Was there commitment issues? Another guy? What!?

[itsallgrand]

I guess putting peoples lives in jeopardy (including children) because I can't think straight isn't an excuse? Therapy probably is a good idea...a little expensive for an unemployed person though, don't you think?

 

The point is it is on you to take responsibility for your life and choices. Therapy could help you with that, and be a step in the right direction. One of owning your own control.

 

You chose to get involved with a very young girl who also is a coworker. That was poor judgement. Own it instead of justifying it and why you are helpless because you are not.

 

There are many free and low cost options in many places. Have you explored them? I mean as far as getting help to get your life on track

[BlarneyStone]

I was seeing a girl who said she dated a dude when she was 18 and he was 27. I was like... Why?

 

Girls who claim they like older men--young girls like that--have no idea what they're doing or getting themselves into. And the 27 year old guy has even less of a clue.

[Shane Falco]

You're saying you're more on the level of a 17/18 year old teenager? That's even more concerning (imo)..

 

Yeah, a 28 and 18-year-old should not be at the same life level. And that might have been a turnoff for her too -- she was expecting a bit more maturity from him and didn't see it.

[boltnrun]

What I don't get is why you think you "need" her to meet people. Or why you can't make any kind of changes or improvements in your life unless she "helps" you.

 

And did I read that you're unemployed? Or did I misread?

 

I will tell you that my brother in law has been with his wife since he was 24 and she was 14. Yep, you read that right. Difference is, she never broke up with him. She admired him and then when she was older they got into a proper relationship. And he never "needed" her "help" meeting people, getting jobs, making connections, etc. He was doing all of that on his own.

[JustAGoodGuy]

I guess I should've just left age out of the equation if I wanted any real advice...

 

None of you know what I've been through in my life that makes us be at vert much the same "stage of life"...so...

 

I'm done here.

In a way, all of your unhelpfulness (I don't even know if that's a word) has actually helped. It's helped me realize that most of you (not all) are judgemental people who don't have the right to judge me or are even capable of judging me. You don't know who I am, what I've been through, or who I was in the past.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Since you're all so focused on the age thing, let me point out a few of the key points from my original post that I wanted thoughts and opinions on:

 

Valentine's day: We had spoken on the phone the NIGHT BEFORE (Valentine's day). We had the whole day planned ahead of us and we were BOTH EXCITED. When I called her the NEXT DAY (Valentine's day) she was crying and told me she didn't wanna talk to me and told me she might call me later. I was concerned and upset. I tried calling a couple times that day but she wouldn't answer. I finally got through to her the next day. She was still upset and simply said, "I'll be by in a couple hours to get my things". I asked, "are you breaking up with me?". She started crying and said, "yes".

 

Kinda out of the blue don't you think? Everything was great in our relationship up until this point.

 

She came over later that evening and got some of her stuff but PURPOSELY left a few things behind.

 

Trying to keep ties? Excuses or reasons to come back? She also wanted to keep some of my things at her place, I might add.

 

We still talked to each other for a few days after we broke up, mostly on facebook -- She was comforting and reassuring throughout that time but she finally told me to give her space and I did. I told her I might decide to delete/block her if I keep feeling the urge to message her so she could have her space and she understood. She later deleted and blocked me but NOT MY FAMILY.

 

Yes, deleting/blocking me could be considered a sign that she wants me gone. Or perhaps she deleted/blocked me and kept my family around so she can keep tabs on me but I can't keep tabs on her. And she only did it after I said that I might do it. Again, trying to keep some sort of tie? A control thing maybe? If I had deleted/blocked her 1st then some of the control would've been relinquished to me. I have noticed some controlling tendencies iin her so...none of which were dealbreakers for me though. I look for a bit of that in a woman. It keeps me in check. She also still has the picture of us as her profile picture, just throwing that out there too.

 

Her birthday is this Friday and I'm wondering if that would be a good opportunity to contact her as a friend and hopefully get back to speaking to her again. If so, I don't know what I should say. I was thinking just a text like "Hey, just wanna wish you a happy birthday! Hope you have a great night! Call me some time!" I know she would definitely thank me for the birthday wish but I'd like it to go FURTHER THAN THAT. I would feel good knowing that I was a good friend and wished her the best.

 

By "further than that"...I meant, I'd like to further the conversation with her and I was wondering a good way to go about it. I don't need your judgemental comments about age. Seems like everyone on here is trying to be a psychology expert.

[Clio]

Having read your whole post, if you end up texting her do NOT ask her to call you sometime. That is needy/clingy. The fact that she has blocked you shows that she doesn't want to communicate anymore. You need to respect that. The break up of a relationship is NOT a democratic process. It only takes one person and some people just up and leave. You got more explanation than some other dumpees. She wants to date around. She doesn't see you as the ONE. She tried being with you and she decided that she wants to keep searching for someone different than you. It sounds like you had/have a difficult life. You say that you made positive changes through this experience. It would be a shame to waste it by holding on to someone who has clearly shown to you that it's over. Your best bet IS to go NC and keep trying to improve your life on your own. This girl is NOT the one for you. Her actions have clearly shown that. You need to accept it, respect her decision, grieve and move on. Finding a new job will help you meet new people and take your mind off things. Focusing on her is toxic. She is the cause of your pain therefore she cannot be the cure. You need to accept that there is nothing you can do to change her mind. Staying around her will only keep you stuck or make things worse. The answer lies in doing NEW healthy things with NEW people that have nothing to do with her. Good luck!

[Clio]

P.s. Many dumpers do what your ex did. Leaving out of the blue yet cutting ties gradually instead of all at once. The signs you mention mean nothing substantial and sadly they don't change the final outcome, only waste the dumpee's time. There is someone out there who is much better suited for you. She is NOT otherwise none of this would have happened. You deserve someone who will want to be with you. As much as it hurts right now, you need to move on forward without her.

[Clinton]

Oh your "judgement" is based on assumptions, not facts...and I care what you think because...?

 

Because you keep replying to the post's.

 

And my opinion of what you're doing is based on what you wrote and cold hard numbers.

[LD1990]

JustAGoodGuy, your first post also asked for people's thoughts and opinions, which is exactly what everyone has given you. You've got several people telling you that the age difference is an issue and you should leave this girl alone since she blocked you. Everyone here is unbiased and simply providing their opinion based on their own knowledge and life experience. You, on the other hand, are bound to be biased about this because you still want to be with this girl.

 

It seems like you don't actually want advice, just people to tell you what you want to hear. If so, there are a million "get your ex back" systems that will take your money and give you all kinds of ideas that probably won't work. The fact is that this is out of your control. If she wanted to be friends with you, she would be friends with you. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, she'd be your girlfriend. She blocked you. You can try to read her mind and figure out what's going on in her head, but the simplest solution is usually the best: she blocked you because she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.

[JustAGoodGuy]

P.s. Many dumpers do what your ex did. Leaving out of the blue yet cutting ties gradually instead of all at once. The signs you mention mean nothing substantial and sadly they don't change the final outcome, only waste the dumpee's time.

 

Yes, except it was me cutting off most of the ties. She really did want to keep my belongings as a "friendship promise" sorta thing and she seemed to have no interest in getting her belongings back. I basically told her it wasn't helping me heal knowing that she had my things and could decide when or if, she ever wanted to talk to me again while I'm left in limbo. She understood my reasoning, gave my stuff back, and still promised that she would call me sometime, we would still be good friends, and that she just wasn't ready yet.

Either way, whatever her intentions were/are, it does feel like those signs were wasting my time and hindering my recovery process. I made that clear to her too, yet she still insisted we would be good friends. I'd much rather hear the worst right away, the "give it to me straight" thing to help me recover instead of being strung along and prolonging the pain. I guess that's sorta one reason I'd like to be on speaking terms again and I thought her birthday could be a good opportunity to show her that I want to be friendly and that I've let go of any resentment. If she wants to be friends, great, I'm willing to take the necessary steps. If not, fine, I can start healing much faster knowing.

[Clio]

Either way, whatever her intentions were/are, it does feel like those signs were wasting my time and hindering my recovery process. I made that clear to her too, yet she still insisted we would be good friends. I'd much rather hear the worst right away, the "give it to me straight" thing to help me recover instead of being strung along and prolonging the pain. I guess that's sorta one reason I'd like to be on speaking terms again and I thought her birthday could be a good opportunity to show her that I want to be friendly and that I've let go of any resentment. If she wants to be friends, great, I'm willing to take the necessary steps. If not, fine, I can start healing much faster knowing.

 

You cannot control other people's actions. You didn't cut off most of the ties, SHE DID by breaking up with you in the first place. The person who cares less is the one who is in control. The only one who can stop her from wasting your time is you. Many dumpers say that they want to stay friends afterwards. "Give it to you straight" is not going to happen in your case. She is not a "Give it to you straight" kind of person at this point in her life. Being on speaking terms is only going to keep you in limbo and hinder your recovery process, only it is YOU who will be doing this to yourself NOT her. You cannot be friends with her for as long as you have a thing for her. If you think that, you are in MAJOR denial mode. Anyway, people in here have warned you. You are an adult making an informed choice.

[JustAGoodGuy]

You cannot be friends with her for as long as you have a thing for her. If you think that, you are in MAJOR denial mode. Anyway, people in here have warned you. You are an adult making an informed choice.

 

Yes, there's still SOME denial going on. That's because I've only BEGUN to scratch the surface on things she's said and done to make me believe otherwise, but there's no point getting into all of it.

In the end, I will most likely still give her the birthday wish. In a way, it will give me some closure and peace of mind knowing that I was STILL able to be there for her as a friend whether she wants that or was just saying it. If she doesn't want to return it, then I can move on knowing I was the better person for being honest with her and I was able to let go of any resentment that has built up post-breakup.

 

Only tough part is, me not knowing what I did wrong, or what I could've done better, if anything at all. It's like there isn't anything I can improve upon for future relationships yet this has been somewhat of a pattern in past relationships so it feels like there IS something I don't know about.

[Clio]

Only tough part is, me not knowing what I did wrong, or what I could've done better, if anything at all. It's like there isn't anything I can improve upon for future relationships yet this has been somewhat of a pattern in past relationships so it feels like there IS something I don't know about.

 

I think that your answer lies in this:

 

I've always had low self-esteem, no confidence...

 

In my experience, this eventually drives people away. (And so is drugs/alcohol so make sure that you don't go there.) If you can improve on your self-esteem and your confidence, I think that this will do wonders for your personal life. Not an easy thing to do, but the higher your self-esteem, the better the quality of people that you will attract. Self-improvement is a perpetual process for everyone. Finding a new job is key. Doing some kind of new skills training could also be helpful. Anything that would make you proud of yourself really.

[JustAGoodGuy]

I've always had low self-esteem, no confidence...

 

In my experience, this eventually drives people away. (And so is drugs/alcohol so make sure that you don't go there.) If you can improve on your self-esteem and your confidence, I think that this will do wonders for your personal life.

 

Yes, except I wasn't like that while I was with her so how it can drive her away...I don't know. I don't know if that's what you're saying but anyways, yes, it is something to improve on but have always struggled with and got nowhere with it until I met her.

[Capricorn3]

I'm done here.

In a way, all of your unhelpfulness (I don't even know if that's a word) has actually helped. It's helped me realize that most of you (not all) are judgemental people who don't have the right to judge me or are even capable of judging me. You don't know who I am, what I've been through, or who I was in the past.

Of course no-one here knows you. People can only respond to the information YOU give them. They are not mind-readers. Why don't you share whatever it was that you "have been through or who you were in the past", so that people can have a better understanding of what this is all really about?

[JustAGoodGuy]

Why don't you share whatever it was that you "have been through or who you were in the past", so that people can have a better understanding of what this is all really about?

 

Ok well, first off I've been getting comments like this...

 

You're saying you're more on the level of a 17/18 year old teenager? That's even more concerning (imo)..

 

...and the whole different "stages of life" and "life experience things...

 

Well, I'll try to make this short...I began using drugs and alcohol at a very young age (around 13 or 14) as a way to cope with some of my "short-comings" (self-esteem, confidence, anxiety, etc...). I used them as a "crutch" up until I was about 23 before I tackled my demons head on and all by myself. I've came a long way since then but it was still always a struggle and would relapse all the time. Until I met her. During the time I "used", I missed out on alot of growing up and those same stages of life she's going through now. I haven't gained much life experience in that time either. In some ways, she had more life experience than me. Once I met her, I had purpose. All I wanted to do now was be the man she deserved to have and I was constantly moving in the right direction. I no longer needed drugs and alcohol, and we were on very much the same level (or very close to) maturity-wise and life experience-wise. We saw eye to eye about everything and we were growing together and learning about the same aspects of life...together.

[JustAGoodGuy]

She was all the motivation I ever needed to get out there, make career goals like she was doing. I was thinking about going to college too if I couldn't find anything "career worthy" soon and her family has become more of a "family" to me than my own. Her mother even wanted to help pay for it if I found something I wanted to take.

[Clio]

Yes, except I wasn't like that while I was with her so how it can drive her away...I don't know. I don't know if that's what you're saying but anyways, yes, it is something to improve on but have always struggled with and got nowhere with it until I met her.

 

Self-esteem and confidence needs to come from within, NOT be tied to another person. That way, even if the other person leaves, you can stand on your own two feet. People can sense how we feel about our self and, in time, they tend to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. I think that this is a subconscious mechanism, hence it is difficult to pinpoint what is happening. If you learn to love yourself REGARDLESS of whether you are in a relationship or not, then the right people will follow suit and you will also be able to let go of unsuitable matches quicker. Being too emotionally dependent on others and uncertain about your own self-worth is a deterrent when it comes to relationships. It subconsciously drives people away. This girl is not a good match for you. You are in too different life phases and she DOESN'T want to deal with this. Your best bet to finding happiness again is to focus on achieving things that will make you proud about yourself and once you feel happy with yourself THEN try with a new person.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Kinda had a feeling...

 

So today I decided to check my emails for the 1st time in a long time and when I went to log in, I noticed that her email was still on my computer, password saved and everything. Now, I'm usually not a nosey person at all so tell me if I'm wrong for looking. I found some pretty incriminating things on there...

It sure does put a whole new perspective on things...

[Shane Falco]

Kinda had a feeling...

 

So today I decided to check my emails for the 1st time in a long time and when I went to log in, I noticed that her email was still on my computer, password saved and everything. Now, I'm usually not a nosey person at all so tell me if I'm wrong for looking. I found some pretty incriminating things on there...

It sure does put a whole new perspective on things...

 

It's definitely uncool to look. I really hope you logged out of her account. That being said, if this stops you from chasing (or being tempted to chase) and moping and actually gets you to start moving forward than this indiscretion could be a net positive. However, please don't do it again and never bring up the information you found out to her.

[JustAGoodGuy]

It's definitely uncool to look. I really hope you logged out of her account. That being said, if this stops you from chasing (or being tempted to chase) and moping and actually gets you to start moving forward than this indiscretion could be a net positive. However, please don't do it again and never bring up the information you found out to her.

 

It was wrong to look I know, but it has confirmed a few of my suspicions and there is indeed another guy. It hurts yea, but I feel better knowing that my suspicions were correct and I've had every right to be as upset as I've been. The whole thing reeks of "rebound" and she doesn't even know it yet. In a couple emails, I found out that she went out to a movie with this guy and one of her girl friends the DAY AFTER we broke up and within about a week she was telling her mother things like, "he's a keeper". *VOMIT*

 

My 1st suspicion there was another guy was when I arranged to exchange our belongings after work to AVOID anything too confrontational. Seemed like a good way to go, no? Well...she decided that she's going to hitch a ride with some guy, and bring my stuff in his truck. She claimed her "car broke down" (can't prove or disprove that) and it was just her "friends brother". Yea, it was her friends brother but all I could think was, "why the hell would you get a ride with your bestfriends brother, someone you never hungout with before, instead of...oh I don't know...maybe...YOUR FRIEND!?". I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the time but I still thought it was the unclassiest thing ever. I was trying to avoid having confrontation and she brings a guy into the mix!? New boyfriend or not, I thought it was a disrespectful thing to do considering emotions were still running high. She even made me open the door and grab my stuff while she sat there in the passenger seat. i kept my cool about it though, I quietly grabbed my stuff and may or may not have slammed his door a little hard (I wanted to pound the s**t out of him tbh) I was understandably pretty upset about this. I was wrong to be assuming the worst but hey, now who's wrong?

 

In my opinion (and many others), this guy is a major downgrade in appearance from me. I don't know him on a personal level (who knows...he could be a nice guy) and I know that it's not all about looks but c'mon. It became very apparent what she was attracted to. His material things. He has a big truck, big (parents) house, ATV's, snowmobiles, etc...(a spoiled brat imo) he has a bunch of "wow factors" for a young girl and it must've seemed like a huge "convenience" for her to have a boyfriend whose sister is your bestfriend also. It really showed me what she truly values in a relationship at this point, even though she never made herself out to be that type of person.

 

Call me cynical, but I find this all kind of funny because once the novelty of the material things wears off and she can see that maybe he's not right for her and decides to end it, what'll happen to her friendship with his sister once she breaks her brothers heart? I'm not saying for certain it won't work out, but chances are, it's a rebound and it won't. I already know that she's been doing the same things with him that her and I would do together and is most-likely searching for "me" in him and she won't find it. She had no time to heal in between relationships.

 

So, I WILL be giving her that birthday wish tomorrow, the nicest one she's ever gotten, as my final reminder of what she gave up on and will never get back and I AM moving on.

 

Any "?" you see in this post are meant to be rhetorical and do not need to be addressed but your thoughts are still welcome.

[overthemoon86]

It really showed me what she truly values in a relationship at this point, even though she never made herself out to be that type of person.

 

.

 

She is 18, she has no idea what she values in a relationship...she isn't ready for one. And it's best that this happens now instead of dragging out. I would stop talking to her, stop checking her email too (not cool). The relationship is over, but you aren't over. Take this as a lesson. It's really not a good idea to get involved with someone at work let alone someone who is 10 years younger than you...who is basically a child. What did you expect? You couldn't have possibly thought it was going to work out. She is still so young and is still finding herself. You are on two very different levels. Heal and move on.

[Shane Falco]

It was wrong to look I know, but it has confirmed a few of my suspicions and there is indeed another guy. It hurts yea, but I feel better knowing that my suspicions were correct and I've had every right to be as upset as I've been. The whole thing reeks of "rebound" and she doesn't even know it yet. In a couple emails, I found out that she went out to a movie with this guy and one of her girl friends the DAY AFTER we broke up and within about a week she was telling her mother things like, "he's a keeper". *VOMIT*

 

My 1st suspicion there was another guy was when I arranged to exchange our belongings after work to AVOID anything too confrontational. Seemed like a good way to go, no? Well...she decided that she's going to hitch a ride with some guy, and bring my stuff in his truck. She claimed her "car broke down" (can't prove or disprove that) and it was just her "friends brother". Yea, it was her friends brother but all I could think was, "why the hell would you get a ride with your bestfriends brother, someone you never hungout with before, instead of...oh I don't know...maybe...YOUR FRIEND!?". I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the time but I still thought it was the unclassiest thing ever. I was trying to avoid having confrontation and she brings a guy into the mix!? New boyfriend or not, I thought it was a disrespectful thing to do considering emotions were still running high. She even made me open the door and grab my stuff while she sat there in the passenger seat. i kept my cool about it though, I quietly grabbed my stuff and may or may not have slammed his door a little hard (I wanted to pound the s**t out of him tbh) I was understandably pretty upset about this. I was wrong to be assuming the worst but hey, now who's wrong?

 

In my opinion (and many others), this guy is a major downgrade in appearance from me. I don't know him on a personal level (who knows...he could be a nice guy) and I know that it's not all about looks but c'mon. It became very apparent what she was attracted to. His material things. He has a big truck, big (parents) house, ATV's, snowmobiles, etc...(a spoiled brat imo) he has a bunch of "wow factors" for a young girl and it must've seemed like a huge "convenience" for her to have a boyfriend whose sister is your bestfriend also. It really showed me what she truly values in a relationship at this point, even though she never made herself out to be that type of person.

 

Call me cynical, but I find this all kind of funny because once the novelty of the material things wears off and she can see that maybe he's not right for her and decides to end it, what'll happen to her friendship with his sister once she breaks her brothers heart? I'm not saying for certain it won't work out, but chances are, it's a rebound and it won't. I already know that she's been doing the same things with him that her and I would do together and is most-likely searching for "me" in him and she won't find it. She had no time to heal in between relationships.

 

So, I WILL be giving her that birthday wish tomorrow, the nicest one she's ever gotten, as my final reminder of what she gave up on and will never get back and I AM moving on.

 

Any "?" you see in this post are meant to be rhetorical and do not need to be addressed but your thoughts are still welcome.

 

Skip the birthday wish, whatever the hell that is. It's time for you to turn the page forward, not to keep going backward.

[LD1990]

JustAGoodGuy, I was in a similar position. I strongly suspect my ex-girlfriend was flirting with a guy while with me and is now in a rebound relationship with him, although she denies it. I've gone through basically the same thought process as you...he's a downgrade, she's looking for basically the opposite of me, it won't last, etc. It sucks I know. The philosophy that helped me throughout my breakup was whatever you think is best, just do the opposite. Usually your emotions strongly influence you one way, and you ignore all logic to follow your heart. I'd recommend skipping the birthday wish. Don't give her the satisfaction, because that's all she'll get out of it. You can send her the nicest birthday wish she has ever gotten, but it's not gonna make her think about all she gave up. It's gonna make her think "He still thinks about me, he still wants me." Not sending her anything ever again sends a much stronger message, trust me. It's actually my ex's birthday in a couple days, so I'm going through the same thing here, but there's no way I'm gonna send her anything.