New to dating and need your perspective

[TakeTwo]

Hello everyone,

 

I have had a long unhappy marriage which ended in 2014 officially but feeling's vice much earlier as I stayed till my kids finished high school. I met a wonderful guy last January. He is separated and shares custody to his 15 years old son (he has him every other weekend and once a week). I have two 19 years old kids who are away in universities now but were with me when I have started dating. Since the very beginning we both agreed that the only way we can be with each other is to be exclusive. We started slow (once or twice a week), then while kids lived with me we went to 3-4 times, when kids left last September we started spending all the time together at his place first and after I moved from my matrimonial house to my own place we have been staying at my place, as long none of us with kids or in his case with his family (my family is abroad). We are always in touch through texts if we are not together. We are very comfortable together and enjoy each other company a lot. He is very honest and straight forward. I am 47 and he is 51.

 

But here what has been bothering me. I has stated that my goal is to find a partner; loving and respectful. Right from the start I was told he can't go fast with his feelings and always was slow. I agreed on that, not even suspecting it might take so many months. But trying to protect myself I tried to build a wall around my heart and slow down my feelings. Few months ago it started to concern me because I became tired of this protection and being careful. We have had few conversations which ended the same - he needs more time. Month and a half ago I broke down and asked him directly whether he loves me. The answer was he has a strong feelings but it is not love yet. Again about more time. And he also said that the only thing that keeps him to fall for me is that he is afraid he won't be able to make me happy as I am looking for more romance while he is not that much. Long conversation ended with me stated two options for us - going away or staying together and try to make it work. He said he wants me in his life and wants to stay.

 

So here we are after 14 months together. It took him 11 months to let me meet his son once for an hour in December; took him a year to tell his family he is dating (they are all an hour to 2 and a half hours away from where we are). However I have not met any of them yet and there is not a plan for that in near future (his mom asked to meet me; I asked him to work the plan; so far nothing). I have never been invited to any of his family actions. I met his friends as well as he met mine. He met my kids last summer and been spending time with all of us when kids are visiting me. They all like each other. I asked how he sees us proceeding and answer was we will continue like this for a while meaning having separate places and what I call "guest marriage". On my "define the while" was - "I don't have a timeline".

 

I have finalized divorce and stated that I will only move in with divorced man. So far there is no clear plans (at least not known to me) for him to obtain the divorce.

 

I am starting to be tired to loose him every other weekend and when he is going away to visit his family. I miss him a lot and want to be with him. And I know my insecurities play a role in this situation because I know he doesn't love me; not yet at least.

 

I would like you guys to pitch in and give me your perspective. Am I being too in rush or unreasonable or my feelings and expectations are valid.

[missmarple]

So far there is no clear plans (at least not known to me) for him to obtain the divorce.

 

And this should have been enough for you to decide to break up with him.

 

You've been with this guy for 14 months and he still hasn't gotten a divorce. Sorry to tell you but chances are he either never will OR he will when he meets a woman he's really serious about. This isn't 'taking things slow'...this is stringing you along until he decides it's over...or meets someone else.

[DancingFool]

Dating rule 101 - don't waste your time on people who unavailable.

 

Dating rule 102 - don't put yourself into rebound position with someone who still has unfinished business with their past relationship. You really are just a crutch you know what happens to crutches, right? They get tossed aside the moment the wound has healed.

 

Dating rule 103 - seek people who are genuinely single, ready in every respect, emotionally open and happy to date. In short, they are in a good place in life mentally and emotionally and are ready for developing a relationship with the right person.

 

Dating rule 104 - do not get involved with people who need to be fixed. The moment you find yourself making excuses for his iffy behavior - run!

[TakeTwo]

Dating rule 101 - don't waste your time on people who unavailable.

 

Dating rule 102 - don't put yourself into rebound position with someone who still has unfinished business with their past relationship. You really are just a crutch you know what happens to crutches, right? They get tossed aside the moment the wound has healed.

 

Dating rule 103 - seek people who are genuinely single, ready in every respect, emotionally open and happy to date. In short, they are in a good place in life mentally and emotionally and are ready for developing a relationship with the right person.

 

Dating rule 104 - do not get involved with people who need to be fixed. The moment you find yourself making excuses for his iffy behavior - run!

 

Interesting views. Both... Thank you. Makes me feel a bit better because sounds like I do have legitimate reasons to be concern.

 

Him being just separated was a least concern for me. He has been separated for 3 years now. I am sure he is done with his marriage. His reasons for not obtaining divorce yet are he is concerned his ex will make more requests (he has been more than generous with her while she kept requesting more) and that he doesn't want to waste money till he would want to get married. That was in the beginning of our dating. Then after I started pushing for my divorce he mentioned his wish of doing so as well. The money is an object right now for him but he is waiting for the bonus. I am very curious to see what happens then.

 

He does sounds sincere about developing relationship. It just takes much longer to than I expected from him to love me.

 

My biggest issue was - am I in rush to expect him to show he is making some plans for our future. We do talk about our plans of vacation, and future events. But am I silly to wait? If waiting is not too bad - how long do I do that.

 

He is man with wonderful qualities I missed in my ex - trustworthy, able to talk about any issues, supportive, caring and intelligent. Especially reading this forum all those characteristics are not easy to find. He has been with me through separation signing, moving to my new place, dealing with a lot of issues while I was adjusting to independent life. I don't really want to make a rush decision but I don't want to waste my life either.

[catfeeder]

He is separated

 

Separated = not divorced. This man has nothing to offer you in terms of your timeline.

 

How long were you divorced before you started seeing him?

 

Read up on rebounding, and why he'll need about a year solo after his divorce is finalized before he's less of a flight risk. Rebounders aren't 'bad' people, they just don't recognize that they're using someone as a bandaid until suddenly you're the best person he knows, but he needs time to be single and 'find himself'.

 

I'd skip that.

[TakeTwo]

Separated = not divorced. This man has nothing to offer you in terms of your timeline.

 

How long were you divorced before you started seeing him?

 

Read up on rebounding, and why he'll need about a year solo after his divorce is finalized before he's less of a flight risk. Rebounders aren't 'bad' people, they just don't recognize that they're using someone as a bandaid until suddenly you're the best person he knows, but he needs time to be single and 'find himself'.

 

I'd skip that.

 

He's been on his own for couple years before we met. It's rather me who might be on rebound; not him. But all I wrote could be irrelevant in the lights of current events. And honestly I am so grateful to this chance to write it all here; I am so hurting it is ridiculous.

 

We have not many chances to meet often last few weeks; he is not very romantic nor open. So lovey-touchy conversations are not his strongest part. I tried to change that and told him how much I have been missing him. Silence was his reply. I was hoping tonight we will be able to change that. I received his text that he needs "no people" time. I texted him all I felt and that I need alone time as well.

 

Oh, boy! I need my senses back... I think we are done. I don't want this... So him being not divorced yet is the the smallest problem.

[Sportster2005]

Feelings are always valid. Period.

 

People have different expectations and experiences. Someone's rush is someone else's going too slow. You want to move at a different pace than him. No one is right or wrong. I will say however, he can take as long as he wants, he may never love you. Love isn't something you buy when you have enough time saved up. And 14 months IMHO seems like adequate time to know someone and to know what you want.

[TakeTwo]

Feelings are always valid. Period.

 

People have different expectations and experiences. Someone's rush is someone else's going too slow. You want to move at a different pace than him. No one is right or wrong. I will say however, he can take as long as he wants, he may never love you. Love isn't something you buy when you have enough time saved up. And 14 months IMHO seems like adequate time to know someone and to know what you want.

 

Dear Sportster2005, I have been reading your responses at other threads for some time. You are one of the people here I looking forward to hear from. Looks like I found this forum just at the best time as I don't have many people to talk about it to, not that I actually want to right now.

 

I suspected all this, it has bothered me for quite a while. But I really wanted to hear from other people to be sure I am not being silly or making mistake. He's been pushing me away for some time now. I think I reached my breaking point. He offered to talk it through tomorrow. I asked for a clear break till Friday if he still wants to talk. I can't predict what the outcome of this talk will be. All I want is to prepare myself for the final break with no tears or falling apart. If anyone has some advice how to do it more efficient and successful that would be great.

 

Thank you everyone who found time to talk to me. Much appreciated.

[HeartGoesOn]

My biggest issue was - am I in rush to expect him to show he is making some plans for our future. We do talk about our plans of vacation, and future events. But am I silly to wait? If waiting is not too bad - how long do I do that.

 

I'm sorry but he's not in a position, nor is he available to be making plans for the future. I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but until his divorce is final, the only person he's in a relationship with is his wife, whether they're together or not.

 

This is not meant to sound offensive, but the writing is on the wall. At any rate, I hope you find your way.

[catfeeder]

So him being not divorced yet is the the smallest problem.

 

It's the core of all other problems. It's his placeholder. He can keep all else at arm's length because of it, as he won't need to deal with any expectations as long as he's not divorced.

 

And yes, you leapfrogged from your divorce to this guy, and so you're facing a backlog of stuff you hadn't worked out yet. That can cause you to hold on more tightly.

[Ms Darcy]

So him being not divorced yet is the the smallest problem.

 

I think it matters in that he's not completely available to do things that you want him to do - meet his family, be proclaimed as his girlfriend.

 

Anyway, after 14 months, he doesn't love you. I would take your self-respect and move on.

[TakeTwo]

I think it matters in that he's not completely available to do things that you want him to do - meet his family, be proclaimed as his girlfriend.

 

Anyway, after 14 months, he doesn't love you. I would take your self-respect and move on.

 

Yes, I agree with your last sentence (everyone including his family knows he's got the girlfriend). Friday talk will be simple yes or no question. I am not really holding my breath for yes one though.

[TakeTwo]

It's the core of all other problems. It's his placeholder. He can keep all else at arm's length because of it, as he won't need to deal with any expectations as long as he's not divorced.

 

And yes, you leapfrogged from your divorce to this guy, and so you're facing a backlog of stuff you hadn't worked out yet. That can cause you to hold on more tightly.

 

My relationship with ex was over few years ago. I stayed only for one sole purpose - to get my kids to end the high school and leave together with them. Till that time I didn't have anyone, not even looked. I was so lonely.

 

But this one I do have to get out of my system before I can give my full attention so someone else.

 

Love the quote you have in your signature. I will try to remember it

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry but this guy is just full of excuses.

 

How to handle Friday?

 

Make a list of what you want in and for your life. Like someone in your life that wants the same things, is somewhat romantic, is open and loving, is willing to risk being hurt for love, is not tied to the past or past relationships...

 

You see when you put in writing what YOU want and what he is willing to offer Friday will be more about you dumping him then him dumping you.

 

You have been pretty understanding but it sounds like it is wearing thin. I am curious how many men you dated before you met this guy.

 

Lost

[TakeTwo]

I am sorry but this guy is just full of excuses.

 

How to handle Friday?

 

Make a list of what you want in and for your life. Like someone in your life that wants the same things, is somewhat romantic, is open and loving, is willing to risk being hurt for love, is not tied to the past or past relationships...

 

You see when you put in writing what YOU want and what he is willing to offer Friday will be more about you dumping him then him dumping you.

 

You have been pretty understanding but it sounds like it is wearing thin. I am curious how many men you dated before you met this guy.

 

Lost

 

Very sound advice. The funny part is that I know very well what I want and need from relationship. Yes, feeling loved, special, missed - are just part of it. The Sunday text erased everything. I was one of the people. I miss him terribly, keep checking my cell and really want to talk to him as we have been doing all those 14 months. Very pathetic... But I am grateful for this break and possibility to vent here. Puts a lot of things in perspective.

 

You got another thing right - it has been wearing me down for a while now.

 

How many? He is my first serious relationship after the marriage. We met on POF. I had few serious chats and one short date before him. I was looking for someone I can talk first as it was the biggest issue with my ex. And not just keep conversation going but be able to discuss and listen and being heard. I didn't care for the looks; I was starving for normal and caring conversation. That's how it all started. The physical affection came to me after the month of dating. In his defense he was very direct about being slow. I felt very quick that he is not the person who is led by heart; rather by brain. He slowed me down and I respected him for that. Then time came I couldn't protect myself anymore and let is go. So here I am as a result.

[lostandhurt]

Don't be hard on yourself. You were open to him but he is not in a place to return the feelings, he may not be capable and that is why he is getting divorced...

 

Live and learn so next time you can spot the red flags sooner. Also separated but no divorce papers filed means they are off limits.

 

There is someone out there for you so take some time to heal from this and then get back out there.

 

Lost

[TakeTwo]

Don't be hard on yourself. You were open to him but he is not in a place to return the feelings, he may not be capable and that is why he is getting divorced...

 

Live and learn so next time you can spot the red flags sooner. Also separated but no divorce papers filed means they are off limits.

 

There is someone out there for you so take some time to heal from this and then get back out there.

 

Lost

 

My way to learn is to analyse what and how and when and why.

 

And yes, I will. I am not that easy to break. And the process of healing has started; I am capable to smile and joke now, and borrowed book and hopefully will sleep tonight. So whatever happens on Friday - I'll be just fine.

[TakeTwo]

Hi everyone. Just a quick update as promised.

 

We broke it off. Mutually as we both realized we weren't happy for a while now. Seems like we both took it very hard but we talked yesterday face to face and today over the text. I am expecting tons of criticism from you but I'll say it anyway. He asked me if I am ok to stay in touch once in a while. Tonight I made a peace with all this and myself and told him this morning that I am fine to stay friends. At least I think I can right now. I know it is against any reasonable dating advice but I'll try. If it will appear to be too difficult and prevent me to move on - I'll stop.

 

Meantime I am making my own plans how to proceed.

 

Thank you again to all of you who helped me and talked to me when I needed it the most.

[Ms Darcy]

No criticism. I think that this is a good opportunity to think about what you learned from the experience.

[TakeTwo]

No criticism. I think that this is a good opportunity to think about what you learned from the experience.

 

Funny you said that. He said he will take a week or so to understand himself what and how it happened and see what could be done any differently. I asked to let me know what he came up with. He promised to do so. I am hoping he'll keep his promise. Very curious.

[TakeTwo]

I would like another advice as this story is not fully finished yet.

 

We texted last Saturday and last thing he said is that he is going to see me next day to bring few things he forgot to bring on Friday. Nothing of values; just couple of my clothes so material reason is out of the question. I said thank you. And that was it. It is very out of character not to follow through with promise nor I doubt he forgot about it.

 

I am sure there is a logical explanation for this but I found myself wondering, and imagining, and reading into it, and waiting for his text, and fighting with myself to prevent all of the above. It feels like unfinished business and getting my stuff back would help me to move on. But I don't know if I should wait and pretend I don't care to wait or just ask to pick it up myself or ...

 

What would you do?

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't say anything to him and let him drop your stuff off. If he doesn't, then stop by and get it.

[TakeTwo]

I can't really just stop by. I don't have keys anymore, same applies to him. It has to be arranged meaning I have to text to ask when I can do so. I was planning to do so on Sunday.

 

It is more a matter of curiosity and getting used to new reality as soon as possible.

[Ms Darcy]

Stop by didn't mean without notice. Arrange a time that works for you both.

[TakeTwo]

Good idea. Will wait till Sunday though. He said he needs few days of not thinking. Maybe that's what he is doing. Not thinking and avoiding any reminder.