For those wanting to reconcile I ask, WHY??????

[Clinton]

So you’ve been dumped. And you’re heartbroken and you want them back. No matter what it takes, no matter the personal cost to you, as long as they come back everything will be OK.

 

But think about that for a minute. They DUMPED you. Why exactly was that? Did you cheat? Are you a bad person? An alcoholic? A drug abuser? Violent? A compulsive liar? Unwilling to commit?

 

None of those? What was it then? You just didn’t meet their needs somehow, they’d somehow lost attraction for you. Maybe you weren’t motivated enough, not the President of Microsoft yet, Not affectionate enough, Not something.

 

So how do you fix that? You don’t. You are you, warts and all. Your basic personality isn’t going to change, and let’s face it, that’s what they didn’t like and that’s why they dumped you. And why should you change? You were content with yourself before you were dumped. Does one persons opinion really validate the need to make major shifts in who you are and how you live? Yes, I get that improving yourself is always a positive. But we’re not really talking about that here. We’re talking about shifting who you are in response to one person’s assessment of your worth as a partner.

 

Love is hard enough to make work when two people are running toward each other through the meadow screaming I love you. But when one partner is running in the opposite direction and you have to chase them down, well I think we all know how that ends.

 

So what do you do? Accept it’s over and move on with your life. Try and reach the goals that are important to you. Take some time to heal and then go out and try and find someone who is comfortable with you. Someone who is content to love you and let you be you instead of trying to mold you into someone you’re not.

 

Now I realise that if you’ve just been dumped you won’t follow this advice. You will try everything under the sun to get them back. You’ll try and change your body, your personality, your job, your hobbies, your friends, just about anything.

 

But when all of that fails, just think of this. They didn’t want you, the essential you. It’s not a judgement on the person you are, it’s just that you didn’t really fit together and never would have. You aren’t a bad person and to be honest, in all likelihood, neither are they. And by ending it, they’ve provided you with an opportunity to find someone else who is actually a real fit for you.

 

Because do you really want to go through life with someone who doesn’t think you’re good enough and that doesn’t have your back?

[Helpexpressme]

I think it's more than that.

 

If you get "dumped", it could be over anything. And usually some reasons can be fixed.

 

For example. If the dumpee was a douche, lazy, constantly did things that the dumper didn't like. They can be fixed. etc etc etc

 

What your talking about is getting dumped for being "you" which isn't always the case.

[melancholy123]

Well said Clinton. There's so many people on here who are just desperate to get back the person who dumped them. They whine, cry, beg, carry on like children thinking their life is over because that person didn't like them for whatever reason. I feel sorry for those who desperately carry on that way. Never mind how unbecoming it is, what makes them think they can get the person back into their life and carry on like all is fine, when it isn't?

 

Getting dumped happens. It's not the end of the world. It means you were not compatible with the dumper. You can't get along with everyone such as workmates, classmates, family members, neighbours. That's just how people are, some you get along with, some you dont. So you eliminate those you dont get along with and look for those who you can get along with. Life is hard enough without clinging desperately to those who dont like or want you, hoping for a different outcome.

[browneyedgirl36]

I ask myself this all the time when I read posts here.

 

Then, I recall how badly I wanted one of MY exes back -- the one who is the reason I came to ENA to begin with back in 2007 (!) It wasn't about him -- he treated me poorly a lot of the time, and all signs pointed to him not seeing any kind of future with me whatsoever. He was hot and cold, indifferent a lot of the time, said some pretty mean things to me, and, more often than not, made me feel disposable (or at least that HE found me disposable). Why did I keep hanging around then, hoping he'd change his mind? Low self-esteem. I had been programmed since childhood (I was bullied pretty severely when I was a kid, all the way into high school) to see myself as "unworthy," to believe that I was unlovable, undesirable, etc. I think rejection just felt natural to me -- almost comfortable in a way because it was so familiar. I think I hung onto my ex for two reasons -- which seem as though they contradict each other, but they're really part of the same over-arching reason (the self-esteem thing): 1) I thought that if I could just be "good enough," I could "win him over," and that would prove that I was worthy; 2) His repeated rejection just confirmed what I already *knew* about myself -- that I was unworthy. These two things seem contradictory, in a way, but they worked together to keep me stuck for a LONG time. It took me years to change my thinking about myself -- YEARS of hard work, including some therapy, but a lot of stuff I did on my own, too -- to change how I saw myself. Once I did, I couldn't even fathom wanting my ex back, and now I look at him (we work together, so I see him a few days a week) and I think, "What was I thinking?????" He was all wrong for me from the start, and I think knew it even back then, but I was so mired in negative thinking about myself that I didn't do anything about it.

 

I know this isn't true for everyone, but...I would say the VAST majority of people who are pining away for an ex, especially an ex who was abusive, a jerk, totally incompatible, etc., aren't pining away and wanting the ex back because they REALLY want him or her back -- they do it because deep down, they don't believe they deserve -- and can ever get -- anything better. Whenever I see a post from a guy or gal who has obviously been badly mistreated by an ex, or coldly shut out, or the relationship was just toxic or otherwise really, really broken and that person is desperate to get that ex back, my first question to him or her is always, "Why don't you think you deserve better?" I believe that the vast majority of people who hang on to exes who are bad for them do so for reasons having little or nothing to do with the ex, and everything to do with themselves.

 

I think ego has a lot to do with it in many cases, too. No one likes rejection, but for some people, rejection is the worst thing that can possibly happen to them, and they're desperate to "fix" the situation so that the ego can feel vindicated.

 

Anyway, just my thoughts. I WAS that person wanting a bad-for-me ex back, at one time, and I look back on it now and cringe. Thankfully, I have totally moved on, and I've met probably the best guy I've ever met in my life. I couldn't have done that until I totally let go -- not just of my ex, but of all the distorted thinking that kept me tied to him for so long.

[Mischa234]

I think this oversimplifies the countless reasons people choose to end relationships... And honestly, I don't know anyone in a long term relationship who hasn't at least *considered* breaking up. Sometimes people do break up and get back together... actually it happens often, but it depends on the couple, the reasons, the dynamics.

 

It's a lot more complex than anything you could accomplish with your question...

 

So unfortunately, I can't answer you on that.

 

But yes, there are definitely some people who want to be accepted despite having been recently rejected and standing no chance. Rejection is hard. But it isn't always final. Ask anyone who has built a steady career in film, television, modelling etc.

[putawetsuiton]

you want them back because you've seen it happen. people do get their exes back. I've done it before, in my experience the relationship can suck even more once you get back together, especially if you've allowed yourself to take the full brunt of the blame for the previous relationship failings. But I believe that every relationship is different and that it is completely possible for two people to find themselves back together and for the long hall, as long as both people take responsibility for went wrong previously and learn from it, and the dumpee does not feel resentment or insecurity as result of the breakup, or maybe the dumper can reassure the dumpee successfully that they aren't leaving anytime soon. I think it can work again? even without all that- some people are just meant to be! even those who are grovelling and pining right now sometimes get them back! it happens! that's the beauty of chance

[BeHeard]

I think it's presumptuous to assume that everybody is a desperate being who lacks any ability to move on. Also, the finding someone that is great "right out of the box" or that will TRULY accept you for who you are, is a tall order. I think it's a combination of both scenarios.

 

As mentioned, every relationship has a different dynamic and comes from different biologies, environmental influences, and behavioral experiences that has shaped them. One person's process is certainly not another's process. Additionally, I don't feel that males and females process break ups the same way.

 

As for me, if I had dated somebody online for a year and it didn't work out, I pretty much could fully accept that and walk away. However, my XBF was one of my best friends (literally, him and two girlfriends was my circle of "BEST friends") and it was for 10 years. 10 years of telling one another our deepest secrets and fears as friends. Supporting each other when needed in the worst of times. Then it happens that we tried a relationship for 1 year. There were several outside influences (pending divorce, depression, bankruptcy) that affected the dynamic. So I suppose because of that and a 10 year history, we are to shut the door and walk away from it all.

 

Not really how I like to do things. This person continues to have worth and value from the 10 years that we were friends, and 1 year of hell shouldn't erase that.

 

Of course, I do read stories on here and truly wonder why they would get into a relationship like that, much less why would they want to get BACK into it? Who knows. May be what they lacked emotionally in their past or any variety of psychological reasons.

 

By the way Clinton, there must be SOME reason why the courts insist on a separation period prior to a divorce. There ARE people who use the time correctly and end up reconciling. I've seen it, and they have gone on to have better relationships than they originally had.

 

Bottom line. We are just a bunch of imperfect, unknowing molecules bumping up against each other in this thing called "Life" while we figure it out.

[Realitynut]

Also (as one who is pining) you long for the days when you first fell in love. The guy I'm pining for isn't anything on paper....didn't like him (physically) when we met. No chemistry for me ( I guess there was for him!) But once we got to know each other as 'friends'...he made me laugh. we never fought. He was trying to win me over. For 10 months. Long story...but once he had me....and then I became different (as relationships/sex) sometimes cause us to become more emotionally involved...he pulled away. I mean the second we had sex...pulled away. Weird. Then this hot/cold thing for another year. Kept breaking up with me....then after a week or two, he'd be back. Once I started seeing another guy...after a month...he now LOVED me. This last time, he said he didn't want to lose his best friend, and begged me to come back. (I had started to 'talk' to a guy in our group) He wanted a real relationship that would last forever. Now 3 months later...kaput.

 

The thing is....we were both damaged. He's almost 60 and I am going to be 61. It's not like we got a ton of options out there for us! I have met at least 40 men on the dating sites, since the fiance' that cheated on me while planning our wedding brought me to ena. I liked very few. This guy made me laugh....and the best part? HE LIKED ME! We had fun together. We enjoyed the same things. We 'got' each other.

 

But he also didn't like ANY drama. Even tho he did his FULL share of it, he blamed me for it. I told him I had borderline tendencies right from the start. But the week before he ended it with me...(this last time) I showed him what it was all about on the internet...to help him understand me more.

 

Yep. He threw it right back in my face the next week. Now when he was able to end things....he was able to blame me! It wasn't that he was a a$$hole, like he said the last time he came back. Now I was.

 

Also...the low self-esteem thing. Yep on that too. My parents thought raising you not to be conceited...or thing too highly of yourself...was a good thing. Be humble. Then this BPD thing...wow...really makes you feel unworthy of any love. No matter how high you try.

 

Sorry for the rant...woke up this morning depressed and feeling sorry for myself! ugh

 

Anyway, the reason I feel people want to get back with each other, is remembering the 'good' times. Of course there were good times or you would never have fallen in love. You keep going back...hoping to recreate that. But it seldom happens. The blame game starts. Feelings get hurt. Anger and resentment appear. And forgiveness goes out the window.

 

I have VERY seldom dumped a guy. Never a guy I was in love with. But when I was over them...let me tell you...I was OVER them. Once my feelings ended...I wasn't getting them back. I think many times...boy...is that how they feel about me? And here I am throwing my body at them? How disgusting...and pathetic.

 

So what Clinton said, is very true. And Browneyed girl too. In it's most simplified terms...it's wanting back...what you once had. The memory of what was....and the dreams that you thought were to come. Hard to let that go.

[SpottiOtti]

You were content with yourself before you were dumped.

 

I think a lot of people are NOT content with themselves, either before a relationship or during. I think if a person derives their sense of self-worth from how lovable someone else finds them, they will always want the dumper back, because when they are dumped, the message they get is "I am worthless", and if the dumper were to take them back, they'd feel like that message is invalidated and they are worthy again.

 

Or, if a person is dumped for some dastardly deed, their sense of self is threatened - they have to face what they've done and reconcile it with whatever their self-image was, and most people generally like to view themselves as "good" people. If the dumper takes them back, they can assuage their own guilt and avoid looking too closely at themselves. If the dumper takes them back, then what they did couldn't have been *that bad*, so they can't be *that bad* of a person, can they?

[Movingforward3]

It is the dream that's hard to give up. I was supposed to be planning our engagement/wedding and for children, instead I am trying to figure how to let her go. I have been around the block a few times, so I definitely didn't come across needy or desperate. Did I reach out and did I try to reconcile in the best way I could? Yes. Because I love her. And that's the other part that's hard. I don't understand how this doesn't her tear up inside like me. How she could let everything go? And that's the other problem, I don't understand how this all changed. And maybe my perception is colored by my feelings. She made me believe in the dream of us and that's what I have a hard time trying to escape.

[Dottieflanogon]

With the right circumstances, i don't see why not.Let's say I had a LDR. financial problems or whatnot and the only reason we broke up was because we couldn't see eachother, if later in life you happened to move next to one-another to try again, then yeah.

 

But i wouldn't try again with someone i obviously tried and didn't work because the old issues that influence the break up will just resurface

[ParisPaulette]

Because often times, at least in the beginning and sometimes longer, it's just hard to accept that the love you thought would be there forever simply isn't. Or that the person you thought you loved was a fake. Or that your fantasies and dreams about the relationship simply did not pan out. Or that you can't get your heart to shut off as quickly as your mind and while you know you should be out there throwing a party for escaping a bad relationship your heart is still in there making you miserable screaming, "I want what I want, F you!"

 

That's not even factoring in the socio-economic and childhood factors that might play their part or the involvement of children, businesses, houses, lifestyles.

 

And in time most of us do realize we don't want to be with that person after all, but it takes time and a whole lot of learning to love yourself and believe you deserve better. I do always feel bad for those who are suffering through a breakup right now and yes sometimes I am impatient with them. How do they not see what the rest of the world and all of us do? Why do they even need to ask or want to get back with the person who hurt them?

 

And then I remember I've been in those exact same shoes and man those shoes hurt and they are a B to get off your feet. It takes some pretty hard resiliency and build up of self-esteem to be able to say, "You don't want me? Fine, I don't want you either, moving on." And that comes with age and experience and just learning what doesn't kill you makes you stronger indeed.

 

It's a rough spot to be in no matter what. And yeah, you will often figure out over time that no you don't really want that person back. But hope often dies last, stupid lovely ignorant hope is why people want an ex back. Plus yeah, there's kind of a same reaction as an addict coming off a high for some people too. And browneyedgirl hit the nail on the head too that if you have esteem issues (or abuse in your past too) sometimes toxicity is what you know and understand.

 

My point is there are many reasons one wants an ex back, none of them really making any sense but then when has love ever done that? All we can all do is heal and move on and help each other out with it wherever possible.

[Realitynut]

As always...PP nailed it! These last 2 breakups of mine (going through another....with the same guy for the last 2 years!) feels so much like I was addicted. Addicted to love....the highs were great. But there were those damn lows. Add in BPD....and it makes it even worse! ugh. I'm getting too old for all of this....

[ladystardust]

My ex broke up with me over a month ago ... currently on Day 10 of NC, and it would have been a lot more than that except that I had to ask him to pay me back money that he owes me.

I've accepted the break-up now, and I'm not sad anymore ... I wouldn't say I'm "over it" though; I'm still hurt and confused and honestly if he came back (which I don't see as likely at this point) I would find it hard to say no to him.

I'm 32, almost 33, and he was the first boyfriend that actually treated me well, that I was actually HAPPY with. I thought he was "the One." He said he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. He was a bit cold/distant the last few weeks we were together before he broke up with me with no explanation ... I should have seen it coming, but I didn't.

I think the hard part for me, if I had a chance to get back together with him, would be that I can honestly say he is the best guy I've ever dated and I don't know if I'll ever find that kind of love or happiness again with another guy. And I don't know what happened ... we were happy for most of our relationship and I don't understand fully what went wrong.

The other part, and I admit this is a bit pathetic, is being almost-33 and single again ... having to wait to find another guy and get close enough to consider marriage and family ... I want to get married and have kids, but I don't have that many child-bearing years left. So, in saying goodbye to my ex, I also have to (possibly) say goodbye to that dream of us being a family together and have kids. It took me 31 years to find him; maybe I will never find anyone else that I can be that happy with. But I've accepted it and I know that things will happen as they are meant to happen. If I never have children, I can still have a happy and fulfilling life. On that note, I would also be hesitant to take him back for the same reason; I already wasted one of my final child-bearing years on him and he left ... why would I waste any more on him when he could disappear from my life so easily?

[Batya33]

I triggered the break up but then he rejected the idea of giving things another chance. 7 years and 8 months later we got back together. Over that time period we both changed a lot and in ways that complemented each other. And, since we were long distance for part of this second chance, it helped a lot that we knew each other so well already (yes despite having made the changes we did). When we ended things I never thought we'd get back together, ever, so maybe it helped that I didn't spend years pining away for him (I don't think he did for me either- we both moved on to other serious relationships).

 

On the other hand I dated someone for 7 years on and off and we would get back together fairly quickly only to face the same issues again. That was hard and I wish for both of our sakes we had ended things a lot sooner. He is happily married now (ironically, we each got married in the same year).

[lilygirl]

I agree with much of what Clinton wrote, however, it is very practical wisdom, and often when we are in the thick of heartbreak and whatever that entails for each of us, practical advice/knowledge is not very accessible.

[SeanCages]

Get your head out of the sewer.