Fair or not

[tattoobunnie]

Ah, yes, your kids are learning from their dad that it's okay to treat their mom like hired help.

 

You are partners! And partners help and support each other, and strive to make each other happy and fulfill their needs, even if only one is bringing home the dough. Here's some suggestions that your kids can do. And you assign him with things too:

 

 

 

Plus, the fact that he's been/was cheating on you, HELLO, how do you not have him by the balls??????? Make your demands, cuz the fact that you just keep taking it, you are becoming a giant doormat.

 

Now if he doesn't believe in pitching in, STOP DOING HIS LAUNDRY! DO NOT DO HIS LAUNDRY. He's a grown man, and can do his own laundry.

[IAmFCA]

I am reword in your description

 

My husband and I are lucky enough to both be full time st as y at home parents. He takes care of the bills. I do all of the housework. I also take care of the kids.

 

He works out, reads, sees his friends for golf and lunch.

 

 

This is where I get stuck. I'm a career mom single parent of two. My kids are old enough to help, and they do. Other things, I just leave undone.

 

I suggest you do what you'd like. Play with the kids, schedule lunch with friends, go to the gym. It is essential to your physical and emotional health.

 

Maybe he will hire a housekeeper. If not, cut out the secondary items. Vacuum less. Do your own laundry first, the kids laundry if time permits. Etc.

[IAmFCA]

Said more harshly:

 

You both are stay at home parents living off money your H banked at an old job.

 

Given that your both full time parents, I don't understand the logic of dividing the duties as he isn't available.

 

Whatever logic applies to him also applies to you.

[sargon]

Doesn't matter what's "fair".

 

He does it, you put up with it, that's the status quo.

 

If you don't like the way you're being treated then do something about it.

[Batya33]

I do think there's a difference if one person contributes incomes (whether salary or personal assets/banked income) and one does not as far as what is fair. Sure, if the person with the banked income is home he either should help or pay for help but that person is helping more financially and to me that is a relevant factor.

[Countrywide88]

I did gain a lot of control after what he did to me. I want to say I hated him for it but was more confused,lost and had pain that was worse then physical pain. I don't know who to put something like that into words or feelings. But after all that he was great for about a year. Now he seems to me like he act likes nothing ever happened. I don't expect him to be my slave because of it. But he did our marriage through hell. So I expect more help from him. He does do yard work but so do I. We live on 13 acres and have animals. Yard work is not a problem we both love outside. But omg he takes out the trash after I've asked him a million times he acts like he's the only one cleaning or if he cleans off the counters he gives the impression he cleaned the whole house. My oldest does do some chores. My 3 yr old makes her bed and her and my older one keep the playroom clean. Their bedrooms and playroom is really all I ask of them. A huge problem with him is before when he was talking to him mom she made him believe that everything thing is my job since he makes the money. She would tell him I'm terrible at everything and she has a lot of money so she was always trying to pay for everything for him he wanted and have him believe he would have more money for himself if it wasn't for me he had to support. So in turn I have to do everything for him. Which made him slowly resent me is also another reason I feel he did what he did. She told him what he did was ok and it's my fault. I was working 50 hours a week making great money and in a career position. While he was going behind me. He no longer talks to her because after that I gave him a ultimatum his mom or me. He chose me. He did get better but he's falling back and not helping me out more like he promised. If I tell him that he goes back to his old ways and says he pays for everything. I know I could throw up what he did. And say remember you said you were going to do more to help me but that only lasted until you thought I forgot or it's just old news. But I hate to even think about it. I've also heard that's bad to do when your trying to heal.

[IAmFCA]

OP there seems to be money available to hire a cleaning service or a person to come once a week etc. Neither of you wants to clean, so it's worthwhile.

 

That will leave you with certain daily tasks. Do those yourself or make a chart and hang it up.

 

It sounds like he resents any control you would have in designing a solution. For that reason, I would simply stop everything but the most basic, and replace your time cleaning with time spent doing something you value and that is off property.

[Seraphim]

Yup, get a cleaning service.

 

Also I think it was a mistake to push him to give up his mother. That is going to cause heavy heavy resentment and could break up your marriage eventually. Nobody could ever forced me to give up my mother. And as jerky as my in-laws are I've never told my husband it was his parents or me. ( and believe me I despise my in-laws and my husband knows it) but I would never ask him to give them up.

[Countrywide88]

I don't mind cleaning but I live in a 2 story house with 4 bedrooms each bedroom has a full bath. Yep shower tub toilet and sink. We have a guest full bathroom and one more half a bath. Living room family room dining room kitchen and kitchenette. See how much I have to clean. Let's see someone enjoy cleaning 6 bathroom 4 bedrooms. That's a lot to clean for one person and I can't just not do it. I have a baby that sticks EVERYTHING in her mouth. My house would get out of control by the time you just went to go pee.

[Seraphim]

That is why we are saying to get a cleaning service. That way you're not stressed out about it.

[Countrywide88]

yes I did say that to him. He didn't want to bill so he did a few loads of laundry. Haha

[Seraphim]

Yeah, whatever ... Lol. I would just do it . He is not your daddy it's not like you need permission. I would just hire the service.

[Countrywide88]

I really didn't want to. I distance myself from him when he was around her or talking to her. I did that for a long time. She would say the most awful things to him about me. One time I got a notification on my phone say someone from her home address hacked my Email and my bank account. I read a message she sent my husband saying he has my email password if he wants it. Which she's dumb because he can go to our computer and open it up with no password. When I was working full time and my husband was home my daughter missed a doctors appointment he was supposed to take her to. So they cancelled her. My mil called a doctor in another town to setup new patient appointment for her told the receptionist I was a bad mother and didn't take my kids to the doctor gave them a whole pity story how she's worried for her grandkids. Mind you she's never went to a birthday party bought x mas gift nothing. One time there was some reason she had to watch them for a hour and my daughter was only 10months old so you have to really watch them at that age. Well she didn't want to she she locked her in a dog kennel and let her scream while my 4 yr old son watched crying. When I got there to pick them up I've never seen my kids so happy to see me. I thanked her then loaded them in the truck. My son bursts into tears telling what she did. I got out of the truck really pissed off because my son was trembling just telling me. She said my kids are to spoiled and that was good for them. Wth my husband was pretty pissed too. She's done so much more I could publish a horror story about her.

[Seraphim]

It should be his decision though . I agree she is a nightmare though. But she explains his behaviour .

[Countrywide88]

He hasn't talked with her in awhile. He sees it now how bad she was to me. She tried to talk to him a few months back and he had no interest in having a relationship