I am having trouble with overreacting and overthinking

[sailsup555]

I am in a new relationship (3 months) we are both 28. i dont even know when i started feeling this way but ive become pretty insecure and i obsess and dwell on things. Things have been going well so far hes been nice to me and always texts me and been consistent. He was the one who asked if we could be official and also the one who said i love you first. I am not sure if it was because my last bf was not the best guy but i end up not trusting the new guy as much as i should.

 

So he went to a bachelor party this past weekend in New Orleans for mardi gras. I was basically fine with it until he got home. He had been nice too saying he missed me and wanted to see me. He came over last night and the night went okay until we were in bed then i just got so cranky/emotional for basically no reason. I am really regretting it today. Ive been feeling really emotional all week im not sure if its just me or due to starting birth control but im worried im going to ruin it if it keeps happening. I got jealous over his ex gf and i think i asked way too many questions about the women in New Orleans and i just ended up being a baby and i know it was making him mad. i had high expectations for the night since we hadnt seen eachother in a while and i feel like i blew it. i apologized in the morning and all he said mmmmhmmm.

 

I am unsure of how to act today. Should i text him, should i wait, should i apologize again, should i ignore it. he is going out with friends tonight and his brother is visiting for the weekend but this morning and last night he said i should go over tomorrow so i can meet his brother.

 

Aside from how i can do damage control today does anyone have tips so that i can make sure it doesnt happen again. I dont want to be the jealous demanding gf who freaks out when her bf talks to a girl.

[j.man]

Don't text him. Don't apologize again. Drop the drama and simply have a good time meeting his brother tomorrow. You control the damage by not doing more.

[DoF]

Get him in person and apologize for your act. This will tell him that a) you have good sense of recognition and b) you knew you did wrong.

 

This shoudl bring you closer.

 

If you don't, he will assume this is the way you are and that's that (won't do good for sure).

[JA0371]

Agree with Jman.....the best apology is changed behavior. Im sure he will forgive you..

[ThatwasThen]

I agree. Just be your fine self and good company and let it go. You've apologised and you recognise your negative behaviour so if those feelings crop up again just be cognitive enough to keep your run away thoughts to yourself.

 

Tell yourself that there is No need for a mature woman to be freaking out over nothing.

Don't apolgize again and open this up in front of his brother either. Keep it fun.

[Sportster2005]

Sounds like it might be generalized anxiety. Do things that help cope with anxiety, and then everything else will follow. And if it's not, you'll be less anxious anyways. We live in anxious times.

[brodobagginz]

This problem was plaguing me for years until I decided to do something about it. I bet if you look back you'll see that these ruminations are part of a larger pattern of obsessive thought practices that are an outgrowth of an anxiety problem. Sometimes a generalized anxiety issue can be hard to detect and can be easily masked by things like smoking, drinking, or even your relationship itself. I only decided to do something when I would start talking to men and realized that the minute they left a text unanswered I would flip the f out and think the entire thing was over. I then looked back and realized that I had literally destroyed relationships through this kind of behavior, essentially making decisions for other people because I was so worried that the other shoe would drop. You need to take action and find some coping mechanisms that really work for you. You have to begin to value yourself so highly that the thought of your man talking to another woman doesn't even make you bat an eye. My best advice would be to start exercising regularly, cleaning your flat or your house on a regular schedule (maybe even cleaning too much -- very therapeutic!), eat right and put tons of time and energy into buying, making and prepping your food. Focus on things that make you feel happy and complete. Learning what those things are will make you feel renewed. In addition to these measures I also began to take Saint John's Wort, an herbal remedy for moderate anxiety and depression. It has been very effective, but it is not the only answer, there are still negative things that creep through the treatment, but I have become way better at coping with them. I was in a similar situation after being with someone who really psychologically damaged me and painted me into that horribly insecure corner. But you can free yourself from it and you will find your power again soon, that's what this is really all about.

[catfeeder]

I agree with jman, you've apologized already. If you raise it again, it will come off as another red flag to the guy, because it will demo that you've been ruminating.

 

If you're in school, your tuition already covers mental health counselling; otherwise, consider seeking counseling on your own. There are different forms of jealousy--the valid kind provoked by someone's suspicious behavior, and the kind that's self-generated. You've already identified this as something you've boiled up yourself, so the goal is to learn how to avoid the kind of mind drilling that spirals you into anxiety and comes out sideways on the very guy you fear losing.

 

Consider not drinking until you can get a handle on this. Otherwise, you'll just white knuckle your best behavior until a drink or two unleashes the next episode all over BF.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Ms Darcy]

Apologies mean nothing without a behavior change. This could be the real you coming out, no offense, so he just needs to figure out if he's okay with that long term.

[sailsup555]

thank you all for your replies. i think its mostly coming from being really insecure. i am going to talk to someone wednesday about it but would appreciate any tips or feedback here as well. i just spent all weekend with him and met his brother but today i look back and start analyzing what i did and second guessing myself and my actions and analzying what he said. I also think it plays into me drinking a lot because if i'm drunk then the feelings of insecurity go away but then the next day i just get more insecure worrying if i did anything wrong when drinking.

[Doc Blaze]

thank you all for your replies. i think its mostly coming from being really insecure. i am going to talk to someone wednesday about it but would appreciate any tips or feedback here as well. i just spent all weekend with him and met his brother but today i look back and start analyzing what i did and second guessing myself and my actions and analzying what he said. I also think it plays into me drinking a lot because if i'm drunk then the feelings of insecurity go away but then the next day i just get more insecure worrying if i did anything wrong when drinking.

 

need to learn to deal with it without alcohol.

[Ms Darcy]

Stop drinking then. Drinking is one of those social things that you don't really need to survive. So, if drinking makes insecurity worse, cutting that out is at least one step.

 

Now if you have a drinking problem ...