It's complicated. should I go to ex's for Thanksgiving?

[Sabby]

I shared my story not too long ago about being 7months pregnant and dumped. My ex bf basically was tired of me and my mood swings and said he didn't love me anymore and broke up with me about 2 months ago. So anyway, his mom is planning a baby shower for us and she calls me and is talking as if we're still together. For ex: "You two have come along way, I can't wait for you both to get married." "What time are you guys coming over for Thanksgiving?" "My sister is coming from Hawaii, she wants to meet her favorite nephew's girlfriend (which would be me)"

 

I don't know what to say bc I don't want to just break the bad news to her that her son dumped me. Anyway I texted him if it was ok to talk. He agreed and called me. I explained to him about his mom's ph call and asked if he had told her or anybody else about the break up. He said he didn't tell anybody. I asked why not? He said "I was just really upset at you. I didn't really mean to break up with you. Ever since you got pregnant, I'm sorry to say this, but you're too much to handle. Your attitude, you get snappy and mad easily. I figured some seperation between us would help calm things down and help you chill out." I was a little upset hearing all that, But I didn't say anything. I stayed quiet for about 5 minutes and then I asked him "did u mean it when you said you're not in love with me anymore?" He said "no I didn't. I shouldn't have told you that and I'm sorry I did. I love you, always have and always will." So then I asked "so what do you suggest we do now?" He says "let's just have the baby and see where it goes from there. I just want the rest of this pregnancy to go smoothly for us bc even though I still miss and love you, this break has helped you calm down a lot." I agreed with him bc I have noticed that limited contact with him (we've only spoke about baby for last two months) have really helped me reflect on my actions towards him. So I told him " you're right, let's just make sure the baby is fine and has a healthy delivery, before we try to get back to us." He agreed and said " see you at the next appt. I love you both." We hung up.

 

So here's the situation:

 

His mom is expecting me for Thanksgiving. He won't even be there for most of the day bc he is working, but he said that I should go bc his family wants to see me and my baby bump. He has lots of family coming over and I feel a lil awkward meeting some of them bc we aren't together. Should I go? Am I putting myself in an awkward situation?

[kbbcoop77]

Wow that's a doozy. To me it sounds like he wants to keep the peace for his families sake and to make himself not look like a douche for dumping his pregnant girlfriend. I wouldn't encourage this lie..is he going to act all lovey and snuglly in front of his family and then just say "whew glad that's over" when the last piece of pie is consumed? I'm not saying don't go, but if it were me I wouldn't lie about your current status.

[Clinton]

Politely refuse by saying that as much as you'd love to, it would be too awkward as you've just broken up.

[DoF]

NO, NEVER. Your relationship with him shoudl be limited to "child only" at this point. Nothing less and nothing more.

 

he is trying to sabotage your healing. You need time/space away from him in order to heal. Every communication with him = reset of your healing time.

 

Just the fact that you communicate is preventing you from healing completely.....

 

Keep it at CHILD only.

[mhowe]

He is lying to his entire family and you.

 

I would reply to his mother: thank you for your invitation, but as your son and I broke up 2 MONTHS ago, I would feel awkward.

[Helpexpressme]

No I don't beleive a word he told you.

 

1. - He dumped you and you have never heard from him. He only rung you because you told him too.

 

2. He dumped you because you were "too much to handle/moody" but what will happen when the baby comes, how will he handle a screaming baby/ stresses of life

 

3. He didn't tell anybody? I bet he did. Just not his mother.

 

I would not go, ring her back and explain you guys have broken up because he dumped you. No more lies to be told.

[happyfrank]

Actions speak louder than words. I have kids and this guy doesn't seem like he wants to deal with it.. He quits when it gets tough.

 

You can have postpartum depression after birth and he will dump you again..

 

When you love somebody. You don't break things. You fix it. Seems like he just wants to show good face with his parents.

[tattoobunnie]

So when the baby cries, may have colic, poops on him, gets fussy, hungry, needy, irrational, or moody, will he dump the baby too?

 

He just doesn't want to look like a tool-bag for dumping his pregnant girlfriend. If he had regret the break-up, and thought you were the love of his life, he would have been the one calling. Not the other way around. It's one thing to be abusive in a relationship, I dunno if you were, but it's another if you've been moody, clingy, and sensitive even though pre-pregnancy, you're totally normal. I'm due in a few days, and if I hubby said he couldn't take my behavior, I'd say to him, "there's the door!"

 

If you have any friends or family, enjoy Thanksgiving with them. Not with another's family who couldn't handle the fact you got snappy from time to time while you were pregnant with his child.

[mhowe]

I would also decline the baby shower from his mother. Do you really want to sit through all that with his mom and her friends/family?

[lostandhurt]

No need to stress yourself out going and putting on a show for his family.

 

Call him and tell him you have thought about it and that he needs to tell his family that you two have separated but are still committed to the health and well being of your child.

 

It is his family so he needs to break the news to them.

 

On a different note.

There is no reason to wait until the baby is born to try and work on your relationship. I strongly suggest you two go see a couples counselor to try and work out the issues in the relationship.

 

If he loves you and you love him then you both owe it to your unborn child to try your very best to work this out so your baby can have a happy healthy home.

 

If counseling shows that you two are incompatible then they can help you both learn to be great co-parents after the breakup.

 

Lost

[j.man]

If he's suggesting you two play the part for Thanksgiving and then stick with the "let's see what happens" philosophy afterward, then absolutely not.

 

But if it means a shot at the kid having both his parents in the home, I do think you two should try to reconcile if at all possible. That doesn't mean rush it for Thanksgiving. There's no reason you two shouldn't be able to spend it with your respective families, even assuming you two were still together. Spend it apart and work out something concrete afterward, no ambiguities.

 

Pregnancy is no reason to emotionally abuse your partner, and if it happened over the course of several months, he was well within his rights to remove himself. It's not an indicator he'd jump ship once the kid gave him a hard time. There's a ton of **** I'd give a 2 year old a pass for doing that I wouldn't tolerate from my girlfriend. And if that's the note we're going to play, why flip it exclusively on him? Is she going to be emotionally abusive to him every time the baby causes her stress? Be reasonable.

 

But, again, an actual plan. What he proposed isn't sufficient.

[Sabby]

Ok I'm definitely not going to join them for Thanksgiving. If I decided to go, I was only going to be there for 2 hours tops and then head to my family gathering for the remainder of the day. But after reading the advice, I feel it's best to keep things the way they are. My healing process is actually going better than I expected. I only talk to my ex about the baby, if he asks and he still attends the baby's appts. Other than that, I've left him alone. I'm busy with the preparations for baby. As for the baby shower, now I'm undecided about going. I thought I should go bc it is for the baby. Now, I don't feel I should go.

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah, I agree with J.Man...but we're not quite sure how she was exactly behaving. And there's a reason why people are forced to watch Shaken Baby Syndrome videos before they leave the hospital. You're exhausted, frustrated, or confused. Met enough people with brain damage from being shaken as a baby to know it happens, and it's not to be taken lightly. Everyone knows not to hurt a baby, but it happens all the time. It's really sad. And any little one under three is susceptible to it.

 

I mean, was she calling him names, kicking him, hitting, biting?...Or was she just asking for back rubs, wanted to know when he'd be home or what-not, and really hungry, and getting super antsy? When you are not totally positive where you stand with your loved one, and they themselves start acting weird, when you're pregnant, it does kick on the flight or fight behavior.

 

I mean, when I'm hungry, and I let my hubby know in advance, and we don't eat for another two hours, LOOK OUT! I mean, I've never been the one to burst into tears while pregnant, but hubby knows and recognizes the difference when I'm prego, and not prego. And doesn't tell me "I don't love you", and break up with me if I'm upset one day.

[tattoobunnie]

As for the baby shower, now I'm undecided about going. I thought I should go bc it is for the baby. Now, I don't feel I should go.

 

His family is your baby's family...they are throwing it for you, and no, you would not be taking advantage of them. But they should be aware that you two aren't together. Is it next month? That's enough time for him to tell them, or to have it cancelled.

[Sabby]

@ j.man: I wasn't emotionally abusive towards him. We were together for three years, everything was great. Not perfect, but we had way more great times than not. When I got pregnant, morning sickness was THE WORST! So I wasn't my usual self. First trimester, I didn't want to be bothered with anyone or anything. I couldn't even handle work so I had to quit. I just couldn't believe how much the pregnancy was taking a toll on me. I became emotional and cried over small things. Even movies. It was ridiculous. Sometimes he couldn't make it to hang out with me which got me mad. But I'd see him elsewhere through our mutual friends social media. So I'd confront him and tell him that he's not there for me. Always busy with other things. Etc. I guess he just didn't know how to handle this new me. I guess I scared him off. So he backed out of the relarionship. I believe that even though I have changed in some ways since being pregnant, I didn't really feel like we should've resorted to a breakup. But then again, things happen for a reason and I'm just trying to move on with my life. I don't want to let this get me down.

[Sabby]

His family is your baby's family...they are throwing it for you, and no, you would not be taking advantage of them. But they should be aware that you two aren't together. Is it next month? That's enough time for him to tell them, or to have it cancelled.

 

The baby shower is in January. I'm due in Feb. I still felt the need to go bc this is my ex's first child, and his families first grandchild. This is my 3rd child. So I still felt like I should go, even after we broke up. I do feel embarrassed to go around bc we're not together, but then it's not about me, it's for the baby. Now, I'm not sure if that's a good idea bc his parents are the type to sit us down and talk to us about how we should work on being a family, once they find out we're broken up. I have two children from a previous relationship and his parents sat us down before and mostly talked to him about how I am not alone and I come with children and he needs to remember they come first before he does. So I'm sure they will talk to us about breaking up bc they wouldn't want their grandchild to be raised in seperate homes. I just want to avoid any awkward situations.

[mhowe]

How old is your ex. It sounds like they treat him like a child.

[tattoobunnie]

You can't avoid any awkward situations...you're already in one! Just because they want to talk to you about it, doesn't mean you have to. You can politely say, "we would like the time and opportunity to figure this out on our own. In the meantime, you will are still family to my baby, and I welcome your visits and kindness with the baby."

[mhowe]

If you quit your job, how are you supporting g yourself and your other two kids?

[Sabby]

If you quit your job, how are you supporting g yourself and your other two kids?

 

I asked my boss to please give me some time off bc I couldn't handle the morning sickness. He gave me the ok. When the morning sickness subsided, I asked to come back to work and they accepted me back. I only took of the first 2months of my pregnancy. I have an emergency savings so I dipped in to that those 2 months, plus my ex always gives me money. Even before I became pregnant with his child. I declined in the beginning of our relationship, but then he'd tx me Saying go check your glove compartment, take the girls out somewhere nice with that or I left some money in your drawer. Now, after our baby appts, he says goodbye and quickly stuffs $100 in my shirt and walks away before I can say no. So I just put whatever he gives me in a piggy bank for our son.

[Sabby]

How old is your ex. It sounds like they treat him like a child.

 

He is 24yrs old. I am 27yrs old. His parents still look at him as their baby I guess. But they have never came between us or tried to control what he does in his personal life. They're a really close family. They still have family talks.

[Sabby]

You can't avoid any awkward situations...you're already in one! Just because they want to talk to you about it, doesn't mean you have to. You can politely say, "we would like the time and opportunity to figure this out on our own. In the meantime, you will are still family to my baby, and I welcome your visits and kindness with the baby."

 

That's a respectful way to decline any talk. I really couldn't think of a better way to say no. Thank you for your help

[Dottieflanogon]

Ok I'm definitely not going to join them for Thanksgiving. If I decided to go, I was only going to be there for 2 hours tops and then head to my family gathering for the remainder of the day. But after reading the advice, I feel it's best to keep things the way they are. My healing process is actually going better than I expected. I only talk to my ex about the baby, if he asks and he still attends the baby's appts. Other than that, I've left him alone. I'm busy with the preparations for baby. As for the baby shower, now I'm undecided about going. I thought I should go bc it is for the baby. Now, I don't feel I should go.

 

I don't think the situation would turn out positive, so no I wouldn't go

[lostandhurt]

When you don't show at Thanksgiving he will have to explain to the family why you aren't there so by the time the shower comes around the cat should have been out of the bag for some time.

If you get along with them well going to the shower once they know you are split up may be easier since you won't be deceiving them. Thanksgiving then Christmas will have come and gone so I can't imagine he can stall them and not tell his mom you two are not together.

 

I bet when she finds out she will call you and still want to throw a shower for the baby. Who knows maybe he will pull his head out and try and work things out by then.

 

Lost