She isn't the one but all I have

[jt15]

Hey guys and girls,

 

I really need some advice!

I'm 21 years old and have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. I have a great girlfriend, she's extremely loyal, funny, pretty and pretty much everything a man wants in a woman. She's the only girl I've ever been with and we've experienced a lot together. During the past 4 years, I lost touch with almost all my friends do to the fact that I spent so much time with my girlfriend. I see these friends every once in a while but they aren't great friends and they've shown that they aren't really interested in staying in touch. Anyways, despite me having such a great woman in my life I feel like there isn't really a strong chemical connection between us and that she isn't really my soulmate. I definitely have feelings for her but these are more feelings that kinda evolved over time and not really true love. Since I've never been with anyone else, I oftentimes wonder what a different relationship would be like or what it's like to sleep with other women. I feel like my current relationship never really revolved around love but more around attraction and we built on that, which may have been a mistake. I know a lot of guys would want what I have but I can't stop thinking about other women. This may sound extremely ungrateful and like a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side' but as long as I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend I feel like I'm missing out on something. I'm not the cheating type either.

 

Anyways I'm afraid of breaking up with her because I don't have any good friends who would help me get through it or hang out with me on the weekends. As mentioned above this girl is all I have. I spend all my weekends with her and if she isn't in my love anymore I won't really have a social life anymore either. I feel like I'd get extremely depressed if I broke up with her and wouldn't have anything to distract me but on the other side, I know I want to experience other relationships and have contact with other women as well.

 

So summarized: I have a great woman in my life who really loves me and she's all I have. However I don't think she's the perfect one for me and want to experience more. However since she's all I have, I would be completely alone if I broke up with her. Does anyone have any advice? I'd be extremely grateful!

 

Thanks in advance!

[melancholy123]

I think you feel the way you do because you have grown a lot in the last 4 years, you are still really young and discovering yourself and what you want and dont want.

 

I doubt you are truly alone other than for her. You've outgrown her and feel like it's time to move on. That's not a bad thing. Do you have a job or go to school? Surely there are people in either capacity that you like and get along with and could be there for you. You shouldn't stick with someone you dont care about anymore, it's time to spread your wings and move on. She may well feel the same but doesnt want to say so.

[SpottiOtti]

Have you considered that part of the reason you might be going stir-crazy is because you don't really have a life outside of her? Perhaps if you had a more balanced relationship, with time spent with friends and family as well as your SO, you'd have some perspective. If you aren't ready to take the drastic step of breaking up with her, developing a social circle outside of your relationship might be a good halfway measure.

 

But yes, eventually you are going to have to bite the bullet and accept that you have to make hard decisions that are painful and that make you feel like crap for awhile. It's part of life. The sooner you accept that you are just going to have to go through a painful time to get to something that makes you feel happier in the long run, the sooner you can move forward.

[Helpexpressme]

It's a tough call.

 

But being alone might sting for awhile, but you will get used to it. It will feel totally weird, but it must be done. Somewhere along the line you will re-connect with people who you can hang with like maybe co-workers, family members, anybody really. No point hanging onto your girlfriend if the feeling has gone.

[DoF]

Hey guys and girls,

 

I really need some advice!

I'm 21 years old and have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. I have a great girlfriend, she's extremely loyal, funny, pretty and pretty much everything a man wants in a woman. She's the only girl I've ever been with and we've experienced a lot together. During the past 4 years, I lost touch with almost all my friends do to the fact that I spent so much time with my girlfriend. I see these friends every once in a while but they aren't great friends and they've shown that they aren't really interested in staying in touch.

 

Completely normal, welcome to adulthood

 

Anyways, despite me having such a great woman in my life I feel like there isn't really a strong chemical connection between us and that she isn't really my soulmate. I definitely have feelings for her but these are more feelings that kinda evolved over time and not really true love. Since I've never been with anyone else, I oftentimes wonder what a different relationship would be like or what it's like to sleep with other women. I feel like my current relationship never really revolved around love but more around attraction and we built on that, which may have been a mistake. I know a lot of guys would want what I have but I can't stop thinking about other women. This may sound extremely ungrateful and like a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side' but as long as I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend I feel like I'm missing out on something. I'm not the cheating type either.

 

Completely normal for your age. You need to learn to manage your thoughts. We ALL get these thoughts, that is out of our control. What we do with those thoughts is what matters. Currently you are at a stage of "dwelling" on them, up next, if you don't change....you will act.

 

You have a obligation to your loved one. So put your thoughts in line with that. When thoughts like that come up, change your mind/divert your mind to something you like/enjoy.

 

You see, there are 2 choices when it comes to managing thoughts. Choice #1 = dwelling, thinking, growing the thoughts, fantasying etc. Choice #2 = STOP thinking about it, change to think about something else.

 

In time, when and if you practice it, the thoughts will disappear as fast as they come up!!! And you will quickly find that it's one of the most powerful tools humans have build in!!! For EVERYTHING in life too!

 

Anyways I'm afraid of breaking up with her because I don't have any good friends who would help me get through it or hang out with me on the weekends. As mentioned above this girl is all I have. I spend all my weekends with her and if she isn't in my love anymore I won't really have a social life anymore either. I feel like I'd get extremely depressed if I broke up with her and wouldn't have anything to distract me but on the other side, I know I want to experience other relationships and have contact with other women as well.

 

So summarized: I have a great woman in my life who really loves me and she's all I have. However I don't think she's the perfect one for me and want to experience more. However since she's all I have, I would be completely alone if I broke up with her. Does anyone have any advice? I'd be extremely grateful!

 

Thanks in advance!

 

In bold is your YOUTH talking.

 

I think you would be making a HUGE mistake by letting go of this woman. When you have something special in life, hold onto it.

 

But it's your call, if you want to experience other women, be my guest. But be prepared to be DEEPLY disappointed. Great woman are HARD to find and 1 in a million!

 

What you are dealing with here is a typical case of 80/20 relationship rule. Look it up, you will understand.

 

As for your "feelings". Love is what you make it, currently you are tricking yourself (with your thoughts) to justify you future actions (which is banging other girls).

 

This is your PENIS doing the work of thinking FOR YOU (again, typical at your age). What you need to do is THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN. Never EVER think with your penis, or even your heart. Think with your brain.

 

I would suggest you focus on being the best boyfriend you can be right now and show your girl how great you are. If you continue down this path, you WILL end up cheating and start a spinning cycle that will only have a bad ending for YOU and your girl.

 

So whatever you decide, break up with your girl and DO NOT cheat on her. That would be the worst thing you can possibly do.

 

And since you are young, I suggest you educate yourself on relationships in general as well. 5 love languages is a great start. Study it and read it few times (heck your girl should too)

 

Also, you need a HOBBY of some kind. Go play sports and mix things up a bit. TODAY, your life is all about WOMEN (it seems). That's a bit extreme, mix things up, life is what you make it.

[Hollyj]

You're not going to break up because you do not have anyone to help you through it. Can I say selfish.

 

Don't you think it might be time to think about how unfair it is to her, by stinging her along. If you don't have feelings, then break up. Time to put your big boy pants on, and end it.

 

Also, never make your partner your entire life. Not healthy!

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you feel the way you do because you have grown a lot in the last 4 years, you are still really young and discovering yourself and what you want and dont want.

 

I doubt you are truly alone other than for her. You've outgrown her and feel like it's time to move on. That's not a bad thing. Do you have a job or go to school? Surely there are people in either capacity that you like and get along with and could be there for you. You shouldn't stick with someone you dont care about anymore, it's time to spread your wings and move on. She may well feel the same but doesnt want to say so.

 

Yep -- I outgrew my first significant relationship -- we met when I was 15 and he was 16. By the time we graduated high school, I already kind of knew it wasn't meant to be. When we got into college, and went to separate universities, we kept the relationship going, but college only kept me on a path to growth and change, and by the time I was 20, I knew for sure the relationship had run its course. I tried to break up with him once, and he got hysterical (literally), so I told him I was confused and didn't know what I was doing. About a year later, when I was so miserable I could hardly stand it, I broke up with him for good. It was awful -- he got hysterical again -- but this time I held my ground. I had never cheated on him, never done anything to compromise our relationships, and I didn't break up with him just so I could date other people, but I needed to be free and explore life as an adult, on my own for the first time. Twenty-five years later, that ex and I are friends, e-mailing a few times a month (he lives far away). It took him awhile to move on, by his own admission, but he did, and it was fine. We both grew up and grew into good people with good lives.

 

You're young, and you've grown a lot in the past few years, and you'll continue to grow and change. Life is all about change. If you need to let her go to do that, then you should. Don't hang on out of obligation or fear of loneliness. It's a big world out there, full of opportunities and experiences waiting to be had.

[DoF]

Yep -- I outgrew my first significant relationship -- we met when I was 15 and he was 16. By the time we graduated high school, I already kind of knew it wasn't meant to be. When we got into college, and went to separate universities, we kept the relationship going, but college only kept me on a path to growth and change, and by the time I was 20, I knew for sure the relationship had run its course. I tried to break up with him once, and he got hysterical (literally), so I told him I was confused and didn't know what I was doing. About a year later, when I was so miserable I could hardly stand it, I broke up with him for good. It was awful -- he got hysterical again -- but this time I held my ground. I had never cheated on him, never done anything to compromise our relationships, and I didn't break up with him just so I could date other people, but I needed to be free and explore life as an adult, on my own for the first time. Twenty-five years later, that ex and I are friends, e-mailing a few times a month (he lives far away). It took him awhile to move on, by his own admission, but he did, and it was fine. We both grew up and grew into good people with good lives.

 

All of this is due to distance, not growing apart etc.

 

You're young, and you've grown a lot in the past few years, and you'll continue to grow and change. Life is all about change. If you need to let her go to do that, then you should. Don't hang on out of obligation or fear of loneliness. It's a big world out there, full of opportunities and experiences waiting to be had.

 

Although I do consider myself an exception to the rule, I don't agree with above.

 

You CAN grow together, change and still be in a relationship. My relationship is evidence of that, together since 16.....mind you, it's not easy and LOTS of hard work. But what isn't?

 

I do agree that it's not right and unfair for OP to stick around his girl friend due to longliness.

 

I just don't believe that he really feels that way. I've been in his shoes. When we allow our thoughts to take over and dwell on them, THEY BECOME REALITY and we end up making all kinds of excuses to withdraw/end the relationship.

 

He is simply justifying his future actions that his penis wants to take.

 

IMO, it's a huge mistake. As I said before, when you find a great woman, hold on to her....there isn't many around (same goes for men)

 

Also, go ahead and play around if you want OP, in time you will quickly realize how old it gets and I also have a feeling you will also realize that "Sex without feelings" is extremely unappealing and worthless........I won't even get into the drama and problems you will have to deal with.....I've seen MANY young kids go thru it. Heck, I still see many ADULTS go thru it.

 

But hey, whatever floats their boat. We all have different desires/wants in life. If you want to bang away chicks, go nuts.

[browneyedgirl36]

All of this is due to distance, not growing apart etc.

 

 

 

Although I do consider myself an exception to the rule, I don't agree with above.

 

You CAN grow together, change and still be in a relationship. My relationship is evidence of that, together since 16.....mind you, it's not easy and LOTS of hard work. But what isn't?

 

I do agree that it's not right and unfair for OP to stick around his girl friend due to longliness.

 

I just don't believe that he really feels that way. I've been in his shoes. When we allow our thoughts to take over and dwell on them, THEY BECOME REALITY and we end up making all kinds of excuses to withdraw/end the relationship.

 

He is simply justifying his future actions that his penis wants to take.

 

IMO, it's a huge mistake. As I said before, when you find a great woman, hold on to her....there isn't many around (same goes for men)

 

Also, go ahead and play around if you want OP, in time you will quickly realize how old it gets and I also have a feeling you will also realize that "Sex without feelings" is extremely unappealing and worthless........I won't even get into the drama and problems you will have to deal with.....I've seen MANY young kids go thru it. Heck, I still see many ADULTS go thru it.

 

But hey, whatever floats their boat. We all have different desires/wants in life. If you want to bang away chicks, go nuts.

 

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree. I am someone who believes in love, and I don't believe in dumping someone at the first sign of discontent, by any means. (Abuse, yes, discontent, no.) As I stated in my post, I already knew, BEFORE I moved away for college, that my first boyfriend wasn't "the one" and that it wasn't forever. College, and growing up significantly during that first couple of years (on my own for the first time, taking care of myself, paying bills, taking on responsibilities, etc.) was a huge growth experience for me. I did not break up with my boyfriend to date someone else. I was not even looking at other guys, but I also didn't tell myself that I would *never* find a great guy again. I truly believe there ARE a lot of good men and women out there; it's just the bad ones that get all the notice -- those are the ones that stand out and that we pay the most mind to. So while it can be difficult to find a good, healthy relationship with a good, healthy person, it's definitely not impossible.

 

I will also add that, when I told a few of my friends I was planning to break up with my first boyfriend, they said, "Well, what if you realize you made a mistake later and you can't get him back????" My response was, "Well, then that's a mistake I will have to live with for the rest of my life -- I will own up to it and take responsibility for it." The thing is, it wasn't a mistake -- for me OR for him -- we weren't suited to each other for the long-term. I've never regretted my decision. The only thing that I regret was hurting him at the time. I felt terrible about it, and the thought of hurting him badly was the ONLY thing keeping me from breaking up with him -- that's why it took me so long. He actually told me recently that I did him a huge favor. He said something to the effect of "I was stagnant. I had a TON of growing up to do, and I wasn't doing it. When our relationship ended, I had to do that." He is now happily married to someone else, and I, though it took me years to find the right guy, have finally found him.

 

I guess my point is that, if the OP is feeling this way, he shouldn't string this girl along, but rather, he should break things off now and let her be free to find someone who wants to commit to her. If he makes a mistake, he'll have to live with it. We all have to own our mistakes and live with whatever the repercussions ensue from our actions.

[jobelle]

Having few friends is no excuse to hold on to a relationship that doesn't make you happy and more importantly to string this poor girl along.

 

Ending this relationship will not get easier with time so I suggest you do it now. Also, if you stay you will very likely end up cheating on this girl and making things 1000x worse for everyone involved.

 

Take if from someone who has been in the exact same situation as you.

 

P.S. You will make new friends.

[TMifune]

I definitely have feelings for her but these are more feelings that kinda evolved over time and not really true love.

 

The actual phrase "I have no idea what love is" is probably the only way that you could communicate more directly that you, in fact, have no idea what love is. Love isn't oxytocin and chemical attraction. That's lust. That's infatuation. And you know what, compared to love they're both cheap! And what's worse is you then immediately say your relationship was built on the things you just previously said it didn't have?

 

There's no such thing as a "soulmate" or the "perfect person" for you. The person that you choose to be committed to is the person that's "the one".

 

If you don't feel like you can stay committed, then you need to end the relationship before you cheat on her, but I'd recommend that you go talk to a professional of some sort before you act.

[TMifune]

I already knew, BEFORE I moved away for college, that my first boyfriend wasn't "the one" and that it wasn't forever.

 

Statement's like this always intrigue me. It reminds me of the chicken and the egg. Was it clear he wasn't "the one" as some external sign, or did you decide he wasn't the one and therefore he became "not the one". To me, the one is a choice that both people make...Making that choice, being committed to each other is what makes those people each other's "one". So it's hard for me to separate out the decision that they're not the one. It's like deciding they're not "the one" is the thing that makes them not the one.

 

I felt terrible about it, and the thought of hurting him badly was the ONLY thing keeping me from breaking up with him -- that's why it took me so long. He actually told me recently that I did him a huge favor. He said something to the effect of "I was stagnant. I had a TON of growing up to do, and I wasn't doing it. When our relationship ended, I had to do that." He is now happily married to someone else, and I, though it took me years to find the right guy, have finally found him.

 

I'm glad everything worked out in the long run. I just find it frustrating that so many people think that the "ends justify the means". Like if I cheat on my wife and she finds a great guy who treats her really well, I can't come back 10 years later and say that I did the right thing because ultimately things worked out. And I'm not saying you did the wrong or the right thing, I couldn't possibly know. I just mean that a decision needs to be made based on the information available at the time. The ultimate outcome does nothing to really justify the decision itself. Perhaps a little philosophical for some, but I think it's an important distinction to make.

 

I guess my point is that, if the OP is feeling this way, he shouldn't string this girl along, but rather, he should break things off now and let her be free to find someone who wants to commit to her. If he makes a mistake, he'll have to live with it. We all have to own our mistakes and live with whatever the repercussions ensue from our actions.

 

I completely agree that nobody should be strung along. What can be talked about and resolved within the relationship should be. If something can't be, then the relationship needs to be dissolved.

[itstheshrink]

I agree with what DoF said, completely. You're taking your girlfriend for granted. Either stop doing this or let her go so she finds someone who doesn't.

[SooSad33]

Then is sounds like you love her but NOT 'in love with her'..anymore.

 

it's sad when we lose our life & friends we once had.. when a relationship begins. You shouldn't have let that happened.. but, sadly, you let yourself go.... too far.

 

" However since she's all I have, I would be completely alone if I broke up with her"

- This is NOT the reason to remain with someone. That's more acting on selfishness.

 

if it's done.. it's done. You have to respect yourself & her and be honest.

 

I guess you'll have to start anew.. huh? Look into getting a hobby.. or sport. Where you'll meet more & different people out there. Goto a coffee shop.. etc.

 

Don't stick around because you're afraid of being 'alone'.

[kathy679]

I think it's best to be on your own than to be with someone out of fear. This is fear of being on your own. I know that if a man was not 100% into me I would rather not be with him if he was having douts.

[Dottieflanogon]

Just because you are dating does not mean she is the girl you will eventually marry. Out life changes constantly and right now she is your girlfriend. You will either stay together because you care for each other or one day you will drift apart and see other people. Enjoy your time together and have the strength to move on when destiny tells you to. You will know when you found the right one because there is no other feeling in the world. Have fun until then and live your life the right way.

[CritterBug]

I am in the exact same situation as you right now; however, I know what I'm doing about it. I am a 21 year old man who asked out the love of my life about 10 months ago. I am the kind of person who gives love easily, and she is so wonderful and perfect for me that we were ready to spend the rest of our lives together after just 3 or 4 months. Then at 8 months I took it back, and by the start of the tenth month I don't see us lasting out the year. BUT, we both still love each other very much. [i really want to help a bro in the same shoes as me, please take the time to read this]

 

I have had lots of good family who gave me good advice, and I would like to share some of it with you. First of all, it sounds like you are wondering if you should spend the rest of your life with this girl. You have to be happy with your own life before you can even think of sharing it with someone else. Your only 21, there is no earthly way you have made life long friends, reached your career goals, or had time to just see the world and fallow your dreams. It doesn't matter if you date this girl for 4 or 14 more years, you are to young to be thinking about getting married. If you don't have your own life nailed down first, no romantic relationship should be considered a lifetime commitment.

 

Thinking she is the best you can get is just wrong, it's putting yourself down. If a "10" falls in love with you, then you should have no reason to think another "10" wouldn't do the same. When it comes to sharing your life with someone, both you and her should never settle for a "9". (Sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to explain it off the top of my head)

 

You say your friends stopped hanging out with you. Ether they are s, or you haven't been doing your relationship right. I believe you said that you spend nearly every weekend with your girlfriend and that you think she is one of the few people left in your life. Side note: very few people are truly "alone", even homeless people have soup kitchens. Back on point: it sounds like you let your love life take over your hole life. People think it's so good to feel in love, and I mean actively feel in love. When I see a cuple hanging all over each other, I have to face palm because that is the kind of love that dies with the "hunny moon" phase (or they just don't know how to behave in public and need adult supervision). You can't do everything together all the time. You don't bring her to the bar to drink with your Bros and you don't tag along to the coffee shop to listen to her friends gossip. It's not sexism, I'm making a point. You have to have your thing, she had to do her thing, and together you both share a separate thing.

 

Finally I'm going to tell you about how I'm handling my situation -the same one you are in. My lady friend and i love each other, more then we have ever loved anyone before. She still wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but my flames for her are dieing out. That's not to say I still don't love her, I just realized that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to be the biggest in my field, and she is content working for $10 or $15 an hour, "as long as we are together" she says. That may sound romantic to some, but it's not the kind of life I want and is not the kind of person I want to give my heart to for the rest of my life. We nearly broke up, I even told her how I feel now days but she still loves me unconditionally. We talked and found that even if our relationship were to end, we would still love each other in a special way. We could still be friends and maybe one day get back together, that's how important we are to each other. So I'm just letting or relationship fizzle out, but that's just what's working for me in this situation with this woman.

 

I hope I gave you some helpful advice, I tried to avoid giving you direct suggestions because no relationship was, is, or will ever be like the one you are in right now. If you end it, you may never date anyone but crooked-toothed chain smoking behemoth women till your dieing days. Then again, tomorrow may be the only chance you will ever get in your life to find the perfect woman who will make you happy, and in turn nothing will make you happier then seeing a smile on her face that is there because of some little thing you did for her that means you love her.