DespairofDave Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Hey guys, It was an incredibly difficult weekend and I could really use your help. Here is a "short" version of my story: My ex-girlfriend and I had met in college, fell madly in love and dated for right around 2 years. We were 21 and 26 at the time. I had never wanted to be involved in a relationship until I met her, and she made me feel things I never knew existed. But alas, she had to move back home and I had just graduated and would be starting a job on the other side of the country. We tried the whole long distance thing with her in New York and me in California. It went okay at the beginning but I honestly didn't put in enough effort in. It sounds ty, but at the time the last thing I wanted to do after a long days work was talk on the phone for an hour. I wish I could go back and change my behavior but I cant. This led to many fights and ultimately the end of our relationship (I broke up with her). We had broken up before, but not like this. That was about 3 months ago. Cut to 5 weeks ago. Shortly after my birthday we started talking and out of the blue she asked me if we could get back together and figure things out. I didn't say no, but I also didnt say yes. After that we stopped talking to each other altogether. Well last week I decided that I didn't want it to be like this. I still love her very much and I hated that she wasnt a part of my life anymore. So I text her an innocent enough "Thinking about you, hope everything is going well". No reply. A few days (and a few drinks) go by and I decide to let her know "how much I really miss her". This time she replies back. "I have a boyfriend Dave. I'm sorry, I cant". Cue punch to my stomach followed by body slam into reality. First of all, I can't believe that less than a month after asking me if we could get back together she already has a new boyfriend. I mean it'd be one thing if she was "seeing someone" but nope. Boyfriend. Devastated, I change my course of action and drunkly reply with something stupid like "Thats okay. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and im sorry for how things ended between us. Im glad youre happy tho. See you around". That was about 3 days ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. This is where I need your help Now obviously some of what I am feeling is due to jealousy. She has found someone else and clearly doesn't want anything to do with me. But the only reason I discovered this was because I missed her so much and wanted to reach out to her and tell her how I felt. So I clearly had feelings that may or may not have been amplified by my learning about her new relationship. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have never loved someone the way that I love this girl. No one has even come close to understanding me the way she does and I would do anything to win her back. Looking back on the reasons we broke up, I cant believe how stupid/lazy I was. I would give anything to talk with her for an hour everyday after work. I would fly out to visit her every chance I could. I would do everything differently but it feels like that ship might have sailed. I guess my question is: what do you guys think I should do? I was so close to reaching out to her this weekend and telling her how I felt. Telling her that I owe it to myself to fight for a love this strong. Admitting that a lot of our problems were my fault. That she did everything she could to keep us together and I let it all slip away. Confessing that not a day has gone by in the last 3 months where I haven't thought about her. But I didn't. I waited because I wasn't sure if that was the right decision and I'm still not sure. Please help me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I would stop thinking about what you owe yourself and give a moments thought to what you owe her. You broke off the long distance relationship. Fair enough...but #1 heartbreak for her She reached out and asked if it would be possible to try again. You did not say yes. #2 heartbreak for her. Do you seriously think she has any need for a 3 try with you. Leave her alone and be happy for her. You haven't been in her life in a while...she was perhaps checking to see if there was a chance with you and you didn't take her offer, so ahe gave this guy the green light. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 She is too far away to maintain a relationship. It's done. It's time to move on and get over it. Stop drinking and block her/ignore her going forward. You need absolutely no contact so that you can start the healing process and get over her. It's going to take time (few months). Keep away from alcohol, often and in time it only makes things worse. Rather than putting poison into your body you should actually be focusing on healthy diet and physical activity. I usually highly recommend that for anyone, especially while breaking up. Keep the thoughts of her away when they come up. Divert them and think of other things. This is important, thought management. In time, you WILL feel better and hopefully be ready for a new relationship (keep this one close ehh?). Relationships NEED daily/regular basis IN PERSON involvement (as you have learned). Long distance simply kills ANY kind of relationships. Don't ask how I know, lost my entire family/friends due to distance. And although I can go back and see them, and chances are it will be like the time has stood still......it's just NOT the same as them being part of my life on regular basis. Link to comment
MovieGuy18 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 This is difficult, especially because of the distance between you and her. I would say leave her alone for now but make it clear that you still care about her by sending her texts once and a while and try to start building communication again. Don't rush things, let her make the choice to start building a relationship again or not. I think that she obviously had interest in this other guy before she asked if you two could try again, and you should have said yes if she is as important as you say, but what's done is done, and only she can make the choice to come back now. Just let her know that you are still here for her and that you care, message her once and a while asking how she is, and eventually try to talk on the phone with her again. You have to start things over from scratch, show her that you are the guy she fell for, but even better now. This other guy has nothing on you right now, she is using him to recover. Just don't bring him up in conversations. If she talks to you about him, tell her that you don't want to hear about it because the relationship between you two is more important to you. If she takes that badly, then cut off contact completely and if she decides she wants you, she will contact you. Link to comment
DespairofDave Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 I had a feeling these were the kinds of answers I would receive, and you both make good points. I know that I should probably take your advice and move on but I simply cant. I wont. Yes, I broke up with her and yes I didn't get back together with her when she asked. But thats not the full story. When she asked if we could get back together I was jumping for joy. I missed her so much and thought of her constantly. I wanted to say yes right then and there but I couldn't - because of how much I love her. I didn't want us to fall back into the same long distance slump. I have only ever wanted her to be happy. I thought that she deserved better and I still think she does. But the only thing that has changed between now and then is my understanding of just how hard I will fight for her. If she asked me to move to New York to be with her, I would do it. I don't care about losing my job or all of the money I have saved. I don't care if I have to live out of my car. I love this girl with every fiber of my being and I would do anything to show her that...my only fear is that I am too late. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 What's changed. You're still long distance and sounds like no hope of that resolving itself soon. Jumping on a plane after giving up your job is a pipe dream. So even if she didn't have a boyfriend there's still no real possibility of a future here. You told her how you feel and she rejected it. Time to let this go and move on. Link to comment
DespairofDave Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 But I haven't told her how I feel. The last time we talked all I said was "I really miss you [insert name]" to which she replied "I have a boyfriend Dave. Im sorry, I cant" Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 f The only thing that has changed is you found out she had a boyfriend. You could have said "yes dear, I want that more than words can express but I need some time to rearrange my life and career to make it happen". Alas, you did not say that. So she hung up, knowing nothing has changed. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Think about if you and she were still together. Would you appreciate it if some ex of hers kept texting her telling her he still loved her and was hoping she'd give him another chance? If you can't respect her, at least respect the fact that she's in a relationship. Or vice versa. Next time, don't wait to realize the value of what you have until after it's already gone. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Well if you are really bound and determined call her tell her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her and that you'll di whatever she needs to make her happy. Just be prepared for the rejection. But if you love her as much as you say, what's stopping you??? Link to comment
DespairofDave Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 I guess the only thing stopping me is what my post should have really been about: what is the best way for me to go about this? I do respect the fact that she is with someone else, and as much as I don't want to be that guy I also don't want to lose the love of my life by sitting idly by. That being said, I dont know how to bring this up with her. I dont know how I could possible convey everything I am feeling into words. Lets say that I call her tonight...where do I start? Obviously she needs to know how sorry I am for everything. How much I still love her. That I never once stopped loving her and the only reason I didn't get back together with her was because I was afraid that I might not be enough. I was afraid that we might slip back into our "long distance habbits". Afraid that she might grow to resent me. But now the only thing I am afraid of is that I might never get the chance to show her the love she deserves. I made the mistake of not fighting hard enough in the past, but there is not one I am going to make again. That being said, I also dont want to come off as too intense. I am blinded by the love that I feel for her and I just don't know where to start/what is appropriate anymore. Thanks for all the help so far guys and I am sorry if this isn't terribly well written - I am at work right now and have to be quick with my responses. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I had a feeling these were the kinds of answers I would receive, and you both make good points. I know that I should probably take your advice and move on but I simply cant. I wont. Go ahead and waste your time then..... You are trying to steal a girl from another man at this point. Think about it, even if you are successful, do you REALLY want the type of girl that leaves her boyfriend for another man? Do you think she won't do it to you in the future? You are thinking with your heart, use your brain. Your feelings are completely irrelevant and worthless, HER feelings is what's important. And she no longer loves you, moved on and is involved with someone else. You DO NOT respect her OR her relationship by reaching out even though she told you that she is no longer interested. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 You can't "date" her from California any longer. Why should she believe that you are all of a sudden capable of long distance...that was the cause of the first break up. Are you prepared to quit your job and move to NY? Put up or shut up. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Not fighting hard enough? Fighting whom? You quit because it wasn't working into your schedule! Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I do respect the fact that she is with someone else, and as much as I don't want to be that guy I also don't want to lose the love of my life by sitting idly by. Actually you dont respect the fact she's with someone else or you would not be trying to figure out how to win her back! You ARE that guy! You need so let this go, she's moved on and the ship has sailed. You can't make her want you again especially now that she's with someone else. You have lost the love of your life, but you know what? You get over this, you move on, give yourself some time and you will find another girl who becomes the love of your life, and hopefully she lives near you. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 You're not caring about her feelings or about what she wants. All you're caring about is what YOU want. She gave you two chances. TWO! And your answers were "no" and "not yes". Never "I love you and I want to work this out. How about I move closer to you so we can make this work?" Nope, your answers were "no" and "not yes". She has moved on because YOU didn't tell her how you felt. Time for you to show her some real respect and let her alone to move on. Link to comment
DespairofDave Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Thanks for the responses guys. I appreciate those of you who took the time to really understand the position I am in. Many of you just seem full of spite and didn't listen to what I was really trying to say. I know I have messed up in the past. I regret a lot of the decisions I made and how I handled certain aspects of our relationship. But I love this girl with all of my heart and I don't want to wonder what might have happened if I had said something. I don't understand why so many of you seemed so utterly against telling the woman I love how I really feel. Maybe she knows this already, maybe she doesnt. I have made the decision to call her later tonight. The only purpose of the call will be to let her know that I never stopped loving her and express just how sorry I am for letting our relationship get to this point in the first place. To let her know that she means the world to me and that I will always be here for her. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 How you handled certain aspects of the relationship? Like finding nightly calls annoying? Like not telling her you loved her when she asked if there was a chance to reconcile? Good luck. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Well did u call her? What was her response? Link to comment
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