baby

[Belle187]

I would stay with him if he got it.

The thing is, there are times when I won't even think about a baby. In fact, I will think to myself that I'm glad I don't have one. There will be months when I think I'm crazy, like how could I want to have a baby right now? Then I don't want one for a while. When we first started dating, we talked about it and he didn't realize how much it meant to me. I got really upset and he said he wanted to be with me, have a family together and be what we are. He said that in the future, we can talk about it more when it's more of a serious thing. I feel like it is now but at the same time, we've only been together for 3 years. I mean, what if 5 years from now we split for a different reason? I want another baby, for sure eventually. Is it something I can compromise on? At this point in my life, I would say yes. I could compromise.

A lot of you keep saying I need to accept it and either move on or let it go. If we both want to be in the relationship though why is it me that has to compromise?

[Stay_home]

Probably not the greatest advice in the world, but perhaps this will be the most productive and logical (take it with a grain of salt).

 

You and your boyfriend are an item. As part of a mutual, monogamous and adult relationship you both learn to accept each other's personal life into your very own. Therefore, you are affected by things within his inner circle/family tree and vice versa. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming that you're living together or at least at some point will be. That's a lot of mouths to feed, five children. If you two aren't living together, then wait until you do and then ask yourself that question once again when you've got four kids to worry about feeding and clothing.

[notalady]

I want another baby, for sure eventually. Is it something I can compromise on? At this point in my life, I would say yes. I could compromise.

A lot of you keep saying I need to accept it and either move on or let it go. If we both want to be in the relationship though why is it me that has to compromise?

 

Oops, pressed "thank" by accident.

 

If you are sure you want a baby eventually, then you are taking on the risk that down the line where you want one, he still doesn't (and as of now, that looks more than likely).

 

People are saying move on or let it go because the only person you can control is you and your own choices, you can't control what choices he makes. So your options are to stay and accept that he may never want a kid, which is very likely to happen. Or you walk away now before getting even more invested in this relationship and find someone who share the same goals as you. It's clear you have incompatible goals when it comes to children, so you need to decide what you want to do about it.

 

You can't stay based on the hope that he will change him mind or you can convince him. If you stay, you have to fully accept that he may not change his mind and you have to be ok with that. This will require some thinking on your part, think about if you will really be ok with that outcome. If he does want one down the track, great, if not, no big deal, you've already accepted that's the case.

[Fudgie]

A lot of you keep saying I need to accept it and either move on or let it go. If we both want to be in the relationship though why is it me that has to compromise?

 

People are saying that (and I agree, BTW) because when it comes to having a baby, the person does not want a child really cannot compromise. You can't compromise and have "half" a baby, or say "Well, you don't want a baby, and I do, so I'll have it but I'll be 100% responsible for it". It doesn't work that way.

 

Never, ever have a baby when one parent doesn't fully want and desire that child. That's why it's up to you. Either you re-evaluate your priorities here and say "I'd rather stay with him even if I don't have another child in the future" or say "You know, this is too important to me, I am going to go". There is no "right" answer with that. The only wrong answer is tricking him into a pregnancy that he doesn't want.

[itsallgrand]

^ Exactly. Bringing a new person in the world is serious, and for a person to do so as a concession to a partner and not because they truly want that child, is not fair to the partner nor the child. It's a recipe for resentment and trouble too.

[Fudgie]

I wanted to add, I think his reluctance to have sex with you probably is psychological because he fears getting you pregnant. He knows that you want a baby, he's heard stories about women "oopsing" men with pregnancies which really DOES happen, so I can understand his fear. Honestly, I think it's unlikely that he'll come around. He's in his 20s with 3 young kids. He's probably worn out and thinking "why do I want to start at square 1 again with another infant?".

 

You see this happen a lot with guys, usually older, who have several kids already and they just don't want more. I wouldn't expect him to change his mind here. If I could talk to him, I would encourage him to get a vasectomy if he's serious about preventing future pregnancies.

[itsallgrand]

Also something that I find interesting is that you aren't overly concerned that you are in a relationship with there is so much reluctance on the part of your partner to be intimate with you. I'd be more worried about that deteriorating things, but that's just me. To bring a baby into a situation like that, where there are already issues with intimacy, I can't imagine it would IMPROVE your sex life.

[notalady]

Also something that I find interesting is that you aren't overly concerned that you are in a relationship with there is so much reluctance on the part of your partner to be intimate with you. I'd be more worried about that deteriorating things, but that's just me. To bring a baby into a situation like that, where there are already issues with intimacy, I can't imagine it would IMPROVE your sex life.

 

Yea I'd be most worried about the lack of intimacy more than anything.

[abitbroken]

They look fully commited to me without the bs marriage talk. Marriage is made up. And no one can predict the future so as far as building a foundation goes ( i think thats important too but) they are on that track already. Nothing shows that was her question or to any concern to her.

 

Her only question is about a baby in the FUTURE. Not even right now, but in a few years.

 

Gosh, she has to think of the "not even right now, but in a few years". If she is with a man who is very vehement in not wanting further children, we would be remiss to encourage her to sit around and believe that he will change. She has to assume that he will not. It is better to be with a man who DOES want kids - or is OPEN to it. Instead, this is a man who won't even touch her if there is .00001% chance that she could get pregnant. That is not a man who is 21 and says "i am not ready. I might want kids in the future - but not now" - on the contrary, he is a grown man with three kids of his own and employment. It should be trusted that he does know himself by now after three kids on whether he actively wants more, or whether he would be open to more.

 

You say they are committed - well, they have the outer trappings of it - the big house, their kids living there at the times that they do - but the foundation is a little shaky as far as the long term.

[Belle187]

You say they are committed - well, they have the outer trappings of it - the big house, their kids living there at the times that they do - but the foundation is a little shaky as far as the long term.

 

Idk what makes you think our foundation is shaky...

We can be intimate without having sex. There are other ways to be sexual without intercourse. I have no problem with the intimacy that we have in our relationship, it doesn't bother me.

Also, I previously stated that I am not even considering getting pregnant on purpose so those of you that were talking about how awful it is to do that, I wasn't planning on it. I know how bad that is, I would never put him through that.

I haven't mentioned this but I think it could be a factor in his opinion. My boyfriend is bipolar and slightly autistic. He changes his mind often. Honestly this is an issue that I dropped a few months back because his mom and close friend both told him it wasn't fair to stay in a relationship with me knowing I want another baby in the future. They explained to him that it isn't just me who decides if I want to stay or go but in fact, HE can decide. If he knows I want a baby but he doesn't, he will either stay with me and consider it in the future or decide that he truly doesn't want anymore, and walk away. I said before he's extremely logical. This is not a man who is motivated by selfish things....he makes his decisions based on how logical it is...so to be honest I think he'd have left by now if he wasn't at least considering changing his mind.

 

I get what you guys are saying though, about how I should accept it or let it go.

[Seraphim]

The fact that he is bipolar and autistic is extremely relevant. If he's bipolar he must absolutely stay on his medication and they often don't like to. ( I have a bipolar father who abhorred medication. Not a good situation they absolutely require medication to even out that chemical imbalance) Also being bipolar is a common comorbid for people who are autistic. My son is autistic as well and is extremely firmly entrenched in his opinions. But minor things he will change his mind on on a dime. I think what he's telling you is he's reached his max limit.

[Fudgie]

Bipolar II has a genetic component. Perhaps you should reconsider having a child with him since he has bipolar. He has young kids, you have a young kid, if you two were to get pregnant and have a child with bipolar, well, I don't think you could imagine the stress. And it may make his own symptoms worse.

 

Just a thought.

[Seraphim]

Yes, he has 2 significant disabilities. Loading him up with lots of kids is probably too much for him and he knows it. Also be aware you could have kids with significant disabilities and be prepared for that.

[j.man]

Dude... respect the guy's decision. "He's bipolar and autistic so he might change his mind." Not really how these disabilities work with big decisions like this... like, at all... but let's play along. A switch flips in his head and he says, "You know what, I'd love for you to pop another out!' You get pregnant. Eight months in, his bipolarity and autism kick in again (I'm writing this with a smile because they way to perceive the idea is amusing) and suddenly he doesn't want the baby. What now?

 

If you want more kids, find someone who thinks the same. There are billions of people in the world. There's no shortage of candidates who fit in perfectly with you except for one single, big issue like this. You can't let that mask the fact you still have that huge incompatibility.

[lonelyboy1923]

"He has 3 kids, I have 1"

 

Well, lets be real - technically you guys have 4 kids together. So if you plan on staying together, you're essentially saying you want to raise 5 children. Keep in mind those kids need you guys probably more than you know, and they will wear down your resources, time, energy and emotions thin enough as it is. I don't gotta tell you that, as you've got an 8 year old already.

 

To be honest, you guys should be focusing on the kids you already have and your futures together.

What are your reasons for wanting a baby, anyway? Just because? Babies don't fix relationships if there are other problems.

[Belle187]

I can compromise on this issue.

 

I want another baby because my whole life I've dreamt of having a big family. I love being a mom and I love children. If I could be a stay at home mom that's what I'd want to do. Put 100% focus on the kids and make sure they're taken care of. But I work which is fine. I make good money and so does my bf.

I know a baby wouldn't "fix anything". Lol I am not trying to solve any problems with a baby. I like to be a mom and I want to have another one. Even though we have 4 kids together, those boys are not my kids. I have to step back in a lot of situations because I have no right to butt my head in. My bf will take my advice into consideration but I don't make decisions involving them. It is not my place to. They have a wonderful mom, they don't need me to be their mom.

I love them as my own, they're mine in my heart but it is not the same. Not at all.