Strange long distance relationship breakup

[Kimbra]

For the past couple years, I've been in this on again/off again long distance relationship. This guy has had some issues with getting his life straightened, but he called me out of the blue about 2 months ago saying that he still loves me, can't stop thinking about me, and wants to be with me. Things with him seemed to improve financially (which is what the main problem was before). He had a good job, just hadn't yet gotten a car. I also haven't had a car, so you can imagine that we have not seen each other much. When we have been together though, its like everything is great, as it should be. It was mutually understood that we were in love and willing to make things work out. A month ago, he told me that he wanted to marry me and that he wanted me to come live with him. I agreed, but I said that it would take some time to get there. I didn't want to rush anything. But I said yes. We even started talking about rings.

 

Then about 2 weeks ago, he started ghosting me. He just quit calling me, quit responding to my texts. Every few days, I'd send something like, “Hey, how are you? Are you ok?” Nothing.

 

This morning I got an email from him. He said that I need to stop contacting him, because evidently not responding to his texts wasn't working (his words). Then he said that he had met someone else and they were in love and getting married. I was floored, but not entirely surprised since our relationship has been unstable from the day I met him. I just said, “No YOU are the one that needs to stop contact ME since YOU are the one that initiates a reconnection every time we break up. And you're damn right that ghosting me isn''t going to work out well for you because as someone who was told that you love me and wanted to marry me, I deserve an explanation. Not responding to my texts is what cowards do.”

 

Then he emails me back and says, “I may be a coward, but I'm not your problem. Explanation: I'm just f*cked up in the head.”

 

So him telling me that he's “f*cked up in the head” has happened more than once. His friend told me that he has depression, but he denied it. I know he was seeing a therapist, but I don't know how often and what all they talked about. Other than that, he's seemed shy about talking about it.

 

So, I understand that he has some issues that are way over my understanding, but I cant even hate him over this. If it were anyone else, I would say he's a list of explatives and then forget about him, but I genuinely feel that this guy has some kind of mental illness, and for that I am just not sure how to get over him. He pretty much has no one in his life that consistently shows him that they care about him. I wanted to be that person. I do still love him, and I know I can't be with him when he's like this...but I feel so heartbroken, not just because he broke it off with me, but I feel bad FOR HIM.

 

Maybe he's involved with someone else, but I call BS on it lasting more than a couple months. I know its because a relationship with me isnt convenient for him, so he decided to start talking to someone closer. Maybe HE thinks at this moment shes something, but he will do the exact same thing to her that he just did with me. This is apparently his pattern. In fact, if the pattern continues, he'll be calling me up in another 2 months just like he's done 2 other times before.

 

I guess I just don't know if I should forget about him, or continue to show concern for him in the future. He obviously needs help. I just don't know what I am going to do when over the holidays, I begin to miss him and wonder how he's doing. I'm over the idea that I can have a normal relationship with him, if one at all, but I just can't imagine myself kicking him out of my life and mind for good.

 

Any thoughts or input would be appreciated. I don't expect anything from anyone here, just need some rational input from an outsider. It's hard for me to see this straight since my emotions are so caught up, if that makes sense.

[mhowe]

Forget about him. He surely sounds unstable, neither of you have cars, you would have to move. It all adds up to zero.

 

Block his number so you aren't tempted to answer his next phone or text.

[dias]

Don't waste your life . Apparently he has mental issues that can't be solved . Don't answer/respond/talk to him again.

[ThatwasThen]

. If it were anyone else, I would say he's a list of explatives and then forget about him, but I genuinely feel that this guy has some kind of mental illness, and for that I am just not sure how to get over him.

You get over him the same way you would get over someone who doesn't have a mental illness. You accept that its over and you go zero contact so that you can get to the stage of indifference to them.

 

Then, you see a therapist for your tendency to caretake (the dysfunctional opposite of caregive) and your codependent need to try and fix/rescue someone who you will never be able to fix. If you were strong in your personal boundaries, you certainly wouldn't want to rescue this man but rather quickly distance yourself from him rather then keep taking him back for more of the same dysfunctional relating.

 

Why do you think HIS mental illness is a reason for you to be unable to get over him?

[Broomwood]

You need to figure out why you're drawn to such 'mental' people, who you want to help out, be a crutch for. You're saying you can't imagine kicking him out of your life. If you need a 'patient', there'll always be one, if not this one, another. Have you ever had a good, stable, dependable relationship? If not, try to find and read some material.

[abitbroken]

he contacts you because you accept the contact. So don't. Block his number so you can't even see his texts, okay?

[Kimbra]

You get over him the same way you would get over someone who doesn't have a mental illness. You accept that its over and you go zero contact so that you can get to the stage of indifference to them.

 

Then, you see a therapist for your tendency to caretake (the dysfunctional opposite of caregive) and your codependent need to try and fix/rescue someone who you will never be able to fix. If you were strong in your personal boundaries, you certainly wouldn't want to rescue this man but rather quickly distance yourself from him rather then keep taking him back for more of the same dysfunctional relating.

 

Why do you think HIS mental illness is a reason for you to be unable to get over him?

 

Because he's not just being an . He's sick. I genuinely care for him, and I cannot just forget someone who I care for and who I know is suffering. I still think about an ex I had over 10 years ago because he tried to kill himself (long after we broke up, had nothing to do with me.) But I still care for the guy, and we still remain friendly after all these years.

[Hermes]

Kimbra. Good advice from the other posters.

 

You are not a mental health professional, and it is not healthy to try to be a "fixer". And he is not your problem.

[abitbroken]

Because he's not just being an . He's sick. I genuinely care for him, and I cannot just forget someone who I care for and who I know is suffering. I still think about an ex I had over 10 years ago because he tried to kill himself (long after we broke up, had nothing to do with me.) But I still care for the guy, and we still remain friendly after all these years.

 

Whatever you do or don't do is not going to make an impact on his ultimate path. He has family members and nearby friends around him. You are putting his health and mental well being ahead of your own by entertaining him. why would you even talk about marriage with an unstable person?

[melancholy123]

You need to let this go. You can't fix him. Maybe his new gf will work for him especially if she's nearby.

[ThatwasThen]

Because he's not just being an . He's sick. I genuinely care for him, and I cannot just forget someone who I care for and who I know is suffering.

Well, you have no choice. He's dumped you once again. You have to ask yourself why you need to keep letting someone who treats you so poorly back in your life.

I still think about an ex I had over 10 years ago because he tried to kill himself (long after we broke up, had nothing to do with me.) But I still care for the guy, and we still remain friendly after all these years.

This is part of codependency. However: Still "thinking" about someone" and being "unable to get over them" are two completely different things.

 

You "got over" the first sad case you were attracted to (another sign of your codependency issues) only to fall into a relationship with yet another of the same ilk.

 

Not to be insensitive but did you have a tough childhood where one or both parents had mental issues/addictions or such? It seems you have a pattern of choosing men that need fixing and you have trouble with recycling connections that are best left unconnected.

 

"He obviously needs help." Yes he does and it is presumptuous of you to think that you are the one that can help him with what ails him or, even control him into getting the professional help that he needs to get. He's broken up with you now. Time for you to leave him to his new "caretaker" and you do all you can to be the best you that you can be so that you attract and are attracted to a good man of sound mind and who values you so that he'd not keep leaving you high and dry.

[Kimbra]

Its hard to accept. It's extremely rare that I even meet a guy that I find attractive enough to want to date, let alone have any real chemistry with. Only 2 men in the last 8 years. So I hang on because who knows how many years it will be before I am even interested in someone else. I meet people all the time, but nearly everyone bores me. This was was different. I liked this guy because of certain ways in which I already knew he was different than all the other guys that show interest in me. And that's still true. I don't like hyper masculine men. I like men who share their feelings, their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and this guy was that. I have found that rare in men these days. Most men think that they can impress me with their muscles, money, and cars, but I literally can't stand it. That's why it's so hard to let this one go. He wasn't like other men.

 

I may have excused much of his behavior because I know that no one is perfect. I thought that things would improve, and I was willing to take the chance. I don't regret giving him another chance, but I regret kicking other men out the door from my past. I regret not being more forgiving years ago, and that's why I became more lenient.

[boltnrun]

You don't find other men attractive because you are only attracted to "fixer-uppers".

 

This is an unhealthy pattern.

 

Would you consider professional help to find out why you are only attracted to men with emotional or mental health issues?

[Kimbra]

I'd love to find help. I have a job, but I don't have insurance. How can I pay for therapy?

[boltnrun]

Codependents Anonymous is free. They have meetings all over. You could find and join a group. I found it to be of immense help. It won't get into the "why" of codependency but it's enlightening hearing other peoples' stories and how they relate to yours.

[Kimbra]

Thank you. I just read a little bit about codependency and Id say I have a lot of those qualities. Although, I have taken numerous self esteem tests and most of of my results claim that my sense of self worth it pretty healthy. I just wish I knew why I gravitate towards people who have issues. It's not just men, but female friends too. I find that people that share some of my same issues in life (past or present) are the ones I can relate to best. Everyone else I encounter seems indifferent and self involved with superficial things. (Their money, their boyfriend, their lives). These people never want to hang out with me because they are "too busy." Actually I think they can be just as screwed up as anyone else but they are so caught up in everything that they never show it or don't realize it. People with issues who are open about it tend to seek out my companionship. They want to talk about deep thinking things, and we share stories. Just the other day there was a girl on my facebook feed that that I hadnt talked to in a good 6 years. One day not too long ago, she wrote a long status update about how she was having a hard time in life because of this and that. Suddenly, I felt compelled to message her, and we have been closer since. I really like talking to her as a friend. But I can't stand when other "normal" people just want to talk about their dog, their job, and how their boyfriend bought them a nice necklace. Does this make me screwed up?

[abitbroken]

Thank you. I just read a little bit about codependency and Id say I have a lot of those qualities. Although, I have taken numerous self esteem tests and most of of my results claim that my sense of self worth it pretty healthy.

There is no official "test" about self esteem. Are you taking a quiz out of a magazine?

 

 

I just wish I knew why I gravitate towards people who have issues. It's not just men, but female friends too. I find that people that share some of my same issues in life (past or present) are the ones I can relate to best.

 

Because you are looking ultimately for someone to fix. Also, if you create a situation where the person "needs" you or you make them dependent on you emotionally, they won't leave you - they must have you around. It is a sense of security.

 

Everyone else I encounter seems indifferent and self involved with superficial things. (Their money, their boyfriend, their lives). These people never want to hang out with me because they are "too busy." Actually I think they can be just as screwed up as anyone else but they are so caught up in everything that they never show it or don't realize it.

 

Someone's life and someone's boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse are *NOT* superficial things. They are VERY important parts of people's lives - especially the life part they are talking about. People talk about things they enjoy and people who are important to them. They are "too busy" perhaps because their life is full of interesting things and achievement that make them happy, and so many people invite them to things and you have to start being an inviter, or they are too busy because its a real drag to have a friend who ONLY wants to talk about their insecurities or major issues constantly, or only wants to delve into theirs. I have a close friend - we occasionally do talk about the little things in life that bother us, or when we get hurt, but we also talk about lots of other things. I would say - 90% of the time we are not talking about anything that bothers us or we keep having the same issue about.

 

No, it is not fair to call these people "screwed up and they don't realize it". No one is perfect, but they could actually really like where they are at in life. And they don't appreciate people treating them or talking to them that they must be really screwed up, but don't realize it.

 

My ex was like that - anyone who was generally pretty happy with life or were reasonably successful he had to invent reasons why they must be screwed up. I think he did it partially to compensate for his own lack of success.

 

As far as the woman on Facebook - when you saw someone was going through turmoil, you raced to try to reach out and be her good friend. When is the last time you reached out to someone because their child, against all possible odds, graduated from school (despite a disability where they were told they can't,), or the person won an award, created an artwork they were proud of? Or happened to be showing off talent in a hobby you like, too? In otherwords, when is the last time you connected with someone who didn't "need" somebody - but just to congratulate them, cheer them on with a card, a phone call, an invite to coffee? That's how you gradually form healthy friendships? People with good boundaries get to know someone slowly instead of going waist deep the second they meet them.

[abitbroken]

Men with healthy boundaries do not share deep feelings with someone right off the bat. They want to get to know them, have a good conversation with them, do something fun with them. A healthy man gets to know someone gradually. He doesn't give his heart away immediately. When he trusts you over time and gets to know you better over time, he draws you closer and when something comes up that scares him, or he is sad about, he will share with you. The sign of someone with very poor boundaries is a guy that immediately dumps on you about all of his hang ups issues and cries "poor me" right off the bat. Everyone has something they are insecure about, but people who share so deeply so quickly have poor boundary lines.

[mhowe]

These people that are "too busy" are actually LIVING their lives --- with interests, hobbies, family and friends.

 

They are not gazing at their own navel, nor those of other people who want to endlessly discuss the dysfunction in theirs.

[Hermes]

Fully agree with what Abit says:

 

" A healthy man gets to know someone gradually. He doesn't give his heart away immediately. When he trusts you over time and gets to know you better over time, he draws you closer and when something comes up that scares him, or he is sad about, he will share with you. The sign of someone with very poor boundaries is a guy that immediately dumps on you "

[ThatwasThen]

Its hard to accept. It's extremely rare that I even meet a guy that I find attractive enough to want to date, let alone have any real chemistry with. Only 2 men in the last 8 years. So I hang on because who knows how many years it will be before I am even interested in someone else.

^^^ another sign of codependency is preferring to suffer in dysfunction then be alone.

 

OP: Here is something that would be good for you to read:

 

 

 

Here is a link to the Codependency Anonymous Site which will give you the location of a meeting near you:

 

 

 

Also: Google "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and read everything you can on the subject.

 

Good luck

[ThatwasThen]

Adding:

Thank you. I just read a little bit about codependency and Id say I have a lot of those qualities.

Those aren't "qualities" they are symptoms of dysfunctional relating.

[abitbroken]

One last (well, maybe not last) thought: The more you get someone else to rely on you for support, the more you block or impede them from receiving the professional help they may need, or if not, the gift of coming to a realization on their own -where any insight is much more permanent.

[abitbroken]

^^^ another sign of codependency is preferring to suffer in dysfunction then be alone.

 

OP: Here is something that would be good for you to read:

 

 

 

Here is a link to the Codependency Anonymous Site which will give you the location of a meeting near you:

 

 

 

Also: Google "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and read everything you can on the subject.

 

Good luck

 

This is a good one:

 

Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.