How often does your SO tell you they love you?

[Lightattheend1]

It's hard for me. He doesn't compliment me or anything else in replace of it. I know I am more of a word person than he is. He doesn't text it

When he said it at the icecream shop it was just before xmas...I almost cried.

 

When I really need to hear it...I just try and remember. ..sad.

[IAmFCA]

It's hard for me. He doesn't compliment me or anything else in replace of it. I know I am more of a word person than he is. He doesn't text it

When he said it at the icecream shop it was just before xmas...I almost cried.

 

When I really need to hear it...I just try and remember. ..sad.

 

What are his ways of expressing love? Affection?

[saluk]

I do not agree with some of the application of the 5 love languages teaching y'all are using. It is useful to notice and appreciate those ways that he is showing you love. But I think that it is also really important that each person in the relationship makes an attempt to show their love in the way the other person would most appreciate it. If I love someone, I think it is important for me to learn their language so that I can do my best to make them feel loved and appreciated. If that means taking out the garbage (this would NOT be in my love language at all) you can bet that I will be taking out the garbage.

 

On time even.

 

I don't think it unreasonable to expect that if he cares for her, that he would be willing to say "I love you" every so often. Just to see the reaction that saying it has in you. Just like when I take out the garbage for my fictional girlfriend, and she notices and says "Thank you for taking out the garbage for me!" That would make me feel amazing.

 

But if he doesn't care to do so, you can't make him. All you can do is express how happy it makes you when he does tell you how he feels, and hope that he cares whether or not he is making you happy. If he doesn't care... Sheesh, I don't know.

[thejigsup]

Saying ILY is hard for me. I don't do it. But I have shown it to my partners in very many ways. Saying ILY to someone, to me, is like telling them the sky is blue. Why do it? Isn't it apparent? If it isn't, then we need to talk.

[mhowe]

The book is to show people that there are many ways to express love. And to understand that my way isn't the only way. Yes, it would be wonderful if he would use words. But as you can see...thejigsup is a woman...and doesn't believe in having to say it to prove it.

[IAmFCA]

Saluk, great point about trying to do what the other person needs... but that can't be used as a standard of showing love. If it is, it equates to saying, "if you loved me, you would change" and that just isn't fair.

 

Sometimes we need reassurance, and it's our job to ask for it. It is also helpful to identify the ways we get it that we may have been overlooking.

 

The problems in a rs can be

 

I miss x kind of affection

My SO isn't investing in the rs

My SO doesn't value the rs

My SO doesn't value me

My SO doesn't lover me

 

Usually, we are somewhere on this spectrum. We can't change the SO, so we need to figure out what SO does and doesn't do, and decide whether we can find ways to work with that.

[Pixels]

As far as I can tell, I say it every day a least once or more (or try to), and it's returned at least once or more... Except it isn't always automatic, and sometimes takes specific awareness.

 

Hold me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson has been a good book for us. We have some communication issue, and don't agree on everything, but it's helped us recognize that we express our concern for each other in ways that we don't quite understand or recognize immediately. At the same time we also recognize that we want to express ourselves in a language our partner understands better....

 

I think at the bottom of things, you both need to realize you're on the same side, even if your values and interpretations are completely different.

 

This means respecting each other in their positions and embracing them as a whole.

[itsallgrand]

I am very curious, is he physically affectionate towards you?

[reinventmyself]

What I am reading is it isn't only about the 3 little words. It's the overall sense she is feeling.

Irregardless what I think, he thinks or anyone else for that matter, if my partner shared with me that this was important - to him- I would honor that.

If saying it was challenging for me (and it is at times) I'd get over myself in an attempt to give my partner, which honestly seems like a minimal expectation or desire and tell them that - I loved them.

 

Seriously!

She's not asking for much.

[IAmFCA]

The first time my father told me loved me I remember well. He was on morphine and I already was in my 30s. My friends and my kids taught me to say ILY more than my family did. I don't need to say it or hear it much, but I do need to know it's true.

 

Sometimes, I know it's true simply by someone's presence. My father worked hard for us, cared for us, and was invested in our futures... he feels pain for us and he feels joy for us. At some point, i knew he loved us and eventually, that he loves me. Along the way, I found the ways he would show it in the decisions he made.

 

My closest friends have been there for me for decades. I don't know why really. They love me, no question. I don't think we've ever said it.

 

These aren't the same, I know, but they remind me all the ways we love. Sometimes the obstacle is within ourselves. Certainly that has been true with me, that I don't BELIEVE you love me, because fundamentally, I don't see myself as lovable. This dynamic, no longer true for me, was a powerful undercurrent and quite destructive.

 

Yes, it's expected that our spouses say ILY, but that's irrelevant. A rs is two individuals. If you know you are loved, rest in it. That way, the requests for reassurance are lighter, freed of the weight of the implied test "do you live me really?" That's a test that can kill any rs.

[IAmFCA]

What I am reading is it isn't only about the 3 little words. It's the overall sense she is feeling.

Irregardless what I think, he thinks or anyone else for that matter, if my partner shared with me that this was important - to him- I would honor that.

If saying it was challenging for me (and it is at times) I'd get over myself in an attempt to give my partner, which honestly seems like a minimal expectation or desire and tell them that - I loved them.

 

Seriously!

She's not asking for much.

 

Maybe, to his ears she IS asking for a lot, between the lines. She says I need more ILY. He hears, You don't see all the ways I love you? You doubt me? What do three little words mean when they are forced like that? How can words be more important than my actions?

 

He feels like she doesn't gear him, see him.

 

Maybe, I'm assuming here.

[IAmFCA]

Ladies, think about all the times we say to one another (in a hetero context) : "Look to his actions, not his words." Whoever he was when we met him, he's still that way now. He isn't all of a sudden going to become verbal if he wasn't before.

[ParisPaulette]

This is such an individual and personal thing, OP, I think you're going to need to talk this one through with your spouse further and/or find a way for him to express his love for you that you both are happy with. Couples counseling maybe? Iv'e been with guys who never said it, guys who said it and didn't mean it, guys who said and meant it, guys who did neither. I tend to look for love in small gestures myself. A steaming hot cup of coffee shoved into my hand when it's freezing cold and I'm outside trying to get the ice off my windows is more of an "I love you" than a thousand I love you's ever will be. But my husband and I say it to each other too, just not on a regular basis. I find talk of love annoying actually beyond the occasional

 

Stop and take a look, what does he do for you? Actions, not words, but actions. And I baby talk my animals to death in ways I'd hope and pray a grown man would never want to hear from me and would bolt for the next county over. I can tell my horse, "Mama wuvs her baby-waby horsey worsey," but trust me, I am never going to tell THAT to my man. (Unless I want to get rid of him, evil I know.)

 

I think this is going to be something you have to work out between the two of you and ask him what he needs to feel loved too, because it goes both ways. See if you can approach it from that angle, of what you each do to let the other one know they are loved. It really is one of those things that so individual I'm not sure anyone can give you a perfect answer on.

[reinventmyself]

Ladies, think about all the times we say to one another (in a hetero context) : "Look to his actions, not his words." Whoever he was when we met him, he's still that way now. He isn't all of a sudden going to become verbal if he wasn't before.

But she shared this:

 

Last year, I died in the hospital. Luckily...I came back. Nothing. So even if three words are a stretch...a nice word would be great instead of silence ... crickets. He says...I brought you clothes when you were in the hospital...

As far as showing love...he says he does things. He doesn't cook for me...clean for me...take us places...vacation ...etc. Yes...he does the garbage. ..shovels the walk...(I shovel too.) I guess the things he does...he would do regardless if I was with him or not. Not special things that give you a fuzzy feeling...but I know what he means. But I think it's sad to say you show love by taking out the garbage.

 

What I am reading it isn't about the 3 little words. She's really not getting it others ways either.

[starlight89]

I think it is fine that he would rather show it, there is nothing wrong with how he expresses love but you also need to hear it occasionally. This is something he should be able to compromise on because it is important to you and its not like you are asking to do something crazy or insane. What you are asking for is really simple and easy to give.

 

And the fact he has no issue saying it to his pets is weird since he absolutely refuses to say it to you. It does sound like he is being stubborn and digging his heels in over something that really should not be an issue.

 

I bet if you left him now, he would look back and wish he had said those words to you more often. I don't think I would feel secure in the relationship if my bf never said it

 

And I get that he has a different love language but we are only dominant in one or two languages, many of us still need and use all the other love languages too.

 

Like physical contact, sex, affection are v important to me and my bf but so are quality time and words of affirmation. He does acts of services as another way to show he cares whilst I would value gifts more than acts of service. But my point is we both use and need 4/5 regularly or at least 3/5..

 

I don't believe that someone can be 100% in one and 0% in another

[Lightattheend1]

In the beginning...he did say it...probably 5 or 6 times in the first 6 months.

 

I haven't brought it up in awhile...because again...I don't want to force him...but I do need it. I have however told him that my favorite memory that I clinged to in the hospital was that icecream shop. He kissed me also...in public...a huge no no to him.

 

I have told him I would like more kind words...compliments. ..etc. I always say nice things to him. I love your haircut...outfit...new cologne...etc.

 

If I do say something...it's like...do you think your animals know what you're saying? He will say...I'm just jealous of his pets (outdoors btw). No...I just try and understand.

 

I honestly think he sees it as a sign of weakness or less than manly or something. I donno. I mean, a text...he coukd do a text...and it would make me very happy.

[IAmFCA]

Hmm. Given his history with you and the way he talks to the pets, it seems like passive aggressive behavior. Maybe, not even intentionally.

 

My exH was deeply passive aggressive. He couples up best with women whom he can save in some way; in turn, he accepts outwardly controlling behavior from them.

 

I never figured out how to make it work with him; it seemed he was angry at me for not being weaker and in fact the tried to undermine me in many incredibly subversive ways. I am probably out of my depths on your thread as a result of this experience.

 

 

Adding:

He would pet the cat, but never touched me. When I told the counselor with some embarrassment that I was jealous of the cat she said, "That makes sense." I felt so validated!

 

The other thing: neither he nor I felt "seen" by the other person. In some way, we failed to understand, accept, or validate each other. This was something we didn't articulate until later.

 

My ex couldn't hear what I needed, until he first felt "seen" himself. I couldn't see him, because I didn't accept him as he was. I thought this was okay because he didn't accept himself either; I just thought I was helping him with his own goals for personal growth. I was wrong.

 

Maybe this experience will somehow contribute to your understanding. ..

[Realitynut]

The book is to show people that there are many ways to express love. And to understand that my way isn't the only way. Yes, it would be wonderful if he would use words. But as you can see...thejigsup is a woman...and doesn't believe in having to say it to prove it.

 

The book...and I've read it many times...is to show how to say you love your spouse (or So) by using THEIR love language. NOT YOUR love language. Your love language might be acts of service, but if your spouses love language is words of affirmation...you learn to speak your spouses love language...or her love tanks don't get filled.

 

 

As an example....he went on and told a story about a couple where the wife was not feeling loved. It was found that her love language was 'time'. Time spent talking. The husband had always assumed because he took care of the house, etc. that should be enough to show he loved her. Mr. chapman showed the husband that even tho HIS love language might be acts of service...it wasn't his wifes. So he said to sit down with her for 15 min. everynight....no interuptions....and just talk. And listen. The wife suddenly felt like he 'cared'...

 

The husband quipped..."here all this time I've been vacuuming, and all she wanted was 15 min. of my time to TALK to her"....

 

So you see....the 5 languages of love is not to find out what YOUR love language is...but the other persons....and perfect that. He suggested for those that weren't comfortable saying words of affirmation, to practice in front of a mirror every day. Until it does become second nature....because...ya know...you DO IT cuz you LOVE them. Right?

[IAmFCA]

The book...and I've read it many times...is to show how to say you love your spouse (or So) by using THEIR love language. NOT YOUR love language. Your love language might be acts of service, but if your spouses love language is words of affirmation...you learn to speak your spouses love language...or her love tanks don't get filled.

 

 

As an example....he went on and told a story about a couple where the wife was not feeling loved. It was found that her love language was 'time'. Time spent talking. The husband had always assumed because he took care of the house, etc. that should be enough to show he loved her. Mr. chapman showed the husband that even tho HIS love language might be acts of service...it wasn't his wifes. So he said to sit down with her for 15 min. everynight....no interuptions....and just talk. And listen. The wife suddenly felt like he 'cared'...

 

The husband quipped..."here all this time I've been vacuuming, and all she wanted was 15 min. of my time to TALK to her"....

 

So you see....the 5 languages of love is not to find out what YOUR love language is...but the other persons....and perfect that. He suggested for those that weren't comfortable saying words of affirmation, to practice in front of a mirror every day. Until it does become second nature....because...ya know...you DO IT cuz you LOVE them. Right?

 

Interesting.

 

He didn't post, she did. ... I wonder, OP, if you are using your husband's love language to convey to him your love in a way that he needs to receive it?

[Realitynut]

Interesting.

 

He didn't post, she did. ... I wonder, OP, if you are using your husband's love language to convey to him your love in a way that he needs to receive it?

 

I know she did....but I was replying in regards to mhowe's post. I had wondered the same thing ITIC. What HIS love language is...and if she was speaking it. The book went on to say, that usually the love language the person is doing towards YOU...is their love language. So let's say that one person is always saying I love you, You look really great tonite, You're do sexy, etc. ...that probably suggests it is THEIR love language. If the OP's spouse thinks taking out the garbage means he loves her....acts of service is probably his love language. Tho I doubt it.

 

He sounds just lazy and doesn't want to really try.

 

The guy I just quit talking to....mostly because he couldn't say he loved me either...would say "love you" after ALL his phone calls to his daughter, his granddaughter and his parents. Soooo...if they want to, they can. They just don't WANT.

 

My ex would also say, that when I said, I love you to him, he felt I was trying to manipulate him into saying it back. So he wouldn't.

 

He also didn't like being told what to do.....so he dropped out of high school at 16 (didn't like them telling him what to do) and left home. (didn't like his dad telling him what to do)

 

My feelings are, if someone knows it's important to them, they do it!

All my ex ever wanted to do, was hike and paddle...or occasionally ride bike. Any time he asked, I would. ALWAYS. But he almost NEVER did little things that I wanted to do...if it didn't involve those 3 things. Oh yeah...and sex!

 

Op's SO sounds selfish and cruel.

[Lightattheend1]

His love language us ohysica k stuff. Sex. Every other day. That is sometimes hard thru kids...sickness...etc.

 

He just doesn't love me.duh.

 

He will day to me how he bought this or that or did this or that for his ex. ..because he loved her. Its Just mean.

 

Once We At McDonald's AND he says...Why CaNT I GET Lucky AND Ever GET A DIME piece like that. It took me a bit...as I don't talk like that. It was a tall blonde and a guy walking in too.

 

He said he meant it as a put down to himself...as the guy she was with was ugly...he said. Me...I didn't notice...how bout paying attention to me. And...you might talk that way to your buddies or think it in your head...but zip it.

 

Where are,all the good men these days. ..

[ParisPaulette]

Last year, I died in the hospital. Luckily...I came back. Nothing. So even if three words are a stretch...a nice word would be great instead of silence ... crickets. He says...I brought you clothes when you were in the hospital...

As far as showing love...he says he does things. He doesn't cook for me...clean for me...take us places...vacation ...etc. Yes...he does the garbage. ..shovels the walk...(I shovel too.) I guess the things he does...he would do regardless if I was with him or not. Not special things that give you a fuzzy feeling...but I know what he means. But I think it's sad to say you show love by taking out the garbage.

 

Okay, seeing this yeah I have to agree. It's not showing "love" to do the things you're just going to do, because you don't want to live with stinking garbage or a snowy sidewalk. What I was talking about were those little nice things like a cup of coffee or yes vacations or little gestures of appreciation. "I bought your clothes to you when you were in the hospital" is NOT "showing love." Sorry, but no. What was the OP supposed to do, walk out of there with no clothes on or just a gown? Or maybe hitch a ride home? No, he bought those clothes because a nurse told him to or he knew a doctor would call him a (expletive) if he showed up with no clothes when she was checking out.

 

I'm sorry OP, but now I see it. This isn't about him saying "I love you," this is about the fact he doesn't do anything beyond go through everyday motions he should already be going through. And as you said he would do anyways, because anyone would. All I know is my hubs would not tell me after I nearly died that he showed his love by bringing me my clothes when I was checking out of the hospital. Not if he wanted to stay married to me anyways.

 

Plus the stuff you're talking about in your last post. OP, why on earth are you still with this guy. Maybe you should have told him, "Yeah, you're right. You'll never get a dime piece like that girl or a class act like me either. Take me home, pack your crap, we're done." Plus yeah, I'd dump anyone who referred to another woman, any woman, or guy for that matter as "a dime piece." I mean, just...no, I can't! (Throws up hands)

 

Why are you on here complaining instead of figuring out how to get free? Seriously, WTH is wrong with this guy. Thank you for clarifying, this goes beyond just some guy who can't say three little words. This is a guy who is as you put it, mean to you in a snotty passive aggressive way. Really, why stay when he's like that? What do you hope to gain, that he'll suddenly be a nice guy? Jeez, now I feel for you and all I can say is go work on your self-esteem by getting out, finding your own interests, working out how to leave this guy, then never looking back.

[IAmFCA]

His love language us ohysica k stuff. Sex. Every other day. That is sometimes hard thru kids...sickness...etc.

 

He just doesn't love me.duh.

 

He will day to me how he bought this or that or did this or that for his ex. ..because he loved her. Its Just mean.

 

Once We At McDonald's AND he says...Why CaNT I GET Lucky AND Ever GET A DIME piece like that. It took me a bit...as I don't talk like that. It was a tall blonde and a guy walking in too.

 

He said he meant it as a put down to himself...as the guy she was with was ugly...he said. Me...I didn't notice...how bout paying attention to me. And...you might talk that way to your buddies or think it in your head...but zip it.

 

Where are,all the good men these days. ..

 

This is just rude and vulgar and disrespectful. This reflects on who he is, and not on who you are.

 

OP, in a previous post I said I may be out of my depths here, and I am. Because, I am losing sight of why you are together, and I am afraid that observation may be hurtful.

 

Maybe it would help to tell us... why are you together?

[Ms Darcy]

He just doesn't love me.duh. ... Where are,all the good men these days. ..

 

Why in the heck would you have a baby with someone who "just doesn't" love you?

[Blue_Skirt]

Where are,all the good men these days. ..

Reading through the posts I also wonder why you are still together with him. This is not about saying “I love you”, this is about his (non existent) love for you.