mizzbello Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I am 20 years old and I am in college. I go to a small liberal arts college with about 2,600 students and it is pretty big on greek life. I have never been in a relationship before (not by choice because I want to be in a relationship). People tell me that I look "innocent" and have a babyface-I think it is because I take care of myself and I am petite. I am 5'5-5'6 and I am pretty slim. I have never been asked out on a date or a guy has never asked me for my phone number. I am really a compassionate person, so I would love to find someone to love and have someone to love me back. Sometimes, people I do not know tell me I am pretty or beautiful. Occasionally, I will catch a guy staring at me (sometimes he is cute/attractive) but I do not do anything because it is a guy I do not know and I would not know what to do. But guys, generally, do not seem to notice me. Guys at my college do not even hit on me or anything. Sometimes I go to parties but no guys even want to "hook up" with me (not that I am interested in hooking up). It's sad to even go to a party when guys will grind on my friends and I am left alone, I do not even go to parties anymore. I always hear girls at my college talk about having a boyfriend like it is so easy to get a boyfriend and it makes me sad. I get really depressed because I am about to be 21 and I have never had any experiences with men. This leaves me feeling hopeless and restless about ever finding a guy; I feel like I am going to stay single forever. I know people usually say to focus on yourself and that love comes unexpectedly. The thing is that I try to put myself out there and get involved in activities but I can never seem to "unexpectedly" find the right guy. Link to comment
dias Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 You have been told you are good looking so i guess you don't have insecurities about your physical attributes. Maybe you are too shy ? Generally most people don't "notice" shy persons because they are quiescent and not "amusing" . Maybe you should take the initiative and start a conversation? Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Don't worry about the herd. Dating is difficult at your age. It is a much more casual culture, where you are clearly looking for something of more substance. Having confidence and a fun personality is a place to start. Practicing communication with men would be another idea. Just strike up conversations with the next 5 guys you see. Build up your confidence. You may also want to consider dating a little older, like 25+. This may provide you with more relationship based guys. you can do this! Good luck! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 At 20 you should be focused on friends, school and extra curricular activities to help you grow as a strong and independent woman. Not finding a soulmate. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Guys at my college do not even hit on me or anything. Sometimes I go to parties but no guys even want to "hook up" with me (not that I am interested in hooking up). It's sad to even go to a party when guys will grind on my friends and I am left alone, This is because you're a swan among ducklings, and you'll need to learn how to trust this before you can enjoy your growth. You'll only make yourself miserable by trying to look like and quack like a duck, so skip that. Consider finding ways to befriend some older people outside of your campus. They can be your mentors, and they can help you 'see' beyond appearances. Link to comment
Starseed98 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 One of these days, someone will notice you, not for what you look like, but for you as a person, to me that is most important. Hooking up with any one of those guys would really be a mistake anyway. Soul mate at 20? No, you need to discover yourself as an individual and be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. The energy you give off may be putting others off as well. Read up on self-esteem and self-confidence. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Man, that sucks. A whole 20 years old and still no soul mate?? Everyone knows if you haven't found 'em by 16, your chances go way, way down. After 20... it's pretty much impossible to find "the one." Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Link to comment
dias Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Man, that sucks. A whole 20 years old and still no soul mate?? Everyone knows if you haven't found 'em by 16, your chances go way, way down. After 20... it's pretty much impossible to find "the one." Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I presume what she was really trying to say is "i want to flirt/find a boyfriend" . She is inexperienced and in her mind (as everyone's at that age and stage) soulmate=boyfriend. Link to comment
Loriana Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 OP, I can relate I am 22 and haven't found the right guy yet either. I have had guys tell me I'm attractive and guys have hit on me and offered hook-ups...I know you said no guy has asked you for a hook-up (even though you don't want one) be thankful that they haven't! Because I can tell you from experience that it's a s*** feeling when a guy only wants to sleep with you. It's likely that a lot of girls from your college have boyfriends because maybe they are more confident than you are. But, don't be fooled by this because I wouldn't see it as a "true love" relationship. The majority of 20 year old guys aren't interested in a soulmate they just want to be in a relationship for the sex. Don't get me wrong there are probably some genuine young guys out there, but they are hard to come by. Your friends probably feel the exact same way you do, but instead of waiting to find the right guy they just get with any guy for the sake of having a boyfriend...a lot of girls do this, again not all of them. A good friend of mine told me "don't settle for less because you don't want to wait" and that's so true. You seem like a nice girl and you deserve a good guy, I believe there is someone out there for us all it just takes time to find them, but you will. You are still only 20 you have so much time left to meet a guy. From experience you're not going to have much luck with guys your age so you might want to try older guys like movingforward3 suggested. Most of the guys I have connected with have all been older than me. Give online dating a try, just be aware of the guys that offer you hook-ups or ask for pictures. A genuine guy will want to get to know you first remember that. Good luck Link to comment
DoF Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Why do you wait for a guy to ask you out or get your number? How about YOU do it? DO NOT rely on other people to make things happen FOR YOU. You will be deeply disappointed and never get anywhere in life. Link to comment
tallydoo Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I am 20 years old and I am in college. I go to a small liberal arts college with about 2,600 students and it is pretty big on greek life. I have never been in a relationship before (not by choice because I want to be in a relationship). People tell me that I look "innocent" and have a babyface-I think it is because I take care of myself and I am petite. I am 5'5-5'6 and I am pretty slim. I have never been asked out on a date or a guy has never asked me for my phone number. I am really a compassionate person, so I would love to find someone to love and have someone to love me back. Sometimes, people I do not know tell me I am pretty or beautiful. Occasionally, I will catch a guy staring at me (sometimes he is cute/attractive) but I do not do anything because it is a guy I do not know and I would not know what to do. But guys, generally, do not seem to notice me. Guys at my college do not even hit on me or anything. Sometimes I go to parties but no guys even want to "hook up" with me (not that I am interested in hooking up). It's sad to even go to a party when guys will grind on my friends and I am left alone, I do not even go to parties anymore. I always hear girls at my college talk about having a boyfriend like it is so easy to get a boyfriend and it makes me sad. I get really depressed because I am about to be 21 and I have never had any experiences with men. This leaves me feeling hopeless and restless about ever finding a guy; I feel like I am going to stay single forever. I know people usually say to focus on yourself and that love comes unexpectedly. The thing is that I try to put myself out there and get involved in activities but I can never seem to "unexpectedly" find the right guy. I didn't get into my first real relationship until I was 21. For right now, focus on cultivating friendships and working on classes. I'm a total girl-next-door in terms of looks and personality, and it wasn't particularly interesting to guys when I was younger. Now that my dating pool includes guys who are closer to settling down, I get a lot more attention. I don't really believe in "soulmates" (rather several people who would be "right" in different ways) but you're not going to miss a person who's right for you, especially at 20. Keep doing you, and the right person will take notice at the right time. Link to comment
TMifune Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 The Soul-Mate Myth is an extremely damaging one. It creates these weird romantic fantasies. I'm not going to type a ton, but trust me when I say this: When you look around you and think everyone's special and happy and coupled up, they just aren't. That "perfect" couple has drinking and violence problems. The prom queen cuts herself when nobody is looking. The star quarterback is gay and only dating the homecoming queen as a beard. People have problems. All of us. Work on building a life for yourself, making yourself into the kind of person who really deserves a quality partner. Here's an interesting mathematical breakdown of the odds if we really did have "soul-mates". / It sounds pessimistic but I think it highlights that it's an issue of choice. And that should be empowering. You don't have to wait and look for the perfect person that God ordained for you, you have to meet people and choose a good and virtuous person and then together you grow into each other's "the one". Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Well said TM!! That word "soulmate" should be banned IMO. Most people use the word anyhow without even knowing what it means!! Link to comment
tallydoo Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Well said TM!! That word "soulmate" should be banned IMO. Most people use the word anyhow without even knowing what it means!! Agreed. I prefer "media naranja" anyway--I'm going to find my half an orange. That way, I can use the ambiguity to never be disappointed Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 "Dropping the Soul-Mate Myth isn’t the nihilism a lot of people might have you believe it is. If anything it will free you to have a better, healthier future relationship with someone who is genuinely important to you – a relationship based on genuine desire, mutual respect, complementary understanding of each other and love, rather than on a fear of losing your one and only representation of contentment in this life. From: / Link to comment
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