I didn't expect to like him as much as I do

[SoulTaker]

He's not some 28 year old stud. He's kind of dorky, skinny, balding, was hurt badly by his childhood sweetheart and has thrown himself into work. He's quiet, mild mannerred, no player. Yes he does want casual sex with me, but no that doesn't mean he has 10 other people on the go because he's not the type of guy who could pull that off even if he wanted. If anything...he's kind of a little arkward and not very experienced. I think that was what I was trying to say.

 

He has told me that if we fell in love, he would want a relationship and that we would find a way. He says I think too much, and should just enjoy spending time together and see where we are at.

 

You know what they say, "appearances can be deceiving". The most dangerous person, is the one you least expect. Don't let his unappealing looks, and "sad childhood" mislead you. Go by what he does.

 

Make no mistake, this guy is in control of this so-called FWB situation. He knows exactly what he's doing. That quote "enjoy spending time together and see where we at", is a player's quote. It means absolutely nothing as far as future direction.

 

As DoF has stated, you are the gatekeeper. You should be the one controlling this situation. He should be begging you to be in a relationship. It's time for you to right the ship, and have him play by your rules. If you want a relationship and he doesn't, then either tell him you're moving on to find some one who has the same goals as you, or stay casual with him (like a true FWB), while at the same time continuing to date others. It's none of his business what you do when you're not around him.

 

This "let's be exclusive, and not date others" is nonsense if the goal is not LTR. Stop playing his game, and start playing your own.

[emmajane1987]

All really good points, but SoulTaker, something about this post resonates. What is ultimately bothering me I that I do feel like he is making the rules.

 

I am kind of somehow "going along with it" it ways I can't explain but I suppose right now he has what he wants...I'm his fantasy girl...and he has me, and he has just the parts of me he wants as it suits him. He gets to call me when he wants to and disappear when he doesn't want to. He get to have sex whenever he likes. He gets to have basically all his own needs fulfilled and some of mine (emotionally) are not being fullfilled.

 

It makes me feel bad if he goes days without calling me. I want him to do simple "boyfriend" stuff like say "goodmorning" every day and check in to see how I am doing. I want to feel like it works both ways instead of just his. When he doesn't call me for two days then sends me an SMS to say "I need to feel you", it makes me feel dirty. I don't want that. And he gets away with doing it because we have expressly said "FWB" so he has no obligation.

 

It feels wrong, because as everyone has said...if he wants just FWB then I can date other people. I don;t need to see him every weekend. I don't need to be his date to parties.

 

This makes me feel for sure off kilter.

 

I think what I am going to do is to see him again, spend same proper time together, likely over the weekend and just discuss all of this and let him know about my change of heart and also what my needs are if he want to continue getting to know each other and spending more time dating.

 

If he doesn't want to do that, I guess it's my answer.

 

Reading this has highlighted really in my head that the real problem is that for all intents and purpses he acts like we are dating, except wehn it doesn;t suit him to do so, and that's kind of unfair on me.

[emmajane1987]

Also someone asked upthread...

 

I haven't known him for three weeks...we have been romantically involved for three weeks but he has been asking me out / communicating on a daily basis with me since before Chsirtmas last year.

 

I know him pretty well...we have been friends on facebook all that time. I kind of know his movements and have never seen him with girls. He is more the "play golf" type.

[Batya33]

I like your idea of talking to him but I would not use any victim type statements or that it is not fair to you - it takes two to tango and you've done plenty of sex buddy tangoing- take full responsibility for your choices and I would simply tell him that you realized you're not comfortable playing at being a couple.

[Sportster2005]

Hello all.

 

 

What I have realised though, is that despite the complications, I do want a relationship with him.

 

 

Then do it. Nothing is more important in life.

[emmajane1987]

Yes, ok. I will phrase it as best I can but will explain to him the basics so he gets what is going on in my head.

 

I do want a relationship with him, and I agree nothing is more important in life.

 

If he doesn't feel the same way I'll make way for someone who does.

 

I guess there is a real possibility he sees me as just sex, and not relationship material.

[reinventmyself]

There is no right answer for this. What matters is what works for you. Some can do this, some can't.

I can't separate my head from my body. . Therefore I can't do fwb.

I wish I could! It would actually be perfect for my lifestyle but I accept that I am the way I am.

 

This is my theory of fwb:

Relationships, whatever they may be are living, moving, growing things.

It's close to impossible to keep a relationship status quo whether it's with a coworker, neighbor or fwb from evolving or deepening when you spend enough time with them.

 

These all run their courses. It's just way it is.

So if you are ok with things the way they are . . today, then go for it.

It may change. . for the better or not.

There is always a risk of some sort getting close to someone.

The stakes are higher once you take your clothes off.

[Dottieflanogon]

FWB relationship is no longer just FWB once one party develops feelings for one another.Talk to him. express your feelings to him, ask him if he's interested in dating you? If doesn't feel the same then you'll know and move on to someone who will provide what you're looking for

[IAmFCA]

It is imperative you practice speaking your needs. It feels huge to you, but it's really simple.

 

Babe, do you think we could text good morning or something similar? I like having a more steady thread of connection.

[SoulTaker]

It's good that you know what's going on. Now, you have to change it. You are not dating him. He already has you in his fantasy relationship, with you wrapped around his finger. And his friends do know what's going on.

 

All of this happened because you let your guard down, as far as you controlling the situation. Talk to him in a "position of strength", and not of need. Don't tell him what you want from him. Tell him what you want for yourself, regardless of whether it is with him, or someone else. If you're now ready to look for a relationship (and not casual), then just say that enough time has past where your plans have changed to looking for a LTR. Since, that isn't what he's looking for, you will have to move on.

 

Now, you're the one that is in control, and he has to re-think how he's going to treat you. If he acts like all he has to do is just tell you that it's now a relationship, then you have your answer (move on). Remember, you can't force a relationship. Both persons have to have the same goal. The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with someone who's doing it in order to stay with you. It has to be genuine. Be prepared to walk away from this situation, if need be.

[reinventmyself]

Great advise. Not for just this scenario, but life in general.

Talk to him in a "position of strength", and not of need. Don't tell him what you want from him. Tell him what you want for yourself, regardless of whether it is with him, or someone else.

[emmajane1987]

Thanks all of you for the incredible advice.

 

SoulTaker, that in paticular really hit home for me, and I am going to read it a lot of times and really try and think about who I am and why this situaiton is affecting me as it has and what I need to remember to put myself into that position of strenght - because I definitely feel out of it.

 

I have a date with him tomorrow night. I feel quite nervous about going right in guns blazing, so I am going to gently feel the situation out. I wanted to start off by maybe letting him know that as fars as I am concerned a relationship is no longer off the table. Then leave him with that to toss around his head until our next date when I will try and get myself into a better position.

 

I feel a sense in my gut that he is not as "into me" as perhaps I would like, and maybe that is what caused me to post here.

 

If it's okay, I will update after tomorrows date. He's staying over so we should get some time to talk.

 

I really appreciate all of you. Your words have helped me to clariffy my thoughts a bit.

[IAmFCA]

OP I look forward to your follow up post. good luck!

[emmajane1987]

Update:

 

Not the bravest update but I did sort of make some progress. It didn't feel the right time or moment (or needed) to come to him as SoulTaker had suggested, but it felt like perhaps a natural step forward.

 

We had our date and it was a lot of fun. A lot of smiling and eye staring and hand holding and forehead kissing and speaking only from my gut instead of my brain it felt like we were both happy and in the first stages of a relationship.

 

He came out with "it took you long enough to notice me!" and I responded by letting him know that although the age thing bothered me hugely beforehand it wasn't an issue anymore for me and he was very happy to hear that and hugged and kissed me.

 

Me saying that seemed to encourage him to open up a bit more and we talked about meeting each other's friends. He actually raised the topic with me and said "so if you introduce me to your friends...what are you introducing me as? A friend..fwb...or the man you're dating?".

 

I said it would be the latter and he was smiling from ear to ear and really happy about that and he said he thought that described us better but that he ws sorry for asking me to put a label on it. He said it just felt right on more than just a phsyical level for him. He also said in his mind a future wasn't off the table, and I said the same.

 

So I suppose that was kind of a good / happy moment where we both gave away feelings and thoughts and a little bit and I felt like pushing further for demands and expectations was ill timed. I was planning to give him (and me) a couple of weeks now to digest that we're kind of potentially growing into a relationship here and to maybe think about what it is I want (and he wants) and to make sure my own terms and needs are also met.

 

I was a bit more quietly observant of him. He's not a person who plays with his phone and texts a lot. He's a little shy. He waits to feel me out first before he gives anything away. I don't think he is a frivilous person.

 

The last man I loved was all hearts and flowers and wild passion and love letters from day one and I get that this man isn't like that and that's ok. I like his subtletey.

 

I do want to think a lot about what SoulTaker said and figure out what it is I want, or if perhaps I might already be getting it slowly without needing to ask.

 

It didn't seem the right time (or necessary) to demand commitment or some kind of future from him but I think maybe in a week or two the time might be right to have that conversation. At the moment, we have space in our lives to see each other once a week. It feels enough?

 

He did mention a bit his lack of texting between meetings and he said really he's not much of a texter and he will try better to do what makes me happy. He essentially said he's not going anywhere.

 

It feels like progress?

 

His eyes, when I looked at them, seemed to tell me that he feels what I do.

[Batya33]

Progress- yes. Never demand commitment -would it feel good if someone agreed to your demands? If you want to ask for a commitment then sure but I would not have that kind of mindset -also implies a sort of power dynamic not consistent with a healthy relationship.

 

That's good that you can see him once a week. If it is to be long term you'll both have to make more time to see each other.

[emmajane1987]

Yes I know we would have to. To facilitate that it would mean incorporating each other into our daily lives (for example me coming to his soccer matches) and we can make that all happen; but it will take a bit more time. It's such early days.

 

No I didn't feel right demanding commitment. I felt as if the things I wanted from him, he was giving freely without need for me to make demands and that felt much nicer and more natural.

 

I definitely feel more positive and like he is open to a future, which is really what I wanted to know. I suppose I need to have that exact conversation...but three weeks feels too early? How would he even be able to answer?

[SoulTaker]

Yes I know we would have to. To facilitate that it would mean incorporating each other into our daily lives (for example me coming to his soccer matches) and we can make that all happen; but it will take a bit more time. It's such early days.

 

No I didn't feel right demanding commitment. I felt as if the things I wanted from him, he was giving freely without need for me to make demands and that felt much nicer and more natural.

 

I definitely feel more positive and like he is open to a future, which is really what I wanted to know. I suppose I need to have that exact conversation...but three weeks feels too early? How would he even be able to answer?

 

I'm not sure where this "commitment" stuff is coming from? It didn't come from me. What I stated is that you met this man with the goal of dating "casual", and now you did a 180 degree turn and now want a LTR. This can be confusing to the other person, so it's good to state your new goal in dating (clear things up). You're not demanding anything from him, and you shouldn't.

 

I said it would be the latter and he was smiling from ear to ear and really happy about that and he said he thought that described us better but that he ws sorry for asking me to put a label on it. He said it just felt right on more than just a phsyical level for him. He also said in his mind a future wasn't off the table, and I said the same.

 

He has also stated that he wasn't looking for a relationship. So now, we have two people who both didn't want a relationship at the beginning. You have changed, but he hasn't. He's doing a nice job of saying "sweet nothings", telling you what you want to hear. What he didn't say is that the two of you are now in a relationship.

 

What is he waiting for? He has been chasing you for over a year. He's finally caught you, and all he can say is "a future wasn't off the table". You have made it too fat and comfortable for him. If I want to be with someone long term, I'm not going to leave her in the "dating stage", so someone else can swoop in and get her. I'm going to take care of my business right away. Don't do relationship things, if you're not in a relationship. It's up to you to know which things you will do while dating, and which things you will only do when in a relationship.

 

He had the "exclusivity talk" with me and said he won't be seeing anyone else. That he just wants it to be us. That he doesn't want me to date anyone else, but he understands he can't stop me.

 

Me saying that seemed to encourage him to open up a bit more and we talked about meeting each other's friends. He actually raised the topic with me and said "so if you introduce me to your friends...what are you introducing me as? A friend..fwb...or the man you're dating?".

 

Yeah, right. All I see is the word "dating"....

[lilygirl]

I think this is great news! I would let things continue to unfold as they are meant to. You have made progress already, what started as a sitting on the fence fwb situation has now moved on to dating. I know it can be hard to not get bogged down in all the details about the future, commitment, etc but these are early days, take your time, and enjoy each other's company.

[IAmFCA]

This is everything I would want if I were in your shoes. I'm not a big fan of future talk, until the future is now. Meaning, I am moving, I want to be pregnant or adopt, I am becoming unclear or uncomfortable socially or with our relationship. Otherwise, nobody knows the future, other than Yes, I don't rule it out. And folks who rule it out sometimes rule it back in rather than lose an SO. So, what's the point. It will come when it supposed to be here.

 

Also, many significant conversations are short and sweet, like yours. Nicely done and no drama.

 

Now, relax!

[IAmFCA]

They have to be "dating" so as to start somewhere. Remember, she threw him back a few steps not very long ago. I like this idea of dating first. Hell I'd like to date the rest of my life, even if I am dating my H.

 

My guy is dating me now, but I can tell he feels boyfriendy by how he behaves. It's still dating until we're engaged. In fact I rather dislike the term bf altogether.

[SoulTaker]

They have to be "dating" so as to start somewhere. Remember, she threw him back a few steps not very long ago. I like this idea of dating first. Hell I'd like to date the rest of my life, even if I am dating my H.

 

My guy is dating me now, but I can tell he feels boyfriendy by how he behaves. It's still dating until we're engaged. In fact I rather dislike the term bf altogether.

 

ITIC, normally I agree with dating first. The problem is that they're already doing just about everything that relates to a relationship.

 

At the same time though he's incredibly affectionate, he wants to cook for me, spend the day kissing on the couch and watching movies, he wants to help fix things in my house and he wants me to meet his friends and all that stuff. I am just struggling now a lot with what feels like blurred lines between a friend with benefits and a relationship.

 

What good is dating going to do for this particular couple? I know that the Op isn't happy with my last update, but I just want her to keep on her toes, and take some control over things. Don't just react to whatever he says. Continue to enjoy being with him, but have a timeline in place for achieving her goal (relationship).

[emmajane1987]

Thanks all....

 

SoulTaker I am litening very carefully and it's good advice. I agree we need to have a common goal, I just think maybe leave it a few weeks before feeling like I need to firmly discuss that. Or even think about it myself. I am a way off knowing for sure I want to build a relationship. I really just didn't want to feel like meaningless sex to him and no longer feel like I am.

 

I'm feeling a bit lonely, bit emotional, bit delicate for whatever reason at the moment! It does worry me in a sense that we are in diferrent places in our lives and that maybe I want to settle down and he might want to wait 10 years. Of course that's a concern, but I thought I would set myself a goal of spending some tie with him and figuring out if I want him 100% before even worrying too much about the future.

 

I can't help feeling like I have been with the guy wo was the perfect age, perfect place in his life and that didn't work out so maybe we don't have control of these things.

 

It's hard to put my finger on why, but for whatever reason this person makes me feel a certain way that I like. Peaceful, safe, happy, protected, relaxed and all that and he seems to take my ups and downs and emotional nature in his stride. Maybe having that, even for a few months, might be nice? I would like to think, if we fall in love and form a deep attachment that the age gap won't matter.

 

The thing that really is odd, is that he feels older than me.

 

I am going to keep a close observation on how I feel about things and will talk to him as time rolls on.

[Batya33]

Remember -he might find it easier to be tolerant of your emotional side/flaws (we all have them I mean!) because he knows he is not committed to you and he knows you know that. Of course there's a part of searching for a mate that is not within our control but a lot of it is, too. It is within our control to avoid getting attached to people who do not want a relationship with us. That might not be him -giving it a few weeks is more than ok -but feeling you have to "demand" a commitment is already an answer to your question as to whether he wants one -if that's really how you feel in a few weeks -that you would have to "demand" then do not bother IMO. I do think it's fine to give an ultimatum "I want a committed relationship, you don't so if you change your mind you know where to find me and if I am still interested and available we can talk then".

 

I think you're a very self- aware person and very articulate -don't use your power with words to indulge in rationalizing -stay honest with yourself about your goals.

[SoulTaker]

It's hard to put my finger on why, but for whatever reason this person makes me feel a certain way that I like. Peaceful, safe, happy, protected, relaxed and all that and he seems to take my ups and downs and emotional nature in his stride.

 

It's called a "relationship".

 

Remember -he might find it easier to be tolerant of your emotional side/flaws (we all have them I mean!) because he knows he is not committed to you and he knows you know that. Of course there's a part of searching for a mate that is not within our control but a lot of it is, too. It is within our control to avoid getting attached to people who do not want a relationship with us.

 

Batya has stated what I was trying to confer. There's a raised level of responsibility that comes with a relationship. He "talks the talk". We'll now see if he "walks the walk". Only time will tell.

[emmajane1987]

Back again and hoping for some more advice.

 

The status of us is that we had that wonderful date and night together and I felt very comforted and like we were moving forward; but then this weekend I was with family and he was with friends so we didn't see each other and I haven't really hard from him at all.

 

More to the point, I was actually quite ill...and felt a bit like I needed a virtual hug and he was quite dismissive/ uninterested and just sent me an "aww" and an emoticon.

 

I really do feel, I need to figure out my own head here...because I suppose if I am honest with myself I don't want to share my bed with someone who can;t muster phonecall to check on me if I'm not feeling well.

 

I;m quite tearful, feel a bit of a fool and don't know how to handle this.

 

I was thinking a lot about what SoulTaker said and I do agree with everyone that demending or expecting commitment is not where I am at or what I even want myself right now - but I feel confused over how this guy expects to neglect me emotionally (or at least from my perspective it feels tht way) and then walk into my bed as if nothing happenned.

 

I am not sure how to verbalise this...but "commitment" or a "future" isn't what I am talkign about -I am talking about him being here, NOW, when or if I need him. And if we're apart and I ahve a bad day it would be good to feel like he cared about that.

 

I just have no idea how to organise this thought pattern in my mind but I feel so down and so alone and so stupid for all this