Family stress and how it relates to my own life

[Guitarguy_82]

This post is going to probably include a few topics, but the main point will be about my family.

 

I'm the oldest of 5 and my younger 2 siblings still live at home with mom & dad. Dad collects social security checks and mom has been unemployed for a while due to health issues.

 

Parents are in a pickle financially every month and myself and my 2nd oldest sister (who lives in a house with her fiance) help them out on a regular basis with bills.

 

Long and short of it is after some big time financial mistakes and my dad's business falling under, they have been chased by their mortgage company who is trying to foreclose on the house. Both my dad and mom have filed multiple bankruptcies (over the past few years) to avoid this and I recently got involved by helping my mom file for a chapter 13 recently (the latest attempt to save the house). So far, the plan is to just pay the mortgage & bills with my dad's SS check, and mom needs to get a full time job. Up until this point they haven't been paying the mortgage over my dad's insistence that there was a dispute over their original agreement and while he does have a point (they have very shady business practices and are well known to be horrible to work with), this is the situation now and we have to deal with it as it stands.

 

The one catch here is my mom's health. She's been in and out of the hospital at random intervals for diverticulitis and related issues in that realm. She needs surgery, which we cannot afford, or needs to wait until it gets so bad that she has to go to the ER for an emergency operation which she is vehemently opposed to (the operation, that is). I've mentioned, and we all agree, that she needs to just go on disability, however that process will take time.

 

I guess overall its just been a big stress on me, who is the one that helps them out financially so often. I support myself in my own apartment, but I'm not exactly living the high life over here. If I give them $200-$300/mo, that's basically my spending money after bills/food/rent, etc. If I go out with my gf, she's the one that usually ends up paying for meals and entertainment because I know at the end of the month I will be helping mom & dad at some point. Thankfully, she is doing well financially and is always able to help out in some form or fashion, in addition to being my own emotional support.

 

My concern going forward is the plan in place to "save" the house my folks are in. I honestly think they need to cut their losses and find a new place. Since they've had so many bankruptcies, they have no credit, and thus my sister and I would most likely need to get them an apartment of some sort, or some other option (any ideas welcome).

 

** one problem with this is my brother, who lives with them and works at the super market accross the street, does not have a car and would need one if they indeed move/lose the house. My youngest sister is still in grade school and if they move, would need to move school districts which would be unfortunate, but in my opinion a necessary move.

 

The combination of the mortgage, the trustee payment, food & bills, would just be too much for them as presently constructed. The trustee payment goes up from $300/mo to $1000/mo after 8 months and presents an additional problem of how to handle that going forward. I recently went to the trustee meeting with parents & their lawyer (who I helped pay for) and when the trustee asked about the hike from $300 to $1000 being an issue, my mom replied that she was going to get a job. As I've mentioned, my concern is her health and the idea of her getting a job just seems like wishful thinking at this point.

 

I've considered a scenario where myself, my 2 younger sisters (the one mentioned before and my other sister who also lives elsewhere but can't really contribute financially) and my brother all contribute X amount of dollars per month to help keep the parents afloat. This is feasible in my mind, although I don't know how much my brother could contribute (he just got the job about 2 months ago), but my question going forward is sustainability.

 

How long can this go on? My dad is approaching 70 and has his own health issues (a history of severe strokes and seizures, and memory loss), and my mom (in my opinion) is really in no place to be working a full time job. She is essentially my dad's caretaker and also is the only one able to drive the family car.

 

Financially, my family is unable to save up or plan for any rainy day scenarios and, while they try not to, are constantly asking me and my sister for cash each month. I'm happy to help them, but I feel like, as this has been going on for years, I'm just feeding the fire.

 

Needless to say, its caused a lot of stress, and shouting matches about money.

 

In my own personal life, I'm stuck in a career I despise, and would love to transition to something new (and obviously with a bigger salary so as to help the folks a bit more easily and allow me to save up as well). I'm working on self-study material and polishing up my resume which has been sitting for a few years, but I just feel stagnant in general. In a quagmire.

 

I know a lot of this sounds like complaining, and for the most part it probably is, but its stress nonetheless and I just want to get it off my chest so to speak. I feel like an ATM for my parents and I know they hate to ask me for money as well.

 

I realize some people are in an even more dire situation, so I'm trying to see the bright side where I can (especially if they do in fact find a way to save the house with this latest ch.13), but the stress has been building up for a while and its just a lot to handle.

 

Anyone have any advice for how to handle these types of situations with parents who rely on you financially and emotionally?

[DoF]

You are mature adult, with a life full of your own problems.

 

Their problems are THEIR problems. Not yours.

 

STOP HELPING THEM OUT. You create an environment of co dependence and absorb THEIR problems into you and your life. And as you are experiencing, what do you get for your help? Whole bunch of BS and drama. Welcome to the world of "being nice and trying to help people and getting screwed in the end".

 

Your father and mother are grown adults, capable of handling their own problems (if not, that's their issue, not yours).

 

Only advice you will get from me is WITHDRAW immediately and focus on yourself. You do NOT live for your parents, you live for YOURSELF.

[j.man]

I love my mother to death and would to everything I needed to provide and make sure she has a roof over her head and food on the table. However, if she couldn't afford the house anymore, it's time for an apartment. You're on the right track making that the priority now. It's unfortunate your younger sister may need to change schools, but it is what it is. Think of all the money you've sank into keeping your parents afloat on a sinking raft that could be going into your younger sister's eventual college.

 

That's how I think of it, at least. I've contributed to my younger siblings' education because my mother has never been in a position to, and she'd much rather live the life she can financially support herself than have me sink money into her that would otherwise go to them.

[Fudgie]

It's time to lose the house and get an apartment. Yes, it sucks but the need is to have a roof of their heads. Notice: it's not a need to have a house. It's time to let it go.

 

My boyfriend's parents lost their house a couple years ago. My boyfriend was sad, because it was the house he grew up in. However, they really needed to go because his stepdad is on disability and his mom works full time but they also are currently supporting their youngest, so they shouldn't couldn't afford the mortgage anymore. They are doing a lot better now that they are in an apartment, with enough room for the 3 of them.

 

I would go to them and say "I'll help you guys find an apartment but I am not bailing you out for the house anymore. If you want my help, you need to sell the house."

[itsallgrand]

What about the option of the kids living with you or your sister? Then your parents financial mess would be separated from the kids.

It could be dealt with as two separate issues.

 

I don't think you are complaining at all. My heart goes out to you in this situation. It is not a fair situation. But you are rising up and taking responsibility where your parents did not. This is because they chose not to plan for the future.

And they are still in the mentality of minute to minute. And that is not going to work, as you know, and it is going to impact those kids. Same as it did and does the rest of you siblings.

They aren't thinking of the reality that either one of them could need long term care at any time now, or that one of them could pass. I'm sorry, but it's reality. It is not realistic to depend upon your mom being able to care take for your father, provide the one source of transportation, and take care of the kids anymore. Not with her serious health issues and not with their ages.

To still be talking about the house, many bankruptcies and not being able to pay bills later, I think shows you that they are beyond reaching.

 

So yeah, this is what I would personally do. Take the responsibility off them of the kids. Offer help for them in finding a home they can afford and coming up with what can be done as their health continues to worsen and for their old age. But the help for them would be separate from anything to do with the kids - there could be no 'the kids need to get here, the kids are hungry, the kids need somewhere to live'.

[Guitarguy_82]

@itsallgrand, I've honestly thought of that as well. My brother is 19 and just got a job as a night manager at the local grocery store, so he is starting his life and just figuring out what it means to be an adult with responsibilities. I don't know if its best for him to live with me right now as I just have a 1 bedroom and my girlfriend (who also wants to move in with me) essentially lives out of my drawers as well. Don't need a 19 year old added to that equation at this moment. That being said, I can't rule it out as a financial possibility.

 

As for my youngest sister, part of my Dad's SS comes from her living with them and still being a minor, so I'm not sure how that would affect his situation. Also something to consider, though.

 

As for them aging and the health issues, believe me, I think about it a lot. More than I care to. That is also what is adding to the stress. I cringe to think of the day where I'll get “the phone call” and find out something horrible has happened to either one of them. According to both of my parents, I'm the one that will be handling everything if/when they pass (with regards to executing wills, etc), so I know its an eventuality. This is also something I need to discuss with them.

 

Overall, I realize the apartment is the best option. I've told this to the parents as well, that long term, we need to think exit strategy. Start selling large items that we don't need anymore, and save cash wherever possible. The day will come where we just stop paying the mortgate, and at that point can consider that the mortgage company will file for the final forclosure, which we won't fight.

 

Me and my 2nd oldest sister also are considering creating a joint account where we can both put in money and let the parents take out what they need (obviously, to be used only for food and bills). I feel like this is going to be needed regardless of if they live in the house or we get them an apartment (which she and I will both need to co-sign for I imagine, since they have no credit).

 

If anything, setting up the account saves me the task of physically going to my ATM, and handing them the cash for them to use on XYZ. Its not that I don't love visiting with them, but it saves me one extra visit per week where I can spend some time on myself (something that I feel I have less and less time for, and thus further adding to my quagmire).

 

@Fudgie, how long did it take for his stepdad to get on disability? I really think my mom needs to just go ahead and do that. My dad also should, since he can't work, but the $$ he makes from SS is more than he would make from disability we've calculated.

 

@j.man this is a good point regarding my sister's future. Growing up we had to change schools a lot due to dad's job, so its not like its impossible. My mom's concern is that since my youngest sister has dyslexia, it will be hard for her to transition from school to school. Its a necessary sacrifice though for this apartment plan to work I feel. And honestly, my sister is a bright kid. Always get's A's and B's and is involved in many school activities. I don't think that she would suffer that badly, save for having to make new friends.

 

@DoF, I completely and wholeheartedly agree in principle. I dream of a life where I can focus on myself 100% and my ambitions without ever having to worry about my family. However, given their health, I can't do that with a clear conscience. In addition to bills my dad needs a slew of medicines and I worry about his health often. This guy has had 3 strokes and seizures and I worry about how much time we have left with him. Add this to my mom's health and random stints in the hospital, and its not as simple as just letting them figure it out. 2nd oldest sister helps out financially where she can and my brother in in a position to where he can start assisting as well, so its not all me. If they somehow get an apartment, I feel that that is the best route for them to become financially independent.

 

That being said, I definitely agree that I need to set up better boundaries for any type of financial enabling I might be doing for them. I am trying to plan my future as well and I know exactly what I wont be doing, based on how my parent's situation is unfolding.

 

Anway, thanks for the replies thus far. It's good to know other's have faced this as well

[Fudgie]

It took him at least a few years, from my understanding. However, even with him on disability and the mom working, they couldn't afford the house and needed to move into an apartment.

 

I think your folks need to be realistic. Neither is really working and they think they can afford a mortgage? They can't. As you said, the way for them to get a better foothold with their money is to get an apartment.

 

I would definitely set up boundaries ASAP and tell them that you will not be helping any further until they agree to get rid of the house. The right choice is clear. So use your power (financial help) to influence them to move towards it.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, I figured you would be the one who they would be relying upon to take care of things in the event of an emergency or death. I figured from how you spoke that you are one they have relied upon a lot to take care of messes when they come up, and to be a 'responsible one'.

I know it's hard but no one else is thinking of these things, so yes, it would be good to discuss with them what they would like and what you can do. Because you have to think longer term, and if you are dried out from all this, you and your siblings, there will be nothing and nobody to do it down the line.

My load seems so light compared to what you are dealing with. I know I will be my moms executor and will be in charge when she passes. I know there is not money there for a funeral, not money there for in the event of further health issues, there is not money for retirement and she is relying upon being able to work forever, not a will there either. I worry about her all the time, and she is only one person. I have a brother and we can do it together, but it's a little different - by default, my mom sort of assumes I will take care of things? And I'm trying my best to get things in place so that it will all be taken care of; and it isn't easy for me. I am not wealthy and am just trying to do the best I can as well.

So I really feel for you and what you are doing here. Trying to make the best out of a really really difficult situation with many facets to it, many things to consider. Not wanting to throw money resources and opportunities down a hole that perpetuates the same cycle, but not wanting to abandon family or see them suffer either.

 

Just want to say if you need emotional support here, I hope we can at least help in that way a little bit.

[Guitarguy_82]

thanks, itsallgrand. I definitely need to discuss those types of long, long term issues. I've found it a humbling experience, as the oldest sibling, to start thinking about those types of scenarios and what to do about it. I feel like its my responsibility, though I recognize I'm not capable of doing it alone. I'm trying to not make it seem too bleak, and I know there is a solution here, but its certainly something that has been on my mind more than I'd care to admit.

[DoF]

@DoF, I completely and wholeheartedly agree in principle. I dream of a life where I can focus on myself 100% and my ambitions without ever having to worry about my family. However, given their health, I can't do that with a clear conscience. In addition to bills my dad needs a slew of medicines and I worry about his health often. This guy has had 3 strokes and seizures and I worry about how much time we have left with him. Add this to my mom's health and random stints in the hospital, and its not as simple as just letting them figure it out. 2nd oldest sister helps out financially where she can and my brother in in a position to where he can start assisting as well, so its not all me. If they somehow get an apartment, I feel that that is the best route for them to become financially independent.

 

That being said, I definitely agree that I need to set up better boundaries for any type of financial enabling I might be doing for them. I am trying to plan my future as well and I know exactly what I wont be doing, based on how my parent's situation is unfolding.

 

Offer them TIME, SUPPORT and be the best son you can be.

 

Based on your post I figured you are in no financial situation to be able to do it. SO this means, the same thing as what happens next to your parents. You simply cannot afford to help them (they have to move into apt).

 

It's not a matter of what you want to do, it's a matter of you CAN do.

 

If it means impacting your financial situation and future, it's a no go.

 

If you were in a great financial situation, it's a different story.

 

What is really sickening behind your story (and story of MANY Americans) is our healthcare system. It's a money sucking business that literally costs arm and a leg. It's really sad and pathetic.

[arjumand]

Have you accessed elder services, etc. in your area? Friends of mine have parents with very little income and managed to get them into subsidized housing that is nicer than the house they were living in before. Also, with all these health issues, they may be eligible for other services as well. You need to thoroughly investigate and perhaps get a social worker involved.