swimmergirl20 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Hello, For reference, I am 25 and he is 27. Thank you for reading. I started dating this guy about 2.5 months ago, and everything has been going well for the most part. He's very sweet and probably one of the best guys I've dated in a long time. I'm in therapy to work on my anxiety and insecurities, and part of my therapy is working on not being so passive in a lot of areas of my life. I ended up taking a more dominant tone in this relationship, telling him on the 3rd date that I was looking for a relationship and not a hook-up, and then initiating the exclusivity conversation after about a month. He comes from a different cultural background than I do, and so a few dates ago (maybe 2 months into dating), I casually asked him if his mom tries to set him up and if he had to marry someone from his cultural background. He said his parents would like that, but we didn't go any further into it. He could tell I was a little disappointed/not enthused and then he said that marriage was not something he was thinking about. He said he still enjoyed seeing me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. I'm also his first girlfriend, I've had one serious, long-term relationship. I guess I've given myself some anxiety about all of this because I wonder if he actually sees a future with me, or if I'm just entertaining him for now. He's said things like "I've never had a gf before, I'm not sure what i'm doing" and "let's just take this slowly and one day at a time." He does put in effort to see me, plans dates and takes me out, remembers if I like a certain candy and brings it to me. I did try to end it about a month in because he seemed wishy-washy, but he took a very pro-active stance and asked me if we could have coffee and talk. We ended up continuing to see each other and I felt a lot better about everything. The reason why I wonder if I'm being needy is because 1.) the conversation about marriage (I shouldn't have even asked him that question about his parents) and 2.) We haven't texted much since I came home for Thanksgiving. He texted me the first day (Tuesday) to make sure I got home safely and we texted a bit back and forth, then he texted me on Thursday to say happy thanksgiving (just that) and then I texted him today about hanging out this week, and we made plans for later this week when I'm back in town. Is it weird that we haven't texted more? Am I being too needy for 2.5 months in? Thanks! Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Yes, I suspect you are. You don't know him yet, so to talk about marriage or even have that in the back of your mind, is way too premature. You've made it clear that you want a committed relationship, whic is great, but that may not ever lead to marriage. What you're doing is jumping ahead in your mind - projecting - and trying to divine what might happen in the future. He sounds nice. I'd suggest you enjoy the present - enjoy your dates, your conversations and your texting. Try hard not to presume what 'should' be and focus in what 'is'. This applies to the texting as well. You'll have a much happier time and you'll make a much nicer GF. Link to comment
arjumand Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Probably, but the real problem is you aren't listening to what he has to say. He basically told you that he is going to marry someone from his culture that his family approves, and that right NOW he is not thinking of marriage. That means you are fine until he decides to get married. BTW, you are not the first woman on this board to have this relationship, and I really question why so many worthwhile ladies go out of their way to break their own hearts. If you want a relationship with a long-term future, this is not it. Link to comment
beanpot Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Unfortunately it does seem a bit too much too early. Especially if this is his first real relationship. 2.5 months in is not much time. Take it slow, enjoy the process, and try your best (I know it may seem impossible at times) to keep your mind on the present. Link to comment
swimmergirl20 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 I get what you're saying, arjumand. The thing is, I'm not thinking about marriage either, but maybe in 4-5 years. I do want to see where this goes. I really like him, it's working out, I'm stressed out with school (i'm in law school), so I don't want to end this prematurely. Link to comment
swimmergirl20 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Should I say anything to him like I'm sorry I got ahead of myself?? I feel like I need to backtrack a bit. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Yes, I suspect you are. You don't know him yet, so to talk about marriage or even have that in the back of your mind, is way too premature. You've made it clear that you want a committed relationship, whic is great, but that may not ever lead to marriage. What you're doing is jumping ahead in your mind - projecting - and trying to divine what might happen in the future. He sounds nice. I'd suggest you enjoy the present - enjoy your dates, your conversations and your texting. Try hard not to presume what 'should' be and focus in what 'is'. This applies to the texting as well. You'll have a much happier time and you'll make a much nicer GF. I second this post. I think you are jumping the gun a bit here - it's still early days, barely 2.5 months and way too soon to bring up the topic of marriage (imo). He told you where he stands and you need to also take note of his culture and the possibility that he may eventually choose to marry within his culture. So, be careful - you may end up dating this guy for 5 years and he ends up marrying someone else. Link to comment
swimmergirl20 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Thanks! Well I guess I haven't scared him away TOO much because we have plans to hang out this week. I wonder if I should tell him I got ahead of myself, just so he doesn't think I'm unhappy with the pace of things...? Link to comment
youareworthy Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Dear Swimmergirl20, I think if you just drop the subject of marriage altogether, and simply live in the present, you and he will be able to put this little episode behind you. If he brings it up or drastically pulls away, then try saying something simple like, "I'm sorry I jumped the gun a bit. I would like to just concentrate on the here and now." Do not overthink this--trust me. I am a brilliantly accomplished but Recovering Overthinker! : P There is a healthy "rule" for relationships often called "The Four Seasons Rule." Match.com says about it: "Basically, it takes four seasons — or one whole year — to really get to know someone." In this rule, you should date a full year before either of you broaches the topic of marriage, because a year gives you both time to get through the "best foot forward" stage, and back to being just plain old you. It is this person, the real you, with whom your partner will live in marriage, so you want to reach this point of mutual understanding before you begin deciding about suitability in the long term. Relax. Have a good time hanging out with this kind person. Consider yourself blessed to have such a nice guy around. Youareworthy Link to comment
arjumand Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Your plan not to think about marriage for 4 to 5 years is fine provided you are perfectly fine with the fact that he will most likely marry someone else no matter how 'fabulous' your relationship is. If that is fine with you, go enjoy yourself. Link to comment
PH Suite Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I get what you're saying, arjumand. The thing is, I'm not thinking about marriage either, but maybe in 4-5 years. I do want to see where this goes. I really like him, it's working out, I'm stressed out with school (i'm in law school), so I don't want to end this prematurely. You'll be a very different person, with a very different lifestyle in 4-5 years. So will he. You'll probably have had romantic relationships with 4-5 different people by then. So might he. It makes no sense to think about it now, or to paint him into your future picture. And given he's never even had a gf, it makes no difference at all what he tells you he might plan or want because he's never even observed himself in a long-term or serious relationship. He can have no idea at all what he wants, might want, etc. It'd all just be guessing based on zero experience. Waste or your time and his. I concur with those who advise you live in the moment, and accept he's extremely unlikely to marry you no matter what happens. That's true of most relationships - how many end in marriage? - much less given his parental/cultural situation, Link to comment
East4 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I have 3 girlfriends who dated long term men from cultures where the arranged marriage is a norm. The three of them ended dumped and very broken hearted when these guys married brides chosen by their parents and from the same culture. These guys were just benefitting from the freedom of western society that they cannot enjoy in their own countries, i.e. intimacy and companionship of a western woman who does not require marriage. Then when it was time for "serious business" they dumped their western girlfriends from one day to another. this forum is also full of similar stories, that you may find useful to read. Link to comment
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