Fair or not

[Countrywide88]

i don't know not really what I want. Because he has good things about him too. I just need his help more without a fight

[j.man]

It doesn't matter if you can't tell just by looking at him. The military doesn't just hand out 100% disability ratings like candy. How exactly is he disabled? What happened for him to get disabled? Not saying he's in the right, but it's pretty pertinent information.

[Countrywide88]

Trust me I know they don't I've been married to him a long time. He went into the military when he was 18 and

[Countrywide88]

Got medically discharged 3 yrs ago. He has PTSD tiniest and had to have surgery on his C5&C6 on his back. He also has ibs and other gastro problems. I have been by his side through it all. We had to fight it apeal it and see many many doctors. I love my husband Unconditionally for his service to our country. I pride myself on how passionate I support our military. Both my brothers served also. I would never ask him something he could not do or that would cause him pain. I love my husband I love our kids I love our family. I've always been there and supported him I don't think me asking for a lil more help is to much to ask of him. I stay home with our kids so he can do his hobbies and things he enjoys because I know it healthy for him. I honestly never go out. He would lose his mind if I told him I was going out to do something I enjoyed and he had all 3 kids. But I never ask because I don't mind being home with them. They are only little for not very long and no way do I want to miss a second of it.

[SophieGrace]

Okay so are you willing to do anything about this situation? Have you asked him to do SPECIFIC things like XYZ and told him why that was important to you and what that would PROVIDE for you? (in that language)

 

A marriage is based on love and respect, and while I hear that you clearly have that for him - does he have that same feeling for you? What do his actions say? If not, what are you willing to do about it? Do you have the backbone to stand up for yourself and insist on time off during the day, or marriage counseling, or can you tell him you are going to get a job just to get a break and get out of the house?

 

Again, what are YOU willing to do in order to change this situation? Because he is perfectly content for it to stay exactly the way it is. He has no motivation to change.

[Countrywide88]

You are exactly right. He is perfectly content with the way things are. I know he loves me and our kids he would be devastated if I divorced him. I know that because I was going to divorce him last year for something much worse. He went into really bad depression and I was worried for him. I couldn't watch a man I had so many great memories with in the past and built a family with be so depressed and walk out. It still to this day makes me emotional thinking about it and it will probably never go away. We have come so far since then. I read a lot of people tell me to just leave him, all because it is next to impossible to get him to help me out with our kids or around the house without it going in the direction of a fight and he has no respect for me. He believes bringing in the income is his half of supporting our family and the rest is my part. Which it is. Yet I watch them all the time and he does things he wants. I don't even want to do half the things I do. His actions to me say I financially support us so that stuff is your job. Yes I have a backbone but I'm not going to divorce him over not doing dishes or helping out as much as I wish he would. raising 3 young children is very demanding and not easy. If I do stand up for getting time alone I've had to fight for it and by that time it's not worth it to me and I don't want to do it. Not to mention I feel rushed and stressed. How can I get him to see my feelings through his eyes? What I've been asking, is it fair for me to do everything.Kids,school,doctors,homework,baths,house work, shopping and cooking with no help from him? I want him to want to help me not force him.

[Seraphim]

OK ,you keep saying the same things over and over and over and over and over and yet he keeps telling you sorry not doing it. So you are at an impasse. But something tells me that you're just going to knuckle under and keep doing what you're doing till one day maybe 10 years from now when you can't take it another second and you walk out the door. You can respect him all you want but he clearly does not respect you. It won't survive without mutual respect.

[Countrywide88]

Yes I will knuckle down and do it to keep my kids from a broken home. Because even if I did leave him I would still have to do everything I'm doing now. Only, My kids would have to go through a difficult time because of a divorce. That would completely turn their lives upside down. 2 homes back and forth. They would see me less be in daycare, possible step parents. I know many kids these days live these lives but by no choice of there own and some for really good reasons. I don't want that for mine. My kids can bring me a book any time of day and I can read it to them or other wants or needs they have. When my littlest one starts school I'll go back to work. They will be older and not so needy leaving a cheerio trail behind them everywhere they go. So I do see things will get easier. And I will repeat myself over and over and over until I read someone giving good advice or guidance that I feel is best. I won't go with the first answer. I'll listen to many answers or ideas. People are think divorce is the easiest way out. I won't make a major life decisions from a internet sight. I will however listen to people who want to really help with positive guidance and similar life experience.

[Seraphim]

Then you will just have to accept he is not going to help you. That is your choice then. If he won't go to therapy to learn how to respect your contribution your choice is accept it and like what you're doing without complaining.

[itsallgrand]

It might actually be healthy for the kids to have someone else there sometimes to help take care of them. If your husband can't or won't do it, you could bring in someone else to help.

And you get out of the house sometimes. Either with a part time job, just to visit away with friends, with a hobby or sport or whatever.

 

It's not good for kids either to be surrounded by so much stress and tension and a worn out mom. I think there are alternatives besides either sucking it up and doing everything or leaving.

[Seraphim]

It might actually be healthy for the kids to have someone else there sometimes to help take care of them. If your husband can't or won't do it, you could bring in someone else to help.

And you get out of the house sometimes. Either with a part time job, just to visit away with friends, with a hobby or sport or whatever.

 

It's not good for kids either to be surrounded by so much stress and tension and a worn out mom. I think there are alternatives besides either sucking it up and doing everything or leaving.

That too hire somebody and go out sometimes or get a part-time job. And I know you say you shouldn't have to pay somebody to look after your kids he should want to do it but the point is he .does .not .want .to .do .it. So something has to give. Pay somebody to help you or like I said do everything yourself.

[Countrywide88]

Thank you! I'll suggest that to him. I don't want people to think he checked out with our kids he loves them and loves all the fun easy stuff. Making meals bathroom and things like is what he don't like. We do go on family trips and do family things.

 

To 66

I wasn't trying to complain just asking for help.

[Countrywide88]

I shouldn't have to pay for help with our kids when it comes to errands or a job. But if he wants to go fishing and I want to have lunch with a friend extra help would be a good idea.

[Seraphim]

You keep saying what you shouldn't have to do. BUT you DO have to do it because he doesn't want any of the work part he just wants all of the fun part. So if he only wants the fun part and you want to stay with him you have to pay somebody else to do the work part that only makes sense. Don't keep stubbornly repeating what you shouldn't have to do. Because by his actions he doesn't care what you have to do. So stop repeating what doesn't work and find something that does work.

[Countrywide88]

What do you suggest I do or say to him?

[Seraphim]

Just hire a babysitter. Say, right, you only want the fun stuff and I need help. So I am hiring someone to help me. You don't make it a question ,you don't ask his permission you just do it. You are a person too! And if you need help you need help and if he doesn't want to provide it you hire somebody who will.

[Countrywide88]

I really love the way you put that. I'm going to put it to him that way. Wish me luck

[Seraphim]

Good luck! Just remember you are a person too and you deserve help and respect.

[Countrywide88]

Putting in that perspective opened my eyes. How do you add people as friends on this

[Seraphim]

You can add people as friends but not everyone has their private messages open. To add someone to your friends list you go to the top of the main page go to "community" click on it and you will see " friends and contact" it will tell you how to add somebody to your friends list. But like I said it depends on who has their private messages open to receive messages. You can tell if a person's private messages are open by going into their profile . If their profile does not say "send private message "they might have their messages closed. If you want to message somebody who has answered here in your thread and their messages are closed you might have to ask them in this thread if they would like to message with you.

[Countrywide88]

I'm new at this I tried to add you as a friend but I don't think it worked. I was ask you if I had anymore questions about this after I talk to him.

[Seraphim]

Ok , I will add you and then you can private message me. My private messages are closed to anyone but friends but I can add you. Then to send me a private message you go to my profile and click on send private message.

[Seraphim]

You should be able to private message me now, I added you.

[tattoobunnie]

If you are looking to have a full-grown MAN-CHILD to take care of, then yes, he should do nothing, while you do everything.

 

I have always been the bread-winner of the family, and would still come home, do laundry, clean, and be with our son, while my husband didn't have a job. And I still had our son in daycare twice a week, so my hubby could get other things done. And I still will be working when we have our second kid in a few months. Even now my hubby is working, I still make double what he is making, and we still share responsibilities with the home & kid.

 

Does you hubby at least do all the yard work and home maintenance, or take out the trash? If he does nothing, but whatever he wants all day, you should have a designated day off each week where you do whatever you want. In fact, on that day, just leave, and tell him only call you if there's "fire, flood, or blood."

[Batya33]

I agree with this -and also - your children need a role model that everyone pitches in to some extent. Yesterday I put my 6-year old to work cleaning up, putting away and organizing his stuff and he learned a lot about those skills. I worked alongside him and my husband was doing his own work but also participated.

 

I believe I should do about 90-95% because I am the stay at home parent. Soon, I might start working part-time and at that time I am going to hire outside help more often than I do now (as needed) and yes my husband and I will discuss him pitching in more. It's really not about equal or keeping score- it's about respect and balance and not being in a situation where resentment is building up.

 

I confess -I should take my own advice because you sometimes have to re-balance daily -raising children can be unpredictable so some days you will ask for or expect more help than others but that is why the ground rules have to be - open communication and sharing expectations in a non-confrontational way. It only gets confrontational when resentment builds.