Jump to content

Contemplating leaving 4 year relationship. Met someone new... very complicated.


Recommended Posts

So, I need some advice. This might sound convoluted or all over the place, so I'm sorry, but I'm a bit tired and in a hurry as I type this out. I need advice as soon as possible on this matter, as things are starting to change around me rapidly.


Basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. I'm 24 and he's 27. He has always been loyal and honest with me, which is something I value greatly. In fact, he had been so blunt and honest about some things in the past that we had a very rocky start to our relationship. Which is probably messed up, but our relationship is not.. normal. We fought from the beginning, and never really had that "honeymoon" phase (or if we did, it was too brief to have any affect). Our personalities contrast greatly. He had also just come out of a long 6 year relationship, which I informed him was a bad idea to start seeing me so quickly after. But he assured me he was ready to move on, and I was desperate enough to go along with his bickering and nagging about how I wasn't doing what his ex did, and how he didn't understand me at all. He just kept bringing her up and comparing us constantly for many months, which caused me to want to change things about myself. He also had a horrible temper, and would constantly say things that hurt me. I was at a weird and insecure point in my life, where I just needed to be with someone. He was the person most interested in me at the time, so I gave it a shot. One day, I caught myself really falling for him, and from then on I'd decided I would stay with him and work through this mess that was the start of our relationship. It all turned out well in the end, as he is now one of the best boyfriends I've ever had. He loves me, he's loyal, he makes me feel secure, we have fun doing things together, and we have a very committed relationship with a sex life that I'm happy with.


However, there are crucial things our relationship has always been missing. For one, a satisfying level of affection. It seems, we both want affection, but neither of us are very good at displaying it for one another. For me, I believe my lack of affection towards him is the result of us starting off on the wrong foot. But for him, he tells me, he is simply bad at displaying affection. He's not the lovey-dovey type. We've had many conversations about this, but nothing gets resolved.


I dunno, there's just so much to explain about our relationship. I mean, it's been four years with this guy. We've gone through a lot together.


It's just, for a very long time I always wondered when the day would come that we would split. I felt that our relationship was too rocky, we were too different, and it would ultimately come to an end someday. In the mean time, we could just keep each other company, because we do have fun together, and I wasn't totally writing off the idea of spending the rest of my life with him. Another thing though, he wants kids, he wants to settle down, he's not looking to explore or travel or see the world like I want to. Which makes me a little uneasy, as my life feels as though it is just beginning. I'm just getting my footing, starting my career, still figuring out where I want to settle in the world. I feel as though I may regret settling down so early in life. I still feel so young.


But I love and support this guy. He's been my rock. I truly enjoy our time and experiences together. And we are very, possibly unhealthily so, committed to one another. Both of us are willing to stick together through anything, which that alone makes me want to never let him go. I've never felt more secure in a relationship.


Alas, the moment has finally come. After only being interested in my boyfriend for the past 4 years, I've finally met someone who sparks my interest again. Someone who I could potentially get off on the right foot with, who may be more affectionate in ways that would make me feel good. So now we move into this chapter of my wall of text.


I've been flirting with another guy. It was innocent at first. I simply wanted to see what would happen, or if anything serious would come out of it, but I had assumed nothing would... because... another hiccup.. he also has a girlfriend. So I just figured we could flirt sometimes, have innocent little interactions here and there, no big deal. I wasn't about to give up my boyfriend so readily, and I don't want to be with a guy willing to cheat on someone so easily anyway. Well, over the past couple months.. things have been escalating between us. Nothing physical has happened, but we've been talking more and more, and openly flirting in a more serious manner. He wants to hang out with me now. We kinda said a little bit too much to each other on facebook last night. I'm now in a very complicated situation. I'm afraid things won't work out with this guy. He and his girlfriend have only been together for 1, maybe 2 years. He seems to lose interest in people too quickly. But he's brought so much fun and excitement into my life that I am having a really difficult time cutting this off and backing away now. I'm also having a really difficult time figuring out if I should keeping fighting through this to remain with my boyfriend, or if I'm ready to just be single again. I've said he isn't my ideal guy, but he is so special to me, and possibly essential to my happiness. I may be getting too comfortable with our relationship, too used to it, and not able to realize the impact that breaking up would have on my life just yet. He's so ingrained into my life and my routines. He's a huge part of what makes me.. me. However, as of now, I just want to keep flirting with this guy. We work together. Not all the time, but currently we are. And I'm seeing him again today, for work. After our conversation last night, I'm afraid something bigger may happen today, or sometime soon at least. I'm so conflicted and lost. I don't know what's best for me. I feel that my boyfriend should find someone who wants kids, wants what he wants as well. I want him to be happy. He seems to be fine with only being with me though.


Anyway, if you have anything to say about any of this, please, leave a response below. I'm really in need of some outside perspective.

Link to comment

So, how might you feel if your boyfriend was entertaining the same scenario?

I am confused about your details about the state of your relationship. You talk about being rocky, no affection and swing to be content happy and he's your rock.

If I am confused I can see how you are.

How about some time alone and distance. Learn who you are and ultimately you'll make better choices in a partner.

The guy with a girlfriend? I chuckled when you said `you didn't want to be with a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend"

You do see the double standard here, correct?

Link to comment

Yikes! You'd be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire if you try to get together with this new guy who is already in a relationship! You see what happens when you move to quickly into a new relationship! People need to take time, like many months, to be single, sort themselves out, figure out what they want in life. Hopping from one guy to the next is a bad move and quite likely will bite you in the butt.


If guy #1 is not your ideal then you need to call it quits and move out and take the time to sort out your thoughts and make a plan. Time is your ally not your adversary. Dont take up with guy #2 until he's free of his gf and he's taken the time to get over her and move on.

Link to comment

I think you should never jump from one relationship to another. After a 4year ltr, you need time out and to be alone before getting with someone new.


Look either work on your current relationship and completely shut the other guy out or break up and be alone for at least 3months before even considering this other guy an option (and he should do the same).


Otherwise you are going to find yourself in a really messed up, dysfunctional mess.


A friend of mine did this. She ended her 6year relationship for someone else. For the past 6months she has bounced back multiple times and is now sleeping with both of them. She has damaged the old relationship beyond repair and now wants him back but he has lost all respect and trust in her. She is now living with the new guy who is showing increasing controlling and possesive behavior. She is more miserable and messed up than she ever was.


Any new relationship now will be a rebound and it wont work long term. You need time in between and you owe your partner the respect and integrity to make sure it is completely over before getting with someone new

Link to comment

After four years if you can say your bf is not your ideal and basically emotionally cheated on him, then I think you should break up with him and get it over with.


You have a propensity to cheat on him and it's better to leave now than become a cheating wife.

Link to comment

You ARE young, and you were only 20 when you got involved with your bf. It's ok if it is over for you. But this is where being a grown up comes into play. The right thing is rarely the easy thing. But we define ourselves with those moments.


The road of flirting with taken guy is the easy but poor one. Can you see that?! Whether you are with a man or single, it's a crap road that leads to..well crap.


Take care of your business with your man. It is obviously time to face facts. He is not the one for you. Let him go..with dignity and love. You have that power if you choose to.


Let us know what you decide and do

Link to comment

You're not getting what you need out of your current relationship, and you aren't happy. The fact that you're questioning it and flirting with someone else says a lot. I would reevaluate whether you want to continue on in a relationship that isn't fulfilling your needs/wants.


Further to that, you're flirting with someone else and have crossed a line with this new guy while in a relationship. Do your current boyfriend and yourself a favour and cut ties now so you can both find people that make you happy and who you're fully committed to.


As for this new guy, I wouldn't even entertain the thought of being with him. He's currently betraying his current girlfriend by what he's doing with you. Something tells me that he would do the same thing to you if you ever got together. So, how could you ever trust the guy?

Link to comment



Take it from someone who learned the HARD way:


1) End one relationship

2) Get your sense of self together

3) Consider dating again


Part of the reason that you find this other person so attractive is because it is an escape and a quick way to not deal with real issues about yourself or the relationship. He is a shiny object now, and his shininess will fade also, and then what? The answer is within YOU. This isn't an emotionally mature way to go about things, as exciting and intoxicating as it all may feel right now.


You went through rocky times before and seemed to get through it and it ended well. Every relationship has its share of problems. You need to choose (without this other person being ANY factor) whether you want to work on the relationship, or exit it. If you choose the latter, refer to steps 1 - 3.


Why these steps? Because you will just cycle through your personal baggage in another relationship. You can throw bandaids up and paint a pretty picture, but the fact that you see this as a solution, has some underlying issues to it.

Link to comment

No offense, but what you're doing/planning on doing is to test drive one, while hanging on to the other. This has a great potential of backfiring, resulting in leaving you stranded and standing alone-so to speak. Having said that, this may look good on paper, but when it comes to short changing others, it usually comes with a price.


I would give this more thought, while taking your boyfriends feelings into account before making any decisions.

Link to comment

I'm sorry but this thread was cringe worthy... I can't stand people asking for advice about stuff like this. What do you want us to say? Dump your boyfriend and go after the guy who's taken? Lol that's just awful advice to start with. Your all over the place saying the start of your relationship was rocky but then saying he's your rock and nothing wrong with him. So you don't think trying to get with a guy who's TAKEN is a rocky start? Lol honestly where do you think that's a "good foot to start on" ?. Your calling his girlfriend a "hiccup" that's pathetic and sad. You need to get your head straight but I doubt you will because your infatuated with this new guy. Do you really think the new guy won't cheat on you down the road when you get "boring" to him?.


The only person I even feel sorry for is your boyfriend and the guys girlfriend both being manipulated and emotionally cheated on at the moment. Break up with your guy, if you really love him you'd see he deserves an actual women with standards and doesn't flirt with other men while in a relationship. I know it sounds harsh but it's the flat out truth. It's the age old question. Why cheat on someone when you can just BREAK UP with them first. Your going to break his heart when you leave but if you stay and he finds out you've been flirting with another guy? Your going to drive the knife right through his heart. As for your NEW guy.


Your in a relationship = flag #1

He has a girlfriend = flag #2

Your both on the verge of cheating = flag #3

Both leading your partners on = flag #4


"I don't wanna be with someone who cheats on his girlfriend" that's baffling to say. When your flirting with a guy and you have a man and he's doing the same, flirting is cheating period. Goodluck.

Link to comment

Sounds like a bad 90s sitcom.


*Camera fades in to the couple in bed just after sex.*

*Girlfriend looks over to the boy friend*

"You know how we both essentially cheated on our partners before we officially became a couple" We'd never do that to each other, right....?"

*Awkward silence. Couple slowly looks at the camera.*

*Laugh Track*

*Seinfeld theme*

Link to comment

Well, okay, haha. Many different responses here. I don't think flirting is always considered cheating. I guess, I didn't explain myself properly. It's not a situation where I have crossed a line... yet. I can still cut off this guy if I so choose, without needing to feel guilt. As I haven't done anything but speak to him. But I suppose everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's hard to explain my entire situation with my boyfriend in just a few paragraphs. Of course I've been thinking of him and his feelings this whole time as well, or else I wouldn't be mulling over this for so long. But he is also on the same page as I am. He's happy with me, but if I left, he would get over it quickly. We're both adults, and we've both been through things like this before. I've been cheated on. I've been on the short end, many times. I just feel that, at some point in life, you should just stop caring so much. You should be able to do whatever makes you happiest in life. Maybe I don't care about being with the other guy long-term anyway. I just want to live my life, and go with the flow. I'm okay with ending up alone. I've been alone for long lengths of time before and I don't mind it. People may be hurt, but that's short term, and they will get over it? Of course I still feel bad about it, and would rather it didn't happen. But if I'm leaving you, and that makes you sad, there's not really any avoiding that. Things will work themselves out again in the end. I dunno. I guess I just have a different way of seeing things than you all do.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...