I miss my ex boyfriend

[Butterflyxx]

Me and my ex were together a year but have been very close for 3 years.

This is my 1st proper relationship and his 2nd proper. We are both 17 (he's turning 18 soon).

Throughout the time I've known him he was always a caring guy who always listened to me and helped me when I was upset etc, he used to spend time (especially at the start of the relationship) making me feel loved and wanted, he'd always compliment me and made me feel special. Whenever I was upset he would put on my favourite song and cuddle me until I was fine.

However, he did have many bad aspects to himself which his ex girlfriend warned me about before we started dating, but I shrugged it off as I thought she was jealous.

1. We only met on Saturday nights, we went to the same school yet he always was with his friends and he never spent time with me. He said he preferred waiting until the weekend to see me as it'd make it more special. (We only spent 4 hours with one another on Saturdays).

2. The only form of communication within the week was text (he could never be bothered to call me), and as time went on he used to take ages to reply to my messages as he'd be on xbox CONSTANTLY.

3. He used to talk to other girls online, they may have just been friends but I was always uncomfortable because me and him only started as friends but this made me paranoid over time as when he used to take ages to reply I used to presume he was talking to other girls.

4. Whenever I got upset or annoyed that he took ages to reply or didn't put effort into talking to me on a night (which was a lot near the end) he was online constantly on Facebook he made me feel stupid by saying 'jesus I was just on xbox?' When i got upset he didnt reply which upset me because he obviously wasn't too busy.

5. The only time we went on a date together like a normal couple was this Halloween and we went to the cinema but as soon as the movie ended and we walked out of the cinema he said 'right let's go home' as if he didn't want to be there.

Near the last 2 months of our relationship I would constantly ask him to put a little more effort into the relationship as I felt unwanted and he got upset and started accusing me of calling him a rubbish boyfriend, and that he's doing the best he could.

It took him 5 months to say I love you from when we first got together, and he never posted anything on social media about me whereas I did him.

The first few months were absolutely perfect, but I went downhill. My parents always told me that if he truly wanted to be with me then he would always want to be with me and spend time with me, not the opposite. I feel bad for pointing out all of his flaws but he made me unhappy most of the time but when I was with him in person he always put me first and made me feel special. I really miss him.

**we broke up a week ago as he told me he knew I was unhappy and he believed I would be happier without him**

[musicman777]

Hello butterfly,

You are very young, break ups are part of life. A lot of us miss that other person when a break up first happens. That is quite an accomplishment you were with this person a year at such a young age.

 

It sounds to me like this young guy has a lot of growing up to do. He's still young, a teenager, loves his video games, spending time with friends, probably isn't ready for any committed relationship yet in more ways than one. I say distance yourself from this guy as much as possible. Quit talking and texting, block him on the social networks, and avoid him at school if you're still in school together. Sounds like he wasn't treating your right nor giving you the attention you wanted and deserved.

 

You have a full life ahead of you, all your twenties to look forward to and other great guys to meet. People his age aren't ready for a commitment. You have a lot of growing to do yourself and seeing what you want in life (besides just the dating aspect). Relax and enjoy your young years, they go by fast! I'm 25 I wish I was 17 again. I want a do-over sometimes. Just forget about this guy. Years from now this will all seem like silly nonsense to worry about. Good luck.

[saluk]

I'm sorry you are going through this rough time. You have known it was going to end for a long time, and I remember you listing all of the ways he was making you unhappy in these forums several times in the past. There is no reason to feel bad to say these things about him - you aren't purposely putting him down, these were real issues and ways in which he was not a good boyfriend to you. And he was man enough at this point to actually realize himself that he was not right or good for you, and was not able to provide what you were seeking. When someone is valuable to you, you want to spend time with them.

 

I think one thing here that you might be having trouble with, are how he was two-faced. When you were actually together, you really enjoyed being with him, and he interacted with you in a way that made you feel good. But when you were apart, you were almost completely disconnected from each other, and he was always pushing you aside and did not really care how you were feeling or what you were doing. You don't miss this part. You miss the other part. Very little has changed now that you have broken up. You are still missing those connecting times that you were ALREADY missing. But something we have to learn, and I think it's one of the things that makes relationships so hard, is that you can't just take the good parts of people and ignore the rest. When you are in a relationship with someone - especially a romantic one where they touch so many parts of your life - you have to consider all of it. Although he makes you feel good when you are together, it is not worth the being cast aside. Because actually, that being cast aside makes the good stuff seem cheap and fake. Like he is just placating you to keep you around a little longer, even though his heart wasn't really in it.

 

You can't get distracted by only what you like about someone, pay very close attention to the ways in which they aren't treating you right. And be careful to let something develop further when you discover things about their character or behavior that may be a problem. Even if you really like a part of them.

 

How is your friends situation? I remember you were having trouble making friends? Something really important in a breakup is other people to help you remember that there is more to life than "boys". Don't be afraid to reach out to people or try something new. A pain of a break up can push you to do things that you may have been too timid to do before.

[emptyeffort]

he was just a kid. and didnt have the feelings for you that you had for him. choosing games and friends over the significant other and text other girls nonstop to that extend.. youre both young and he is very immature. everyone deserves to be loved as much as they love them.

 

do you really want a kid who prefers to play some games on xbox rather than texting, phoning or meeting you?

men who really love you will take their time for you.. even if they enjoy playing video games half the day. you should be on the top of someones prioritylist. and if that is how he treated you.. you werent even close.

 

now that you got the little boy out of your way. youll eventually find a real man who knows how to treat you and who sets his priorities right.

[Butterflyxx]

Thank you for the advice everyone, I understand he was too immature and one day I'll meet a guy who will treat me as his priority but I can't seem to even try and move on from him. He was my first love and it feels like such a large piece of me is missing. I'll see him every single day at school and it'll hurt seeing him, I wish I could just ring him up and tell him I miss him but I know it'd be no good.

I dream about him every night and literally everything reminds me of him

[Butterflyxx]

Me and my boyfriend were together approximately a year. He was my first love and a few days ago we broke up. He was immature and didn't see our relationship as important as I did thus we ran into a lot of problems, despite this he did also make me feel special and loved when we were together.

We were very close for 3 years too, and we are both 17.

As soon as we broke up I went into N/C straight away and still remain in it.

I miss him SO much. I've never missed someone like this before, it feels as if a massive part of me is missing and whatever I do to try and cheer me up it doesn't help. I loved him so much and it hurts so much that we're not together anymore.

I constantly dream about him and everything reminds me of him.

I'm going to school tomorrow and he'll be there and it'll hurt all over, I keep getting the urge to look at him.

I can't bare not talking to him I keep having to stop myself from calling him.

It hurts thinking that one say he'll have another girlfriend who will be able to kiss him and hold his hand like I once did.

This is literally impossible and I've been crying myself to sleep every night since the break up.

I keep thinking that one day he'll come back again (because in July we broke up for 2 months and we were together again from September to November, and he came back to me), and I'm waiting for that day that things will get better between us both.

The second break up was so sudden because only on Monday I thought things were okay between us and now I've lost him again.

Please help!!!

[Capricorn3]

Threads have been merged.

[emptyeffort]

Thank you for the advice everyone, I understand he was too immature and one day I'll meet a guy who will treat me as his priority but I can't seem to even try and move on from him. He was my first love and it feels like such a large piece of me is missing. I'll see him every single day at school and it'll hurt seeing him, I wish I could just ring him up and tell him I miss him but I know it'd be no good.

I dream about him every night and literally everything reminds me of him

 

im going through the same stuff atm. she was my first real love and relationship. a huge part of me went missing when she left me and im definitely not the same anymore. (after 2 months i laughed in public for the first time f. ex.) im forced to see her every day in college and i dream of her alot.

 

it sucks. i know that. and the feeling not to be able to move on is normal. our mind is bound to say that due to our feelings. i know for me atleast its gonna take a LONG time to truely move on. but i think youre gonna think less and less about him with enough time. and some day you will fall in love again with someone else. you have to keep yourself busy. if youre idle you start thinking of him and remenisce.

 

and about the new stuff that got merged into this thread.

you shouldnt hope for him to be back. you can get so much better than some kid who only meets you 4 hours a week.. not comprehendable to me. towards the end of my relationship this was how it was going for me. it was definitely not enough for me. i felt really depressed when she wasnt there.

 

the part in school where you cant bear not to talk to him and such. i had that too. i tried to keep sitting next to her. i tried to talk and such. but for me it didnt work out. after a few weeks i realized and i stopped both of those. obviously i still say hello. but i dont actively engage in conversations anymore and i dont sit next to her anymore.

 

you dont necessarily need stuff that cheers you up. you need stuff that distracts you. hobbies, friends, family, school. its hard. hang in there. ultimately you dont have any other choice.

[Butterflyxx]

Thank you so so much! I hope you're feeling a little bit better day by day about your breakup, I wish you all the best for the future too!

I believe this is the worst bit of it all. I feel as if I need to have a few days to be upset over what happened and then begin to get myself back on track.

With us seeing one another 4 hours a week (this month alone we only saw one another 4 times), he always told me that he preferred waiting until the weekend so we could spend more quality time together and school was separate.

I know I need to focus on myself and my school work, I'm planning on getting a part time job too and doing voluntary work.

[Butterflyxx]

I can't let go of him, and realise it's the end.

We were together for a year, the first few months were perfect but as time went on I felt as if I wasn't as priority anymore, throughout the relationship we only met up once a week, and nearing the end of the relationship he used to always put his mates and xbox before me.

I will admit however it was my fault partially because I allowed him to treat me like that, as I don't feel as if I could imagine myself getting treated like a priority by someone (I have low self esteem).

Hed ignore my messages for hours until I messaged him a few more times and Id often get frustrated and then he came back and said I had mental health problems like his ex because I was constantly worried and anxious he'd leave.

I felt as if I had to put up with the negative because I knew approximately a few weeks of him being distant meant a week or so of him being lovely and he put all the effort in.

I can't let him go because I love him. He wasn't all bad, during the start few months of our relationship he was very caring and affectionate.

[DoF]

So you want to remain with a BOY that puts his friends and Xbox over YOU in the priority order?

 

And you "can't seem to let him go".

 

Well, sounds to me like you like this then. Do nothing.

 

Or find a REAL men.....there is an idea.

[mhowe]

He isn't interested.

 

And your break up/rescind and apologize strategy has gotten old so he is just ignoring you now.

[Butterflyxx]

I don't feel like I deserve a boyfriend who puts in effort as I keep running back to my ex.

[Capricorn3]

Threads have been merged- all pertaining to same topic. OP, it is not necessary to start new threads all the time when it pertains to the same topic - just continue in the current thread. Thanks.

[saluk]

You are right, not that you don't deserve a boyfriend, but you aren't ready for one right now. You need time to recover, not to just run into a new thing.

 

That "great" boyfriend that you had the first few weeks is what is known as the honeymoon period. When a relationship is new, generally, both parties put in a little bit more time and effort than they will do after time passes and they settle in. You can never have that again with your ex. That first few weeks is the best he will ever be to you. What came after is the real version. He also is the one who broke up with you and let you go, so it is not realistic that you will get back with him at this point.

 

Again, you are still so focused on him and how you feel about him. You need other things going on in your life to focus on, and other friends to spend your time with. You don't need a boyfriend. You aren't ready for a good boyfriend as you say, wait until you are ready or you never will be ready.

 

Why is your self esteem so low? You wont find self esteem by looking at others and how much they like you. You have to find it inside. You have to like yourself. Do you not like yourself? Why not? What can you work on or change so that you can start liking yourself? Don't try to be in a relationship until you do, otherwise you will attract guys like your ex who you will let toss you around.

[Butterflyxx]

Me missing him now instead has moved to me becoming angry at how he treated me.

I am very angry at the fact that he NEVER put any effort in our relationship and I was the one to suffer.

I feel so stupid that I let him treat me like that. I hope he's unhappy just like how he made me unhappy.

I never again EVER want to be treated like the way he treated me by anyone.

How dare he leave me in such a way? He never cared and I wasted so much of my time on him!!

I still love and care for him, yet I am angry and frustrated.

I stupidly blamed myself for the way our relationship turned out, I felt worthless and pathetic, but it was HIM that caused the relationship to go downhill, not me.

[mhowe]

Now the grieving has begun.

 

Use the anger to fuel change in yourself and your moving forward. Because you are most angry at yourself for putting up with it.

[ForgetYourEvil]

He's just a "boy"friend. He's a boy. You're 17. You'll most likely date and be with plenty more "men" before you settle down and find the one. Have fun and enjoy life.

[Butterflyxx]

He's just a "boy"friend. He's a boy. You're 17. You'll most likely date and be with plenty more "men" before you settle down and find the one. Have fun and enjoy life.

 

Thank you!

[ForgetYourEvil]

Thank you!

 

Of course. Just being honest! I'm 32, and let me tell you, I've dated/been in a relationship with probably 50 women since I was 17. Probably more, actually. You're so young. Get out there and find the right fit for you.

[Butterflyxx]

I'm finding it a bit tough right now. It's the anniversary of the day we first started dating and I'm feeling a bit low.

I really do love him and he's gone.

[ForgetYourEvil]

I'm finding it a bit tough right now. It's the anniversary of the day we first started dating and I'm feeling a bit low.

I really do love him and he's gone.

 

My anniversary was last month.. it was brutal making it through that weekend. It actually led me to break down and contact her the next week.. bad idea. Big mistake. Stay strong and DO NOT reach out to him. Have some self-respect. You're so young. You have plenty of men ahead of you to pick and choose form. The world is yours, baby!

[saluk]

Of course you are feeling down now, but look at it another way. After today you will have passed through one of the hardest moments in the post-breakup experience! It's a whole year till your next anniversary, and who knows what may happen in your life before then?

[Butterflyxx]

That's very true. I need to be positive but it's so difficult. Christmas and new years this year will be so painful because last year I spent it with him and his family and we kissed on new years and now I'm alone without him by my side. I bet he will have an amazing Christmas with another girl this year and I'm here sat miserable because he's not with me anymore and I miss him.

I don't know how to take my mind off it.

[saluk]

You don't need to "be positive" necessarily. Be whatever you are - just when you think about it, try to see all angles rather than just focusing on the painful parts, or the absence you now feel. You may have a thought like "Aw those people are ice skating. It would have been nice to go ice skating with him." Try and add something. "But I can still ice skate and have fun," or "but after skating with him he would go play xbox and ignore me for the next week and make me feel like crap." Our minds really like to link ideas together - that's basically their main function. So when you work a little bit and create these extra links, it can help to keep you from getting stuck, like a broken record, in those dark places.

 

It takes effort, and practice, and you will still HAVE those sad thoughts, but over time they won't linger as long.

 

Keep doing fun things (like ice skating or whatever) even if you feel like you can't because you don't have someone to do it with. Sometimes it can feel bad because you don't have that arm candy, but other times it can be empowering and make you realize you don't actually need someone to enjoy the holidays.