I didn't expect to like him as much as I do

[mhowe]

You are sick....not incapacitated. Do you want him to act like your mother, offer to bring chicken soup? You were off with family. What was the expected response?

[emmajane1987]

I think the expected response was maybe "what's wrong?" or to enquire what I was sick with? Or to just seem bothered or caring.

 

I really lost perspective on what to expect to be honest, but can only say it made me feel like he didn't care at all about me

[mhowe]

I'm sorry, but if you tell someone you're sick, and don't elaborate then they would assume you have a cold. Which isn't exactly life threatening. It isn't that he doesn't care. There really isn't much to say beyond...a www, hope you feel better.

[emmajane1987]

Okay mhowe. I apprecite that feedback. This must be something inside me going on making me feel more needy than I should be. Perhaps it's the situation itself.

[Batya33]

"this guy expects to neglect me emotionally (or at least from my perspective it feels tht way) and then walk into my bed as if nothing happenned."

 

Because you agree to have sex with him without a commitment which is fine but why shouldn't he expect what you appear to be OK with?

 

Sure it would have been nice for him to behave in a more concerned way. I think you're reacting that way because you don't want to want more from him, but you do.

[mhowe]

I don't equate not asking what you are ill with to emotional neglect. That is one HUGGGGGEEEEE stretch.

[emmajane1987]

Yeah, you know...I do want more.

 

I guess kind of truthfully everyone is diferrent but for me I can't sleep with someone who doesn't feel the need to check in once a day. He didn't text or call today at all. It's just not going to work for me.

 

I'm re-reading what soultaker wrote to me, because I am really in a position of strength really because I don't have to stay in a situation which is less than what I want. I guess it's down to me to look at what behavior in someone I am seeing / dating / whatever with and if this person doesn't want to give it I guess find someone who does.

 

It's not about commitment or neglect or anything else really beyond me just wanting some sign I am on his mind on days we don't see each other. That can be a 10 second text or a quick call or anything at all really but he doesn't give that. He doesn't want that level of intimacy and I do.

 

He wants to see me and have the bits of a relationship he wants and I guess I forgot to ask myself which bits I want.

 

I am going to have to take action because this has dragged me down emotionally.

[SoulTaker]

It goes back to what I mentioned earlier, that going from "casual" to "relationship" can be very difficult, especially with the two of you acting like a couple. It would be ideal to start over again and date him, but that's difficult to do at this time.

 

You're now looking at him differently, evaluating him with a LTR in mind. On the other hand, he might still be acting "casual". Is he aware that the game has changed? There could be a disconnect between the two of you. The challenge is in getting both of you on the same page (if he cares to do so).

 

You being sick is a good example. What did he do in the past when you were ill (if it happened)? Are you expecting more from him now then you would have been, if you were sick in the past?

[emmajane1987]

Yeah...I agree with you SoulTaker.

 

He was just a real *** to me actually. He sends me a message to ask me when he can see me again, like he's forgotten we had weekend plans and says he will let me know.

 

I know I've just not got it in me to deal with that total lack of being bothered. It's not worth it to expect so little for myself.

 

I just want someone who makes me a priority and this guy is all amazing when he's with me (or wants sex) but kind of dismissive and uninterested outside of that and I think that has been my problem. My gut is telling me he's not putting enough effort in like you would if you lie a girl.

 

I think to be honest, after that, I am just going to walk away.

 

It's not really what I am into

[Batya33]

It's very hard to go from a casual sex arrangement to a relationship so I think that's what you're experiencing now.

[emmajane1987]

Yeah. It took me so long to agree to it because I never really wanted it in the first place.

 

This isn't what I want. I cancelled the weekend plans and am going to give it a few days and then let him know I am done with it when I feel less emotional about it.

 

It;s not for me. Like Soultaker said it's about what I want...not what I need....and this is what HE wants. Not me. Was never truly what I ever wnated.

[SoulTaker]

Yeah. It took me so long to agree to it because I never really wanted it in the first place.

 

This isn't what I want. I cancelled the weekend plans and am going to give it a few days and then let him know I am done with it when I feel less emotional about it.

 

It;s not for me. Like Soultaker said it's about what I want...not what I need....and this is what HE wants. Not me. Was never truly what I ever wnated.

 

Emmajane, just to be clear, no one on this forum is telling you to leave him. We're only stating for you to be in control of what you want for your life, and not live your life through him.

 

You enjoyed being with him in a FWB setup, but it looks like that's no longer how you want to live your life. You're now ready to look for something more stable, but you don't know if he fits the bill. You don't seem to feel that he's relationship material? Is that is correct, then the question is what do you see in him, that is telling you that he's not the one for you? Is it your instincts, his mannerisms, attitude, lack of commitment,....? You don't have to list them, I'm just throwing that out there.

[emmajane1987]

Hey SoulTaker

 

I wouldn't end it with him because I felt someone online told me to. It's more because the situation makes me feel bad. I want someone who is committed to me, someone who remembers our plans, someone who calls to check in. I don't want to start off a relationship compromising on those things, even if it has led from an initial sexual setup it has become more than that. I looked over our texts and a week ago we made plans for this weekend, including details of when and where to meet and today he had completely forgotten. I feel like I have to shoot for better than that for myself - even with a friend with benefits and I feel like the situation traps me.

 

I am a friend with benefits so what right do I have to complain about flaky plans?

But my heart is hurt, so that's the reality I can't escape.

 

I wanted more from him than he feels he wants to give.

 

I did enoy being with him when I was with him, but in the times in between it also brought me angst and a feeling of uncertainty which was not pleasant. I am certain from my perspective he is relationship material and I want to be with him and to date him - hven't felt this sure I wnated a man for a long time - but not on these terms where I give up so many of the things I want just to fit someone else's idea of life.

 

I did end it with him. I didn;t even mention that he had forgotten our date.

 

All he said was that he was sad and didn't understand and didn't want it to be over. He said to me "why can't you just enjoy it, even if it's brief it is amazing?" so I feel like he doesn't grasp (or want to grasp) that it's not amazing for me, just for him, and that a big part of me is left wanting and sad over it. His response also showed me I guess that he still sees it as something brief, and what a sad way to start things off.

 

I didn't go into being upset about the forgotten weekend together, so I just told him that friends with benefits is not for me, that we don't want the same things. I don't think, in fairness, that he knows what the heck he wants.

 

He is texting me "I have had friends with benefits before, but never like this. Not like it is with you and me". So I guess there is a part of him that feels a little more? I hope so anyway. I would be sad to think I was only sex to him when I felt so much.

 

Either way, I want to believe (and act in the belief) that I am worthy of love and respect and courtesy and affection and care and all the things I sometimes feel are missing and if he can't / doesn't want to step up to the plate then he should get out of the way and let me look for the guy who does.

 

I do feel really sad, shed a few tears, but also feel a bit weight off because I know I have done the right thing

[SoulTaker]

He is texting me "I have had friends with benefits before, but never like this. Not like it is with you and me". So I guess there is a part of him that feels a little more? I hope so anyway. I would be sad to think I was only sex to him when I felt so much.

 

Interesting. So, I was right about him being a "wolf in sheep's clothing". The way he talked, it came out like he had done this before, despite how you described him.

 

For the past year a younger man, 28, has been asking me out and I have been saying "no" because of the age gap. I am his crush I suppose and he's been quietly determined because he has felt there was something between us. He's honest, caring and a good guy who doesn't sleep around and perhaps is not the best with women. In the time I have known him he's not dated anyone else. Over that time though I guess we became quite close as friends and one thing led to another and in a moment of weakness I ended up in bed with him.

 

His mannerisms and action, didn't seem to match your earlier take on him.

[emmajane1987]

I don't know SoulTaker. I can't say that I do. I can only work off my gut and the information at hand.

 

My gut tells me (along with all the time I have known him) that this guy is a good person. He long ago accepted he and I would never be a "thing". I said no for so long that we'd become some sort of friends and he did tell me what was happennign in his life. He told e when he was nervous because his ex GF who broke his heart a few years back was in town - he told me when he slept with her - he has told me about another girl he liked. He's been pretty honest, or at least if he hasn't I see no pattern or anythign he has had to gain as the stories he's given me are less than flaterring.

 

He seems not great with women, he's been really badly hurt in the past and is afraid to have a proper girlfriend. That is not to say the reason he does not want ME as his girlfriend is that (I imagine if I was the right girl he would overcome that) but I believe he is looking for FWB because he thinks if he doesn't get too close he can't get too hurt.

 

This is the vibe I get from everything he has ever said to me an the way he acts and behaves. If I look at it logically he had no reason to tell me he wanted FWB..he could have lied or played the part to get me into bed and he never did.

 

I think though that perhaps he lies to himself and there is the bigger problem. HE craves intimacy, but is too afraid to follow it through. He does not want FWB. He wants a relationship, albeit a part time one, but certainly one where there is affection and dates and time spent together and romance and trips and cuddles and he is creating a lie or fantasy world for himself where there is a girl who can provide this for him.

 

I think he has to accept three options:

 

1. Casual sex

2. A relationship

3. Celibacy

 

What he wants is somewhere between 1 & 2 and that't not fair to anyone.

[Batya33]

"He seems not great with women, he's been really badly hurt in the past and is afraid to have a proper girlfriend."

 

I would get off this psychological analysis ASAP -leads down a counterproductive path of you getting more attached, rationalizing, etc - waste of your time and increases the temptation to deflect from what you might want to do differently next time and the boundaries you might want to have. And anyway of course wanting a combo of 1-2 might be perfectly compatible with many people -you have no idea what arrangements people work out in their personal relationship that feel fair/ work for them.

 

The only relevant point here is that he does not want a relationship with you (for whatever reason -who cares since you already know you did nothing wrong/didn't offend him) and you want a relationship in general or the potential for one. Simply put you 2 want different things so both of you go find someone you can play nicely in the sandbox with.

 

The "why" is irrelevant and potentially harmful to your future success in finding suitable people to date/get involved with. He is looking for a casual sex arrangement for you because just like everyone people move towards pleasure and away from pain - the arrangement he wants with you suits him more than it has downsides. It doesn't work for you. No biggie. It's not because he was hurt in the past/stubbed his toe/got yelled at by his mommy when he pooped his pants in kindergarten. At least, for your upside -you need to tell yourself that and not try to analyze.

[SoulTaker]

I agree with Batya, in that you're over-thinking about this guy. You let him get too much inside your head. Trying to figure him out is a fool's game.

 

The more a woman goes on and on about past relationships, the less interest I have in her being a quality date. If a person has their act together, then why the need to talk about their past. You're dating them, not their past.

 

The bottom line is that he had the chance to date you straight up, and didn't do so. A man who has his act together will say very little, if nothing about his past relationships, other than his marital status, even if he's a friend.

[emmajane1987]

Yes guys, I hear you. I gave him a chance to be with me and he didn't take it. That's all the information I needed.

 

Will lick my wounds, cry and little and then get back out there and look for someone I feel this way about who returns it.

[emmajane1987]

Seriously...thank you for the support and advice. The whole thing made me feel so out of control. I miss him and I am sad I won't see him again but at the same time I feel like I took control back instead of trying to fit myself into the box someone else created of their fantasy at the expense of my own. I felt so conflicted and uncomfortable with it and it was really hard for me to walk away rather than just hoping he'd start to feel the same and it would have been at the expense of my self worth.

[Batya33]

Seriously...thank you for the support and advice. The whole thing made me feel so out of control. I miss him and I am sad I won't see him again but at the same time I feel like I took control back instead of trying to fit myself into the box someone else created of their fantasy at the expense of my own. I felt so conflicted and uncomfortable with it and it was really hard for me to walk away rather than just hoping he'd start to feel the same and it would have been at the expense of my self worth.

 

He didn't create a fantasy. He simply did not want the same thing you wanted and it wasn't "at the expense" of your own or your self-worth. No victims here at all just 2 reasonable people who want different things. I know you are disappointed and it's the healthiest option if you simply accept you're both entitled to want what you want.

[emmajane1987]

I mean a fantasy, in terms of the way he views the perfect arrangement and his idea of that isn't the same as mine and I was "going along" with his so to speak rather than thinking about what i really wanted! We are both fine though and I am not angry with him - like you say two diferrent people. I feel much better!

[Batya33]

I mean a fantasy, in terms of the way he views the perfect arrangement and his idea of that isn't the same as mine and I was "going along" with his so to speak rather than thinking about what i really wanted! We are both fine though and I am not angry with him - like you say two diferrent people. I feel much better!

 

Well I think he wanted the perfect arrangement "for him" -I see that you are using the term "idea" and "fantasy" interchangeably.

[emmajane1987]

He came back to me and says he wants to date me properly now. I know that's not a super fast happy ending, but it's a start in the right direction. Thought people might want the positive update. He does see a future, so who knows.

[Batya33]

Great first step and now you will see if his actions are consistent with his words!

[SoulTaker]

He came back to me and says he wants to date me properly now. I know that's not a super fast happy ending, but it's a start in the right direction. Thought people might want the positive update. He does see a future, so who knows.

 

I wouldn't call it a positive update. More of a desperation move when reality set in. He had the chance to do the proper thing when he had control of the situation. Now, after he was kicked to the curb, he's willing to do whatever it takes to get you back in bed.

 

No matter what anyone says, you don't want to be with someone who was forced into agreeing to a relationship. If you're going to date him, then do it right. Go on many dates (restaurants, walks, outings,...) over a matter of weeks/months without going to each other's house. See how he takes going without intimacy.

 

The longer you stretch it out, the better read you have on him as to whether he's really committed (by not rushing you). Go to the next level, only when you know for sure that it's a sure thing (relationship).