Reaching a year. I still hurt everyday

[binrob]

Me and my ex got together 5 years ago. We were each others first love and first sexual partner. She left me after 2 years after she said she wasn't happy with how things were between us. I admit I was young and didn't really know what I wanted which must've been hard for her. When she decided to leave I truly understood how much she meant to me and tried to get her back. Didn't work and she had a new boyfriend within weeks. 2 months later she reached out saying how she was sorry and wanted to try again. We did. We lasted 2 more years.

 

The last couple of months were rocky but we were getting better but then we had one big fight. After that she decided to break up. She started dating this other dude immediately. She would not listen and come back no matter what I said. However a month and a half later we started talking and we decided to take it slow. She said she wasn't sure at first which was hard for me, but after a week or so she said she loved me and truly wanted to try again.

 

However about 3 weeks after that she said she couldn't do it and broke up with me. Not more than a week later she was in a relationship with someone else. It was on facebook and everything. She cut me out of her life. Blocked me. Her father called to tell me not to call her anymore. I was crushed.

 

I went true NC in January. She left me a little over a week into November.

 

She had just moved next door to me when we broke up so I saw her and her new boyfriend all the time. I moved to a new place in April. I started university in August. I have not contacted her since. I have dated, I have been with other women, although I maybe started more than 6 months after she left me since I was too depressed to care about anybody else. But I still miss her everyday. I still feel sad. I still hurt. I'm still empty. It won't go away. The pain never goes away. I don't really know what to anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this. She is still with the same guy she got into a relationship with just a few days after she left me.

 

I can't talk to my friends. I just keep it in. I just want to be happy again.

[JA0371]

Damn....sounds like you have done everything right so far. Your ex jumped from guy to guy. Is that really someone you could respect now? The truth is she is probably NOT as great as you remember. Im sorry you're still hurting....but it's a year out of a five year relationship. You WILL get past it. Just be open to it.

[binrob]

Damn....sounds like you have done everything right so far. Your ex jumped from guy to guy. Is that really someone you could respect now? The truth is she is probably NOT as great as you remember. Im sorry you're still hurting....but it's a year out of a five year relationship. You WILL get past it. Just be open to it.

 

Thank you. Yeah, I thought if I made changes in my life, went after getting my degree and doing something positive it would help, but the pain still remains. While I admit that she probably isn't as great as I remember and that a part of me hates her for what she did to me and how she did it, I still miss her. It doesn't mean I want to get back together with her. I just miss her, and it hurts to think she's not mine and she will never be part of my life again. I never got answers as to how she could do what she did and I have accepted that I never will. I hope I will get past it as you say. She did in less than a week, I don't get why I can't when it's been a year.

[sleepingdonut]

I've read that it's often harder for men to get over relationships than women because men tend to have a much worse support structure in terms of friends and family to help them through it. They don't talk to friends about it and instead keep it all in, like you said you do. Perhaps you need to ask your friends for help, have them get you out more, etc. At least make them aware so you don't feel alone in it all.

[SooSad33]

Thank you. Yeah, I thought if I made changes in my life, went after getting my degree and doing something positive it would help, but the pain still remains. While I admit that she probably isn't as great as I remember and that a part of me hates her for what she did to me and how she did it, I still miss her. It doesn't mean I want to get back together with her. I just miss her, and it hurts to think she's not mine and she will never be part of my life again. I never got answers as to how she could do what she did and I have accepted that I never will. I hope I will get past it as you say. She did in less than a week, I don't get why I can't when it's been a year.

 

It just takes time...

You are dealing with a loss.. same thing as a death. Loss of your partner and relationship.

From how I see it, I'd say you couldn't technically work on 'accepting and healing', until you actually moved away from her, which was in April.

Then, you could start working on the process...(the last 6 mos).

 

The longer the relationship, the longer it can take to recover from it. Long term can take 1+ yrs.. some take longer.

 

As for answers? Don't expect 'closure'. We often don't get them.

 

I doubt she got over everything in 'a week'. Most often the Dumper has mentally 'moved on', months before they actually end it. We just don't realize it until the end.

 

Give it more time.. remember, you're dealing with a loss. Loss is never easy.

 

Take it easy.... one day at a time.

[jobelle]

From how I see it, I'd say you couldn't technically work on 'accepting and healing', until you actually moved away from her, which was in April.

Then, you could start working on the process...(the last 6 mos).

 

Exactly. I would say April was your starting point. And although 6 months may feel like a lot, it really isn't. You've been through a lot and healing takes time. Be patient with yourself.

[binrob]

It just takes time...

You are dealing with a loss.. same thing as a death. Loss of your partner and relationship.

From how I see it, I'd say you couldn't technically work on 'accepting and healing', until you actually moved away from her, which was in April.

Then, you could start working on the process...(the last 6 mos).

 

The longer the relationship, the longer it can take to recover from it. Long term can take 1+ yrs.. some take longer.

 

As for answers? Don't expect 'closure'. We often don't get them.

 

I doubt she got over everything in 'a week'. Most often the Dumper has mentally 'moved on', months before they actually end it. We just don't realize it until the end.

 

Give it more time.. remember, you're dealing with a loss. Loss is never easy.

 

Take it easy.... one day at a time.

 

I understand that maybe I haven't actively been healing since day one. But I have been hurting since then and I have not felt true happiness and been able to relax fully for a whole year. I am so tired of this and no matter what it won't stop. I am not expecting any closure. As I said I have accepted that I never will know how she could do what she did. I just want to be able to be happy again.

[miss_sunshine]

Hey there, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I haven't been on this forum for quite a few months but I am having a down night.

 

It's been almost 18 months since my boyfriend of 11.5 years left me and I sure as hell think about him everyday. I miss him, well I miss who he used to be. I remember the good times, how I thought he was my best friend, our holidays together, having someone to come home to everyday. It hurts to know I will never experience that again and I also have not met anyone who I have even 1/100 of the connection with. It takes time, I loved him with my whole heart and that is a hard thing to let go. My ex, like yours moved on quickly and is still with her so I understand your pain.

 

Hang in there! Try to focus on yourself and realise it's normal and okay to still be hurting. Xx

[overthemoon86]

Long term relationships are so difficult to get over, it is such a huge part of your life. I was with my ex for almost 6 years and it has been almost 2 years since we broke up. Do I still think about him? Yes, all the time. But it does not pain me as much as it used to. Some days, it will be something really random that will upset me, but I do not let it ruin my day where as when it first happened it would be debilitating.

 

You have to give yourself credit and recognize that you are 10 times better than when the break up first happened. Look at the growth and the progress you have made. That is so important! Love yourself! It's totally okay to still feel pain, that is part of life. Pain leads to growth and appreciation for the good in life.

 

You will be okay.

 

P.S. she sounds like she sucks anyway.

[Saffron_]

But I still miss her everyday. I still feel sad. I still hurt. I'm still empty. It won't go away. The pain never goes away. I don't really know what to anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this. She is still with the same guy she got into a relationship with just a few days after she left me.

 

I can't talk to my friends. I just keep it in. I just want to be happy again.

 

I'm just over a year post breakup and I feel the same way you've just described. We were together 11 years, he left for his friends wife and a month ago they celebrated their one year anniversary despite the fact it had only been 11 months since our break up. Ouch. I keep reminding myself that grief is not linear and these sort of setbacks are normal but I still yearn for the day when the pain is gone. The hope that I will get over this is all that's keeping me going right now.

 

@Babydoll: I've been lurking on here for a while since my break up. I wasn't sure if I should come back since I first came here 5 years ago after my first breakup with my ex, but I found your posts and realising our stories and timelines are quite similar, I found a strange sort of comfort in reading your posts. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but reading your post today has made me feel less of a failure for not being over my break up yet. After a few months or maybe a year if you're lucky, people do expect you to be over things and so you have to pretend to the outside world that you are. But over this past week I've felt a loneliness I hadn't felt in months and since I can't talk to anyone about it, I've come here to vent. At least I can take some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one still needing to do that.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi Saffron, I thought the same thing when I read your message. It is such a long time that we were with someone and when you truly love them I don't think that ever goes away, you just learn to adapt and change your thinking. I ended up in hospital this week, it was a big drama with CPR, ambulances etc and I will be fine but I have spent a lot of time alone this week off work and have had a lot of time to think. I am honestly so much better than I ever have been and I no longer look at thinking about him as a weakness. I am probably always going to think about him, I am probably always going to feel hurt and betrayed but I no longer give it the same meaning in my life as I once did. You are doing the best you can, so don't feel bad. As long as you are getting out there, making new friends, doing things each day for yourself then you have nothing to be ashamed of. As you said grief is not linear and there will always be setbacks.

 

I have received a couple of strange messages from my ex over the past few months even though he is with his girlfriend. I have chosen to just ignore them for the most part and give them no further thought. What I mean by this is that they will think of us from time to time too, don't think they wont. It is tough, I thought he was my best friend and he ended up leaving for a girl at his work, but I have faith that it was not meant to be. I realised how much I gave and gave and it was never truly appreciated. I exhausted myself, walked on eggshells sometimes to keep him happy and it is a relief to just be able to be me. I have not really dated as yet, other than a couple of casual things but I know maybe soon I might be ready, but for now I am just happy and content on my own and if someone comes along then so be it, but I am not desperately searching.

 

Here any time if you want to talk

[Saffron_]

I have received a couple of strange messages from my ex over the past few months even though he is with his girlfriend. I have chosen to just ignore them for the most part and give them no further thought. What I mean by this is that they will think of us from time to time too, don't think they wont. It is tough, I thought he was my best friend and he ended up leaving for a girl at his work, but I have faith that it was not meant to be. I realised how much I gave and gave and it was never truly appreciated. I exhausted myself, walked on eggshells sometimes to keep him happy and it is a relief to just be able to be me.

 

Looking back, I don't think he appreciated me either. I used to go out of my way to do nice things for him. I thought that's what you were supposed to do for someone you love. But it was so one sided. He accepted what I offered and gave little back. Like when I (reluctantly) loaned him money and he took months and months to pay it back. All the while not restricting his spending habits. He even told me, when I demanded the remainder of it back that repaying me wasn't a priority. I've had that going round and round in my mind for a while now. That's not love. He clearly didn't think that much about me when I was in the relationship so I doubt he's thinking of me now. Especially since he's found the “love of his life.“

 

What has your ex been sending you Babydoll? I hope I don't hear from mine again (unless he contacts me to tell me his life's gone to sh** which I'd love) since he'll probably just do something insensitive like send me a Christmas card signed from the both of them. I wouldn't put it past him.

 

Had a bit of a bitter moment there. Sorry!