Wife shopping with male coworker

[eldasensei]

Why not a women with great looks ("perfect" from your prespective) and a good character. Sounds like you believe you can't get better then her in terms of looks and just settle for this behavior. I think your self confidence is an issue here or else you would not have put up with this behavior coming form her. How can you love someone that has such little regard towards you?

 

One thing is for sure. I believe you can get better then her in terms of looks and definitly behavior. It's just a matter of time you start believing in this yourself.

[mtk2419]

When I get time I will respond with some background info on both of us which will explain some things better, wife is up now.

[Stay_home]

My wife is 45, flirty and very outgoing, when we went out last night she saddled up to the bar right between two guys and I had to stand behind her while she chatted with the gents, all the time while I was fuming about the shopping trip she had told me about.

 

I was getting ready to be diplomatic, but this ^ really bothers me.

 

I think she's treading on thin ice with her flirty behavior. You were just having a conversation about this and she goes to a bar and pulls in between two more guys and starts running her mouth??? Come on....

 

It's a bad idea, really bad, and it shows a lack of respect for not only your marriage but for you.

[mtk2419]

Stay home, in all honesty I was fuming about the Steve shopping trip when she saddled up to the bar but I hadn't brought it up to her yet.

Now she is hooked on a game on her phone which is consuming a lot of her time, we fought about it last night, it's insane, she said she has found an outlet and now I am trying to take it away from here.

I went to bed frustrated at 11:15, she said I will be up in a few minutes, it was 1:30 before she came to bed and now it's my fault that we are fighting.

She plays this game when we go out to dinner and when she is riding in the car.

[mtk2419]

She said she fell asleep in the recliner but she was on Facebook like 30 minutes before shecame to bed, doesn't make sense. She said I am being a .

[PH Suite]

She's a child and you're spineless.

 

If anyone is acting "insane" it's you. As a childish serial abuser who takes no responsibility she just doing what she's always done. What's your excuse?

[annie24]

She said she fell asleep in the recliner but she was on Facebook like 30 minutes before shecame to bed, doesn't make sense. She said I am being a .

 

ok, so it is obvious now that you married for looks, not for character. So here you go. You won't leave her, and we don't have the magic pill to make her act like a nice wife. so........

[mtk2419]

I came form a home where I was emotionally abused, so maybe that explains why I can or will tolerate so much, I found what someone said earlier about my wife grooming me to be a cuck somewhat interesting, as that has crossed my mind, but she said she would never do anything behind my back.

And yesterday she said Steve sent her a text saying I bet your husband is happy "our" football team is doing quite well, not sure who initiated the texting there on a Saturday, oh well. I think using me and football was a way to send a text and start a conversation with my wife and appear safe at the same time.

My wife is no doubt pushy and dominate, she says I need to trust her, she has pushed my buttons and I have way over reacted at times, she told me that she can't take my controlling ways anymore, and that something has to change.

I'm not the one creating the drama, I think I am going to give her all the rope she is asking for and we will see what happens.

[mhowe]

She already has all the rope she needs and has trussed you up and walked away.

[mtk2419]

And she did say that she would be glad when she married me so I couldn't run away as easily, I do have hot and cold moments about the way she is, but I think her 5lb of crazy in a 10 lb sack was more of a draw than anything, and she has taken all of the rope and yes she has me trussed up, so deep down as this goes on I guess their is something that I like about that.

[mhowe]

I have grown weary of this story...enjoy!

[lostandhurt]

I think you mean 10 lbs of crazy in a 5 lb sack.

 

She isn't doing anything behind your back, it is right in front of you. Get ready for her to bring up having an open marriage.

 

Lost

[Fudgie]

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you pick a mate based on external factors solely (age, looks, etc) without regard for internal qualities. You married a s__t hoping that marriage would make her a respectable lady. Now you understand that this doesn't happen. Marriage doesn't really change anyone as a person. She's still the same old s__t that she was before marriage. I am not sure what you felt would happen that would make her change.

 

The question is, what do you do now? Are her looks enough to keep you married to her, despite her obvious hi jinks and infidelities?

[tiredofvampires]

OP, admittedly I have not read through the entire thread, but I'd like to just put in a few things from a slightly different type of perspective.

 

There are a couple of things that jump out in your story. One is that your wife's ex reached out to friend you on Facebook -- and while that seems odd as hell to everyone, to me that would be quite relieving. Because if he was really in competition with you, he wouldn't see you as a "buddy". Unless there's something absolutely insane about him, but I think male-to-male buddying up on Facebook tends to indicate he's benign. Whatever torch he carried/carries for your wife is a moot issue, and not one being actively pursued. Which is ALL THAT MATTERS, because we can't police everything that other people feel or think, we can only ask that they respect boundaries. It's your wife's feelings for him, not his for her, that determine his place in her life. You might choose to view him as a slightly tragic figure in need of more friends, and just friend him to establish "no hard feelings". That may or may not feel right for you, but I'm just saying, there is more than one way to view this.

 

Then there is this:

 

But this is sad, I take some responsibility for it, at first I took a hard stance against Steve, I have softened on that, he may be attracted to my wife but the reality of it is I have to trust her and her actions, she may like the attention, it's probably innocent, I seriously don't think she is screwing him. Our sex life is dynamite.

But we do have some serious issues, today when my wife was getting ready to go to the store she said I am dressing as unattractively as possible, and I said what does that mean? I said that has nothing to do with the issue at hand, it's about someone being attracted to you not you being attractive.

And as much as I think about being alone I like being with someone, it's great to have someone to do things with and we do have a lot in common.

 

That's BIG. At the beginning, your wife gave you the chance to be part of her friendship with Steve, and you DID have insecurities and jealousy issues that prevented that. So you helped to sow the seeds of resentment and mistrust. When I say mistrust, I mean that even if she were totally an open book and transparent with you about her dealings with Steve, and her friendship, you might have put down ultimatums (toxic to relationships) or blown a gasket. I was in a relationship with a very jealous man before (actually, more than one), and at first I was completely honest and above-board about everything I said and did with a male friend of mine. I know I was innocent. But due to his suspicions and the arguments and misery they caused, I started to pick and choose which battles I wanted, which hills to die on, and therefore, which little "by the way's" I'd keep to myself. Because he was not in control of his insecurities, I had to be more in control of what I said. And while others could point a finger at me for this, I felt it was like he'd set me up to this. I hated the fact that I could not just speak about my male friend(s) anymore with complete candor, because I was tip-toeing around my partner's jealous and yes, controlling behavior. If I told him I went out to a diner with my friend for dinner, later I'd have to "pay" for that evening of pleasant conversation. Who wants to deal with that? And I do not feel it was his place to tell me to cease and desist having nice dinner conversation one-on-one with my friend (of course, he threw it in my face that perhaps he should do this with some woman friend of his, and I said GO AHEAD, WITH MY BLESSINGS; but that was just bait to turn the tables, since he had no friends like this, of the opposite sex. It backfired on him because in his world, my trusting him with that [since we love and want each] other didn't compute.)

 

After we broke up, I realized that a very important aspect of a relationship for me is trust -- but trust that is earned through openness. I want to be with someone who is not going to take a bunch of abstract "rules of conduct" and apply them to me, assuming guilt before innocence, without looking at the trustworthiness I have earned.

 

So you asked in this thread if you have a problem, and I say yes, you do. It's good you're seeing this. I think your wife probably has, as you pointed out, an issue about being controlled by her abusive husband and now the pendulum may be swinging the other way. But that doesn't automatically mean she is cheating on you or having an emotional affair. Maybe she wanted someone who was a complete change from her last relationship, which made her feel constantly under someone's thumb.

 

What happened early on when you barred Steve was to start her feelings of resentment (and rebellion) snowballing. It may or may not signal an actual brewing affair, emotional or otherwise.

 

HOWEVER, HAVING SAID ALL THAT: I think there's a lot of blame to go around here, because she sounds like a vindictive type of person, where there is conflict. She plays dirty, doesn't fight fair, and is childish beyond belief. She is not respecting the fact that you have a side to this story, that this is a marriage and since she married you, your feelings deserve as much attention as hers. And if she thinks she doesn't have to go to counseling, that only shows her lack of will to work on her own issues, which are plentiful. Generally, someone who has come out of an abusive relationship without really doing some personal growth assessment and work is a walking red flag. She's done a number of things it seems to rub your insecurities in your face, and in place of real communication, uses stonewalling, which is as toxic to relationships as ultimatums. You're both desperately in need of communication skills, but I'm not sure if she's operating from a teenager's mentality (which is demonstrated by her bad-mouthing a coworker as she was doing), if there's a lot of hope for her end of it. She doesn't sound like a mature, sensitive woman, and also is acting selfishly in her conflict resolution skills. Not someone I'd choose to marry, even if we snuggled nicely together in front of Netflix and had great sex (and you did marry her even with these concerns, so that is also something that you had control over).

 

So the bottom line is, I think you really ought to look into what triggers your own insecurity and jealousy, as I think those are products of a personal lack confidence and ability to trust. They are only appropriate imo when someone's given you a reason IN THAT RELATIONSHIP ITSELF to think something has been violated. They may work well with someone who also holds those kinds of emotions as appropriate or who wants to share a life with certain social limitations governed by them. But if you want to be with a woman who enjoys a certain amount of male attention (not acted upon), flirtation in public, and has friends of the opposite sex while married, you're going to have to really learn how to separate what's a real threat vs. one that's in your own head.

 

Some men are okay with these behaviors and in fact, it may be part of a turn-on for both of them. Other men feel it's highly disrespectful. And everything in between. I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" in these cases from some universal place of judgment, just whether two people are on the same page and above all, are not deceiving one another or creating the conditions for deception. It's really downhill from there, once that happens.

 

It sounds like your wife and you still have something to salvage, so I would see a marriage counselor and if she objects to that, well, that's then all on her and she's not marriage material, because when she took vows, she vowed to work things out as a team if trouble arose.

 

Perhaps if you come out and tell her you own up to your contribution to the problem, that might break down a wall. I would do that, and see how it proceeds from there, if she is willing to reciprocate that level of accountability.

 

My apologies if there was further stuff in the thread I didn't get to that further incriminates her as having an affair -- but I was responding to some of the earlier posts and the notion that you would forbid her from Christmas shopping with a man you from the beginning created problems about, before there was evidence of a problem (and she even asked you if she could shop with him, something a cheater would really tend not to do, as building illicit liaisons are that: illicit).

[tiredofvampires]

And she did say that she would be glad when she married me so I couldn't run away as easily, I do have hot and cold moments about the way she is, but I think her 5lb of crazy in a 10 lb sack was more of a draw than anything, and she has taken all of the rope and yes she has me trussed up, so deep down as this goes on I guess their is something that I like about that.

 

And I would start the counseling with your OWN counseling for yourself. Given your emotional past (childhood issues) and the way you have sought this mess out, you need to first focus on you and get your head straight. Because no amount of marriage counseling is going to help if both people stick to their own dysfunctions, and all you have control over changing is yours. Other people's dysfunction you can only walk away from, but you have to have the will and desire to, which is predicated on cultivating your own basic healthy mindset that seeks others who are basically healthy.

 

I think you already know the answers deep down, as you seem self-aware.

[tiredofvampires]

The more I read, the more it seems that she's gone from being the abused to the abuser (and transferring all her anger towards her ex onto you). Very bad writing on the wall unless she had a deep desire to change, and usually people need a massive wake-up call for that. I don't see that in her picture.

 

Though I would not give up unless and until there has been marriage counseling. Sometimes it's just enough to see that the other person refuses to look at their @$&, and that's your cue.

[mtk2419]

Tiredofvampires, I think you have nailed it, I liked your perspective on your previous relationships, that really hit home, I am very much self aware of my issues and that has created a dymanic in this relationship that we have been fighting.

My wife holds back on things just like you use to. But deep down I need her to be open and honest, let me here those things and in time hopefully I will get used to them.

I do have a counseling session set up with someone my wife and I have seen before, solo for me this time though, maybe and hopefully wife will get involved to as she needs to.

We have communication issues, she emailed me all this stuff today which was so hateful, she has never taken any responsibility for any of these issues, but I never responded to her emails, it would have resulted in just more and more stuff that she would have thrown at me and it would have been a losing battle.

If you are going to start something with her you better be prepared to finish it, she has to win at all costs, which usually results in me backing down and saying I'm sorry, she is a master in an argument.

Today in the email she sent me she said Steve had brought in a coupon to the store that they went shopping at and wanted to know if she wanted to go out at lunch today and shop, she said no only to piss me off that I am basically not allowing her to go.

And she also brought up a previous couple friend of hers today, she is still friends with them today, they did come to our wedding, but she had a sexual relationship with them 10 years ago, she brought up the fact that I won't let her go over there and spend the night with them when I go out of town, that's way over the line to me but she thinks it's perfectly fine.

[mtk2419]

And their is a lot of blame going around, we are both dysfunctional, she has one set of boundaries and I have another one. A and now with Steve bringing in a coupon it's like he is angling for ways to spend time alone with my wife, what else would he be doing?

But my wife says I just need to trust her, and if he is attracted to her then basically it's not a problem for her because she is not attracted to him, even though he speaks her language she said, it's all very hard for me to wrap my mind around right now, I swing back and forth from wanting to say just do what you feel is right and I will trust you to just being so angry that I can't stand it.

I know she isn't cheating but I fell like I am losing something, and then I do have feelings of excitement about her spending time with another man, like I said, it' all really confusing.

[mtk2419]

And yes my wife does not act like a mature woman, more like a spoiled teenager who has to have her way no matter what. She is extremely vindictive and loves using the word karma in getting people back.

As an example we were out on our boat once, I hit a wave too hard and it bounced my wife up and when she came down it broke her plastic cup and jarred her back, now mind you she said I did that on purpose?! Really?

So when we were on our honeymoon we took a boat ride to this small island in the Caribbean to snorkel, I got all tossed around and it really hurt my back, she brought up the karma thing and thought it was funny.

I feel like I am in a no win situation with her, it's let her have her way or it's the highway for me, I am trying to be patient until I go to counseling though.

[Hazyillusions]

Okay so far, you've described her as immature, vindictive, lacking in boundaries, obviously abusive and malicious and verges on cheating constantly (if not cheats often)

Why are you with her? You married her two months ago max. WHY are you sticking this out? Imagine years of disrespect and cheating. Come on! WAKE UP.

[Hazyillusions]

Lol marrying for looks...? Good luck.

You clearly need it.

[mtk2419]

I here what you are saying hazy, I want to at least see what this next counseling session on Monday brings me, maybe my counselor will tell me that I need to walk away, or that my wife needs to come in for counseling also which I know she does. So I at least need to wait for that and see how it goes.

[Stay_home]

Usually, counseling is only effective if BOTH parties agree that there's an issue, regardless of who is it at fault.

 

Your wife sounds like she's the type of woman that is never wrong about anything. Any and everything that is wrong in the relationship is your fault. That's a defense mechanism to protect her from taking any responsibility. I hate to tell people they should walk away, but if things don't improve soon I think that may be your best option.

[HeartGoesOn]

Her age and looks are a huge draw, it is a weakness.

 

That's what's known as a "trophy wife." The general rule of thumb, is they're usually traded in for a newer model when they begin to show a bit of wear and tear. I haven't read your entire story, but I'm sure you're not husband #1, or possibly #2 either?

 

Earth calling..........

[PH Suite]

I here what you are saying hazy, I want to at least see what this next counseling session on Monday brings me, maybe my counselor will tell me that I need to walk away, or that my wife needs to come in for counseling also which I know she does. So I at least need to wait for that and see how it goes.

 

What a cheap dodge. Waiting another week, just to have a solo counselling session? YOU are not at all the problem, other than willingly being a sucker who frankly at this point deserves to be used and disrespected. You act like a chump so she treats you as one. It's that simple.

 

No counsellor tells you to walk away, they try to give you tools to make your own decision. You've already seen and suffered far more than enough. What more can a counsellor say? That scene you described on the boat on your honeymoon? You should've thrown her off the boat and been done with her then and there. Half your posts are a litany of total dea-breakers yet you persist and meantime the window to annul closes and you'll get fleeced in a divorce... if you ever grow a spine and pair of balls required to leave this woman.

 

Again, with zero self-respect you'll get none from her, Steve or anyone else. Manipulative spoiled shrews like her are created and enabled by males - I can't put you in the 'men' category - like you, and in so doing you help create a monster that ruins it for real men and real women.

 

Have some self-respect. Kick her out NOW. Annul tomorrow.