I'm doing my head in.

[Lisii]

Hi, I'm Lisii and I think I'm going crazy.

 

I broke up with my bf "G" of a year, about 3 weeks ago, it was mutual. Long story short I was not ready for a relationship when we met (I was getting over a violent relationship and was trying to find me again). I've known him for about 4 years, we met through a dating site but I wasn't interested in him, he was very sweet but we had no common interests, we lost contact and I met and moved on with (D)

 

This time last year, I was on my own with my 2 children healing from an mentally and physically abusive relationship with (D). Well "G" came in guns blazing to be with me, and I let him (I was so weak, my self esteem was shattered), I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, I hadn't healed and that I needed time to be with my kids and become me again. He was at my door daily and after a few months I relented, I got use to having him around. (Ahhhhh!), we became a couple.

 

We have struggled for a year, I can't say I was ever in love with him. I know he adored me, and in the beginning he loved me, he told me that when we became a couple it was the first time he had ever thought of marrying someone. He hasn't really ever been in a long term relationship, I have a feeling he may be High functioning Asperger's, very intelligent and very successful, but when it came to nurturing the relationship he couldn't he had these quirks almost to a degree of selfishness, there was no communication. Sex was just an act to him (I'm very tactile, sensual and a bit ditzy) - being so different we were doomed from the start.

 

I should have ended it sooner, but I couldn't. I felt like such a failure due to my past relationships that I tried everything in my people pleasing persona try and be the perfect gf and to keep the relationship going. I failed. In the end I suffocated him, Even though I knew we were not suited I still held on hope that someday I would fall in love with him, get use to his quirkiness and we would be fine. I did the big dating sin and mothered him (bad move).

 

3 weeks ago he told me he found my lack of self esteem unattractive and he couldn't cope anymore. Who could blame the poor guy. I agree with him, and we ended it.

 

Thing is, I can't get him out of my head. I stalk his Facebook, I freak when he's out with friends and am paranoid that he's talking about me.. (he doesn't know this, I've chosen no contact). I'm just not coping. Why am I doing these things? why do I have this aching pit in my chest?

 

Last week my doctor put me on pills for PTSD and high anxiety, they must be working I no longer cry or yell at my kids and can finally limit my time on Facebook - to a degree.

 

I feel humiliated for trying something that was so obviously going to fail. I miss him, yet I don't want him. I want him to hold me, but we don't fit.

 

Why am I being such a nutter? I know I have to go out and find myself, I am so aware of what is right and wrong. I just can't stop thinking about him, us.

 

Help

[kbbcoop77]

Disable your Facebook account for a few months, that's what I did after my breakup. Actually it's still disabled after a couple years. People just post nonsense anyway, it's not real life.

[mhowe]

It's time to do the hard work of reclaiming yourself. Alone.

[melancholy123]

Unfriend him on fb. Dont look at his page, if it's public. You need to block all possible ways of knowing what he's doing. You can't control what he says or does now that you are not together, so you need to stop tormenting yourself. I'm never an advocate of presc. drugs but perhaps this is a good way to break that link with him. Time to find yourself!

[Dottieflanogon]

Block him from Face book and you can focus on yourself for now . You projected your feelings from your previous partner, to the next guy. In doing so, you never addressed your own personal issues, and work out the pain and hurt from your previous relationship. Its essential to learn to be happy being on your own. This means spending some time being totally single. You'll learn more about yourself and what you want for your next partner

[Lisii]

Thank you for your replies

 

I not able to block him from facebook as it's public and we unfortunately work in the same industry which requires me to link to him - I still need to contact him work related once or twice a week, (thus far I have managed to keep it purely professional and via email). I have removed facebook from my phone and can only access it from my work laptop (my friend has changed my password so I can't sign in anywhere else - she is clever!).

 

I miss his friendship, and truly understand that I need to go it alone (for my sanity and his, and for the sake of my children), so we can all move on. It's just so freakishly hard.

 

I have held off taking prescription medication for a year, and only went on them a fortnight ago as exercise and diet was no longer helping. This is the first time I have found a lot benefit in taking them. (Different to five years ago when I had took another medication for situational Depression - divorce - I couldn't handle them, and resorted to diet and exercise which worked wonders).

 

Again thank you. I will do my best to distract my thoughts, and focus on me.

[catfeeder]

Instead of looking at this time with white knuckles as you believe that you are depriving yourself of something bad for you, why not consider it as a time of learning how to 'let go' and allow life to teach you all the wonderful things you can be lead to learn by just stepping out of your own way?

 

The best way to change a habit is to replace it with another one, and a coach at work taught us that it takes 21 days for the brain to form new synapses to support this. He said to keep a running list of all the habits we want to address and to work on them one at a time. This avoids glomming them into a giant abstraction--nobody can resolve those.

 

So you already know that you want to stop obsessing over this guy, but what kind of rewarding interests are you offering yourself as a replacement focus? Sure, you can focus on your work and children, and that's actually helpful. But now is a good time to explore your creativity and come up with fun ways to move your thinking to higher ground--whether that involves redecorating your home or learning a language or any other constructive thing that will enhance your life and pull your focus away from wallowing.

 

Grief is natural--and an occasional boo-hoo session with the tissue box is never off limits. But there's a difference between "I can't" versus "I won't" and it's imperative that you adopt accuracy about this.

 

What kind of doctor put you on the meds? If it's a regular MD, I hope you'll consider partnering that treatment with talk therapy so that your meds can be properly monitored. Holding yourself accountable to someone who is trained in emotional and behavioral modification will help you to stay on track.

 

Write more if it helps, and head high. You can make it your goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resiliency and ability to bounce back from this, and you can make yourself proud.

[Lisii]

 

What kind of doctor put you on the meds? If it's a regular MD, I hope you'll consider partnering that treatment with talk therapy so that your meds can be properly monitored. Holding yourself accountable to someone who is trained in emotional and behavioral modification will help you to stay on track.

 

It was my regular GP, I have been going to therapy weekly for a while (re the PTSD) it's following on from there.

 

I am looking into joining new adventure groups (as I have distanced myself from the one we were in together), I found out yesterday that he hasn't told anyone that we have broken up, which made me feel better (we live in a small town and the thought of being the subject of gossip increased my anxiety). It reminded me that he's not out to get me like my past abusive relationship and that he does have have integrity. It woke me up to how unhealthy my thoughts are, and to trust I have wonderful people in my life.

 

My therapist said I ooze desperation (to fit in and please people), which I thought I was hiding behind enthusiasm - ha! . I really do not like this desperate person I have become. It scares me.

[catfeeder]

My therapist said I ooze desperation (to fit in and please people), which I thought I was hiding behind enthusiasm - ha! . I really do not like this desperate person I have become. It scares me.

 

Yeah....no. I get it. I did that enthusiasm thing, too. It's exhausting, and it doesn't 'work'. It was my default 'on' switch, and I ran it on autopilot whenever I went out into the world--which was pretty much all the time, because if I allowed myself to power down, I was either filled with anxiety about being alone or I was so depleted I'd sleep.

 

Then it occurred to me that it's time to put the tap-dance shoes away. I tried some experiment where I allowed myself to 'go invisible' for a day. This meant that I would still go to my job and do my normal stuff, but I took myself out of 'action' mode and I went quiet. I allowed myself to relax and stop controlling situations. I kindly spoke when spoken to, and I answered questions when asked, but I put my paste-on personality away and went into observer mode.

 

It was a magical day. Problems resolved themselves, people around me were less frantic and chaotic--or maybe that was just me. Point is, I enjoyed it so much, I did it again the next day. And the day after that.

 

Over time I started noticing quiet people who I never paid attention to before. They sought me out. So did others who I thought would drop me flat if I wasn't my entertaining self. I assigned meetings I was in charge of facilitating to others so I could observe what happens when I'm not driving. Lots of thoughtful ideas came up that I would have otherwise plowed past. I started to care about others above and beyond what they thought of me. I became less 'me' centric, I cut out caffeine, and I learned how to relax.

 

This was years ago, and the quiet power of invisibility has since become my default position. It's rewards can't be explained--they need to be experienced. I've attracted smart friends who I admire rather than those who seek the sugar high of 'entertaining' personalities, and all of my relationships are relaxed, meaningful and drama free.

 

Disposition is a decision. We might hold beliefs that certain traits are just 'who we are' but that's an immature view that hasn't been challenged by experimentation.

 

I hope you'll write more if it helps, and I hope you'll feel inspired to relax. It can open new doors that you never knew existed.

[Lisii]

Thank you Catfeeder, you make perfect sense and I'm looking forward to seeing the change in me.

 

Today I purposely left my phone at home (I'm never without my phone!!), I dropped my youngest to his sailing regatta and went for a mountain bike ride with my eldest. We had so much fun (well he did, I had a few carnage heart attacks..), i then took him out to lunch and relaxed with him in the sun. We are now chilling at home about to watch a movie. I have ignored work emails and am taking in my environment and appreciating my surroundings. My mood has leveled out and I'm feeling an acceptance that I haven't in a few years. Tomorrow is another day, I will do the same when I go to work. I did check my messenger to see if he's online when I logged in here, but I haven't obsessed today. Yay for me!

 

1st day of summer here tomorrow, a good day for new beginnings