Fair or not

[Countrywide88]

My husband has brings home the income and I'm a stay at home mom with our 3 kids. 7,3,and 3 months old. My husband also stays at home. His income is from a pervious job that he will collect the rest of his life. Now that being said we are both at home with our kids. Since he has the income and pays all the bills. Is it my job to do everything house work, shopping and care for our kids with little help from him and he can do as he pleases since he pays all the bills but stays at home too?

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, if he was going out to work then more of it would fall to you, but you're raising three children and he needs to step up.

[j.man]

I'd say so, yes. It's honestly a bit jerkish, but I wouldn't say it's unfair. Why not get a job and your own income and leave some household/child responsibilities to him? Is he telling you that you can't?

[Seraphim]

The answer to him holding you financially hostage is to go and get a job and since he's home anyway he can look after the kids.

[BMP2CPM]

It sounds like a bigger problem to me than who does what specific domestic duties. It sounds to me like you are feeling a major lack of emotional support from your husband. A lack of emotional support from your husband is big deal. Him not vacuuming, not so much.

 

You two need to talk about how he can meet your emotional needs. Maybe even go to a marriage therapist a couple of times, alone or together to get a solid foundation in place for communication. Best of luck!

[HLnoelle]

I have an aunt that was expected to do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. Essentially take care of the home. She wasn't allowed to touch his money without asking, even for something so small! She barely did anything for herself. She worked as a teacher but didn't make a lot of money. She just recently is in the process of divorcing him. I mean in a marriage you are essentially sharing aren't you? You are sort of supposed to be putting both incomes in the same pot so to speak. Taking marriage out of it. I personally think you should try to help out in some way whether contributing income wise by getting a job. Or helping around the house if that is valuable, and that both works for you. But if you are doing most of the work with the kids that is a job and I say he shouldn't be so controlling. Especially if you both agreed to you being a stay at home mother prior. Sounds like this could be a potential serious conflict in your relationship though so I wish you the best.

[HLnoelle]

Also I agree with some of the previous posters. I would get a job if I were you, he needs to help out with the kids if he's at home.

[j.man]

It sounds like a bigger problem to me than who does what specific domestic duties. It sounds to me like you are feeling a major lack of emotional support from your husband. A lack of emotional support from your husband is big deal. Him not vacuuming, not so much.

 

You two need to talk about how he can meet your emotional needs. Maybe even go to a marriage therapist a couple of times, alone or together to get a solid foundation in place for communication. Best of luck!

 

I don't think it sounds like that at all.

 

Very few feelings come as easily as envy. Seeing your spouse taking it easy at home while you're caretaking will quite understandably bring it on. I make about $70,000 a year and have around four months off every year. Personally, I'd rather work all year round and make more, but I take advantage of the time I get. I do try to help the girlfriend out a bit more with the extra time as she's pretty busy with her residency, but she has gotten upset I haven't taken on more and I've had to remind her that, so long as I'm doing my part, my time off doesn't mean it becomes time to handle her responsibilities. It may sound callous, but if the OP's husband is financially supporting, it doesn't matter if he's slaving away at a factory or reclining in a Lay-Z Boy. It's still her responsbility to take care of the home.

 

But as I said, it is kinda jerkish, but he well may be thinking, "I didn't hustle to get into this position so that I could play the role of breadwinner and homemaker." Personally, I couldn't see myself just chilling at home for years while my wife did all the work, even if I were the sole financial provider, but I suppose I'd be within my rights to.

 

At the end of the day, if he's providing, the OP has two choices. She can either a) continue to be the homemaker and try to change her perspective to be less envious or b) get a job and chip in and force homeboy to start accepting some household responsibilities.

[j.man]

I don't think it sounds like that at all.

Well, allow me to insert my foot into my mouth.

 

Looking at OP's post a few days ago, turns out the husband had an affair with an 18-year old woman the OP chose to invite into their home and support. I didn't know the guy was getting some action in his Lay-Z Boy from another woman while the OP was cleaning the house. That minor detail changes things a bit.

[melancholy123]

If hubby is sitting on his butt watching tv while she's running after 3 kids and making dinner, doing laundry, feeding the pets etc etc would it kill him to help out a bit? They are his kids too. The money he gets for life is to raise the family, take care of things, pay bills etc., I dont think it's too much to ask that he do something around the house to help.

[Seraphim]

Well, allow me to insert my foot into my mouth.

 

Looking at OP's post a few days ago, turns out the husband had an affair with an 18-year old woman the OP chose to invite into their home and support. I didn't know the guy was getting some action in his Lay-Z Boy from another woman while the OP was cleaning the house. That minor detail changes things a bit.

Yeah ,I will say never ever ever ever let somebody come live in your house I mean ,ever.

[j.man]

Yeah ,I will say never ever ever ever let somebody come live in your house I mean ,ever.

Yeah. It's one of those posts you read and find yourself saying to yourself "oh boy..." every other sentence.

 

As the poster I doubted but actually correctly suggested, you're due some heavy marital counseling, OP. Him not chipping in on vacuum duty is the least of your concerns right now.

[HLnoelle]

So he cheated on you too? I'm going to go against the grain here and ask you why you are settling? I know you have kids. But still... I would leave him. Im not a fan of having my time wasted or wasting other's time. The qualities you described are not someone I'd want to spend my days with. Just me. Please tell me he at least has some hobbies or something he contributes his time to if he's not helping you at home at all. Still though.

[Moontiger]

So he cheated on you too? I'm going to go against the grain here and ask you why you are settling? I know you have kids. But still... I would leave him. Im not a fan of having my time wasted or wasting other's time. The qualities you described are not someone I'd want to spend my days with. Just me. Please tell me he at least has some hobbies or something he contributes his time to if he's not helping you at home at all. Still though.

 

I agree with this, with one extra thought: Get a job and some work experience under your belt. Let him be a stay at home dad and do all that stuff while you set yourself up to be independent.

[Batya33]

I also bring in income even though right now I don't work outside the home. My assumption is I do almost everything home/child related but the reason that works is simple. My husband loves his family, he wants to be with our child as much as possible when he is not working and for the "gray" areas he is reasonable.

 

For example, this past summer I needed him to watch our son while I did my daily power walk (takes about 35-40 minutes total including getting ready) for about one month because of no school/camp. It was hard for him -he's not a morning person and for certain reasons it needed to be in the morning. I could not imagine him saying "sorry, you signed up to be the full-time parent, so either you sacrifice that or find some other way to do it and watch him". He wasn't overjoyed but he accepted it and in turn I tried to reciprocate.

 

Things like that in general get resolved reasonably and that's also very important -every family has those gray area situations - child gets sick, wife's best friend is suddenly in town, etc. - so you have to have a healthy way of communicating and resolving those kinds of things in the unpredictable world of raising children.

[HLnoelle]

If you're okay with what he's doing what's the problem?

[itsallgrand]

It makes absolutely zero sense to me why you wouldn't be working since hubby has enough passive income to provide all the family really needs. This would give you some money of your own and balance out the financial dependence you have on him a little bit. That also gives him time to spend with his kids, and you both raise em - and both bring in some money.

I think you being financially dependent on him is a really bad idea , especially given that your marriage doesn't exactly sound full of respect and stability.

[thejigsup]

Your husband pays for everything while you pay for squat. Hmmmm. I think your getting a great deal. He should help with the kids, they're his children, also. But housework? Honey, if you want to split the chores, split the bills. Simple as that.

[Countrywide88]

3 kids and doing everything is overwhelming at times. All I'm asking is that he should want to help me. I worked paid bills paid for our kids to be in day care 6 days a week. All so he could "squat" or do whatever he wanted because he didn't work. All while being cheated on by him. I took our kids to day care then went to work all day then picked them up from daycare then cooked cleaned and got ready for the next day. All I'm asking for is help not a free ride. He would rather me home with our kids then me work anyways. I'm asking for advice not to be drug through the dirt. We once had a perfect marriage but 8 yr some times things can get hard. I want help not talked down too.

[Seraphim]

If he sat on his arse with his kids in daycare while you worked and then came home and did more work he can get out .

[agent1607307371]

You can't make someone want to help you, and he doesn't want to help you. And tbh, I don't get what you're getting from being with him.

 

 

Right now, the more you stay at home and look aft the kids, the worse off you're going to be when you need to get a job. Because this is not a man who is going to stick with you. He enjoys watching you run in a circle.

[Countrywide88]

I wish I could make our marriage work. That's what I'd like. He doesn't want a divorce either. We love our kids and family we know it will take a lot of work. I just would like help from him a little more. He's getting better. Im asking for help from people who have been through similar troubles and what they did or I could do.

[ghostgirl116]

does he not realize how much work you're actually doing??? are these not his kids, too???

[Countrywide88]

They are his kids too

[ghostgirl116]

I have to say I completely disagree with the other posters who suggest you aren't paying for "squat", or that for some reason, you're not holding your own because now you are home with the kids. i'm guessing they themselves don't spend time running after and cleaning up after three children and a grown man. I get your ire. ugh.