Can't let it go

[ShuShu Fontana]

I just can't seem to let it go. I still find myself trying to prove to him that I'm a geat girl, funny, intelligent, and that he made a mistake by not taking me back.

 

I write over and over and over again all the reasons that we're not right for each other. It's not sinking in. ALl the reasons I fell in love with him: his wit, intelligence, creativity, sense of humor, are all still there. It was his lak of ambition, money, transportation, and being a flake that I couldn't handle. But we loved each other and we should have worked things out not walked away.

 

I can't get over him not wanting to be with me. "If he wanted to date you, he would. He doesn't so he isn't." It makes me feel like a horrible person, like I'm defective.

 

How do you stop comparing? It's where my mind automatically goes.

 

NC has helped, but it can only go so far. My current boyfriend and my ex are in a band together. I see him and his new girlfriend at their shows. It really bothers me.

 

I'm obsessed. I don't know how to stop this. I can't stop feeling like breaking up was just a huge mistake. He doesn't want to be with me so why do I want to be with him? I'm delusional. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

One day I'm ok with everything and feel over him and then another I'm restraining myself from asking him to lunch. It has been far, far too long for this to still be going on. He was my first love and I just can't seem to accept that it's really over and never coming back and that he's happier with someone else than he was with me. It makes me feel horrible. I just don't knw what to do.

[annie24]

I'm glad that you recognize this as a problem. Listen, it's not you. Believe it. Sometimes, two people aren't right for each other. I know you intellectually understand this, but it doesn't appear to be sinking in. Listen, some men don't think Cindy Crawford is hot. Some guys think Jennifer Aniston is hot, some don't. Halle Berry is considered one of the most beautiful and talented women alive today, but her husband cheated on her! So, sometimes, it's just not there. You're not defective, just the right chemistry wasn't there. Don't take the breakup so personally. Good luck.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Thank you, I appreciate your comments. The chemistry WAS right, though. Emotionally, physically. I just made a huge mistake. I try to remember that him just accepting it, not fighting for it, and walking away as a sign, but his later actions were monumentally confusing.

 

How do you not tkae a break up personally? I feel like my brain doesn;t work because I just don't understand any of this.

[annie24]

what was your mistake?

[melrich]

You shouldn't feel like a failure. Sometimes we just don't click properly with people. It is no comment on your worth or otherwise.

 

Sounds like he has moved on so I think you may be wasting your energies on him. You have to try and accept thst this was one that got away and concentrate on getting over it.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

This is just a wild guess.........but because you are still seeing him through the band situation with the new girl....if you really ever healed, buy your post I'm guessing you have not. That situation would be hard for anyone to handle not just you. If it were me, I would just stay away if it really bothered me that much until it di not bother me. One more thing you said you liked him and all the good things, and you mentioned his lack of making money and ambition. Well you had a right to be concerned, especially if you have allot of ambition and want a better life for you. Like I said I'm just guessing, but I'm guessing at one point when you were together (it usually happens in a heated moment or a verbal fight) that you may have said something to him about the ambition and the money.

If that were true you hurt his manhood and his self pride, and when that happened he broke it off with you and never to return. Nothing wrong with caring about someone we have been with I think we all have regrets and second guess ourselves at times in our life. Time heals all wounds, it always does........and then we forget the bad times and remember the good. I wish you well and hope you heal real soon. You may not see it now but you will be stronger in the end.

 

good luck

kuhl

8)

[Riles84]

Did you break up with him or did he break up with you im kinda onfused, seems liek you broke up wiht him and now u want him back but hes moved on

[MsMe]

Try to take time out for yourself. Think of positive things and realize that there was life before this person and there will be life after. I agree with other posts, that time heals. Be gentle with yourself and let time do its healing.

[DN]

There is also the blow to the ego.

 

We all like to think of ourselves as special to someone and when we break up we find we are not anymore and it is a bit humiliating. You find it even in the feelings of the dumper, especially when the dumpee finds someone else. "Hey, you were supposed to pine away for the love of me, not get over me!!"

 

So pride and ego are hurt and we find ourselves wanting to convince the ex that "hey, you let a good one get away".

[al7]

I'm glad that you recognize this as a problem. Listen, it's not you. Believe it. Sometimes, two people aren't right for each other. I know you intellectually understand this, but it doesn't appear to be sinking in. Listen, some men don't think Cindy Crawford is hot. Some guys think Jennifer Aniston is hot, some don't. Halle Berry is considered one of the most beautiful and talented women alive today, but her husband cheated on her! So, sometimes, it's just not there. You're not defective, just the right chemistry wasn't there. Don't take the breakup so personally. Good luck.

 

I think Jennifer Aniston is not hot at all, just average looking gal. Inmy opinion Halle Berry is not even average, below that.

Cindy Crawford is definitely a model, above average but I dont consider her hot. Though Kim Basinger is hot. Ophra Winfrey is hot.

Just my 2 cents.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Yes, I broke up with him. I never told him "You have no ambition". I encouraged him and supported him in every way I knew how. You can't make someone want more for themselves.

 

This was my frist relationship and I had unrealistic expectations like love is all you need, love will make everything ok. We didn't have a really good, serious conversation until after we broke up. I felt a lot of pressure that I mostly put on myself. He was very serious about me and this was my first relationship. It was intimidating.

 

The thing is it's been over two years since we broke up. But we only recently, about three months ago, stopped talking to each other. After we broke up he still IM'd me every day, would call me, ask me to hang out. And I wasn't strong enough to say no. All the while he had a new long distance girlfriend.

 

I had tried many times to explain to him my new understanding of relationships, about the communication mistakes we had both made and every time he would say, "yes, I love you too, but..."

I really believed I could win him back. And with his new girlfriend not living here at the time it was easy for that situation to be out of sight and out of mind.

 

He lead me on a lot after we broke up and I read into everything that happened between us. He would have constant contact with me and then get angry with me because I wasn't over it. You just can't be good buddy friends right away. Or maybe ever. And he knew I wasn't over him. But that didn't stop him from contacting me all the time. I wanted to believe he wanted to be with me again.

 

I've been seeing my current boyfriend for over a year now. But my ex is still there lingering in the back of my mind, or in front of me on stage. I'm beyond the point where it's ok to not go to my boyfriends show because my ex makes me uncomfortable. That would make my boyfriend feel all that secure.

 

Three months into dating my new boyfriend, and the day before my ex fly out to help his new girlfriend move back to town, my ex told me he was still in love with me. "I'm in love with two womne, I'm confused." Well, you're getting on a plane tomorrow, you don't look all that confused. That didn't help me. 6 months later he starts acting very uncomfortable around me, 6 months after that we'e no longer speaking. And nothign specific brought this on. He is either doing what he thinks is best for me, what's best for him, seeing my relationship with my new boyfriend lasting longer than 6 months bothers him somehow, or it's the fact that his new girlfriend doesn't like me and sees me as a threat. I don't know. All I know is I miss him and our relationship. Im ade myself look unbelievably pathetic in trying to win him back.

 

"You're still the same vibrant, beautiful, vivacious, incredible woman I fell in love with." So why don't you want to be with me anymore?!

 

My mistake was not talking about little things that bugged me, little things that I wasn't sure about. My mistake was putting so much pressure on myself and taking things far, far too seriously. My mistake was not having patience with myself or with him. My mistake was living in a fantasy world and not reality. And when I woke up from my dream and shared my revelations with him it wasn't enough. His mistake was wanting to be my best friend immediately after we broke up. Not giving me any time to heal, though somehow HE managed to do it. I just can't believe that this is really how it ends.

[hunterboyhun]

sorry but you won't get too much sympathy from me. here's why. you made a judgement call to break it off with him. then you get a new boyfriend and so on. what did you expect him to do? you dumped him remember.

 

thing is i feel too many people these days are too quick to throw in the towel. it's all so disposable. if something doesn't work, toss it. right? the old "well i'm just the way i am and if such and such can't deal with that then the hell with them... i got plenty of other options" sort of thing. I'm not saying you did that but what I am saying is that you made a big big call that stood to deeply affect two peoples lives. I just feel that maybe you should have thought about it a bit harder. maybe if you had, and perhaps talked through some of those issues you wouldn't be missing him now, you'd be with him.

 

you made a decision and this was always going to be one of the possible results from your decision. you should have made peace with that possibility before you made the call.

 

good luck to you, honestly... but as for him I reckon good on him. it takes a lot of strength to bounce back after being dumped by someone you love (especially if their reasons are lack of ambition, no money, no car and 'a bit of a flake') and mercifully he seems to be making the best of it. More power to him. Wish i could.

 

maybe you should look long and hard at your current boyfriend and start to see what you love about him because it would be heaps sad if you got over your ex only to be back here crying about your current boyfriend after he leaves because you were too hung up on the old one. we don't know what we've got til it's gone.

 

peace and luck.

[fantasia2004]

I'm glad that you recognize this as a problem. Listen, it's not you. Believe it. Sometimes, two people aren't right for each other. I know you intellectually understand this, but it doesn't appear to be sinking in. Listen, some men don't think Cindy Crawford is hot. Some guys think Jennifer Aniston is hot, some don't. Halle Berry is considered one of the most beautiful and talented women alive today, but her husband cheated on her! So, sometimes, it's just not there. You're not defective, just the right chemistry wasn't there. Don't take the breakup so personally. Good luck.

 

 

who wants to hear you and the ex are not right for each other? not me . no matter what.

[annie24]

Well... you may not want to hear it, but sometimes it's the truth. ShuShu says that she's having a really hard time getting over her ex she broke up with 2 years ago, despite the fact that she's had another bf for a year. She said she made some mistakes in her past relationship, and now she knows how to fix them, but her ex has a new gf and doesn't want to get back with ShuShu. That's just the way I understand the situation.

 

But, from every breakup, you must try to learn something from it. When I look back on my previous relationships, I wish I could hit the rewind button and start all over again. I tried getting them back afterwards, but it never worked. So, now, I think she should take the knowledge of the mistakes she made in the previous relationship and use that wisdom in her current relationship. I feel like certain people are dropped into our lives to teach us something and for us to learn and grow. Maybe that's what the ex was. Either way, he doesn't want her back and she needs to come to peace with that.

[al7]

 

Interesting, what can breakups teach you (us)?

[annie24]

This was my frist relationship and I had unrealistic expectations like love is all you need, love will make everything ok. We didn't have a really good, serious conversation until after we broke up. I felt a lot of pressure that I mostly put on myself. He was very serious about me and this was my first relationship. It was intimidating

 

My mistake was not talking about little things that bugged me, little things that I wasn't sure about. My mistake was putting so much pressure on myself and taking things far, far too seriously. My mistake was not having patience with myself or with him. My mistake was living in a fantasy world and not reality. And when I woke up from my dream and shared my revelations with him it wasn't enough. His mistake was wanting to be my best friend immediately after we broke up. Not giving me any time to heal, though somehow HE managed to do it. I just can't believe that this is really how it ends.

 

It sounds to me like ShuShu learned a lot. I think you learn more about yourself, and what you want and don't want out of a partner. I think you learn how to be more caring and you also learn what types of behavior you won't tolerate. You can't change other people. If I decided a relationship was over, no amount of begging, crying, flowers, whatever from a man would change my mind. When someone says something, you just have to accept it. In fact, all that behavior would make me even LESS attracted to him.

 

That said, it sounds like ShuShu and her ex had quite a connection. It sounds like there are still feelings between them. Who knows, maybe, one day, they'll both be single, and they may decide to get back together again. Sometimes, people learn and grow, and only years later are they ready to have a relationship with each other again. I don't want to give false hopes, it's not likely, but sometimes it does happen. Either way, I think that the best option is for everyone to come to peace with the situation and move on. Like another poster said, how does ShuShu's current bf feel? What if he gets sick of playing second fiddle and he decides to move on....?

[ShuShu Fontana]

sorry but you won't get too much sympathy from me. here's why. you made a judgement call to break it off with him. then you get a new boyfriend and so on. what did you expect him to do? you dumped him remember.

 

He beat me to the punch by saying "I think it's best for you if we don't see each other right now." He made his call as well.

 

Yes, I should have thought things over before I agreed to this, or ever even thought about it. It was my frist relationship and a LD one at that. 2 months after we broke up is when I came to him and told him how I had had unrealistic expectations and had learned and loved him. Love was never an issue for us.

The reasons of his lack of ambition and so on are what I use now to try and help myself get over it. I ask myself if I could have been ok with all of that. And then I think that love is supposed to overcome things like that.

 

4 months after we broke up he found a new LD girlfriend. Right before this I had foolishly moved to his city in some vain attempt to win him back, to show him how wonderful it would be for us both to be in the same vicinity, to show him I had really changed. Over a year after we broke up is when I finally started dating someone else. And it rubbed him the wrong way.

 

I know what a mistake it was to break up with him. It was really a mutual thing as he agreed to break up.

Yes, I should have talked to him. I should have thought it through. I should have stopped. I should have realized how huge this would be. But I didn't. And I hate myself for it. I've tried to fix it and I can't. I don't know how to get past feeling like I made the biggest mistake, feeling like such a horrible person.

[annie24]

He beat me to the punch by saying "I think it's best for you if we don't see each other right now." He made his call as well.

 

Yes, I should have thought things over before I agreed to this, or ever even thought about it.

 

Well.... I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but since he "beat you to the punch" there was really nothing to agree to. You could agree or disagree, but it sounded like he made up his mind. I don't think anything you could have done, or any conversation you had could have changed that. When just one person decides it's over, it's over. So, don't feel bad that you didn't try to talk him out of it. Really, I'm glad you didn't try to talk him out of the breakup - it's beneath you to grovel and beg for someone to love you again...

 

But now, I think it may be more in your interest to work on your current relationship. Best of luck to you.

[ShuShu Fontana]

It wasn't one of us, it was both of us. I thought that's what I wanted. He could tell I was thinking of it. We had many, many talks in the time after our break up about whys and hows. He told me I had missed the window of opportunity to reconcile. He was never anything but sweet about it. And I cried and cried..and it was never about whether or not we loved each other. I'm just beating a dead horse.

It's just that we tried to be friends and hang out and talk all the time and it only made me feel lead on because I wasn't over him and he knew I wasn't over him. I really thought I could win him back. The bigger problem is I still have thoughts like that.

 

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate them.

[annie24]

Oh sweetie -- It's ok. I really think you should forgive yourself. It's unfortunate, like you said, that the window of opportunity closed. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know this sounds hard, but really, forgive yourself and try not to think about your ex. Even though as you said, he's in a band with your current bf. How do you feel about your current bf? Do you love him, or is he just someone to pass the time with?

 

I mean, I'm don't at all want to give you false hope, but you never know what the future has in store for you. You may wind up with your ex again one day, you might not. But, if you want to maximize your chance of getting the ex back, I think you should move on. I know, that sounds paradoxical, but seriously.... that's the way to go about it. Move on, truly move on. If it's meant to happen between you two, your paths will cross again. And if not, then... there are better things planned for you.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Thank you so much, Annie. I needed to hear that. I've been in a tailspin.

I love my boyfriend, but not in the way I've been so sure about with my ex, and with the first guy I fell in love with. I try to remember that everyone is different, that all elationships are different, and it is almost impossible for me to not compare them. I don't feel the way I expected to feel but then again, I'va had a lot of unrealistic expectations with regards to relationships. I have tried hard to learn from my past relationship and not make the same mistakes and so far, I have been successful.

 

Honestly, I don't feel that deep down solid and undeniable connection with my boyfriend that I did with my ex. Maybe that's what first love is or does, maybe my hang up with my ex has factored into it, and maybe that's just the way it is. He's a wonderful man who does so much for me and loves me a great deal. I have worked hard at moving past this madness with my ex. Sometimes that big pot hole trips me up and send me down that dark tunnel. I'm trying to be really honest with myself and why we really broke up and stop trying to placate myself with nice sounding excuses.

 

My boyfriend knows all about my trials and tribulations with my ex, as we were all friends, and decided to date me anyway. He's either a masochist or just really loves me. And when I think of what he's had to deal with as far as my bad moods and whatnot in the beginning of our relationship I feel like a jerk, too.

 

I only see my ex at the band's shows, very once in a while at the bar. We're all in the same group of friends, on the same online bulliten board and the like. We're not actively speaking to each other right now, for whatever reason he suddenly became uncomfortable around me. If we had started off that way I can only wonder where we would be now. I'm sure the silence is best for both of us. I know he still cares and is concerned about me. Whether or not that can ever again be something more time will only tell. I'm not waiting for it.

 

I guess with all the excuses I've come up with for why it was best to leave that relationship was my way of trying to forgive myself. I need to sit down and really be honest with myself and see if I can find any forgiveness in there.

 

Thank you, again. I'm in a dark place right now and it means a lot to me.

[Strandysmommy]

Did you say he has a girlfriend? If he does indeed have a girlfriend, that is a HUGE thing to consider. It's no fun to see him with another girl, but that's his girlfriend, and there's no call to hint, ask, or imply that he break up with her, to go back to you who dumped him. That makes no sense, no sense at all. I know it sounds rude, but...you brought it on yourself. You dumped him, you realize your error, and now you've learned your lesson from it all. That's how the story has to end now. And remember, you have a boyfriend too, it may be really obvious that you want your ex, and what does that perhaps do to him?