Found out she cheated on me I'm in so much pain need advise and comments please!

[mightbaal]

Well first off Hi its been years since I have been on these forums and had problems with a break up 8+ years ago.

Well I found out my fiancee cheated on me 2 years ago with a good friend of mine. We have a child together and he is coming up on 3 years we have lived together for alittle over 3 years. Been together for 4 years we love each other a lot and I have never had this feeling in my life. The last 24 hours of knowing this has been horrible but let me explain the whole situation the best I can. When my fiancee was pregnant I wasn't the most supportive person in the world and right after he was born too... but I loved my son since the day he was born we had some rough times and almost break ups (for up to his 1st year of life). The last 2 years since this happened I had no clue but our relationship does feel a lot different than it used to. We still have our fights like any relationship but we have a strong bond I love her to death and we have the cutest happiest little almost 3 year old and were planning on another. The way I found out was a hard way to find out. I simply had a bad vibe and am afraid to ask the question because I have trust issues from my last relationship. I asked her if she had been always true to me and she told me yes I have. Then I looked at her and asked do you swear on our child's life (it was hard to say that). She didn't respond and my stomach dropped to the floor. SHe told me everything that alcohol was only involved 1 time and that she just started coming over to him at first for someone to talk to. They had sex 4 times total. I was friends with this guy for the past 8 years the thing is we work together (he just recently switched shifts but I am going to see him the days he works overtime and vice versa). We stopped hanging out like we used to about 2 years ago and I could never understand why he just stopped wanted to hang out or even text. When my Fiancee became pregnant I was in denial because of my past I was convinced that I was infertile but I guess I was just really really lucky because I should have had like 20+ kids by now if I wasn't. I thought through the whole pregnancy that he wasn't my child but I stuck with it because she swore up and down the road and its sad but we even had a DNA test through the state to confirm from my denial. She swore that this was the only time this has ever happened and I know she would never lie when I ask her to swear on our sons life even tho I hate having to do that. She has not talked to my ex-friend for the last 2 years. I should have never become friends with this guy because he told me all the stories of his friends wife's that he has slept with and I even asked him why would that be different with my woman trying to have sex with her. And he claimed it was different blah blah blah (guess not eh?). I responded to this whole ordeal weird I think. After I found out we talked and talked and talked and laid in bed both crying her swearing on our childs life she would never ever do this again and we had sex like 5 times last night and that when she did do this (with my friend) she felt so much guilt and that during that time she felt we were going to break up any day and it was the darkest time of her life she said because of the stresses of having a child under 1 year old working full time and going to school. I feel so dumb because I swore she was the most loyal and trust worthy woman I have ever been with. I need some advise of others with similar situations how it worked out and what you would do because I am so lost right now so emotional and I am like rarely emotional. Sorry if the story is all over the place. Also I am a struggling type 1 diabetic (the type you get real young) that I am not even sure what my future has in store for me health wise. I need help advise my diabetes is bad right now I haven't been eating I feel like my whole life is so messed up I've been crying throwing up had horrible nightmares last night. Called into work today because of my diabetes being so bad and the dangerous work I do for a living.

Thank you for reading I know this is a repost but I put it in the wrong forum.

 

I really want to know if this is even possible to get over as I am so anti cheating I have never cheated on anyone ever. Its been 2 days since I have been able to eat I try but cannot this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life and I am in serious depressive state.

[beanpot]

God I am so sorry for what you must be going through. Trust broken is earth shattering... You can heal but it will take a lot of time and dedicated effort by your partner to bend over backwards to make things right.

[JaredTheGhost]

It doesn't matter what you thought or how perfect things seemed, because they weren't. She cheated on you. She made the conscious decision to lay in bed with another man while you two were in an active commited relationship. Having a child together is no reason to try and stay together. I think you should leave and still find ways to see and take care of your child. If she tries to bring you to court over child support because she's mad, just let her and pay that child support. Once trust has been broken in the cheating aspect, the relationship is over. There's no real forgiveness, as you'll never be able to get passed it. It'll ring around in your head all day like an annoying ambulance that passes by on a quiet road. I know it hurts, but it'll start to hurt much less if you cut your losses and let her go. You need and deserve someone whose gonna stand by you, loyal and all. Anything further and any effort made to this relationship at this point would be a waste of time. Don't feel bad if she cries or tries to guilt you. She should of thought of that before laying in bed with someone who wasn't you.

[Silverbirch]

Go to a counsellor together. I would think from what you say there is a possibility it could work out.

[Dollita]

First of all, she slept with him 4 times.

This number doesn't really matter as long as it's greater than 1.

When someone cheated on you more than once,

it's not a mistake,

it's a well thought act.

 

All mothers go through hard times raising their children,

so her excuse of being stressed about raising a child is...well...an excuse.

 

Since you've found this out 2 years ago...

I assume you have been coping with it for the past 2 years?

 

You're having horrible days, crying, throwing ups, and nightmares

 

In the end, I don't know what you decide to do,

But what I know is this relationship is no longer right for you.

 

Everyday is a new day,

This is your life,

And you have full control of it.

[mightbaal]

First of all, she slept with him 4 times.

This number doesn't really matter as long as it's greater than 1.

When someone cheated on you more than once,

it's not a mistake,

it's a well thought act.

 

All mothers go through hard times raising their children,

so her excuse of being stressed about raising a child is...well...an excuse.

 

Since you've found this out 2 years ago...

I assume you have been coping with it for the past 2 years?

 

You're having horrible days, crying, throwing ups, and nightmares

 

In the end, I don't know what you decide to do,

But what I know is this relationship is no longer right for you.

 

Everyday is a new day,

This is your life,

And you have full control of it.

 

I found out 2 days ago it happened 2 years ago. Sorry my post may be confusing in some areas.

[DoF]

You will never trust her again.

 

I would advice that you collect as much evidence as possible and go see a lawyer. Keep things under wraps until she is served.

[TMifune]

it's good for you to take responsibility for the things that you could have / wish you had done differently.

 

But you need to separate that from blame. She chose. She acted. Whether or not you treated her as well as you could have has absolutely no bearing on her moral responsibility to either remain committed or dissolve the relationship.

 

This is going to suck and it's going to hurt for a long time. But I agree with Dollita above.....once could be a mistake. Four times is a betrayal. Without her genuine remorse she'll never take full responsibility for what she's done. And if she doesn't take full responsibility then you'll never be able to trust that she won't do it again.

[Clio]

Given that you two have a child together, I would suggest that you seek counseling. There is no one answer to this scenario. Some couples do overcome infidelity but it takes a lot of effort from both to do it. It's YOUR life though and only YOU know whether she deserves a second chance or not. For now, focus on your health. Make sure that you eat right and seek medical help about managing your diabetes if you are struggling with it. Diabetes 1 CAN be managed and I know several people who do so successfully. Your health should always be a priority to you. Your child needs you. As for that guy, try to avoid him as much as possible. In the longterm it might be best to change jobs altogether if that is an option.

[mightbaal]

Given that you two have a child together, I would suggest that you seek counseling. There is no one answer to this scenario. Some couples do overcome infidelity but it takes a lot of effort from both to do it. It's YOUR life though and only YOU know whether she deserves a second chance or not. For now, focus on your health. Make sure that you eat right and seek medical help about managing your diabetes if you are struggling with it. Diabetes 1 CAN be managed and I know several people who do so successfully. Your health should always be a priority to you. Your child needs you. As for that guy, try to avoid him as much as possible. In the longterm it might be best to change jobs altogether if that is an option.

 

Cant change jobs I really want to work things out but the whole thought is really bad and hurts me so deeply it is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. We had a hard time during that part of the relationship we were both emotionally disconnected. Sucks I just found out now 2 years later but those 2 years were the strongest part of our relationship that we have had. We were close to breaking up when she did this but we were NOT. She really feels bad and so far has done everything she can possibly do to try and work this out. I feel so stupid my friend that did this I always bragged about how my woman was the only woman I really trusted all this time she was the one and only relationship I really used to trust. One thing I do know thats sad to say is that she would never lie on our son's life. Thank you all so much for your advise time will only tell if this will work.

[lostandhurt]

First things first is for you to make an appointment with your doctor. It seems strange I know to call your doctor but he/she can prescribe some mild meds to help you through this very terrible time in your life. Your health is your number on priority right now. You have a little boy to think of and if you let your health spiral out of control who will be there for him?

 

Not being able to eat is common. I didn't eat for 4 days and I wasn't even hungry after 4 days but knew I had to eat something. Try something from your favorite place. You need to eat!

 

You are in shock right now so your choices will not be good ones. You are just reacting, not thinking.

 

Go to survivinginfidelity.com and do some reading. There is a place for the cheated and the cheater there.

 

This will not be easy but it is possible to rebuild the relationship after something like this. It will take a lot of very hard work and brutal honesty. The trust has been shattered and it is very hard to put it back together...

 

She has given you several excuses for her choice to have sex with some other guy 4 times. They are just excuses, not reasons. There is never a good reason to betray the ones you love. Remember that as you move forward.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[Lester]

"I really want to know if this is even possible to get over as I am so anti cheating I have never cheated on anyone ever."

- Even with compatible backgrounds, an intelligent/proper discovery/dating period, no rushing, engagement with a firm date/commitment to marry,with no neglect, before apartments/houses/shared stuff and no fighting..., VERY HARD.

 

But that's not your situation.

[Countrymandude]

I am going and went throught the same wifed cheated we have a son and blah blah, its been a month for me and i have come ton realized that more than sex we as men need to RESPECT ourselfs, i was in denial too i wanted to save the martiage and all that, consequences is a MUST, otherwise she will do it again, i decided to walk away and we are going to separate, its hard but it has to be done, she is not the same person you felt in love with so forget about love, the reason you want to stay is because you are outof your confort zone and you just want to back by forgiving her, being in your confort zone will not resolve anything in fact thats part of the problem, listen to me when i tell you take this and reinvent yourself stop rewarding her by being a loving husband, i get it it seems as she is the world for you thats far from the truth, my wife too tried to manipulate me with sex and making me feel gillty for her cheating now i see it clear selfish people will keep you there as back up plan as soon as they find someone better or a replacement they leave you and is that the kind of person you want for the rest of your life? well not me, true alfa males dont let women walk all over them and thats the attitude you need in your mind you want someone that is going to respect you and be with you in bad and good times, if you stay with her she will NEVER respect you because your actions are basically saying its ok to cheat on me, no matter what i will be there for you, i might be coming to harsh i dont know but i want you to be where i am at now, it feels good i dont care what my wife do at this point she brought this on helfesh its her lost, if she is going to miss me and regret her actions only time will tell if she doesnt missed me good i didnt waste time, if she does missed me and wants to come back to me she will have to work 110% to try to convince me to take her back and that is if i still would want her back. Regarless i wish you luck and remember RESPECT yourself and your belief if is not ok with you then dont change it for anybody

[Raoul]

Survivinginfldelity.com