How to win trust back?

[SlightlyLost]

So the other day, I went through my boyfriends phone and found naked photos that he took of a girl he said he has never been sexual with. Upsetting as it was, these photos were taken before I started living with him 3 months ago so I was prepared to let it go.

 

Then, I saw that he had recent message notifications from her on WhatsApp. I thought I would find that they were speaking to each other behind my back, but instead I just found her saying that she misses him. He never read the messages. I panicked, thinking that he would get mad at me if he discovered these opened messages that he never read himself, and I deleted them impulsively. I feel really terrible about all this. He never did anything wrong.

 

I am going to tell him soon. What can I say or do that will make it easier to forgive me? He always suspected me of going through his phone before this (though this was my first time), so this will be his "I told you so" moment.

[melancholy123]

There's not likely any way you can tell him what you did and have him be ok with it. Since you feel guilty you might as well tell him and get it over with and deal with the consequences. Remember that old line - be careful what you wish for.

[mhowe]

You EARN it back....but in this case, he really has the upper hand. Not only did you snoop, you actually deleted stuff.

[lostandhurt]

If he had went through your phone what would you want him to do?

 

Be honest and take your lumps for snooping. Talk about boundaries and trust and what it means to each of you.

 

You also need to answer this one question: Why did you do through his phone? Did you have a gut feeling he was doing something wrong?

 

Once this is out in the open you can begin to rebuild the trust but it takes time. That is the kicker about these situations, it takes mere seconds to ruin trust but can take years to gain it back.

 

After this is all resolved you need to discuss girls and naked pics on his phone as well as girls you do not know telling him they miss him.

 

It won't be easy but you need to come clean with him.

 

Good luck

Lost

[radiance]

Going through people's phones is never a good idea. You've acted in a dishonest way and invaded his privacy. It'll be up to him if he wants to trust you again. Good luck.

[Movingforward3]

I think this is one of those times you don't say anything. You already are in trouble with the photos, so just consider some extra acts of contrition snd things you can do to make it up to him.

 

Dinner, massage, and hot sex springs to mind!

 

And never do this again!

[Ms Darcy]

Tell him what you did and stop going through his phone. That's a start towards regaining trust.

[shellyf62]

Was your bf dating you at the time he took the pics of the other girl?

[j.man]

You dug yourself quite a hole. He may be willing to work past it, but you better believe he almost certainly won't trust you alone around his devices. And when he puts a new code in his phone and starts taking it with him everywhere in the house, I can only guess how your insecurities are gonna respond. It's going to take as much effort on your part as it will his.

[bulletproof]

Upsetting as it was, these photos were taken before I started living with him 3 months ago so I was prepared to let it go.

 

So either you have been living together since you started dating, which sounds not so great, or you were dating when he took the photos, also not so great.

Which one?

[changeiscoming]

@SlightlyLost my 13 year relationship is falling apart and from my experience I've been so clear that if you are in a relationship the phone should be a shared item. Why is it we can begin to share our bodies, our souls with people but not our cellphones? I am a strong believer if anyone is in a relationship we can trade phones for a day, right? What's the big deal it's a stupid phone! Unless there is more, secrets, lust and hidden agendas.

 

The issue here is that you think you have done something wrong. Don't feel bad in fact you have proof he's doing something behind your back so what's wrong with you? Respect yourself because if you don't you will begin to give up pieces of your self without knowing, first it's this, then it's that and next thing you know you'll wonder who you are and what you've done. Again from experience going through similar issues. When I didn't snoop through the phone is when I got stung! Who cares if he gives you an AHHA MOMENT! What about the moment some other girl is telling him that she misses him is that appropriate? Unless you are with this guy for fun and good times no need to share anything.

 

 

On the other hand if you want to be in a good relationship you sit down with him and you share your insecurity. You tell him that you are insecure for whatever the reason, other girls, his past and share those feelings not to make him feel guilty but to let yourself be vulnerable and open to someone. Then explain why you went through the phone.... If he's caring and loves you he will understand the circumstance and open up to you.

 

 

Again be strong... sharing phone passwords and devices I feel are obvious. If you were married to him and he hid his phone what's the difference? Why are you giving love but are not able to give up a cell phone is the question in exchange. What is of more value to you?

[j.man]

@SlightlyLost my 13 year relationship is falling apart and from my experience I've been so clear that if you are in a relationship the phone should be a shared item. Why is it we can begin to share our bodies, our souls with people but not our cellphones? I am a strong believer if anyone is in a relationship we can trade phones for a day, right? What's the big deal it's a stupid phone! Unless there is more, secrets, lust and hidden agendas.

 

The issue here is that you think you have done something wrong. Don't feel bad in fact you have proof he's doing something behind your back so what's wrong with you? Respect yourself because if you don't you will begin to give up pieces of your self without knowing, first it's this, then it's that and next thing you know you'll wonder who you are and what you've done. Again from experience going through similar issues. When I didn't snoop through the phone is when I got stung! Who cares if he gives you an AHHA MOMENT! What about the moment some other girl is telling him that she misses him is that appropriate? Unless you are with this guy for fun and good times no need to share anything.

 

On the other hand if you want to be in a good relationship you sit down with him and you share your insecurity. You tell him that you are insecure for whatever the reason, other girls, his past and share those feelings not to make him feel guilty but to let yourself be vulnerable and open to someone. Then explain why you went through the phone.... If he's caring and loves you he will understand the circumstance and open up to you.

 

Again be strong... sharing phone passwords and devices I feel are obvious. If you were married to him and he hid his phone what's the difference? Why are you giving love but are not able to give up a cell phone is the question in exchange. What is of more value to you?

OP, I'm telling you right now there are close to no healthy, self-respecting men would want to be with a woman whose thoughts on relationships reflects the above. It's controlling behavior that has zero place in a trusting relationship.

 

The whole sharing your body vs. sharing your phone analogy serves no other functional purpose than humor. We share our bodies with permission. Same concept applies with matters of privacy. I'm not more entitled to my girlfriend's body as I am to being able to invade her privacy and go through her emails and messages.

[SlightlyLost]

OP, I'm telling you right now there are close to no healthy, self-respecting men would want to be with a woman whose thoughts on relationships reflects the above. It's controlling behavior that has zero place in a trusting relationship.

 

The whole sharing your body vs. sharing your phone analogy serves no other functional purpose than humor. We share our bodies with permission. Same concept applies with matters of privacy. I'm not more entitled to my girlfriend's body as I am to being able to invade her privacy and go through her emails and messages.

 

I'm stuck right in the middle. In my ideal world, there would be no secrets, and thus no *reason* I should even think about his phone. Privacy is important, but boundaries need to be drawn about what can comfortably be kept private without crossing into deceptive territory.

 

To answer the questions: we fell in love half a year ago, and I've only had eyes for him since then, but we have only given one another the boyfriend/girlfriend title shortly before I moved in with him 3 months ago. So, technically, the photos were taken before we were "officially" together.

 

I still have not told him, and the devil on my shoulder is telling me to keep quiet and just never do it again.

[j.man]

I'm stuck right in the middle. In my ideal world, there would be no secrets, and thus no *reason* I should even think about his phone. Privacy is important, but boundaries need to be drawn about what can comfortably be kept private without crossing into deceptive territory.

 

To answer the questions: we fell in love half a year ago, and I've only had eyes for him since then, but we have only given one another the boyfriend/girlfriend title shortly before I moved in with him 3 months ago. So, technically, the photos were taken before we were "officially" together.

 

I still have not told him, and the devil on my shoulder is telling me to keep quiet and just never do it again. wouldn't consider that the devil of your conscience. So long as you're sincere with yourself in committing to not invading his privacy again, it benefits neither of you to bring it up.

[changeiscoming]

OP, I'm telling you right now there are close to no healthy, self-respecting men would want to be with a woman whose thoughts on relationships reflects the above. It's controlling behavior that has zero place in a trusting relationship.

 

The whole sharing your body vs. sharing your phone analogy serves no other functional purpose than humor. We share our bodies with permission. Same concept applies with matters of privacy. I'm not more entitled to my girlfriend's body as I am to being able to invade her privacy and go through her emails and messages.

You make a good point. No doubt but I still disagree I guess that's just how life works. I don't see any problem sharing my phone with anyone? What's the big deal it's a phone, right? It doesn't make sense to move in, have sex create a relationship then tell someone to respect my privacy on my phone. Maybe i'm not healthy or self-respecting to myself....

[mhowe]

I agree with jman. I have no need nor desire to look in my bfs phone. And I would never give my phone to him. It is irrelevant that there is nothing for him to see.

 

Where there is no trust, love will suffocate. Being in a relationship does not mean there is no privacy nor boundaries.

[Ms Darcy]

You make a good point. No doubt but I still disagree I guess that's just how life works. I don't see any problem sharing my phone with anyone? What's the big deal it's a phone, right? It doesn't make sense to move in, have sex create a relationship then tell someone to respect my privacy on my phone. Maybe i'm not healthy or self-respecting to myself....

 

If you really believe this, tell him this and let him decide if he wants to stay or what he wants to do.