I cannot maintain NC

[Lamiales]

My boyfriend of about 13 months dumped me three weeks ago last Sunday, and I'm having a really hard time getting over it. I stopped speaking to him 5 days ago but I haven't lasted; today I went ahead and contacted him, despite knowing it isn't for the best. He was, as he has been since leaving me, fairly cold, and seemed quite uninterested in speaking with me.

 

Part of the reason I struggle is because he is spending a lot of time with someone else, staying up even until 5-6AM in conversation with this person. I do not know for certain if they are together, but it bothers me intensely and I regularly have nightmares about it.

 

Both I, he, and this someone else all attend the same college, share lessons, and I have to sit close (even right beside) at least one of them 2/3 of the time. It is currently the holiday and so I've seen less of them, but I know when I get back I'm going to have to suffer seeing them again.

 

This worries me particularly because the exams are approaching, and I NEED to do well or I won't get into my main choice of university.

 

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Is it still NC if, this time next week, I'll be sitting right next to him in a maths lesson? How can I stop the anguish of feeling replaced and thrown aside like a used toy?

 

So far, I've been told just not talking to him at all is a good idea, but it's SO hard, and it's only going to get harder when the holiday ends.

 

Help me, please.

[surfdiva]

My boyfriend of about 13 months dumped me three weeks ago last Sunday, and I'm having a really hard time getting over it. I stopped speaking to him 5 days ago but I haven't lasted; today I went ahead and contacted him, despite knowing it isn't for the best. He was, as he has been since leaving me, fairly cold, and seemed quite uninterested in speaking with me.

 

Part of the reason I struggle is because he is spending a lot of time with someone else, staying up even until 5-6AM in conversation with this person. I do not know for certain if they are together, but it bothers me intensely and I regularly have nightmares about it.

 

Both I, he, and this someone else all attend the same college, share lessons, and I have to sit close (even right beside) at least one of them 2/3 of the time. It is currently the holiday and so I've seen less of them, but I know when I get back I'm going to have to suffer seeing them again.

 

This worries me particularly because the exams are approaching, and I NEED to do well or I won't get into my main choice of university.

 

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Is it still NC if, this time next week, I'll be sitting right next to him in a maths lesson? How can I stop the anguish of feeling replaced and thrown aside like a used toy?

 

So far, I've been told just not talking to him at all is a good idea, but it's SO hard, and it's only going to get harder when the holiday ends.

 

Help me, please.

 

Can I ask how you know he's up till 5 or 6 talking to someone else?

[MasterPo]

First off, I wish there was a antidote to give you so the pain and anguish were manageable. There isn't with the exception of hard physical exertion but that wears off so it needs constant application. No original advice to give you, enough of it is coming your way, read it and formulate a strategy. Feel free to ignore all of it and make your own mistakes, we all do it only some of us admit it. I've done it, broke NC a few times thinking I was some kind of special. Nope. Hurt like a mother with no advantage other than learning by bad experience.

 

Advice??? Take a moment, breath and start by taking care of yourself. Now go find a big bucket of something decadent, enjoy and read some of the archived ENA. Find out about this love thing and my wish for you is to take what you need and start on the road to healing. I wish you good luck.

 

YANA

[Lamiales]

Well, I woke up one morning after our breakup before I'd even encountered the concept of NC and was still trying to win him back. Over facebook, it said he was online 3 hours ago, and I'd checked at 9 AM ish.

When I was alone with him next, I asked if it was the case he'd been up speaking to the person in question, and he confirmed that it was.

[Doc Blaze]

Well, I woke up one morning after our breakup before I'd even encountered the concept of NC and was still trying to win him back. Over facebook, it said he was online 3 hours ago, and I'd checked at 9 AM ish.

When I was alone with him next, I asked if it was the case he'd been up speaking to the person in question, and he confirmed that it was.

 

you need to take him off fb and need to stop asking questions.

[LovelyDani87]

There's nothing you can do, allow time to work its magic. You will hurt for a while but eventually you'll be able to cope and live life again. He has already moved on unfortunately, continue NC to heal and don't look back.

[Ms Darcy]

Print out a pic of him and staple it to your pillow. Talk to it and not him. And punch it for a few seconds ... then focus on other things.

 

Hugs!

[boltnrun]

You CAN maintain no contact, you're choosing not to.

 

Tell us, does it feel good when you see things that indicate he's seeing someone else?

[Lamiales]

Tell us, does it feel good when you see things that indicate he's seeing someone else?

 

No, it makes me feel like I'm dying, and my chest aches terribly.

[boltnrun]

No, it makes me feel like I'm dying, and my chest aches terribly.

 

So why are you deliberately torturing yourself by looking?

 

Yes, you CAN help it.

[lostlove76]

Well, I woke up one morning after our breakup before I'd even encountered the concept of NC and was still trying to win him back. Over facebook, it said he was online 3 hours ago, and I'd checked at 9 AM ish.

When I was alone with him next, I asked if it was the case he'd been up speaking to the person in question, and he confirmed that it was.

 

I would say delete him off fb. Checking to see when he was last on is going to drive you absolutely crazy, and you're going to place huge meaning in when he was last on. If he's been on, you'll think he was talking to this girl. If he hasn't been on, you'll think he was with her in person. Trust me, I've done this! And it can easily become an obsession. Best to delete so that you can't look (and don't ask your friends to look for you - yeah, I've done that one too).

[turnbaktime]

First off, I wish there was a antidote to give you so the pain and anguish were manageable. There isn't with the exception of hard physical exertion but that wears off so it needs constant application. No original advice to give you, enough of it is coming your way, read it and formulate a strategy. Feel free to ignore all of it and make your own mistakes, we all do it only some of us admit it. I've done it, broke NC a few times thinking I was some kind of special. Nope. Hurt like a mother with no advantage other than learning by bad experience.

 

Advice??? Take a moment, breath and start by taking care of yourself. Now go find a big bucket of something decadent, enjoy and read some of the archived ENA. Find out about this love thing and my wish for you is to take what you need and start on the road to healing. I wish you good luck.

 

YANA

 

Really great reply. I think that spoke to so many of us or should have at least to those contemplating breaking no contact. You think that you may feel worse now but once you break nc and it doesn't work out the way you think, it feels like hell, when you don't receive the reception that you fantasized about in your head and then you have to start from scratch. OP, I work with my ex and I truly understand how miserable you are so only advice that I can give is just try to ignore them and concentrate on getting through school, after all its for your benefit not your ex's. Success and happiness is the best revenge. If I can do it anyone can and I was a hot mess. Hang in there OP and take the advice of the other posters because they have lived it and are looking out for your best interests.

[Davidator]

To be honest... I am not so sure this forced NC is the best thing to get better. NC somehow makes us idealize our ex, because we leave it all up to the imagination, where he or she becomes this perfect person rather than the person with flaws that they are in reality.

 

I think a low contact could be the best. If you think you need to write him to confirm the idea he's not the best for you, go ahead. I think the problem comes when we contact in an obsessive way, with the intention to get them back. I a previous breakup I called my ex after one month of NC: all my idealizations during that time went down the sink and I heard her cold, arrogant voice, talking to me as a stranger one month after the break up (we were together 5,5 years). I hold on to the sound of that voice when I was feeling worse and I used it to remind me that the break up was for the best. That was one of the very few times there was a contact between us in that breakup. Today we are "friends" (meaning "Whatsapp friends" with occasional messaging)

 

So, in my case a low contact having in mind that I was not trying to get her back, helped. But I wouldnt recommend you to talk to him every day or even every week... It really should be LOW contact.

 

Good luck

David

 

 

EDIT: DO delete him from Facebook!!!!

[JA0371]

To be honest... I am not so sure this forced NC is the best thing to get better. NC somehow makes us idealize our ex, because we leave it all up to the imagination, where he or she becomes this perfect person rather than the person with flaws that they are in reality.

 

I think a low contact could be the best. If you think you need to write him to confirm the idea he's not the best for you, go ahead. I think the problem comes when we contact in an obsessive way, with the intention to get them back. I a previous breakup I called my ex after one month of NC: all my idealizations during that time went down the sink and I heard her cold, arrogant voice, talking to me as a stranger one month after the break up (we were together 5,5 years). I hold on to the sound of that voice when I was feeling worse and I used it to remind me that the break up was for the best. That was one of the very few times there was a contact between us in that breakup. Today we are "friends" (meaning "Whatsapp friends" with occasional messaging)

 

So, in my case a low contact having in mind that I was not trying to get her back, helped. But I wouldnt recommend you to talk to him every day or even every week... It really should be LOW contact.

 

Good luck

David

 

 

EDIT: DO delete him from Facebook!!!!

 

 

I agree. Knowing how 'emotionally cold' and removed my ex was actually helped me finally remove him off my FB. The truth is that you are NOT 'friends" ...you are former lovers. Huge difference. Also, you CAN do NC, you are choosing to torment yourself.

[No1]

What helped me is to change my words and that will change my mindset. Instead of saying words like "Cant" you say you "Havent" You havent maintained NC. Rather than saying you Cant let him go, you say I havent let him go. Cant is so final and sounds like you are not giving yourself a chance, by saying havent you give yourself a chance to change. Then you can say I HAVE maintained NC, I HAVE let him go.

Instead of wondering how he could be talking to another girl. You tell yourself that you deserve better. This guy is her problem now and soon enough he will be talking to another new girl and you wont have to worry. It will be her problem, not yours.

Know you are beautiful, hot, you are going to be with a great guy and its just a matter of time. You just havent met him yet.

[Realitynut]

With the ex that brought me here...I too think LC was best. He lived 4 hrs away...so I at least couldn't stalk. But when I heard the words...Yes I think I DO love her.....the reality finally set in!!! lol

 

Now with this last guy...he was so on and off for the last 2 years, you never KNEW what was going on. And now that he has another woman, it was still hard to figure out, cuz he threw breadcrumbs. A week ago today, he stopped by my office. 2 weeks before that...he told me never to contact him again... and he'd never contact me! And here he was...in my parking lot. huh?

 

So when he came in, I asked if he was still pursuing her. (if the answer was yes...I was going to tell him to leave) but his answer was 'not so much'. (hahahaha...a lie)

 

So 4 hrs later, he claimed he never said that.

 

Following his/her meetup group...I saw their pic together, just days after he 'screwed' me.

 

Well....that did it for me. Heartsick. He's a liar.

 

Then why do I still care? Read on here about 'intermittent reinforcement'. Yep. For 2 years. Addiction.

 

Now on to another long road of recovery.

 

Sucks.

[Lamiales]

Realitynut, I'm very sorry to read what you're going through. I am curious:

 

Do you think it's true when they say experiencing pain like this makes you a better person? Do you think your first heartbreak might help you cope with your second, or does it not get any easier?

 

I know how it feels when you're replaced, but I do now also know, should I ever come to end a relationship with someone, precisely what NOT to do. I truly hope you feel better soon, such feelings as these don't deserve to be felt more than once in a lifetime, in my view.

[Realitynut]

I don't think ANY of my previous relationships hurt as much as these last two. Why? Because I was young. It took me a few weeks and I was back at the bar...looking for love. lol It was actually dancing establishments, not just drinking bars!

 

But when you're young, you bounce back. I then got married for 20 years....I couldn't stand him for 19 1/2. He had proposed in 1 month, and we were married in 10 months. If we would have dated longer, I would never have married him. His now wife...he married in 8 months and they are happy.

 

As I was going thru the beginning of the Divorce, I met who I thought was 'the one'. But I also thought I could be a 'toxic' person (I have issues....) and he would love me as I am. 3 years later I found out I was wrong.

 

We were planning a wedding...lol...scratch that...I was, and he met someone else. I think it was his way out! Now....I see he wasn't perfect either! He has now been divorced 20 years, and still playing the field. Unfortunately, I had my wedding dress, the date, etc. I was devastated. My whole future was gone. But I also learned that I had some issues I had to work on.

 

So 2 years I was still moping about that, and trying to meet other guys and having no luck. Met like around 40....nothing clicked.

 

Met the now ex....and we really hit it off....but I wasn't sexually attracted. He was to me. I became very mentally and emotionally attached. 10 months later, he said he was looking to date others, he needed intimacy. Even tho we saw each other daily....and I spent some nights at his house (on the couch) I wouldn't get physical...no kissing. I found that if I ever did hook up with a guy....they'd go poof the next day.

 

So to make a long story longer....April 11 2 years ago we did the deed. I had kissed him the day before and WOW. I guess I should have done it sooner. But the minute we 'did' it, he changed. I mean the MINUTE. He said...don't text me or call me tomorrow. We were use to being in constant touch.

 

He was always hot/cold. Angry/loving. I was always trying to win his affections. Compared to how I acted when I was with the ex-fiancé...I was an ANGEL! lol

 

If i'd get my feelings hurt, I tried my hardest to get over it.

 

I told him at the very beginning I thought I had borderline personality disorder and showed him what it was all about on the internet.

 

2 years later, he used it against me.

 

It's too early to see if it's going to make me a better person. I've learned that i'm not going to jump right into another relationship...and not even LOOK. I was constantly looking after all the other relationships ended. Searching for my mate.

 

I am now 61. I still want to be married. I like the day to day interaction, that you know a spouse (if you like them) will be there for you...just for the companionship.

 

Oh yeah...when I was married...no sex for 15 years. I do not have sex with people I don't like. And I did NOT like my husband. Abusive (physically, emotionally, and verbally) I had bruises on my wedding day...and lost a baby the week I was getting married. (only 2 months along)

 

Sorry...don't mean for this to sound like a sob story....but is this pain making me a better person? At this point I just can't see it. I got up today and sat on the couch for 9 hours. I did get dressed and put on shoes to go walking...and here I'm still on here.

 

I deactivated fb today. But no biggy...we weren't friends anyway. Knowing he has another woman really hurts.

 

It does help that all my customers say, "Carla....you might have issues...but he has MUCH BIGGER ones."

 

With my BPD....I put all the blame on myself. I read once, that no one will EVERY want to be with someone who has BPD. (it's a personality disorder...fear of abandonment and rejection...along with a host of other probs! ugh) He had commitment problems. And anger problems. But great sex once I let it happen! lol...LOTS of PASSION!

 

What I HAVE to learn is to walk away from toxic relationships much sooner. He walked because even tho he loved the sex and passion with me...he said no one ever made him so angry before. We triggered each other...but I felt like I tried sooooo hard. He claims he tried hard too...but I didn't see it. He only wanted me, after he pushed me away...and saw me starting to look at other guys. Then he came running back. Until he found his 'kindred' spirit. His term.

 

So sucks for me, to be 61 and starting over.

 

The problem being, there aren't a lot of guys around at this age, that are worth ONE look, much less TWO! lol I like to kayak, and last year I kayaked 92 miles in 6 days. 21 miles the last day. Not a lot of people will do that. I camped on a sandbar last year...with a group, but by myself. Bf and I were broke up again.

 

I traveled to Florida in my van...sleeping in the forest by myself....kayaking...by myself. I just hiked last Sunday, 5 hours off trail with a group. Not a lot of 50 year old guys are into that...much less 60. So I hope the pain leaves soon.

 

After the fiancé guy left me for another woman, I went through a DEEP depression and saw a counselor. All I did was cry.

 

I'm not that bad this time....YAY! I get out of bed at least....

 

Sorry this is so long...but you asked....hahahaha...and this is my therapy!

 

I guess I feel I'm running out of time.