the time to call me.

 

I told him why I was upset, and I could tell he felt awful. He told me that he would make it up to me, and that he knows I have done more for him than he's ever done for me. He held my hand and was very sweet. But, we didn't talk about it again all weekend and I just don't feel that he took me seriously. I want to bring it up again, but don't want to feel that I'm whining. I need him to know how sh*tty he made me feel, and know that it's not okay.

[notalady]

Honestly, a lot of guys suck at planning for special occasions. I've learned not to expect ANYTHING when it comes to planning for special occasions or buying gifts, then be pleasantly surprised if they do anything. If they are really struggling with gift ideas, I'll tell them what I want.

 

I would not bring it up again and at the next special occasion, tell him that it's an important occasion for you and you'd like him to plan for dinner (or whatever it is you wanted) at a nice place. Be as prescriptive and serious about it as you can. If you don't want gifts but think some flowers would be nice, say that. If you just want something small, say that. Fact is you were disappointed when he didn't get you anything. So why not just be honest with yourself, forget about wanting him to surprise you and just ask for what you want. If he had showed up with flowers or whatever gift, I bet you wouldn't have been this upset about the lack of dinner.

 

Regarding his request for you to join his friends / colleagues for dinner, I would've said "I'd love to meet your colleagues another time but this is a special day for me and I'd rather have a nice dinner with you alone." This will have clarified your expectations to him and would have given him time to book a place if he hadn't done so already. Because you agreed to go to the colleagues birthday, perhaps he thought that will be the celebration and there's not enough time for a nice sit down dinner before hand? Alternatively you could've easily said "sure, we can go there, but we're still having a nice dinner alone beforehand right?"

 

So to me, it's a series of miscommunication by you trying to downplay or not clarifying what you expect from him before the event and him thinking it's no big deal. So to me, it's not all his fault, you need to own your part in this too.

 

For me personally, I've given up on expecting a partner to plan for nice occasions for me long ago. If I want somewhere nice, I'll plan it myself. My current partner sometimes surprises me by planning something when I hadn't planned anything (and wasn't expecting a celebration) and that makes me feel really good, but I'll tell you what, I've never had a disappointing important occasion again since I started planning my own. You could try it.

[Batya33]

I disagree because it sounds like he knows how to plan vacations for himself. I also would be disappointed. It does sound in part like a miscommunication because your attitude was almost self-deprecating when he made his offers so maybe he was confused. I'm sorry you were disappointed and I agree that he should have put in more effort.

[ms201242]

I think Batya hit the nail on the head. He's shown me plenty of times that he knows how to plan, when he's done things for himself. I told him what I wanted this weekend several times and to be quite honest, he was just lazy and took the easy way out, thinking I would be okay with it. That's the thing about relationships - laziness can equate to selfishness and that's not okay. With me, at least.

 

Either way, he totally made up for it today. This morning I woke up to a sweet text from him, saying that he hoped I had a great week and that he couldn't wait to see me next weekend, etc. Then, around 3 this afternoon there was a knock on my office door and someone said "delivery!". I walked out, and there was a huge bouquet of a dozen beautiful roses, a balloon that says "I love you" and a card that said "To the best girlfriend ever!". I was totally surprised. All the ladies in my office were "oohing" and "ahhing" over the bouquet. I texted him to say thank you and tell him how much it meant to me, and he responded by saying that he was glad he could give me the surprise I deserve, and that he feels so lucky to have me in his life.

 

It may have been a gesture made to make me not mad at him anymore, but it's a gesture that means a lot to me nonetheless.

[notalady]

I'm glad he made a nice gesture afterall!

[Batya33]

I'm glad he sees that he messed up and is trying to make up for it.

[ms201242]

Me too. I asked him who picked out the balloon (because it said I love you and he still hasn't told me that yet). I was thinking maybe the florist chose it. Turns out he picked it out he said that I've been good to him and he's felt it for a while; he just wasn't quite sure how to say it. I am relieved to finally hear those words!

[notalady]

So did he actually say it?