Help - Impossible to go no contact

[Kate221]

So basically my ex split up with me very suddenly a month ago.

 

It was a horrendously bad shock break up and has left me feeling very depressed and low. I honestly am trying my hardest to be positive but it only seems to last a few days.

 

To make matters worse I work alongside my ex. I am finding it very difficult as its impossible to go no contact with someone I have to see in the office. Everytime I go into work I am faced with him and I dont feel like I can go on like this anymore. He is happy and laughing and joking. He doesnt seem to care about my presence at all. I dont understand how it isnt hurtful for him too.

 

I dont go to work and act depressed. I put on a brave face.

 

I have tried to ask for a move but its a small company and both of our job roles are specific to one team so there isnt anywhere to move to. I also cant look for another job right now as this job has the perfect amount of hours for me to study at university and also support my rent and bills etc.

 

Before we got together we were friends and I secured him the job, not realising it would end up like this. I know I shouldnt have got involved with someone who I work with but he doesnt need this job as much as me as he now lives with his parents so doesnt need to support a home. He always said if anything negatice happened between us he would leave.

 

I just feel so lost and confused and cant ever see a positive outcome when I have to see him everyday.

[Movingforward3]

I am really sorry for your pain. I would say do the best you can with limited contact. Remove all reminders at home about him. Delete cell. Get rid of pics. All gifts and items gone. No texting. Only work related matters when necessary.

I found that focusing on me and my health has given me the strength I needed to survive. Eating right and exercising, being with family and friends, getting a hobby, etc. do what you want to do. Allow yourself to live. Have a laugh. It won't be easy, but if you focus and stay with it, it will get better. I understand where you are coming from. Even at 3+months I still miss her. But, don't fall for the I am happy act. They are hurting, just don't want to show it. You must do your best to control your emotions and not give him the satisfaction. I am rooting for u! Good luck!

[LB16]

I used to have to work with an ex after the break up to. It was hard I admit but the way I got thru it was to change the way I was thinking.

 

I got so sick and tired of feeling sad & depressed while he was happy & acting as if nothing had happened. I kept asking myself why and how could he be fine? One day I decided to just say who cares how he is acting. I decided to be happy & I started to think why do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? I realized I deserved better. Stop worrying about him & how he is behaving. Take care of you & decide you don't need someone like him.

 

I did get another job eventually and it was the best thing I ever did! I would suggest you finding something else so you can leave him behind.

[DoF]

Time to find a new job.

 

STOP dating people at work, when and if you do, assume :

a) everyone there will know personal details about you

b) your job AND career is on the line

c) things WILL get awkward in time

 

This is on you, DO NOT date co workers. I know it's a hard way to learn, but as an adult you should know this by now.

[ParisPaulette]

This is one of those times where, as much as I hate the phrase, you're going to have to "fake it until you make it" meaning you do the same thing he's doing--you act like you haven't a care in the world. He may not be happy when he goes home, he may be faking it just as much as you. It may also be he won't get hit with it until you're recovered and then the shoe will be on the other foot. Or it could be none of those things.

 

I've been there too only in my case the cowoerker was vindictive and higher on the company food chain and I lost an entire career out of the deal. All you can do at this point is keep moving forward, look for another job yes, but in the meantime be very low key, minimal talk. And outside of work find a new activity or two to occupy your mind. Now is the time to go take those dance classes, to hit the gym, to get up off the couch and go out. It will be hard in the beginning, but you will start to recover and move forward. And when you do you need to keep that distance, because he might notice it and try a bit to hoover you back in to boost his own ego. My advice, don't let him.

 

Focus on your own work, on being a great employee, on having everyone at work respect you. Let him swim on his own. You got him the job, but it's up to him to keep it now and if he can't do not step in to help in any way.

 

Also time for a makeover. It will boost your spirits as well to show up looking good and single. All of these things will help you move on faster. I won't chide you over work relationships gone bad. I've been there, we all know you are regretting it. What's done is done, it's time to move on and focus on your healing. That will get you to the other side far faster than regrets over a past you can't undo.

[Hollyj]

Of course, you can find a new job. Stop making excuses.

[Kate221]

Please dont judge my situation and leave unhelpful comments.

 

I work for a company which have one base in the county where I live. I trained for this job for many years and cannot afford to lose it as I need to support my further studying and pay my bills as I already explained.

 

I posted this looking for helpful comments because I am in a horrible situation and yours is unhelpful and uncalled for.

[Hollyj]

We're are not judging, but giving useful advice. Just because you don't like what you're hearing, doesn't mean it is judgmental.

 

I am sure that there is more than one company that can meet your needs.

[mhowe]

You are sounding like you want him to quit just because you helped him get the job and he doesn't have the same financial obligations you do. Sadly, life doesn't work that way and when a couple breaks up....the unspoken or even spoken agreements of how each will behave goes out the window.

 

He is working at work and leaving his personal life "at home". You need to do likewise.

[Kate221]

Its not that I dont like what I'm hearing its that its not helpful. I already said I cant leave my job.

 

I am studying part time and once I have that qualification I can change jobs but that wont be until 1 year. I have a contract with this company for 6 more months and it wouldnt look good for me if i broke it. I worked so hard for this job.

 

Its very complicated and if i could leave i would which is why Its unhelpful for people to tell me I'm making excuses. This is my livlihood I cant drop it all.

[Kate221]

Thanks for your post. Its helpful to know I'm not the only one going through this. I'm putting on a brave face at work its just really hard.

 

I cant leave this role until 6 months because of the contract I have. After then if things are no better I will find something else as my studies finish another 6 months after that.

[Hollyj]

Its not that I dont like what I'm hearing its that its not helpful. I already said I cant leave my job.

 

I am studying part time and once I have that qualification I can change jobs but that wont be until 1 year. I have a contract with this company for 6 more months and it wouldnt look good for me if i broke it. I worked so hard for this job.

 

Its very complicated and if i could leave i would which is why Its unhelpful for people to tell me I'm making excuses. This is my livlihood I cant drop it all.

 

You never said that you were contractually obligated.

[turnbaktime]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can definitely relate because I work with my ex too. It's pure hell to see him. I am constantly looking for another job with the same employer but different department. I hope things work out for you very soon.

[Kate221]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can definitely relate because I work with my ex too. It's pure hell to see him. I am constantly looking for another job with the same employer but different department. I hope things work out for you very soon.

 

Thank you. I'm sorry that you are too. I hope that you manage to find something soon.

[blanco]

Grin and bear it. There's really no other reasonable solution. It's no fun, but that's the caveat of getting romantically involved with a co-worker, especially in a smaller workplace.

 

It sounds like maybe you either didn't fully consider the ramifications of dating a co-worker or you were banking on him to actually leave his job if the relationship did end.

[abitbroken]

If you can't leave your job, then you ONLY talk to him when you HAVE TO on work related matters only. You don't talk to him outside of work, you don't text during work. You don't chit chat at work. But if you HAVE TO - like you have to attend the same meeting, you can address eachother in the meeting if it is necessary for your work roles, but you need do nothing more than that. That is doing no contact when you work with someone.

[abitbroken]

Please dont judge my situation and leave unhelpful comments.

 

I work for a company which have one base in the county where I live. I trained for this job for many years and cannot afford to lose it as I need to support my further studying and pay my bills as I already explained.

 

I posted this looking for helpful comments because I am in a horrible situation and yours is unhelpful and uncalled for.

 

It depends on how worth it is for you not to see him. If not seeing him is more worth to you than the job, then you leave it. If the job is more worth it, you have to grin and bear it.

[turnbaktime]

Thank you. I'm sorry that you are too. I hope that you manage to find something soon.

 

Thanks...I do too.

[sargon]

He always said if anything negatice happened between us he would leave.

 

That's a good one.

[T78]

Dear Kate. I saw this thread appear on the home screen and clicked on it and read through. You know, how it (for want of a better term) showcases recent posts / threads. That post actually encouraged me to join. I've never joined any forum like this before, am here out of boredom / despair. I'll keep my stuff out of your thread. But in reading yours, my insides were sharing your pain as I have a similar circumstance albeit a different origin of the breakup.

 

I (think I) fully (or at least partly) understand about your work circumstance as I'm going through a similar thing myself. You sound of university age, I'm much older! But I'm feeling a pain akin to a teenager! And... With overlapping stuff that's also stopping me and this no contact thing. I won't go into here, the detail of mine... As my circumstance impacts for a now half empty home too. But it's the work thing I'm interested in, as I have to face this, soon.

 

From your post, you've been quite modest with detail. You say he's been laughing and joking etc but what about your colleagues? Has it "gone public" yet? How are you holding up with that? It's so stressful thinking about when I go to work, how people will be with me, despite my brave face. How easy are you finding it to actually concentrate on your work? Sorry my reply is jumbled I'm in an earlier stage situation and not familiar with forums fully. Best wishes

[Kate221]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry that you are going through something similar.

 

Yes it has gone public and I'm just thankful that I have made some good work colleagues who distract me throughout the day. He has been in altercations with a few other co-workers so he wasnt always very popular anyway.

 

I cant tell from your post whether you work with your ex or not so sorry if some of my advice is irrelevant. The only thing I can advise is just to keep your head up high. It is really hard but you have to throw yourself into work. Avoid talking about that person or seeing them when possible. Dont let your work suffer as then you will end up in an even worse situation!

 

As for people knowing - if you arent close with colleagues be very vague with details and even say that you dont want to discuss it. Dont isolate yourself as distraction is healthy. act as though you are fine - even if you are hurting so bad. Sadly people will feed off a negative situation sometimes, I found that with a few people at my work but I just acted unfazed and they soon got bored of talking about it.

 

Use work as a distraction - thats the best thing I can say. You may think that people are talking about your situation but its just gossip that will grow old. If you need to 'announce' the news to people at work then maybe tell a trusted colleague and ask them to do it for you if you cant face it? Or just be honest and explain the situation in however much detail you want and just show that you are strong and moving forward.

 

You say that you are new to this site - I was recently and I've found it most beneficial at such a low point in my life. Maybe you should post your own thread as you said you didnt want to share details on this post? There are always people ready to talk and help.

 

I hope you are okay.

[Kate221]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry that you are going through something similar.

 

Yes it has gone public and I'm just thankful that I have made some good work colleagues who distract me throughout the day. He has been in altercations with a few other co-workers so he wasnt always very popular anyway.

 

I cant tell from your post whether you work with your ex or not so sorry if some of my advice is irrelevant. The only thing I can advise is just to keep your head up high. It is really hard but you have to throw yourself into work. Avoid talking about that person or seeing them when possible. Dont let your work suffer as then you will end up in an even worse situation!

 

As for people knowing - if you arent close with colleagues be very vague with details and even say that you dont want to discuss it. Dont isolate yourself as distraction is healthy. act as though you are fine - even if you are hurting so bad. Sadly people will feed off a negative situation sometimes, I found that with a few people at my work but I just acted unfazed and they soon got bored of talking about it.

 

Use work as a distraction - thats the best thing I can say. You may think that people are talking about your situation but its just gossip that will grow old. If you need to 'announce' the news to people at work then maybe tell a trusted colleague and ask them to do it for you if you cant face it? Or just be honest and explain the situation in however much detail you want and just show that you are strong and moving forward.

 

You say that you are new to this site - I was recently and I've found it most beneficial at such a low point in my life. Maybe you should post your own thread as you said you didnt want to share details on this post? There are always people ready to talk and help.

 

I hope you are okay.

[saluk]

Oh man Kate, I love that you are helping someone else out on your own thread! I have survived going to church with my ex and we made it through with our families and mutual friends all still friends with each other so it can be done. I wouldn't really recommend it though - it's worth keeping a lookout for other work opportunities that may arise. I know you really aren't looking to change that, but maybe something better will open up if you at least keep your eyes peeled for it. And if not, you can still do OK. Here is something that has helped me:

 

"To make matters worse I work alongside my ex. I am finding it very difficult as its impossible to go no contact with someone I have to see in the office. Everytime I go into work I am faced with him and I dont feel like I can go on like this anymore. He is happy and laughing and joking. He doesnt seem to care about my presence at all. I dont understand how it isnt hurtful for him too.

 

I dont go to work and act depressed. I put on a brave face."

 

In the first section you lament how well he is doing. In the second section you state that you essentially make an effort to look like you are also doing well. You never know how well he is doing, you only know how well he wants people to think he's doing - it's the same as you really. I'm sure it's not as easy for him as it seems. It was the same with my ex, everybody has to deal with it their own way. I think some people are really good at wearing a mask and just throwing themselves into appearing happy in hopes that it will make them happy on the inside.

 

At the same time, no contact (or very limited contact) is still possible. I work in a very small office myself, and I generally like everyone, but there are some people that I just never talk to one on one. I'm not close to them, we don't really interact much work wise, so I couldn't tell you much about them. And at church, there are definitely times where me and my ex just never speak. It gets weird sometimes, the effort we put into not crossing paths, but I've come to realize it's for the best. You just gotta do what you gotta do, and not worry so much about what other people might think. Even if they do think about you (which is probably less common than it feels like) it will only be for brief moments, and then they go back to worrying about their own crap The battleground is really in your own mind and emotions. If you can win the fight there, it will bleed out into the real world.

[Kate221]

Thanks saluk,

 

I think you are right in everything that you say. Things have became easier and lately and I'm getting used to seeing him everyday. We dont speak and people have stopped talking.

 

I hope that your situation is getting better. As you said to me - people are good at hiding their feelings and your ex is probably doing just that.